Name: Andrew Schulz Knows Rudy is a Spy | Ep 125 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2022-07-18T16:00:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Andrew Schulz Knows Rudy is a Spy | Ep 125 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Andrew Schulz Knows Rudy is a Spy | Ep 125 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-18. Transcript available.

Andrew Schulz Knows Rudy is a Spy | Ep 125 | Bad Friends

You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
How you doing, buddy?
How you doing, man?
Good to see you.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Dude, you look different.
Yeah.
Next level.
You look next level.
I'm Italian now, dude.
It goes to Italy.
It's more Italiano.
Yeah, yeah.
First of all, I know what I see on your wrist, Schultz.
What is that?
I know what it is.
It's a little something, bro.
What is it?
It's a little something.
Bobby doesn't know about watches.
None of your business, Bobby.
What is it, though?
Is it a fancy watch?
None of your business.
Yeah, how much?
None of your business.
It's more than your car.
Well, I see diamonds on it.
No diamonds.
No diamonds.
I've heard diamonds.
Yeah, but it's like shiny.
It is shiny.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Is it silver?
Yeah.
Let me ask you a question.
Bro, bro, let me ask you a question.
Dude, what makes it shiny?
The silver?
Let me ask.
What makes it shiny?
Dude, just say yes.
Let me ask you questions about it, right?
Please.
Because I don't know much about it, right?
Please.
Neither do I.
I'm a fraud.
Stainless steel.
It's steel, yeah.
It's a stainless steel because that's the good stuff, right?
No, no.
They want it to stain now.
Oh, they do?
Yeah, stain steel.
Everybody likes stained steel.
All right.
Does it do multipurpose stuff?
Like, for instance, time is one thing.
Obviously, it does that, right?
Yeah, yeah.
It does the time.
Also, it follows the solstices.
Follows the solstices.
Solstices, right?
Does it do that?
No.
Is it waterproof?
Yeah.
Oh, that's a very good one.
Yeah.
Does it do date, obviously?
You got to tell me your name again.
I'm Rudy.
It's nice to meet you.
Rudy Jules.
Yeah.
This is Andrew Schultz.
Wait, your name is really Rudy Jules?
No, it's Jules, but he made it up.
But I made it up because Rudy Giuliani.
Little Jules.
Little Jules.
Queen of New York.
This is the king of New York you're meeting right here.
Yeah.
Say, God bless.
He's the king of New York.
He's the king of fucking New York right there.
I thought he'd be really short.
He's the king of fucking New York and you're not even-
What?
What did you say?
I thought he'd be really short.
Because she saw you on TikTok.
Okay, so-
She thought he'd be short?
Yeah, because I saw him on TikTok.
How tall are you?
I have a short upper body.
Torso?
How tall are you, Schultz?
6'2".
So we're similar in height.
People will say to me when they see me live, "Oh, I thought you'd be shorter."
Because I think tall people don't look tall on-
Are you all legs or do you have torso?
I'm pretty leggy.
Yeah, me too.
When we sit down, we look small.
Yeah, look at me and him.
I'm almost, you know, me and the marshmallow are the same size.
I get the reverse.
The marshmallow.
I get reverse.
Toasted marshmallow, sorry.
Toasted.
When people meet me go, "We thought you'd be much taller."
Yeah.
We haven't spoken since.
Since what?
Since your whole thing.
Since you're free.
You know, 'cause she is the niece.
He doesn't give a fuck.
So we gotta-
Are you a spy?
Yeah, she's a fucking spy.
Yeah, she's a fucking spy!
No, I'm not!
You can't get away!
I'm a spy!
I'm a spy!
But what's wrong with you?
She's a spy!
You keep inviting her behind enemy lines!
I know, dude!
That's what I'm-
Get her out of here!
I know, I know.
Maybe she shouldn't be here.
But don't think, dude!
I know, but think it-
She's here!
It took you 15 years to get out of that relationship!
I know, I know.
Yeah, but you know what?
Go.
This is his tactic.
What is it?
He keeps the enemies close.
So he can lose?
You don't know his plan.
What is his plan?
Hey, he doesn't wanna lose some.
He wants to lose all of it.
So Korean, by the way?
Huh?
So Korean?
Yeah.
Just keep him up north.
Like, have him be our neighbors.
Keep him next door.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He lives downstairs.
We live in the same-
Wait a minute, are you guys still in that same place?
On the hill?
Yeah, in the same hill, place.
Yeah.
But she is also, we sleep on the same bed.
What?
This is, but-
It's a double.
It's pushed together.
They just separate it.
No, it's not.
No, we sleep on the same bed.
What I do is, I have a long pillow.
Yeah.
And I just put it between us.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What does that do?
Oh, a long pillow.
Oh my God.
I thought you were saying like an Asian sound.
Yeah, long pillow.
Yeah, long pillow.
Did I say Wong pillow?
No, I thought it was like long pillow.
I said long pillow.
I was spelling it L-U-O-N-G.
A long pillow.
Yeah, long pillow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
From the makers of long pillow comes long pillow.
Long pillow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She really just is here to judge, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Like just looking at you and making sure you're sad.
I mean, I didn't think that we would talk about it.
So you have some-
What's going on?
I love it.
I mean, he's almost free.
Yeah.
Do you know what I mean?
But you guys still live in the same place.
Why can't you guys be best friends?
Imagine you guys would be best friends and you have your own places.
And she can do her thing.
That's true.
And you can do your thing.
She is gonna-
Right?
Is that the plan?
I think so.
You don't know?
You don't think so.
I don't know what's going on.
I don't know.
You're part of the plan.
Are you part of the plan?
Have she talked to you about it?
Maybe.
Oh.
She only knows-
You can't smell rats.
Six words.
You can't smell rats.
No, I know.
I see her there.
Look at how she's sitting.
Yeah.
Of course.
Little rat.
Little rat-pasted.
I'm not.
Where's the new place gonna be?
She got more Asian as time went on now on the show.
Yeah.
I think what it is-
Can I be honest with you?
Please.
I think she thinks that you're cute.
Mm-hmm.
Just hear me out.
Okay.
Listen.
Look at this.
Look at this.
And she's a little intimidated by you, I think.
Look at that.
Look at that right there.
That's married.
No, his-
All married.
What?
His what?
Just say it.
He's a comic.
He can handle it.
His nose is too big.
His nose is too big.
That's true.
It's cartoony.
Yeah, yeah, that's true.
Yeah.
It just covers your whole face.
I can't see your eyes.
Yeah, yeah.
Wait a minute.
Hold on one second.
You said it covers my whole face.
You can't see my eyes.
So you like people with big eyes?
Yeah.
I just want someone that has equal parts.
Don't say equal.
Proportion.
You guys are known for the biggest eyes.
Yeah.
Dee, don't say you're into big eyes.
You're into slightly less than white eyes.
And if we're looking at each other, I have much bigger eyes.
Oh.
Let me see, Rudy.
Look at me with big eyes.
Yeah.
Go big eyes.
Schultz, big eyes.
I mean, I'm here and I'm bigger.
Yeah, it's a little bit bigger.
I'm squinting.
I'm double.
Big eye me, Rudy.
Look at this.
Look at this.
Yeah, no, that's still him.
Yeah, that's still him.
He's still champ.
Look at this.
No.
Don't be irritated.
Your face is like this.
Chill out.
No, but this is fun.
I like this.
You can't have fun if there's someone in a corner like, ew.
Yeah, yeah.
That's her natural state.
Are you like ick?
Are you into the ick?
Is that your thing?
No, it's just my face.
I don't know.
It's your voice, too.
Yeah.
It's the whole thing.
It's the whole thing.
And it needs to fucking stop.
Why?
Teacher.
It's too much.
Will you teach her?
Has she been in America?
What's the deal?
30 years she's been in America.
Oh, you're new.
She's new American.
Brand new.
Yeah.
She doesn't know the rules.
She doesn't know the rules.
She doesn't know the law, talk, do her face thing, the American face thing.
Yeah, yeah.
So everything is like bright here.
Do the American face thing, Bob.
But like even, can you pause like that?
Stay like that.
I'm going to show you what you look like looking at me.
Okay.
And then I want you to assess the comfort of the people that see you.
What's that?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That'll be a fun game.
That'll be fun.
Just like that.
I'm not.
What I'm going to do is go.
Ready?
Hold on.
There you go.
Yeah.
Okay.
So this is what I've been looking at since I got you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right?
So I'm already feeling like you're like, ugh.
But I'm not judging you.
You said the big nose thing.
Even the tonation.
Even the tonation.
The tonation.
We're going to teach you everything.
I'm not judging you.
Andrew's a pro.
It's like this.
I'm not judging you.
I'm not judging you.
She can't do this.
She smiled.
It's your voice that's holding you back.
It's hard.
It's not hard.
You're in America now.
Everything's easy.
You just go like this.
You go like this.
You sit back.
You relax.
Do your legs like him.
Can you put your legs down?
Do your legs like him.
Can you cross your legs?
There you go.
That's good.
That's good.
Bring the mic a little bit closer.
Look how you're smiling already.
Right?
Now, how do you feel about the Jews?
Their noses are so big.
But I thought you were a Jew.
No, I'm not.
Yeah, so it's fine to say your nose is big.
Oh, I love it.
I love it.
Very smart.
Very smart.
This is good.
It all comes around.
I actually appreciate the honesty.
When you were in the bathroom, he thought you were Jewish.
I said, you're not fucking Jewish.
No.
You're German, right?
Yeah.
Other side.
Yeah.
Probably.
They're probably Jewish.
Maybe.
Maybe.
You know, my family moved to Chicago.
What?
Yeah.
Your whole family did?
Nobody's in New York.
No, no.
My family moved from Prussia to Chicago.
Precious Russia.
Now it's Germany.
Right.
Ah.
Precious Russia.
Yes.
That's where they make precious dolls?
You know little precious dolls?
100%.
And then from Chicago to New York.
Oh, okay.
Got it.
So back in the day, there's some speculation.
You move there and you're like, uh-oh, might not be the best to be Jewish.
I'm Catholic.
Right.
Is there a history of-
'Cause we would've kicked you out.
Had our way with you, pal.
Keep moving along, bud.
Is there an uncle or grandfather that was funny in your family that you kind of
take after?
I think my dad was funny.
What are you, Jimmy Kimmel?
That was a really good question.
What is this?
I don't know.
I'm just trying to get in here.
Are you on a Tonight Show?
Yeah.
And is there anything in your past, anyone from your past, that people remind,
you know, your family
members remind them of-
I love you.
What the fuck are you doing, man?
Even when you're asking questions, it's about you.
It always goes right back to him.
Why?
Because the way I did it?
Yeah.
And now trying to look at me, look at me?
No, 'cause the way you did it is gonna make me make fun of you for doing it.
And then you can be like, what's going on?
It's like, what?
It's called, it's called set up.
He is a good set up.
He is a good set up.
He is a good set up.
You're good.
This is an entertainment podcast.
You're good.
This is an entertainment podcast.
Get a new apartment.
House.
Get a new apartment.
I bought the house.
For her.
I will.
And her.
Yeah, a house.
Is that wrong?
It's true.
Let me ask you something.
He would still, he wouldn't be living in a house.
She would appreciate that.
Yeah.
You don't think that she would appreciate that?
She would love that.
Okay.
Let me ask you something.
It's not like you guys did much decorating it.
You know what I mean?
Like, it's not like she's, she's.
You haven't been upstairs.
You don't know what the fuck my house looks like.
But I saw the Lego land in the bottom.
Yeah.
I was like, you don't need to go past that.
I saw it.
Right?
I saw it on the bottom.
You get the gist of it.
I got the gist of it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I walked up the Japanese game show to get to your fucking house.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All you need to do is put Vaseline on that driveway and have a bunch of fucking
Japanese people
trying to make it to the top.
It is a Japanese game.
It is a Japanese game.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And the crowd loves it when they break their neck.
Just .
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They are the best at game shows.
The best.
The best.
They've mastered it.
The best.
Yeah, yeah.
You don't win unless you get hurt.
You have to get really, reall