Name: Rated F for Fun | Ep 122 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2022-06-27T16:00:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Rated F for Fun | Ep 122 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Rated F for Fun | Ep 122 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-27. Transcript available.

Rated F for Fun | Ep 122 | Bad Friends

Hi, Carlos!
Hi, Andres!
What are we doing here today?
We're learning how to tell time.
Holy moly!
Our fans shouldn't listen to their leader, Bobby, leave so much.
He needed Marc Maron to teach them how to tell time.
They don't...
Oh, no!
Do you think our fans don't know how to tell time?
I don't think they do.
How about we teach them?
Let's teach them.
Did you know there are three time zones in the U.S.?
There are actually four.
Oh, yeah, but nobody cares about the mountain people, right?
Yeah, no, just white people.
Let's think about our three time zones.
What are they?
New York, Chicago, Los Angeles.
Or, as other people might know it as, Eastern, Central, and Western time.
Oh, okay.
That's fantastic.
So, let's see, if it's 9 o'clock in L.A., what time is it in New York?
Fourteen.
Oh, oh, oh.
Wait, how do I do this, Andres?
It's only three hours difference, so we have to make the small hand go three
numbers up.
Oh.
It's 9 in L.A., it's 12 in New York.
That's when Bad Friends comes out.
Is that so difficult, your moronic audience, to understand?
You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
Welcome to Bad Friends.
Hey, we got these new shirts.
I love them.
This is, you know why we got these new shirts?
What?
This is the Bad Friends Family Live.
We're doing a live show, June 28th.
June 28th.
June 28th.
Go to momenthouse.com slash badfriends to sign up to watch this live show.
It's a Christian live show.
It's a Christian live show.
It's all, it's going to be.
I'm getting baptized.
I'm baptizing you.
I get your baptism made by Joseph Smith.
Joseph Smith?
Exactly, man.
Yes.
And it's going to be great.
So watch Bad Friends Live.
You can watch it from your couch, from the bathtub, from a spaceship.
Yeah.
You can watch from anywhere.
It's a Christian only show.
It's going to be, what is below G?
Below G is H, no, A, B, C, D, E, F.
It'll be F.
It'll be rated F.
Yeah, yeah.
For fuck yeah.
Fuck yeah.
Watch Bad Friends Live.
Yeah.
June 28th.
Sign up now.
Why didn't they have a rating G?
Like in the movies, if they had a rated G movie.
Wait, it is G.
G is the lowest rating.
No, G is the good one.
The Christian one.
But is there a, they should have a rating that's beyond F, that's worse.
What do you mean?
That's beyond X?
There's NC-17.
Oh, there's NC-17.
It goes G, PG, PG-13, F.
No, not F.
R.
R.
I mean, R, that's right, R.
R.
Sorry, sorry.
Idiot.
I just woke up, so I have no idea what's going on.
Then NC-17.
Right.
And then X is pornography.
Yeah.
You mean one beyond X.
X, one beyond X is what I meant to say.
Like murder porn.
Yeah, but still directed by legit people.
Like Quentin Tarantino.
Like what would be a Q?
I think Q's pretty-
Have you guys seen a Serbian film?
Serbian?
A Serbian film.
A Serbian?
Serbian.
Are you saying the country Serbia?
Yeah.
A Serbian film.
A Serbian film.
Say, hey, say the letter B.
B.
Say Serbian.
Serbian.
There it is.
There it is.
Only took you five times to do it.
Yeah.
We cannot have him on this show anymore if he keeps doing this stuff.
I know, I know.
Well, listen, don't talk.
He's a producer-engineer guy, right?
We love the fancy.
So-
A Serbian film.
So that's rated beyond X?
That is, yeah, like banned.
It's banned.
That's sick if you get your film banned.
We have to get that movie.
Yeah.
Now, would you feel guilty for jerking off at that movie?
Yes.
Okay, well, I won't.
I refuse to.
What do you mean you'd feel guilty?
What is the movie about?
It's a horror film about a porn star who has like, you know, sex with babies
and-
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
No, we can't watch it.
We can't watch it.
Can we introduce Jess?
What the fuck are you talking about?
Fancy?
Yeah.
Why would you watch that?
Did you direct it?
Is that what you're teaching those kids in film school?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Have you ever one class assignment to watch a Serbian film?
No, first Kurosawa.
Kurosawa first.
Then we're going to talk about Orson Welles.
And then Serbian film.
That's the last chapter.
All right, so.
Let's introduce our guest.
Yeah.
We've been trying.
She canceled us one time before.
Yeah, what was that about?
I was in South By and I was doing some shows out there and Bobby called me and
I could have
flown back, but I drove out there.
So to take him in case.
Do you think Bobby could have paid for a plane ticket for you to fly back here?
No.
I mean, yes, but I would have done it.
Yes, I would have done it.
No, you wouldn't have.
Yeah, I would have.
Okay.
But I asked you, is this the end of my career?
And then what did I say?
You said yes.
And then you said, ha, just kidding.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, but we're not kidding.
It was the end.
Yeah.
That was it.
This is a funeral for your career.
Is Bono mad you stole his glasses?
Wow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, when you're a big YouTube fan, like, oh, man, Josh is great.
Do you know, how old are you?
32.
She's aware of that being put on your phone without your...
Talk about the original without consent.
You two sexually assaulting our phones with their fucking music.
Remember when they just put it on your iTunes?
More like me, too.
That's it.
Boom.
That's a joke.
She's here.
Yeah.
So, Jessie Johnson, she's a door person at the store.
Door person.
And comic.
How about fucking...
What a shitty fucking intro.
What's wrong with you today, man?
Jessie's just so aggressive.
She's a good comedian.
I'm just trying to lay up some fucking lobs, man.
Jessie's a good comedian.
She's a great comedian.
She's a door person.
Who works at the comedy store.
You don't have to say door person.
Is she not?
Just say she works at the comedy store.
She works at the comedy store as a...
She works there as a comedian who works there.
And she does extra activities.
I have extracurriculars.
Well, the vagueness of that is bad.
Okay.
What does that mean?
She goes, can I see your ID?
Yeah, yeah.
People need...
Hey, you know what her latest thing that was pissing me off?
What were you pissing me off?
We were in the hallway, right?
Oh, yeah.
So, it's me, Letterman.
Who else was there?
Oh, yeah.
Who else was there?
David?
Shane Gillis was there.
Shane Gillis.
Trevor Wallace.
Trevor Wallace.
We're just sitting quietly talking.
Quietly talking like we were in a library, right?
And this woman comes up to me, this door person, and goes,
Guys, um, you guys can keep it down.
The show's going on.
I'm on her side.
You probably were being too loud.
We weren't.
The showroom is right there.
I bet you were talking too loud and people heard you in the showroom.
No, what was happening?
People complaining?
Well, I will tell you, people were complaining, like, a lot.
And, you know, murmur, murmur, murmur, and looking around.
But then when you came in and they saw it was you doing it,
they were like, oh, my God, that's Bobby Levy being loud.
Don't do that to him.
Don't give him that.
That's exactly.
No, don't give him that.
That's what I wanted.
That's exactly what happened, and it's the factual truth.
But I was kind of happy you walked in the room because I was like,
do I have to – how am I to defuse this situation?
Because you came in, like, shy.
Like, you didn't know what to do because you were like –
You were around me and were like, you guys need to shut the fuck up.
Well, you got to be assertive.
When you're talking to Shane Gillis, that guy's like, you know what I mean?
Dough boy.
Yeah, I know.
Is that what you want to call him?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That guy's a doobie.
And Trevor's like, you know, hiv city, you know what I mean?
He's a hiv patient?
No, he just looks skinny and just kind of frail.
You know what I mean?
You can't just let these fucking doughboys and hivvies, you know what I mean,
boss you around, dog.
That's right.
Yeah.
That's a life lesson, Jeff.
That's a life lesson.
Doughboys and hivvies, man.
Can't let these hiv kids and doughboys –
Yeah, am I too being too aggressive?
A little bit today.
Yeah, yeah, I'm so sorry.
I just woke up, so that's my excuse.
When did you wake up, Jessie?
It's a reasonable hour.
Yeah.
And you worked late last night because I saw you there last night.
Yeah, I worked a lot last night.
Yeah, yeah.
Where are you from?
San Diego?
Arizona.
Oh, why did I say San Diego?
Did I ask you?
I don't know why you said that.
I think everybody from the store is from San Diego.
Everyone that comes up to work, I'm always like, are you all from San Diego?
Arizona, Phoenix?
Yeah, Phoenix.
God bless.
Scottsdale?
That's where I went to college.
Where did you go?
Scottsdale community?
Fighting artichokes.
There you go, baby.
They're called the fighting artichokes?
I went to Arizona State.
You know that, right?
Oh, we're rivals.
Well, not really.
One of us went to college.
What's the fighting artichoke?
The other one went to Scottsdale Community College.
It's the fighting artichoke.
That's their symbol.
Yeah, it's our mascot.
That's hilarious.
That almost seems like it's a make-believe college.
But it grows so plentifully up there.
Do you know artichokes are everywhere in Scottsdale?
Oh, they are?
No.
I don't know that.
I've never seen an artichoke, never seen it on the menu.
It has no connectivity.
Yeah.
Do you know when we got our place, when I moved into my place, three artichoke
plants on my
front, I didn't even know, I don't, I didn't know that they grow like that in
the wild.
Yeah.
Just in our front, like in our front yard.
Really?
Well, so you could like-
I have three artichoke plants.
Randomly see artichoke plants growing in your shed.
When I moved in, they were like, they were budding and big and I was like-
But somebody had planted them, right?
The guy that lived there before, but I was like, he didn't know me.
Hippie?
Hippie?
Huh?
Hippie?
Hippie-dippie.
Yeah.
Hippie-dippie-dippie.
I hate hippie-dippies.
I'm not a hippie-dippie-dippie.
I hate them more than you hate them.
No, no, no.
Dude, you don't have to understand.
They make me nauseous.
What's the biggest thing about hippies?
Because when I was in high school, right-
That's the plant that's in my front.
It's crazy.
It's huge.
Yeah.
When I was in high school, right, I was so into-
This is so gross.
Drugs and dick?
No, but I was into those two things too.
Yeah, yeah.
But I was also-
Yeah, yeah.
But thirdly, you know what I mean?
My third favorite thing.
It went dicks, drugs, but my third-
And dicks and drugs would switch depending on the day.
Some days-
I would do a combo.
Dick drug.
Yeah, dick drug.
I would do a dick drug.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dick is your drug.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
So anyway, so dicks, drugs, and then-
But the third thing that I was into was kind of like-
I was one of those weird artsy emo kids.
Yeah, well, you were in a band.
I saw the band is-
Yeah, but not only that, but I was into Kurosawa-
Like, so gross.
I was into Kurosawa films.
I was into The Velvet Underground.
And if it wasn't like Roxy music or-
You know what I mean?
It's like a cool thing, right?
So all my other friends were into The Grateful Dead.
They would actually go and travel and go see them.
And I just hated the smell of patchouli.
I don't like hair on the legs.
Yeah.
I don't like pit hairs.
You know what I mean?
So I would always like fight with them about it.
Like, I don't want to see a show where they're doing a jam in G major.
You don't like that.
A 45-minute jam in G major.
Two-minute song, man!
I got shit to do, man.
But they're just like G major.
And a flute popping in.
Fuck you, man.
I like the flute.
Dude, you always do Devil's Advocate.
I enjoy it.
That's why we're close.
It's the whole show.
But stop, stop.
It's the part of the show.
Yeah.
But anyway, I hate all of that.
I don't like tie-dye.
Crystals.
Crystals, tie-dye.
Dreadlocks on whites.
Yeah.
Dreadlocks on whites is always-
Dreadlocks on whites.
That's a good fucking-
It's just not for us.
It's not ours.
Yeah.
So stop.
That's the one appropriation where I'm mad that we don't get mad about.
Yeah.
All the cultural appropriation that