Name: Twitter Deal Canceled! | Ep 114 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2022-05-02T16:00:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Twitter Deal Canceled! | Ep 114 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Twitter Deal Canceled! | Ep 114 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-02. Transcript available.

Twitter Deal Canceled! | Ep 114 | Bad Friends

Hey, Bad Friends, come see me live.
This weekend, I'm playing Los Angeles.
I'm doing my hour for the Netflix Festival here in Los Angeles.
Go to andrewsantino.com for the tickets.
Then I'm going to be going to Vancouver and Tahoe, Montclair, New Jersey, and
Niagara Falls.
Only a couple of dates left to come see me.
But this weekend, Bad Friends, come see me.
Los Angeles, downtown the Palace Theater on Saturday, May 7th.
andrewsantino.com for the tickets.
andrewsantino.com for them tickets.
You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
Let's welcome Bobby back from Oklahoma.
So I, um, shout out to Craig Drinkin' Water.
Craig Drinky Water.
Yeah, yeah, Drinkin' Water.
Drinkin' Water?
No, no, no, no, no, Deer and Water.
Deer Water?
You texted me, you don't know the name.
I do know.
Craig Deer and Water.
Craig Deer in Water.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Craig Deer and Water.
Yeah, Deer and Water.
You're right.
The Red Corn family.
Shout out to the fucking Red Corn family.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Heavy shout out to the Red Corn.
Shout out to Sterling, all the gang over there.
Shout out to-
Were the Yellow Corn boys there?
Yeah, I never met the Yellow Corn.
I think I'm the Yellow Corn.
You're the Yellow Corn, yeah.
You are the leader.
Shout out to all the ladies at the Tavern.
I hung out there.
A little vague.
Be more specific.
Gretel, it's a restaurant.
Gretel, a bunch of people.
Shout out to all the people at Lowood and Bull in the Alley.
Shout out to, not to fucking, the hotel.
Gretel was there?
Was Hansel there?
Hey, I had a really good time, man.
That was a really fun time.
I was in Tulsa for two weeks shooting Res Dogs.
And I just love that show, man.
It's so good.
I think you look really, really good.
And it looks fun.
Like, you look like it's a fun character.
It's a fun character because now I'm, you know, a little wild.
A little wild.
Yeah.
Dr. Kang is a little wild now.
Well, I want to say something.
Happy birthday.
Who's birthday?
I don't know.
Idiot.
Well, first of all, let's welcome back to the show.
A missing element of the show.
The black stain on our hearts that is the most beautiful little nugget.
The little cocoa bean that we love to bring to the show.
And sometimes he's busy and can't make it.
But he's back in black because that's his skin color.
Ladies and gentlemen, little black magic, a.k.a.
Doc Willis, a.k.a.
I don't park cars no more.
Doc is in the motherfucking building.
In the building.
In the building.
What's up?
Hey, Doc, you know it's summertime.
Yeah.
He's wearing a sweater.
That's fucking awesome.
I don't know how to roll like this.
You know what?
You don't get sweaty?
No.
This ain't even a sweater.
It's like a thin t-shirt.
Yeah, maybe the liquor kind of makes it cool your body.
Yeah, a little bit.
I ain't drinking a day though.
Yeah.
On Twitter, there's a couple of women that have tweeted me and they said, in a
serious way,
not in a joking way.
You have to be nicer to Doc.
We can't stand it.
We can't stand it.
You're a bully.
But they fuck.
I know.
So what I'm going to do for this podcast, okay, is be mindful and be just super
generous and
kind to you.
I'm going to try.
I'm going to give it a go because you know what?
They might have a point, right?
So I want to say, you can wear whatever you want, even though it's fucking 90
degrees outside.
All right?
You can drink whatever you want.
I support your alcoholism and I support-
So what is this?
Is this going to be a Christian podcast now?
No.
This is-
No.
It's not-
No, I'm-
Is this going to be a Christian podcast now?
Yeah.
It's going to be a Christian podcast.
I didn't know that.
Well, let's pray for your-
How about let's all do a prayer together.
Dear Heavenly Father.
Dear Jesus.
Dear little black Jesus.
Dear little black-
Yeah, he is black.
They might have a different God.
Black people?
Yeah.
What?
Well, that shit's going to be nice.
No, no, no.
Right away.
I'm not saying the white God is better than the black God.
But isn't it though?
No.
Yeah, I mean, it's-
But I'd rather go to black heaven because it seems like there's better music.
And he's hotter.
Yeah, yeah.
Black Jesus.
That's black Jesus.
Way hotter.
Way hotter.
Rudy, Rudy, BBC, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Can you imagine?
You can see black Jesus was like one of those guys in New York who does like
dips and pull-ups
on the playgrounds.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You've seen those videos?
That's black Jesus.
He says stuff like, yeah, man, I knew Basquiat.
He did.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Black Jesus is hotter, right?
I think so.
Do you think black heaven is different than white heaven?
Do you think we're all together in the afterlife?
Yeah.
You don't think it's segregated?
I think it's segregated.
I think it's segregated.
Where would it be?
I don't think God-
Unless there's one God.
I don't think he's going to be like, all right, guys, this is your cloud or
your section.
No, he'll let everyone hang, but I think we would just kind of, our angels
would fly toward
our group.
You would do what you do, what people do in the real world.
You kind of go by the people that you know.
So there would be a black section of heaven.
There'd be a Filipino section of heaven.
Yeah.
Sorry.
And of course, there would be segregated groups.
Yeah.
I don't think so.
And I would come over to the cloud and I'd go, what's going on over on your
cloud?
And you guys, you know, there's got to be a cookout going on up there.
Okay.
And I wouldn't be invited to the cookout.
The cookout.
Yeah, you'd definitely be there.
I would come through.
Would he get invited to the cookout?
Yeah.
Well, I think, because, you know, we like-
I wouldn't come.
We like Chinese food, so.
I mean, all of y'all are welcome.
That's all I'm saying.
Let me ask you something.
Do you know what this phrase is?
Get invited to the cookout.
Do you understand this phrase?
Yeah, either you're not or-
But do you know what it's in reference to?
No.
Okay.
A song?
In black culture, referring to someone who isn't black that gets, quote unquote,
invited to the cookout means you're cool with black people.
Enough for them to go, you can come to the cookout.
Yeah, I've never been invited to a cookout.
I know.
Trust me.
I know you've never been invited to a cookout.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Can you invite me to a cookout in heaven?
At least in heaven.
Doc, do not invite him to a cookout.
In fucking heaven, please.
No, you don't get that.
You've got to do a lot of fixing down here on earth before you get invited to
black cookout.
Now, let me ask you something.
Do black angels, just listen, all right?
They don't fly, by the way.
They coach.
They chill.
Well, there's too much bling on the wings.
It's just heavy down with like a bunch of metal.
You can hear the black angels coming with all the chains knocking off each
other when they fly.
Are the wings black as well, or is this just the body?
I don't know.
How does that work?
You know what?
What?
Show him the palm of your hands right now.
Boom.
White.
See what I mean?
You see what I mean?
A darker tan.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, I did my 23andMe, and I'm like 17% white.
That helps.
Yeah.
Yeah, dawg.
Are you anything else?
You're like Barack.
I'm 77% like Congo, West Africa.
And then I'm 2% Asian and South Asian.
South Asian?
You're 2% South Asian?
Yeah, and like 1% Latino.
You're more like Tiger Woods.
Yeah, you're Tiger.
You know what I'm saying?
That's where those eyes come from.
That's where your eyes come from.
You know what I mean?
Oh, is that?
You do have squinty eyes, huh?
What are my eyes?
Am I?
You have big eyes.
Big round eye.
Yeah, big eyes.
I'm a big round eye.
Yeah.
By the way, speaking to get invited to the cookout,
would either of these two get invited to the cookout?
These Latinos?
Of course.
They would.
Yeah.
Every minority is invited.
You guys would be a little bit...
I get invited to the cookout.
Yeah, you because you...
But I'm a minority of whites.
You did a movie with Kevin Hart, so you get a ghetto.
Thank you.
I did too, fucktard.
Oh, you did?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, but he said he didn't like you.
That's true, that's true.
What would Bobby bring to the cookout?
What would he bring?
What would you bring?
That's what I want to...
Well, you know, if you go to Chosan or Parks,
any of the Korean restaurants...
Love.
Love, right?
Love.
What do they bring to the table?
That seems a little weird.
Potato salad.
Oh, potato salad.
I don't like that.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I don't like that.
I'll bring potato salad.
No, no, no, no, no.
That's like a big thing with black people.
You can't bring...
Black people don't like potato salad?
No, no, no, we love...
They love potato salad.
But we argue with each other about potato salad.
They make it.
You can't bring it.
If you brought potato salad, they would throw it away.
Okay, can I say this?
What's that?
I'll...
I want to be nice, okay?
No, no, no.
No, no.
Come on, let it fly.
You fucking little...
No, no.
So what I'm saying is that you think that I go low grade?
You don't think that I go high grade?
High grade?
I mean...
Last night when I came into town, right?
I wanted to see my dogs.
So I went to Boa Steakhouse, right?
I ordered two steaks.
One for me and a $75 steak for my dogs.
Okay?
That's how I roll, dog.
I feel you on that.
All right, so I would come to your fucking steakhouse.
But in a room full of strangers that don't know you
and you just come walking in with potato salad
and it's all black people, we're going to be like, man...
Really, they don't have television or YouTube?
They don't know who I am?
Come on, man.
What's up?
No, I'm just saying.
They're not going to know who I am.
No credit.
They never saw...
If you walked in with potato salad, it's like, shit.
Here's why.
Okay, go ahead.
He's telling you black people love potato salad.
They take pride in it.
Yeah.
So if you show up with something whack or mediocre,
then you get uninvited to the cookout.
Okay.
Now you're in jeopardy of never getting invited back.
You've got to bring something more monotonous.
It's funny because I imagine that me driving to a cookout
in my head is going to think,
this is the last cookout I'm ever going to go to.
It's just a one-time deal for me.
So if they ever ask me back, fuck it.
That's what I want.
You just got to be strategic.
If I had a cookout,
because we don't call it cookout,
we call it kooko.
Kooko, kooko, kooko, kooko.
Right?
So if you were invited to my kooko, right?
And you brought kimchi.
Yeah, that's the same thing.
It's the same thing.
But check it out, right?
We would laugh.
Of course.
Of course.
Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Black man, bro, kimchi.
You know what I mean?
If you brought kimchi to our kooko, right?
Kooko.
We would laugh.
We would whisper to each other,
who brought the, you know what I mean?
If the kimchi was legit,
we would be like,
we would go, this is legit.
Yeah, but I just don't think he'd bring kimchi.
What would you bring to a Korean cookout?
I don't know how you would make kimchi.
Would you make kimchi?
How does kimchi made, do you think?
Kimchi, I don't even know what it is.
Welcome back to cooking.
Seaweed, right?
You don't know what kimchi is.
Seaweed?
Okay, it's seaweed, yeah, sure.
It's seaweed, what else?
Brussels sprouts?
Yeah.
Nuss sprouts, nuss sprouts.
Mung bean sprouts.
Love Brussels sprouts.
Brussels sprouts.
We love it.
No, no, keep going.
So it's seaweed, Brussels sprouts?
Seaweed, Brussels sprouts.
You said string beans or green beans?
What did you say?
No, mung beans.
Okay, mung beans.
Mung bean?
Yeah, mung bean.
And then how is it prepared?
You think the seaweed?
A little bit of Miracle Whip, right?
A little bit of fucking.
Yes.
He's pretty close.
Miracle, yeah.
A little bit of hot sauce.
Mayonnaise?
A little bit of hot sauce.
What kind of hot sauce?
Tabasco or Louisiana?
Wasabi.
A little bit of wasabi.
Oh, wasabi.
Hell yeah, fam.
Now we're cooking.
Now we're cooking.
Yeah, I don't know how to cook.
Yeah, if