Name: Alfalfa Sprout & Toco Choco | Ep 100 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2022-01-24T17:00:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Alfalfa Sprout & Toco Choco | Ep 100 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Alfalfa Sprout & Toco Choco | Ep 100 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-24. Transcript available.

Alfalfa Sprout & Toco Choco | Ep 100 | Bad Friends

Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do
100,000, and God, you know what?
You know a lot of these religious programs?
Yeah.
They offer, like, you know, if you send us this, this will happen.
This will happen to you, yeah.
We believe that God will give you something.
If you subscribe.
We believe that God will give you something.
We don't know what it is, and we're not making any promises.
If you subscribe and get us over the half a million,
and also you have to hit the notification bell so you know that we post,
because we post every single Monday.
Day, and Monday.
And Monday.
Yeah, yeah.
I was going to say this, too.
Every Monday.
Jesus and Buddha, right?
Gandhi.
And Gandhi.
They all love it.
Everybody loves it.
They love this program.
So, please subscribe.
We want to get to a half a million.
Please.
And thank you for watching the episodes.
I love you.
It means a lot to us.
We love you.
Bye.
Bye.
Hey, everyone, come see me.
I've got just a couple of tour dates left.
I'm in Chicago Theater February 5th.
And then, and then, I go to Seattle and Portland and Albany and Foxwoods and
Vegas and Green Bay.
I've never seen your act before, but when I saw you in San Diego, you were the
greatest comic I've ever seen.
Shut up.
And even if I'm not there in spirit, I'm there in spirit.
You're there in spirit.
And I'm always there.
Yeah, you're always there.
So, come.
Yeah.
So, come see me.
Go to andrewsantino.com.
Andrewsantino.com.
You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
Little Blackie got COVID.
Honestly, out of all the people to get COVID, he was the most worrisome.
Why is that?
He just looks like COVID kind of to me.
He has a little COVID-esque name.
Yeah, he's got a vibe.
No, he looks like, he just looks like he's already defeated.
Yeah.
Well, he does have COVID.
He does have.
If he saw COVID in a ring, you and I would be like, oh, yeah, he's lost.
He's got it.
Yeah, it's over.
We're on his corner.
We're like, oh, we just pack it up.
Throw it in the towel.
Yeah, it would pack it up.
But he's alive.
He's alive.
He's still alive.
How long has Doc?
Doc has COVID, ladies and gentlemen.
How long has Doc had COVID now for three days, four days?
For a couple weeks.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
For a couple weeks.
Because I've been checking on him for a couple weeks.
Wow, I didn't know.
Are you alive?
Yeah, Doug.
Thanks for checking up on me.
Oh, yeah, man.
I'm fine.
COVID ain't going to take me down.
But can I just say this before we start?
We almost didn't make it because we almost died on the way over here.
That's not even a joke.
I don't know why you're laughing.
It's not even a joke.
I don't know why you're laughing.
It's really sincere.
In the new studio, do I need to tell you to put the mic closer to your face?
It's insane.
It's insane.
It's insane.
How is it still?
Will you turn on my headphones?
So just real quick, you know, when I came over here, I stopped by the little 7-Eleven
because I love refreshments.
Sure.
And I have money.
You have money.
Yeah, so I like to buy things.
You do like to buy things.
Yeah, so we're there, and I go, Jules, you want to go in?
She goes, no, I went in there, and I went and bought...
Pedialyte.
Pedialyte.
Okay?
I come back out.
That's Gatorade Pedialyte.
It's beautiful.
I come back out, and the car door is open on her side.
She's dead.
No.
No?
I walk in.
She doesn't say anything, right?
Now, I don't know why the car door is open, but when I walk in the car, imagine
this,
all right, smelling.
Yeah.
Let's suppose an egg, right?
Mm-hmm.
Ate an egg.
Got it.
Shit up an egg.
Got it.
Right?
And then just left it on, like, you know, rotten egg on some concrete in the
summer, Boston.
Yeah, like under the sun?
Under the sun, Boston, right?
And then a cockroach, a family.
Oh, an entire family of cockroachias?
They start, they go, it's a swimming pool.
Yay!
One of them is like, no, it's not!
But is it?
No.
It's not.
But they all died.
Right.
Maggots formed.
Mm-hmm.
Anyway, she did a fart.
You got a stinky little booty?
She did a fart, dude, that I literally went, should we go to the hospital?
It was that, what died inside of you?
I don't know.
I haven't pooped in four days.
Why haven't you pooped in four days, bud?
I can't.
What do you mean?
Nothing's going out.
Do you sit on the toilet for a long enough time?
No, because they said you get hemorrhoids.
Okay, first of all, who says they?
Atikolaila.
Has she had hemorrhoids?
No, but...
She's a no-it-all.
She's a no-it-all.
My fucking girlfriend is a fucking no-it-all.
She thinks she knows about hemorrhoids.
And she doesn't know anything.
She doesn't know anything.
She knows a lot.
She knows a lot of medical stuff, but you know what?
She's not here, so I'm going to say it.
She's a no-it-all.
Damn.
You know what, dude?
Are you eating enough fiber?
No, I don't know.
Bring up a list of things that have high fiber in them.
High fiber.
And then we can see...
By the way, Bobby, do you like our new TV?
Because it's fucking huge for you.
It's a 65-inch TV.
I understand this, but the thing is that the screen is still too long.
from my eyes.
What are you talking about?
It's the biggest fucking...
The screen needs to be here.
It's the biggest TV.
Imagine if it was right in front of me here, then I could...
Do you want us to get a drop-down TV right in front of your face?
Yeah.
Okay, we'll get one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But I want it so I can press a button.
How about in the voice?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, well, we'll do that.
Guys, work on that.
I also want a light that does something.
All right, so Bobby, read the list to her of the things that have high fiber in
them.
Honestly, from here, I'm going to show you what that says to me.
No, just go back a little bit to show you what it was.
That says,
Sarar's Grom.
That says,
Shaman Shango 5 Grom.
That one says,
August 6th.
That other one says,
Apatow.
Yeah.
Judd Apatow.
Judd Apatow.
Judd Apatow.
He has high fiber.
Yeah, yeah.
No, it says apples.
So I've never seen her eat an apple.
I've never seen her eat raspberries.
I've never seen her eat an avocado.
Bananas?
Bananas.
A lot.
You eat a lot of bananas.
High in fiber.
Yeah, yeah.
Carrots, I've never seen her eat.
Beets, I've never seen her eat.
Right.
Broccoli, none of that.
Artichoke, Brussels sprouts.
None of the stuff you've ever...
Lentils?
Do you know what lentils are?
No.
Take a guess.
Small beans.
Got it.
Kidney beans, split peas, chickpeas.
Okay, so all of these things that have high fiber,
you eat none of them.
Okay, this is why you can't poop, kiddo.
Bananas.
Okay, I know, but how many bananas?
Once every other day or three days?
You got to eat more fiber every day.
You know what?
Can we get...
Can you guys...
Let's have George reach out to...
What's the thing that old people have
and they stir in their...
At night before they go to bed?
Metamucil.
Metamucil?
So reach out to...
I was going to say cyanide.
Cyanide.
So they don't wake up.
Cyanide.
Let's get some of this for her.
Can we get some Metamucil
to see if we can get her to shit?
And can we have a shit tracker for her?
Like a...
Just to find out we need a shit tracker.
Well, you know, I shit...
So two weeks ago, I had an emergency.
I shit in the parking lot of the Grove.
Of the...
You shit in one of the nicest outdoor malls in America?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So my brother...
And my brother almost...
My brother almost goes,
I don't think you're my brother anymore, man.
Like it was that humiliating to him
because it wasn't like at night.
It was like seven.
In the middle of the day?
It was like seven.
But what did you do?
Did you pull your pants off?
No, so we went to go and see the movie Licorice Pizza.
How was it?
Loved it.
And it's...
What's his name's movie, right?
Paul Thompson.
PTA.
Also, you're watching Magnolia tonight.
Yeah.
Okay.
Oh my God.
What?
She's a disgusting...
Also, remind me.
It's so gassy.
She said something even crazier.
Yeah.
Remind me later.
Can't wait.
Because I'm not even done with this.
Okay.
So we went...
So I go and I go,
I got to go to my car
because I forgot my cigarettes or something.
And as I went toward my car
and I...
Now, I...
The movie theater's there, right?
I parked where the fucking farmer's market is.
Okay, I got it.
So it's far.
It's far.
It's a walk.
It's pretty far.
It's a walk, right?
So as I'm walking,
I fart a little bit
and a little poo comes out.
Normal.
It's not normal.
Everyone here's farted
and a little poo's come out.
Normal.
No.
That's never happened.
In Japan once.
In Japan.
Thank you.
But it's Japan.
All right, that's true.
It was in Japan.
That's a Japanese thing.
Yeah, it's a Japanese thing.
That's a Japanese thing to do.
Yeah.
Just a little bit came out.
Oh, can I say something too?
And I want to apologize to Brad Williams.
Why?
You didn't do that to him.
He was born that way.
No, no, no.
I do.
I have to apologize to Brad Williams right now
because I've been thinking about
apologizing to him
because forget the Grove story.
There's another poo story
that he's involved with
that happened as well.
You shit on Brad Williams.
No, it's close.
He is perfect poo hot.
It is perfect,
but it's even worse.
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay.
So I was at the improv,
okay,
and I was about to go up
and this kid went up before me
and he fucking,
I'd never seen him before this kid.
And you're going to know his kid.
Do you know his name?
I do,
but you're going to be able to guess it.
He's a new kid.
He killed improv,
packed room,
white kid,
killed it.
What?
And I shit in my pants.
He was so good
and I had to follow him.
Did you get shit in your pants
when you went on stage?
No, up in the green room,
upstairs.
Oh.
So he was down there.
I was looking down.
His name was Trevor Wallace.
Oh, yeah.
I know who that is.
Yeah, yeah.
He's so good.
He crushed.
He crushed it.
And what did you do?
I started shaking.
Nervous.
Right?
I shit my pants.
Then the hose goes up,
right?
And I pull my sweats down.
I pull my underwear down.
I pull my underwear,
put it in a fucking ball.
I throw it in the corner
of the green room.
I pull my sweats back on.
I barely make it on stage, bro.
There's a poop.
So there's poop underwear
upstairs in the green room.
Right.
In a ball.
Now, can I say this too?
Go looking for it, guys.
Poop scavenger hunt underwear
on now.
But also,
years ago,
I got banned from a club
because I left poo
in the fucking green room.
Seems pretty reasonable.
Right.
So now I'm paranoid.
I get off stage.
I go straight to the comedy store
because I have a new spot.
You don't bother to go
clean up your poo underwear.
I don't remember it.
Really?
No, because I just do a spot.
I'm late for my spot.
All right.
All right.
I feel like I remember it.
First of all,
can I just say this right now?
Happy New Year to you.
Happy New Year to you.
And I feel like
you're being judgmental,
so I want to...
Not even a little bit.
Can we rewind it a little bit
and go...
I don't want any judgment from you.
Can I tell you something?
I'm glad you looked at your poo.
You're one of my best friends.
You're one of my best friends?
I want to say that right now out loud.
You're one of my best friends
and I love you.
I love you.
No, I'm not even done, dude.
Okay.
I love you so fucking much, man.
You're like a brother to me, man.
I love you.
So anyway...
Talk good, though?
Yeah, it was great.
I thought we were going to get
somewhere else with it,
but I'll take what I can get out of it.
But I really meant that.
I meant it too.
I love you to death.
Thank you so much.
Look me in the face right now.
Say, I can't live without you.
One, two, three.
I can't live without you.
Thank you.
So your 