Name: Teen Mom Bumps Bobby | Ep 112 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2022-04-18T16:00:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Teen Mom Bumps Bobby | Ep 112 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Teen Mom Bumps Bobby | Ep 112 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-18. Transcript available.

Teen Mom Bumps Bobby | Ep 112 | Bad Friends

you two are bad friends who are these two idiots white dude and an asian dude
you two are disgusting
you two are something we're bad friends ladies and gentlemen welcome my best
buddy my best
little tiny niece look at her what's wrong with you she's like a depressed pill
bug i'm scared
of what tomorrow oh my god because we're going to austin texas this will have
aired already when
yeah i know but we can still express our feelings and you know what you shouldn't
be scared did you
bobby was panicking in the car were you i know i wasn't what was i doing in the
car he she he was
like breathing really fast and then he was like we're gonna bomb tomorrow we
are gonna bomb yeah
we are gonna bomb but that's okay that's okay and here's why it's okay we'll be
together our whole
did i say that in the car we're gonna bomb together me bob and fancy if you
were alone
on the titanic by yourself it'd be scary so with us so fun not fun but we'll
drown together it'd be
kind of fun yeah we'd make some jokes on the way down yeah yeah we'd be like i
bet you that fat
guy's gonna float i know you'd make a few you and i though you know what we
here's the fight though
we're like in the second deck the whole boat is submerged you and me are in the
bottom of the boat
yeah yeah the bottom because we're working there yeah we just we just got up to
the but you know
how there's always that like little gap of air that people try to yeah yeah you
and i will fight for
that little tiny gap of air we'll headbutt each other but then we'll end up
kissing oh yeah and
survive on each other's breath yeah there wait there's us on the boat right
there that's us that
there's bobby on the right yeah yeah yeah that's yeah what are you you're not
even on there there's
four asians that died in the titanic wait was there any irish people that died
on the titanic
that's where the scum they were the scum on the boat have you ever seen the
movie titanic yes did
you see any asians in that fucking movie no those four guys were never
represented why did they not
we should make another titanic too let's make our version me who else should be
in it well there's
some ugly asians there um is that after they drowned that looks like after they
drowned that guy on the
right looks like he has barnacles on his face like from the bottom of the boat
got stuck to his head
on the way down yeah and the guy next to the guy in the far right you know that
you know what that
thing on his head is on the right shiitake mushroom they grow on them no no
they don't grow but that's
what they use when they do the walk oh yeah yeah yeah yeah the guy to the the
guy to left to him
looks a little a little yakuza you know what i mean he was there to kill
somebody yakuza yeah yeah
what's the guy in the second he's the money guy no that's obviously the money
guy yeah and the guy
the far left is them is he is actually this guy on the far left he's the most
debonair that was their
version of like uh the handsome guy they sent out like that's their james that's
their james bone
what if that was like um they're like the asian rat pack this is a show they
were doing a show at the
bottom you know what i mean how would that sound like you know what's the song
that they would sing
well new uh the rat pack yeah yeah sing new york new york i don't know the song
that's the problem
i'll just say new york new york new york you know what i mean we never been
there but new york
you're right and then concrete jungle where dreams are made up look at this
yeah start spreading the
news i'm leaving today hey chen i think there's water beneath the feet keep
going keep going i want
to be a part of it new york new york oh my legs are wet i know i don't know why
maybe you're so nervous
you're peeing yourself you mean he's poor bastard he's poor bastard show me the
irish men that died on
the boat yeah these scumbags what were they doing these potato fucking lose
they were definitely in
the bottom of the irish that died on the titanic one guy here's one guy no one
dude that's a whole
family look at that there they all go there they are oh that's me on the top
right look at me in
the top right yeah it's just so angry look at almost look as open mouth breathers
look at how dumb
these people were yeah yeah can you imagine going down do you ever get scared
of boats no because i can
swim oh yeah okay if you're in the middle of the fucking ocean you can't swim
in a pool yeah you can
swim yeah but i can just float oh oh you think you float you float you do
listen so what you're saying
to me right now jules is that in the titanic you're down there you're the
manager of the rat pack the
asian rat pack yeah i'd probably just die because it's so cold so it doesn't
matter that's right
bingo yeah you'd die for sure you'd be dead for sure i want to tell you
something what did i talk
about this on this show that i watched my favorite documentary i watched it
again the someplace like
heaven about old people in florida amazing what's it called a place like heaven
i told you
some place some kind of heaven way off i talked about it on the show already
let me look at the cover i
think i've seen it before look give me the cover of the dvd absolutely
beautiful can i get the cover
of the dvd what the dvd looks well it's not dvd it's not there it's on netflix
or it's on hulu
yeah beautiful about old people yeah i've seen that it just reminded me that
you know what we're
gonna die and we might as well soak it up while we're alive because who knows
how long we'll last
yeah i don't think i'm gonna end up on one of those like uh retirement
communities yeah there's no
imagine you and i together though how much fun we would have they would bocce
nights we get kicked
out we would get kicked we would totally get kicked out what would we do the
later we'd probably do
the podcast we'd we do old man podcasts from late from an old fight an old
really old bad friends
we change it very bad very old bad friends there there you are there you are
right now that's not
me man that's us on the podcast the native dude right and that's me in the
background well let's
tell the audience let's not kick around it bobby is going to do how many
episodes you doing a
reservation dogs i'm um doing two episodes of reservation dogs why what's your
care what's
the character called uh dr kang you're that you're playing another asian doctor
yeah i'm a doctor
dr kang yeah yeah can you believe that they think you could pass for a doctor
it's striking to me
what do you mean give me one doctor give me one medical term okay well um your
metamorphosis
my metamorphosis has metastasized yeah and the tumor is metastasized and it's
metamorphosized into
a bigger tumor and we need to really get the scalpel and um remove the mass
that's inside your colon
are you are you in my insurance network because i feel like i have to make sure
that
i don't i don't know if you're that that's not believable where did you go to
medical school
i went to john hopkins university bob hopkins bob hodgkins bob hodgkins you
went to bob hodgkins
disease yeah yeah bob hodgkins disease university and um we had a football team
the hodgkin hawks
oh really yes and the hodgkin strokes stroke hawks and then we stroke hawk we
were in the second
division which one of the football league the second division of the american
national college football
division two division two we call it the second division okay yeah so you know
tit for tat
yeah and we won the conference that's right we did who'd you guys play in the
championship the uh
devry you know the devry mesmerizers oh because they're mesmerized they mesmerize
you yeah yeah
they just talk you to death right you know who could pass for a little doctor
yeah you could be a
little doctor no okay so i'm a patient all right just really focused on the
improv here and commit
to it all right so i'm a doctor and i have your patient yeah i have lyme
disease right and you have
to explain to me what that is so hey doc i'll be the nurse yeah doctor yeah
this is uh mr bob lee
um as we spoke about before all the vitals seem pretty normal except for an
unusually uh small
epididymis but everything else seems normal the gentleman that blood results
came back that he has
of course lyme disease and uh would you like to take it from here and tell him
what's going on
hi mr lee what's your name i'm dr kune hello how are you good good start how's
your day
well i have fucking lyme disease but other than that you don't know that you
still don't know
you just said it to her oh that's right but i overheard it she walked in the
room oh that was in
the hallway table was that in the hallway yeah you're on the table kicking your
legs on the start
over you don't have to do your monologue again you come back in come back in
right hello
hi mr lee how are you your name is i'm dr kune how are you i feel great um this
morning my little
boy 12 years old ramon um got the uh the home run at the softball game and uh
hit old lady in the eye
we don't know what's going to happen to her but um he did win a trophy and i'm
very excited
okay um okay so you have lyme disease didn't hear a word you said about like
didn't even acknowledge
didn't register you you were like we could have killed someone she's like okay
okay so you have
lyme disease skipped right over it yeah go ahead you have lyme disease you don't
have to be scared
i don't because it seems like a serious thing i'll explain it to you okay oh
sorry my bad don't be
scared okay okay so it's just a stage three type of skin disease what's lyme
disease is skin disease
yeah okay why are you asking the nurse i'm the doctor i know but i saw a
documentary about
lyme disease i also know somebody that has it and it's not a skin it's not a
skin thing but
anyway i might have a version that's i'm the doctor why are you my bad why are
you questioning
i'm not questioning you i'm so sorry don't be rude i had no idea that lyme
disease can go on the skin
right so that's all it's like a rash well you get it it comes through your skin
from a right you get
it from a tick that's exactly right that's i know that that is true now i'm
back on board okay i'm back
on boards what you have is stage three i have a stage three skin lyme disease
yeah which means
you're gonna die in six months six months isn't bad yeah so tell your son
congratulations uh-huh and
wait why is he congratulating his son on his death wait wait wait if i'm the
trophy
excuse me fuck my son though oh no no no but what you're saying to me is that
there's there's no
treatment no because well because it's stage three no because how many stages
are there doctor yeah i'm
still in medical school i don't know yeah stage four there's four stage one two
three four so four you
just die immediately there's a cure there's a cure stage three you die in six
months what does stage
four does what does stage four do an hour and a half yeah yeah you get like an
hour there's a cure
though what is it there's a cure but because you have you're asian oh no here
it goes here it goes
here's the racism here comes the racism i knew there was racism involved in
this what happens because
i'm asian what happens what's the color of a lime a lime is green green yeah
but she's done a lime
was yellow yeah
she legitimately let her follow through i know let her follow through not bad
it's still good
yeah the lime is green but are there yellow yellow lemons let me tell you
something you're gonna be
green with envy when everyone else is alive and you're dead that's what's going
on i'm just saying
that there's no cure for yeah but what is the lime and the green have anything
to do with it because
you just mentioned it he's about to cry again doc we just mentioned it i'm just
saying because you
have yellow skin i have yellow skin and it might be the same as the lime
although lime is a green
there's like yellow limes so i'm saying oh they're yellow i didn't know because
we have our
assistant look up is there yellow l