Name: The Ghost of Beaver Lane | Ep 95 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2021-12-13T17:00:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Ghost of Beaver Lane | Ep 95 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Ghost of Beaver Lane | Ep 95 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-13. Transcript available.

The Ghost of Beaver Lane | Ep 95 | Bad Friends

all right guys guys there's new merch out badfriends.com bad friends merch you
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you two are bad
friends who are these two idiots a white dude and an asian dude you two are
disgusting
we're bad friends i don't want to talk about it but i want to say that you know
your fear is um
obvious and i what is my fear i don't know what's my fear you don't have it
what's my fear that you
go up there with no material and you just show your penis and then that's the
show that's not my fear
you think that's what i'm going to do that's a reality you think that's what i'm
going to do up
there show my penis and say goodnight me a thousand dollars you won't show a
part of your body on stage
if you told me not to bet me a thousand dollars you won't show a part of your
body i'll bet you a
thousand dollars and i'm going to say this too okay and you have to do only
material for a half an
hour straight no i'm not i'm doing a guest spot i'm not doing a fucking feature
spot you're doing
a half an hour bub i'm not going to be there saturday then you dictate i
dictate the rules i dictate
the rules i'm a baby you are i'm the baby you are i dictate the rules i say
what i want to do yeah
yeah hi jules hi i'm so happy that you're here i thought you weren't gonna all
right yeah she's
enough she's why are you in a bad mood because she's beach girl yeah she goes
to the beach in the
mornings and then she comes home all grumpy and like i went to the beach leave
me alone i'm beach
girl what's your deal nothing i'm just tired dude your whole your whole fucking
life is tiring
what do you do you don't do anything how can you be tired we just went diving
that's it
i was tired from it glad you're here no i was just about to say so nice i have
to i have to live
with this i know it's a fucking nightmare it's a it's move in with me i know it's
like me and you
should just live get get a get a house together bro we would bro if you and i
live together how fun
would that be it'd be fun for the first 48 hours we'd be dead after that 100
yeah but who cares
so for 48 hours it'd be fun the first 24 civil the last 24 insane that would be
our 48 hours the
film i would stick dynamite in your butthole am i nick nolte in this scenario
in what movie in 48
hours oh yeah yeah isn't it nick nolte nick nolte it is no nick nolte who else
is in eddie murphy
eddie murphy yeah yeah am i nick nolte i'm eddie murphy you gotta be thank you
do your best eddie
impression right now perfect that's that was my eddie murphy laugh i said let's
do it again
i don't even know what give me eddie murphy's laugh i want to see if i can do
it
oh that's it yeah yeah that mine was fucked do your eddie murphy laugh
pretty good pretty good pretty good actually not gonna lie it's either
something like eddie
murphy or she was being choked by a or by a pygmy by the way you've never seen
this movie have you
48 hours no there's no way it's a great fucking great movie yeah look at how
young eddie looks
right there and and nick nolte is the same age and he looks 100 yeah they're
really they're not that far
an age i don't think when he did that movie he was when he talks i hear a
thousand people
who nick nolte there's like a thousand voices coming out of one voice
yeah like it's one of those voices where you record and you play it backwards
there's other
messages and you hear ghosts in the background yeah yeah that thing and then
they do it yeah
that was a good movie hey what did you do for turkey day hey man what's up good
to see you what
did you do for thanksgiving i love it did you get my invite i invited you guys
to come to my
thanksgiving in chicago yeah yeah i got it you didn't want to come was i there
nope there you go
all right but i i looked at your cute family on the zoom oh i know we called
you on the zoom
we were wasted your mom is attractive yeah and um she's a babe she really is i
know and look at me
for a second i'll be honest with you and don't get angry i'm about to i can
feel it but i just want to
be honest with you because you're my friend i want you to be honest yeah i for
a split second i would
give her penetration eyes oh you tried no just penetration eyes do it one of
those do it to the
camera so they can see oh wow dude and she was like i saw goosebumps on her
face well she choked on
water yeah yeah for some reason she was goosebumps on her face and then she i
think did a mini climax
what really yeah i was right there the zoom i know wow yeah you did it but she's
pretty hot
she's a babe i got a babe for a mom yeah it was nice it was nice to go that's
enough
why we're an attractive family and why can't as an american citizen you're not
an american citizen
i am let me show me i have a card show me your i don't know what it is i have a
file cabinet system
i'll find it but my point is is that yeah i just want to say that your family
thanks
when i saw them don't ever zoom again because i nutted so fast first of all we
didn't zoom
we facetimed oh dad all right sorry you got me on the zoom real cute family it
was not and it was so
nice that you answered everyone was excited to see you yeah actually no you
said something you go
mom say something to bob i said say hi to bob and i go ha and then you hung up
i did
at the end that's a funny trick it was a good bit it's a good bit it worked
because you thought i
might have called back because when you do that bit right you hang up and i do
that moment where i go
oh yeah you sit in sadness you know who i didn't call yeah you don't have a
number yeah i do oh you
do yeah but we don't but i text her and the text are very bland the bland there
are you okay are you
guys coming tonight i also propose to her i go is magic mountain open and she's
like i don't know
and i go because she's afraid of rides i think we should do a bad friends magic
mountain trip i would
love to but isn't it closed during this winter or no is it closed look it up is
magic mountain still
open i'm i'm you don't want to do it i just hate it but we'll go as a family
will that feel better
can i just do one ride no you can't go all the way there and buy a ticket for
one can't go all
the way there 20 minutes and it's like 20 minutes away 12 minutes up the freeway
it's open 365 days
a year according to la times wow wow let's go let's go come on we'll take a
little family trip it'll be
like an end of the year celebration but the big but the thing we have to do is
we have to eat as much
as we can before we go to see who throws up on the ride first yeah that's so
fun yeah will you do that
a vomit that's the point i almost went to the hospital because there's a um
next to the magic
mountain there's a water slide place oh yeah that's raging water raging waters
attached to it
and there's a river right a lazy river there's a lazy river that surrounds the
whole fucking thing
right and it's a bunch of kids yeah just shitting themselves and i remember
being on a look at floaty
right and just so thirsty just drinking the water no oh yeah yeah no yeah and
the next thing i know
it's like i was in a back of a fucking my buddy's um minivan and i'm going
through shake i'm shitting
myself it was fucking i almost died you had dysentery is probably is that what
it was insides were eating
yeah but we got to do that when we go there okay that's what my point is
because there's a danger
there because we could die yeah an element of danger is what we need and also i
think on one
of the rides you don't pull the thing all the way down so you might slip out
that makes it fun that
makes it fun everyone should do that at least once don't don't you know because
you know when it goes
over the heads click click yeah yeah don't do the last click don't do the last
yeah because the last
click holds you in right you gotta leave some space yeah just a little bit just
in case so you do one of
these it's fun to slide almost out and when you're backwards dude it's like you
don't want the
fucking thing to be holding you in nope you want your own strength to be
holding you in yeah to see
if you can really use your own muscles right and if you slip you happen to die
you happen to die
and you make the paper don't you want to be in the paper no because you're not
athletic you're not
going to be able to get like a gold medal on something and be in the paper if i
die i'll just haunt
you both okay she said that too you said that in the car as well you said you
would haunt us when
when you die yeah and i and i go she go i go what are you gonna do she goes i'm
gonna kill you
and i go i go name me one person in your personal life right i asked her two or
two questions name
me one person in your personal life that you know that was killed by a ghost i
can't then i the
second question is name me anybody from the history of this planet that's ever
been killed by a ghost
i'll be the first oh she wants to be the first oh she wants to be the first how
can you kill us from
from the beyond do you have a strategy have you thought about that you have a
weak spirit
do you know that think how much rest your spirit's gonna need to kill us you're
gonna be sleeping
in the afterlife yeah hammersmith ghost murder case oh shit it is real oh shit
i didn't know it was
real wait go back to the other page how funny is this the other headline right
below my husband died
and now his ghost wants anal that that i believe i agree that i yeah yeah if
you show stuff in our
butts then i think that'd be funny don't kill us but if you if we wake up with
hot dog in our butt
because i believe when you're in heaven christian rules still apply you got to
be good up there
don't you think christian i bet if christians rules apply here on earth in
heaven it does of course so
we can't just free nilly you know i mean be flying around as an angel with my
dick hanging out i mean
you of all angels could get away with that it would get a laugh it would get a
lot of flying by people's
clouds i think about the guy playing the harp just like right you fly by with
your penis out i know
but then the next you know i'm on the side now to him i'm doing a little leg gyration
oh and your
penis is playing they don't like it yeah yeah they don't like they'll bail they
don't like but i mean
look go to the hammersmith case i want to see that that looked real was that no
look it's a ghost
murder case oh this one 1804 oh shit said a legal precedent in the uk regarding
self-defense of
someone that could be held liable for their actions even there are the
consequences of mistaken belief
uh okay ghost from november a number of people in the hammersmith area claimed
to have seen
and attacked by a ghost local people said the ghost of a man who committed
suicide the previous year
and have been buried at the hammersmith churchyard oh this is nothing this is
real it's real on
december 29th william girdler girdler a night watchman saw the ghost while near
beaver lane of all
places and gave it a chase he was chasing beaver in the middle of the night i
love beaver lane
everyone's chasing beaver in the middle you've been to beaver lane right a
bunch of times dude me and
my friends in high school we used to go to it was in england yeah beaver lane
in england we would
travel to england to beaver lane right and it has to be at a certain hour then
i would bring my like
utensils your fork it fork and fork and knife yeah and when i'm eating beaver
when i'm eating beaver
i do have to have a fork and a knife do you have a napkin i put a napkin yeah
you do i do all the
utensils in the right area you know what i mean the right you know how there's
two knives one's for
salad two forks you mean two forks i mean salad fork a regular i do the whole
thing do you have a soup
spoon too yeah of course of course you have all the cookie there's liquid i
understand the beaver
well how do you like yo