Name: A Kid at the Crib | Ep 105 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2022-02-28T17:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'A Kid at the Crib | Ep 105 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'A Kid at the Crib | Ep 105 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-28. Transcript available.

A Kid at the Crib | Ep 105 | Bad Friends

- Hey, everybody.
April 15th, Andrew and I, Bad Friends,
is gonna be at the Moon Tower Comedy Festival.
- In Austin, Texas. - In Austin, Texas is.
And tickets go on sale soon.
- Tickets are about to be on sale.
- Yeah, so check it out.
Also, one of my best friends in the whole world
is playing the Irvine Improv.
- March 18th and 19th.
- Exactly, and even though I sold out every show
I did there, I want Andrew to be sold out too, okay?
- March 18th and 19th, come see me at the Irvine Improv.
- Sell it out, guys.
- AndrewSantino.com for the tickets.
- You two are bad friends.
- Who are these two idiots?
- A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
- Well, you two are something.
- We're bad friends.
- Welcome back to the show.
- Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.
- Welcome back to the show.
- Welcome back to the show.
- Welcome back to the show, yo, yo, yo.
- Um, nice day for my wedding.
I was listening to that.
- And I don't even know what that means,
but it's, are there black people at the wedding?
- Do you know what that song's about?
- No, what is it?
- It's a nice day to start again.
- That's what it's about.
That's what it's about.
- No, you know what it's really about?
- What is it about?
- So his sister, from what I, and Pete can look this up.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- His sister was kind of exiled from the family,
so to speak, or she was like the black sheep of the family.
And that song is like saying, oh, this white Puritan,
you know, this puritanical idea of weddings,
and it cleans you out, and it makes you perfect together.
- Bro, I never listened to the song going, wow,
they're excluding black and other minorities.
I know what white wedding means.
- What does it mean?
- It means that they're wearing white, right?
And it's also, the institution is very clean and white.
- But he's saying it because his sister
was like a black sheep of the family, and it's like, oh.
- What does black sheep mean?
She's black?
She's adopted?
You're the black sheep of comedy.
- Oh, I'm adopted.
- No, no, you're the black sheep of comedy.
In the comedy world, you're the black sheep.
- Dude, don't hurt my feelings right now, dude.
I'm very vulnerable.
- The little yellow sheep.
- No, why am I black sheep?
Why am I black sheep, though?
- Because you're the outcast, you're the--
- I'm not the outcast, I'm very healthy.
- Did you lose some weight?
- Dude, I've been losing weight, I look great.
- You look-- - No coughing.
- Let's give it up for a weight loss.
- My breathing is better.
- No coffee, you just had some of that double shot espresso.
- I've been hiking.
- You literally have a fucking Red Bull
and a double shot espresso.
- What does that mean?
- What do you mean no coffee?
You're having so much caffeine and Tori.
- No, I said no coughing.
- You said coffee.
- Why would I say no coffee, you fucking ding-dong?
- What do you mean no coughing?
- I'm not coughing anymore, I don't breathe as weird.
You know what I mean, I used to breathe heavy.
- All right, let's test that theory.
- Yeah.
- Let me hear you, just nose into the mic,
let me hear you breathe calmly.
- But dude, I mean, you can hear me,
like you, my face makes a lot of noise.
- It's, yeah, it's okay.
- Dude, when I like, when I smile, my eyes,
- Oh, hey, man.
- When I smile, my eyes crinkle.
- Yeah. - Talking about black sheep.
- Talking about black sheep, yeah, yeah, yeah.
What's up?
- What's up, play?
- What's up, man?
You still got COVID or no?
- How you doing?
You good? - Any pussy since COVID or no?
- Nothing, man, I've been on lockdown.
- Dude, everyone's been asking where Doc has been.
He's been sick for no shit, four months.
- Man, man.
- Did you die and come back?
- Bro, you know what, the cough is so fucking crazy
with COVID, it's like, it keeps you locked down.
You can't fucking talk, you can't laugh.
So I was like, fuck, and when y'all was hitting me up,
I was like, nah, I can't do it, man.
- Yeah, but now, are you regretful
that you weren't more mindful about protecting yourself?
- Nope.
- Gumbling down!
You know, I want COVID to fucking transmute
and it's gonna get you the next time.
I'm rooting for COVID next time, dude.
- You better root it.
- I'm rooting for COVID, dude.
- You had it twice?
- Twice, I had it in 2020.
And I thought I was gonna get it last year,
but I made it past the Delta.
And I was like, okay, I'm invincible then, boom.
- Dude, can we do a FanDuel, COVID versus Doc,
and do a betting thing?
- Yeah, do it.
- Yeah, let's do that.
FanDuel.
You gained weight though, huh?
No, I lost weight.
- Mmm, I don't know.
- Oh, that shirt is a medium.
- You look like a fat P with that green shirt.
- What's your weight at right now?
- I'm at 160.
I was at 178.
- Oh, that's pretty good.
- You lost a little weight.
What did you get down to?
You know Bobby lost weight.
- I'm 163.
- In rehab, you lost weight.
You lost seven or eight pounds.
- No, I was at one, almost 80.
- No.
- Bro, I was.
- Were you really?
- Holy shit.
- Me too.
Man, that's a connection.
- Well, you know what?
You guys are the same height, same size.
- Same size, two little roly polies.
- Two little roly polies.
- You wouldn't ever fucking call me a roly polie,
but I would love to roly polie with you one day.
- It's a good thing.
- Dude, you know when they say that,
you know the whole thing, two peas in a pod?
If you weren't two peas in a pod,
we'd be fucking, dude.
- Two roly polies and they're gonna show.
- Imagine us little two peas.
- Will you guys do the roly polie together?
Have you done the roly polie together, dude, or what?
- Nah, I'm good.
I'm good, I'm a roly polie.
- I'm a roly polie by myself, dude.
- No, we're not doing that.
- I just got back.
Yeah, roly polie.
- I'm a roly polie.
- Doc, get down there and roly polie with him.
- I'm a guess I can get it.
I know how to do improv, dude.
- Doc, get down there and roly polie with him.
Come on, Doc.
- Roly polie.
- Come on, Doc.
- Look at how sweet he looks.
- Yeah, he looks good.
- Come on, Doc.
He's roly polie-ing.
- I like him.
- Me there.
- No!
- What was that, Doc?
Come on, a little roly polie there.
- What was that?
What was that?
- What was that?
- You had a ninja star.
What the fuck was that star?
- How about this, Doc?
If you want to stay on the show,
you got a roly polie with him.
- Nah, fuck it.
- All right.
- Nah, fuck it.
- Look at how quickly I reversed that.
Fine.
- Well, judges came back.
- Oh, can I also, can I ask you something?
- Yeah, man, you know I ain't gonna do no roly polie bullshit.
- I know you're trying to hide your friend with the glasses,
but who's your friend right there?
- Oh, that's a pimple.
- Dude, I have a pimple right there.
- I have one right there.
- Dude, I have one right here, dude.
- You know what this is from?
- What?
- Fucking masks.
I've been traveling on airplanes,
flying across the country wearing masks.
I got acne underneath my fucking eyeball
and on my nose again.
- But he tried to sneak diss me,
and he fucking got one too.
- Because I'm gonna tell you where this one came from.
- Where did it come from?
- Chappelle Lacey.
- How?
- It's a fucking voodoo.
This is a fucking witch's work, dude.
- Oh, shit.
- It's voodoo, dude.
I hung out with him the other day.
Fucking, he's doing his flips,
his voodoo flips, bro.
- Yeah, he does flips.
He can just do flips, huh?
- I don't like it, dude.
- He was a gymnast, right?
Or a cheerleader or some shit like that?
- Yeah, how do you feel about that?
- You know, it's different.
- You know what I mean?
- Oh, boy.
- Oh, boy.
- I love to start a war.
- No, yeah, we're gonna start a war.
'Cause when you big and black like that,
I'm like linebacker, but if you doing flips,
that's my department, 'cause I'm 5'3.
That's with the Olympics, right?
No?
- Oh, what you're saying is that
if they did an Ocean's 11,
you know how that little Chinese man?
- Yeah.
- You know, they put in a little vase
and they snuck it through the thing?
I don't know, I haven't seen the movie,
but I know there's a little Chinese man,
they put in a little vase
and they stick it through the thing, right?
- Correct, yeah.
- So what you're saying is that
if they did an Ocean's 11 with all black people-
- That's him right there.
- Right, you would be that guy.
- There you go, there you go.
- So if we did a heist, we would need Doc,
'cause he would do the flip,
you could put him in a little-
- He'd still need to thin out a little bit,
'cause I think he wouldn't fit in a vase.
You'd fit in one of those bulbous vases
where they pull out at the bottom.
- Right, right.
- We'd need you to lose a little bit of weight
before we get you in a vase.
- I was gonna say,
'cause there's this thing where,
well Bobby would know, you wouldn't know Tino,
but Bobby would know.
- Go ahead.
- When you see somebody like over six feet,
or six, you know, like big,
you don't get kind of like,
that's a waste right there.
You know what I'm saying?
You don't ever be like-
- I'm over six feet.
What the fuck are you talking about?
- What the fuck are you talking about?
- I love it though,
but keep doing it.
- I mean, I love being me,
but I'm just saying though,
when you see somebody like Chappelle,
you're like, that's a waste of damage.
Right there, that's-
- What's you be thinking like linebacker,
- Call him right now.
- Zion Williams.
- All right, all right.
- Because you know what?
He's talking all sorts of-
- Zion Williams is probably all kinds of shit.
- Yeah, he's five seven, dude.
- What the fuck are you talking about?
- I thought he was like six something.
- No, no, man. - He's maybe six feet tall.
- No, no, no, no.
- Yeah, call him.
- Not picking up your call.
Bobby, that's a big mark.
- That's a big no-no.
- How do you pick up your phone call in mid-flip?
What if he's flipping right now, you know?
- Hello?
He's mid-flip.
- He's mid-flip, I know.
- He's one of them black dudes that's kind of busy.
- Please leave your message.
- You're gonna leave a message.
Come here.
- You want me to leave me?
- Come toward me.
- Okay.
- Just give him the phone.
Just give him the phone so he doesn't have to get up.
Just throw it.
- No, you can just speaker phone.
Come over here, fucker.
- Come on, you know what I mean?
- Shapiro, Lacey, bad friends.
What you at, Blake?
Why are we calling you and you ain't...
Hey, remember when you did the open mics at 4-4?
Good times.
- What about how you're saying that he's wasting his body?
He's wasting his body?
- He's talking shit about you, Chappelle.
- He's talking shit about you
and how you're doing flips, he doesn't like it?
Go.
- You know how it is.
You're a big black dude.
Black on black crime ain't.
We don't accept that, but right now, man.
- This is black on black crime at its finest.
Let me say something to Doc.
- Go ahead.
- Let's go step-by-step through your COVID diagnosis
and your, what happened?
Who did you get it from?
- From, I would say at work.
- I mean, we got you that chair on purpose.
- Yeah, I know you did.
This is fucking, it's kinda cool though.
I feel like I'm in my own zone right now.
- You are?
- Yeah, I fucking feel good.
- He's color-coordinated.
You got the shoes on his shirt.
- Yeah, man, looking sexy.
- Did you just buy those shoes, dude?
'Cause they look brand new.
- They are.
- No, no, I've been having them.
- Okay.
So what was the first symptom?
I'm sure it's different for little people like you.
So what was the, what happened?
- I'm not sure what that means.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know what that means.
- I had a runny nose, and my nose started running.
- A little drippy nose.
- A little drippy nose.
- A little drippy nose.
- See, I like the way he cares.
A little bit of care right now.
- A little sarcastic.
- Imagine how tiny his cough was.
- Achoo, achoo.
- Yeah, he is so cute.
- I'm glad y'all are a little too.
All right, so now.
- And his little tiny lugs.
- Oh, so small.
- His little tiny lugs.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Like those little poppable bubbles that come in a pop.
- And he hacks, he hacks, he hacks.
- L