Name: Slept King Returns and Rudy’s New Replacement | Ep 104 | Bad Friends w/ Khalyla
Uploaded: 2022-02-21T17:00:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Slept King Returns and Rudy’s New Replacement | Ep 104 | Bad Friends w/ Khalyla' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Slept King Returns and Rudy’s New Replacement | Ep 104 | Bad Friends w/ Khalyla' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-21. Transcript available.

Slept King Returns and Rudy’s New Replacement | Ep 104 | Bad Friends w/ Khalyla

you two are bad friends who are these two idiots a white dude and an asian dude
you two are
disgusting you two are something we're bad friends didn't you drive together in
the same farm we did
but we did yeah we'd like to arrive separately like um yeah that was i liked it
what is it like
angelina jolie and um bobby oh no i was gonna say uh what's his name why can't
i think of the
bobby monaghan yeah bobby monaghan no angelina jolie and bob billy bob thornton
didn't they they dated but that's what you guys are you guys are that's billy
bob thornton and
you're angelina jolie what would be the difference is that yeah but my dick is
not as crusty i feel
like his dick is crusty no he's a babe now i think he's always been a babe ask
canadians we don't
have any canadians billy bob thornton what he did in canada what did he do
he acted like i would act what like in a good way like an asshole like an
asshole yeah like a big
asshole no because what happened was you know he's in a band right uh that i
know we talk about it on
the show we talk about that at all we talked about it already shut the fuck up
man i just got out of
rehab i'm sorry you know what and by the way that was my bad congratulations on
getting out of rehab
you guys we have something for you bob
we've got a trophy bobby lee kick in the habit 2022 a little karate trophy for
kick in the habit
congratulations oh i see yeah so this right here is weed that's drugs yeah so
weed's coming
he goes like that smoke me smoke me smoke me and then i got rid of uh porn too
oh fuck me fuck me yeah old and young mostly old more old than young whatever
my fetish is
olders for young olders for youngers for youngers and the reason why i like
that porn by the way is
because i identify with the old man because i have such a bad self poor image
so when i would google
porn i don't do porn anymore baby all right baby intimacy you are an old man
too though you identify
because you're an old guy you're an old guy i am you are you're an old sweet
man i just realized
that huh yeah you're old but why did when i went to rehab though why did all
the kids follow me around
because you act like a child ah right but bro yep i was a leader there dude
well they they
are you sure because i have a voicemail do you guys want to hear it yes yes
this is a voicemail
of a leader let's hear also by the way let's let's can we welcome can we
welcome the wonderful
kalilah to the show thank you guys i'm here begrudgingly because the little one
has covid i
know and you guys brought it so thank you for bringing it welcome we don't have
covid she got
tested she doesn't have it i know she did i know you didn't yeah i know you
didn't get it i know you
know why why when i was in arizona right they let me escape and go to the mall
right i'm double
masked right yeah and i almost got covid do you know why no tell me a lot of
people recognize me
okay let's play this voicemail to bring you back down to earth yeah is this the
is this the message
of the leader over here let's hear great so um i had dinner the food here is
terrible
terrible oh my god um it's like oz like there's fights breaking out it's like
people stalking me
it's terrible um i don't know if i'm going to sleep tonight but um quiet
because there's like 52
men talking on phones around me um i feel like i'm in prison i'm in guantanamo
bay i love you i'm gonna
try to sleep tonight but when it's gonna happen bye
bro you have no idea what i went through did you hang that sounded like you he
hung up a prison phone
you know when they're attached to plexiglass that was a payphone do i get okay
first of all this is
the first you called me from this place the first place yeah i get there right
they go you sleep
there all right i put my pajamas on i don't have a picture yeah what are you
talking about you know
i get on my underwear right there's a man laying next to me and like i could
touch his skin
and he's probably 70 years old right and he's naked i think but i see one of
his legs is sticking
out of the sheets okay and you know how you white people have a lot of miracles
i don't have any
spiderweb veins i looked at your skin i'm walking in your body right and he was
doing this bro this
is what he was doing he was going like this he was going
as long every minute he was doing that right yeah and i took two edibles why
you fucking idiots
because i don't want to be the first guy to show up at treatment sober sober
right right the irony of
that is staggering isn't it funny everybody gets fucked up and then they go to
treatment they get
as high as they can yeah yeah and then they i was at the airport i was you know
going crazy right
nothing yeah i was jerking off two guys yeah that is no i was like drinking and
so i go there and
then i take all my shit and i go to the lobby
right and i sleep in a chair like this right because this guy's screaming all
night long but i can still
hear him and then this little girl comes up to me she must have been 14 15
years old and she goes
i'm not gonna make it no yeah i swear to god and she just walks away
right and i'm literally i have to be here for a month i'm not i shouldn't laugh
but that is so
so creepy two days later right yeah i literally see i'm sleeping i see a little
kid a teenage kid
getting dragged by his hair across the hall and he's going i'm gonna stab you
in the eyes with an
ice pack right this is rehab it's a good one it's no it's not good it's not
good it feels like and to
get out of there right what do we have to do i had to call the jews man i mean
you had to call the jews
all of them so i called jerusalem you did i called jerusalem yeah you called israel
i got all the
lawyers and they got me out of there well how was it was it legally binding
they were going to make you
stay they can't make you stay anywhere but they wouldn't drive right they
wouldn't let me leave and
then they also wouldn't let get me a ride but we have to have some clarity you
went to a different
rehab people it's not like you broke out of a rehab and came you went to
another rehab he went to
initially a 30-day inpatient oh right where it's where it's like they fucking
chain you in yeah and
you're not allowed to make phone calls they take your phone and your ipad so
what are you doing in
the middle of the night i'm trying to masturbate through my memory you can't
jerk off with your mind
no but but but i my mind right is very clever and i have a manage imagination
you do yeah so it's kind
of like her like her tit right one tit yeah his ass cheeks fancy i love your
ass cheeks what part of
me they're so european and slav the married food thank you right pete's titties
his titties are so
so there's three tits you have one of these tits hers the center tit both tits
pd tits on the side
right so sweaty and nice right and beer comes out beer comes out of his tits
yeah yeah but i because
i'm sober so i avoid it okay yeah so this is great beer only sucking yeah and i'm
avoiding his
yeah i'm sober i'm sober right and then um but i couldn't not couldn't finish
no in fact i i have um
17 days of no porn
can you masturbate just to your mind um i can't it just takes a long time do
you have to use a toy
no i don't use any toys you guys don't have any toys i have to i don't use any
toys because i'm
afraid to that i'll have to rely on it for the rest of my life because those clit
suckers these days
yeah our next level there you know we got one at the crib
it does and it goes it sucks in but you can do that with your mouth you could
because i can't i can't roll my tongue i can't roll my tongue so i have to go
i just get so tired that this thing this thing picks up the slack yeah but
yesterday i go can i eat
your vagina and then you said it's bloody and i go i said i want to she wouldn't
let me do you do it
uh no definitely not seems like a bad time you could just take a break for a
couple of days i
know but i just got a rehab so i'm like let me you know right it's like print
like when you get out
of prison yeah i had a fork and the whole thing you know what i mean i put a
napkin i put a napkin
you know what i mean i was ready anyway um it's good to be back it's great that
you're back we're
happy that you're back and um and then i went to another place and i couldn't
sleep for how many
days well you called me i was in new york i think you're on four three or four
days 96 hours i didn't
sleep wow it's so crazy so crazy and you talked like a guy who hadn't slept
yeah and they thought
i was gonna have a psychotic break and then i went to a mall and then they said
when you're gonna have
a psychotic break everybody at home go to a mall no i had to go to build a bear
right that's the place
no i had to go no i have to go to build a bear why it's a part of the thing so
can i tell you about
build a bar please all right so when you go to this place they go you have to
go to build a bear
at least in sometime in your brain is this rehab owned by build a bear no no no
no it's uh mcdonald's
right no i also uh but you go to build a bear and you you build your original
child oh i see right so
you know your original child when you're born don't laugh this is real i know
but is uh what do
babies need they need to be held love love nurtured comfort feel safety food
yeah my dad played golf on
my body you know what i mean so um you build you you you build this bear right
and remember the first one
i built a couple years ago and you hold it like it's your inner child you know
what i mean and um
but because i had a psychotic break right i literally would had the baby in the
mall and i
didn't know where i was not only did not know where i was i didn't know what
city i was in
i didn't know if i was in a mall yeah that's how tired i was you were a guy
walking around just with
a bear build a bear it was crazy it's called a fugue state fugue fugue state so
um do you know
that's how you do you do you know that's what it was yeah the fugue state and
the one last thing i
want to say before you go into the internet is this i would like to have the reneg
reneg i would
like to reneg right because last week i was very vulnerable yeah and i called
you yeah i think i cried
you did and i think i regret half of the things i said really a little bit it
was like the nicest
call you what did i say i forgot you called i was at a farm in upstate new york
and you said
i just want to tell you that i love you but no one's ever i'm doing i'm doing
it i'm not making
fun all right i'm doing you said and no one's ever done what you did and you're
a real friend and i
love you and i'm dead serious and you would go back into a normal voice and
then you go oh you don't
understand i love you and then you hung up and you called back 20 minutes later
and you said
i don't know man i don't know how much of that stuff i mean
i did this so you did take it back yeah and then i said why why would you do
that and then you said i
don't know i'm getting i'm okay i gotta go i gotta go okay you know what so you
meant some of it no
you know what you're right i want to say it here okay i'm gonna say here okay
don't roll your eyes
well i know what's coming no you do yeah okay but go ahead no but i want to
hear it i'm sorry go ahead
you know i've been in this business for ever okay start over please i've been
in this business
forever right and um you know in the beginning of my career i just met just
terrible people
you know what i mean name them just open micers like zoo man and wally wong and
these guys you
know what i'm saying ali wong wally wong oh you don't know wally wong so anyway
um and then i came
to la it was terrible and i spent many many years just meeting terrible people
comics but every once
in a while you'll meet somebody that just you'll you'll just spark your heart
and you're one of those
guys i when i saw you it was like it was almost as if i saw somebody that i
knew my whole life
like it was that easy that comfortable and during my dark times in my life you've
been ther