Name: Unpicked Boogers From The Vault 2021 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2022-01-03T17:00:30.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Unpicked Boogers From The Vault 2021 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Unpicked Boogers From The Vault 2021 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-03. Transcript available.

Unpicked Boogers From The Vault 2021 | Bad Friends

Hey guys, we have a bunch of footage and things that have happened on this
podcast that we've never aired before, and we're going to air them.
Yeah, because Fancy and George decided they want something to do over the
holidays, so they're going to be commenting and talking about stuff that you've
never seen that we've put in the vault, and we're unearthing it right now for
you, bad friends.
Yeah, it's fun.
Fun.
You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
White dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
Hey, bad friends.
Feliz Año 2022.
Hope you guys had an awesome, awesome holiday.
I'm your host today, Fancy B, and we're going to do something we've never done
before.
I'm going to show you two episodes we've never aired.
Why, you might ask?
Well, because Bobby or Andrew or both, while recording, didn't feel they were
on.
They weren't clicking as much.
They weren't as funny.
I think that's complete bullshit.
We're going to cut all that stuff.
We're going to cut this out.
It's so bad, this episode.
It's so bad.
Let's start again.
We're going to cut it out.
None of that.
We're not rolling, because all the stuff we just did was a waste.
I just feel like not connected to it.
I know.
Delete it.
Delete it off the face of the earth.
All face of the planet.
I'm so loopy.
You're going to have to cut so much of this.
He's not in a good mood.
His energy is weird.
We're not clicking.
We're not clicking.
Come in here, Andrea.
We're going to talk about this episode.
All this stuff has to really be deleted off the face of the earth.
All right, let's start over.
The first episode you guys are going to see is the fourth episode we ever shot.
It was my first time on the show.
You'll see the set as it was, like, completely bare.
The set that you guys shit on a lot before any of this stuff was here.
It was the, you know, the show.
Well, George was the only producer.
We didn't have as many cameras.
We didn't have as much stuff as we do right now.
And it comes at the right time because, as Andrew mentioned on the New Year's
episode, we are moving.
We're moving to a bigger set to accommodate for all of the stuff that is
happening on Bad Friends.
Please let us know what you think.
If you think this is funny.
If you think it was worth for me going into the vault and unearthing this
episode.
So, without further ado, like, you guys make fun of me.
Let's watch episode four of Bad Friends.
It's a charity.
We have him on as a charity.
We know this.
It's like, hey, it's like, you know, I have my friend who has a mental
disability.
Right.
You know, if I worked at McDonald's, can he be the fry guy?
Have you ever given somebody like that a job just out of charity?
I just did with George, with the tiger belly and then with this.
Why do you think you continue to give George charity then?
Because he has, I feel sorrow.
Pure sorrow.
It's like when I see Yemen kids starving.
Okay.
You know, the kids in Yemen starving.
I look at George and I go, he's starving for pussy.
He's starving for attention.
He's starving for...
Is there anything that you think he's not starving for?
Whiteness.
What, you think he doesn't want to be white?
No, I think he's full of it.
Right.
He's full of whiteness and entitlement.
Yeah, he is.
Yeah, yeah.
But that's the farm shit, though.
Right.
It's farm whites.
Well, he's fixing the cameras right now.
How does everything look?
He doesn't have good eyesight, so you wouldn't even know.
It's like, you know, the fry guy.
Hey, you put the fry on too much in the oil.
Why can't you talk?
You're not going to talk about the podcast about what we were just talking
about?
About what?
Why do you think, why is it that you think you're not, you haven't worked hard
enough, you're not famous enough?
You don't want to talk about the person, you don't want to talk about the
person that I just, that we just brought up.
No, what I'm saying is that, you know, for the amount of time that I've been
doing comedy, sometimes you're in situations where you're around a friend who
is just doing more and doing better.
How many years have you been doing comedy?
For over 20 years.
And so you think to yourself, where did I go wrong?
But you know what?
If I look at what I do have, I'm grateful.
Yeah, but it doesn't sound like it.
Yeah, I want to put a shotgun in my mouth.
You know what I mean?
It pulled the trigger.
You know, and just all over and they'll say fucking bad friends on the fucking
wall.
That would be tight art for the show.
100%.
You know the fans hate the show.
They hate the desk.
They hate the decor.
They say it looks like a dentist office.
I told, I fucking already told you that you fucking, you have no artistic gut
instinct.
This wasn't art.
This was me putting something together.
In a shitty way.
To get it done as fast as possible.
In the most terrible way possible.
To give it, to put the show out.
Yeah.
How much time did you spend on it?
You never give me the chance, Chachi.
How much time did you spend on it?
Hey, Chachi.
How much time?
Welcome back to How Much Time Did You Spend On It?
Our contest today is Bobby Lee.
Bobby, how much time did you spend on it?
Let me ask you this.
Oh, that's wrong, friend.
Nothing.
Will you listen to me right now?
I'm listening.
All right.
You have different degrees of chefs, correct?
You have the guy at McDonald's.
That's not a chef.
That's a cook.
Oh, whatever.
That guy.
Well, don't disrespect real chefs.
All right.
Then you have the chef at Chef Boyardee.
Not a chef.
Chef Boyardee is a real chef, dude.
No, he's not.
Look at his name.
Why would they put chef on the fucking thing?
Because it sounds nice.
They're not going to write line cook, Boyardee.
Mr. Schultz is not a doctor?
Who?
The Dr. Schultz, the foot guy.
Schultz?
Dr. Schultz?
Schultz.
Schultz.
Whatever.
It's Schultz.
I buy it.
I buy it.
It's very good.
You do.
And I love you.
You know what?
And you leave my feed every day.
Thank you.
You buy Dr. Schultz because you like the extra lift.
It's not for the comfort.
That's because you're a tiny person.
I want to play you a song.
We can't play songs on this podcast, can we?
Not without getting the monitor.
Oh, fuck.
I know what song I did already.
And you know what?
It's going to piss me off.
You know, I want to cut this off right now.
I know, but you're going to play the song.
I'm not going to play the song, but can I sing the lyrics?
You played it last week?
I didn't play it.
Yeah, you did not play it last week before the show.
No, this is Randy Newman.
Yeah.
Short people got no reason.
Short people got no reason to live.
They got little hands, little eyes.
Walk around telling great big lies.
They got little noses and tiny little teeth.
They were platform shoes on the nasty little feet.
Oh, bro.
Bro, it's people like you.
Do you feel better?
You know, I-
Do you feel better as a friend?
Do you feel better?
I absolutely not.
And also, I've been watching a show on Netflix called I Am a Killer.
I watched it.
You watched that show?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Every single one, I think, that's Santino.
No, no!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're like, I don't know what happened.
You fucking won the lottery by not-
I don't know, circumstances or whatever.
You think I could have been a serial killer?
You could have killed somebody accidentally, yes.
Accidentally.
How do you know-
On purpose, on purpose.
No, no, no.
Right.
I've killed someone accidentally.
I've never done it on purpose.
I killed three guys in Mexico on accident.
I crashed an ATV and I killed three guys.
Like Matthew Broderick?
Same.
Yeah.
I killed three guys in Mexico on an ATV and-
Are you joking right now?
Nope.
And you feel good about that?
I don't feel anything about it.
They're gone.
Yeah.
You know Latinos, what they call them.
Huh?
They're real people too.
They weren't-
First of all, they were white.
Oh, fuck.
They were tourists.
It was a white tourist family.
What, from England or from where?
They were South African.
That's how I knew-
That's how I know you're lying.
No, South Africa.
You would have said South African earlier.
You were Ateca, and then you said South Africa.
Because I was thinking about telling you where they're really from.
South Africa.
Because you're making it up.
South Africa.
I was speeding at them in the ATV.
And they go, stop right there.
No, we're on the ATV as well.
Yeah.
And I crashed in and I killed a family.
A mother, a daughter, and a dad.
You know I ran over a guy.
Shut up.
Right, George?
I ran over a guy.
I hit it.
If we're being genuine, I hit a guy with my car.
I'm dead serious.
I didn't kill him, but I hit him with my-
My guy?
He might be dead.
He can never walk again.
You paralyzed him, man?
Well, you killed three people.
That was a joke.
Me too.
Dude, what did you do?
All right, so when I was 17 years old-
Have you told this before?
Has he told this before?
I barely remember, so maybe a long time ago.
A long time ago.
Yeah, a long time ago.
So I should not tell it?
No, I want to know.
I've never heard this story.
Yeah, it's not that big of a deal.
Yes, it is.
You paralyzed a guy?
It's not that big of a fucking deal?
Yes, it is.
Oh.
Hey, I paralyzed a guy.
Not so big of a deal.
For who?
You?
You have legs.
You have legs.
You walked again.
Yeah.
So a man is in a chair somewhere.
I wobble.
You do.
You roly-poly.
Yeah, roly-poly.
You're like those Matryoshka dolls, those Russian-
You have low bass.
I was driving down the street.
Mm-hmm.
In my, I had a Toyota truck.
And, um-
Don't do that.
Don't wink at the camera about a Toyota truck.
It was nice, though.
And, uh, I had a Toyota truck.
I was going down the street.
Yeah.
And somebody had lifted the stop sign out of the ground.
So there was no stop sign.
Really?
Well, look at the police report.
This is like a bad teenage fucking-
I was a teenager.
It was like a bad teenage movie.
I was 16, 17 years old.
Okay.
So I just turned to right.
And the next thing I knew, I see a body fly over my car.
You didn't feel the body?
You didn't feel it?
I turn to right?
I hear, I hear, and I see, ah!
And there's a guy, ah!
Yeah, like that.
And you hit a man.
And then I ran him over.
Because he hit the back of my car in his motorcycle.
He went over my car.
Over your car.
Yeah.
And then went, pa-pum, pa-pum.
And did you stay around to see if he was okay?
Yeah, of course.
I'm not a fucking psychopath.
Okay.
I pulled over to the side.
Is it your, was it your fault?
Yeah.
What did, by the way, what an Asian ringtone.
You picked the most Asian.
Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa.
Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa.
Yeah.
Hello.
Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa.
Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa.
You pulled over.
Cops came.
Amber lamps came.
No, what happened?
No, let me, so we get out of the car.
And I'm laughing.
You're laughing?
Yeah, because whenever I'm in a stressful situation or I think, because I think
my life is over.
I don't know.
When I'm in a situation where I'm like, it's only happened a couple of times in
my life where I'm in a horrific situation where it happens either when I'm in a
funeral, you know what I mean?
Or it happens when.
No, I don't know.
You laugh at a funeral?
Or if I see somebody, like, really get injured, I'll laugh maniacally.
Because it's so horrifying.
And you say, I'm fucked up?
That's so fucked up.
It's called a defense mechanism, charge.
That's not defensiveness.
That's fucking chaos in your brain.
Whatevs, brah.
Things are broken.
There's wires for us.
Bra, bra, bra.
Bra.
Whatevs, brah.
Okay, brah.
So I go, pa-pa-pa-pa, right?
I get out, and I go, ca-ca-ca-ca.
I still laugh.
You know, like a psychopath.
Yeah.
Right?
And then I go, I should get him off the road.
So I pulled his body.
Shut the fuck up.
You touched a guy who you just hit with your car?
What the fuck am I going to do?
Leave him there?
You don't touch them?
No, you're not supposed to touch those people.
It was traffic-y.
Stop, stop.
No, I pulled him off the side of the road.
Okay, you grabbed him by the legs?
No, his shoulder.
By his shirt, and I was just dragging him.
Jesus.
And then I took