Name: Bobby's Bank Heist | Ep 129 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2022-08-15T16:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby's Bank Heist | Ep 129 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby's Bank Heist | Ep 129 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-15. Transcript available.

Bobby's Bank Heist | Ep 129 | Bad Friends

- Hey.
- Hey, y'all.
You know what, guys?
- New York.
- New York.
- New York.
- Here we come.
- Wait, that's such a good New York accent.
- New York.
- New York.
- New York.
We're doing the Gramercy Theater stand-up.
We're gonna do some stand-up
and we're gonna do a little bit of like a duo potty
kind of a thing.
- A little fun live thing for you guys, September 8th.
- September 8th.
Buy your tickets right now
because they're gonna sell out quickly.
- And if it sells out, we might add another show.
- A second show.
- We don't know.
- We might not.
- Just see how the first show goes,
but probably a second show.
- Maybe.
- Click on the link in the description below.
The tickets go on sale at noon Pacific time,
3:00 p.m. East Coast.
Today, they go on sale.
So I know the episode's already out,
but at noon on the West Coast,
at 3:00 p.m. on the East Coast,
buy those tickets now.
Also, Bob, I'm shooting my special,
September 24th.
- 24th.
- 24th.
- In Denver.
And I'm warming up, so come see me.
- Come check it out.
- Salt Lake City, Brea, Minneapolis, Madison,
and then Denver, September 24th.
I'm shooting my special.
Finally, go to andrewsantino.com for tickets.
andrewsantino.com for those tickets.
- You two are bad friends.
- Who are these two idiots?
- A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
- You two are something.
- We're bad friends.
- Welcome back to Bad Friends.
Boy, oh boy, do we have a good one for you today
because Fancy is gone.
He's in Espana.
- I didn't even notice.
- We deported him.
He's gone. - I literally didn't notice.
- Well, because he's worthless on this show.
- Well, we have Mr. Worthless.
- Who?
- Behind everyone else.
- He who shall not be named.
- Dr. Worthless, Captain Worthless.
- Captain Worthless.
- George Kimmel, Captain Worthless.
- I'm here to almost do nothing.
- Yeah, in fact, when he walked in there,
I go, what are you doing here?
That's what I said.
- I heard it from the parking lot.
- What are you doing here?
- And you know what he said?
He swallows air this guy.
I got a gift for old Rudy.
- Yeah, there we go.
- Look at how sick this thing is.
- Yeah.
- It's from our friends at Bespoke gave us this.
This will really kill somebody, so please be careful.
Okay?
- I don't have my other knives.
- Well, we took your knives away
because Doc shakes the chairs
and we're afraid it's gonna fall on his head.
- And that's specifically to kill other Filipinos,
no white people, okay?
It says it on the little thing.
- Does it?
Oh yeah, it says no whites.
- It's specifically.
- What about other Asians?
- No, only Filipinos.
- Only Filipinos.
Yeah, for the time being, that could change.
- This is cool.
- Unwrap it and see how sharp it is.
Do something cool with it.
Don't get it too close to that chair, it'll pop.
Isn't that sick, huh?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, say thanks Bespoke.
We also have next to Rudy, our very good friend
who now we can no longer call by her other moniker.
Her name is now JJ, just Jetsky Johnson.
- Well, no, no, no, we should come up with a nickname
because she complained about it.
We know what's going on with the juice juice.
- I like the name and then it dawned on me
how sexual it could be taken.
- But it's not if you don't, unless you make it sexual,
it's not sexual.
- Isn't orange sexual?
- Yeah.
- Depends.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, okay, what else is juicy?
- I like juicy.
- Yes.
- Juicy reminds me of Harry Styles.
- Harry Styles is juicy.
- Which you think is very sexy.
- That's right.
She doesn't want the connection between sexy and juicy.
- Remember those pants?
- Mm-hmm.
- Juicy.
- Yeah, the juicy on the butt.
Juicy pants.
Yeah, the juicy sweatpants.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- But that wasn't sexual.
Although it was creepy, like little kids would wear those.
And I was like, what parent is letting their nine-year-old
wear juicy on their ass?
No, you shouldn't let your kids wear juicy sweatpants.
- Yeah, in fact, only black women and Brazilian women
should wear that over the age of 18.
- White girls have butts now.
- Don't overdo this again, what you did last night.
- What did I do?
- Hey, ladies, if you're single, this guy's available.
I'm not available.
I'm not ready.
- I never said that.
- Yeah, you did.
- No, I didn't.
- I'm not available.
I'm not ready.
- Yes, I did.
- I know you did.
- To the whole crowd.
- You didn't call me afterwards either.
Don't hurt my feelings.
Not one person.
- No one came to you.
- I hung out, ask anybody.
I hung out till two, just to see not one person.
No one, if they go, I'm available to never.
- You know why?
'Cause they thought I was joking around, see?
They thought I was kidding.
But I wasn't kidding.
Girls, if you're listening out there,
if you come to a Bobby Lee live show,
please wait until after the show.
He will be there.
He will come talk to you.
He is interested.
He is available. - I'm not interested.
- He's very single.
- I'm not interested.
- I saw Bobby give a tour.
to two really attractive ladies.
And I asked him about it and he just jumped down my throat.
He's like, I'm just giving a tour.
- Okay, can I say something?
Let me say something, okay?
I give tours all the time to not just ladies,
to men as well.
Because people love the comedy store.
They go, this is historic.
I go, I know all the nooks and crannies.
- It sounds so creepy.
- Yeah, yeah.
- What nooks do you take them to?
- Well, I know the history of each room.
- Oh, okay. - I take them to a room
and I go, this is why this room is here.
- You take them to the old stairwell by Mitzi's office?
- Yeah.
- When the door was broken, I used to get people in there.
Like guests, when I'd have friends come from out of town,
I would sneak them up to Mitzi's office
and break into Mitzi's office.
And it's still the same.
I mean, I don't know what it is now,
but 10 years ago, it had been untouched.
- I ate a girl's vagina on the stairs.
- Is that part of the tour?
- That's not part of the tour.
- That's one of the crannies.
- Years ago, years ago, when I was like 30.
- You went down on a girl in the stairwell?
- In the upstairs stairwell.
- Was that black stair up to Mitzi's office
between the belly room, black stairs to that stair?
- They're all black.
- Yeah, exactly.
- Yeah, yeah.
- And I ate a woman's vagina.
- You made her sit down, lay down on the stairs?
- In the middle of the stairs.
I spread 'em open like this and I...
- Were you on the top of the stairs
or the bottom of the stairs?
- I go top, I go down.
So the blood, 'cause the blood flows,
you know what I mean, better from, okay, anyway.
- She slides down her head, head backwards.
While you're eating her, good for you.
- And then in the green room of the belly room,
I've gotten maybe two blowjobs.
- Maybe two?
- To completion?
- No.
- Never completed.
- I can't because there's always people there.
- Can you complete- - There's a show going on.
- Wait a minute, you would close the door,
get a Hummer and then not come in and be like,
"Oh, let's go hang out."
- Someone's coming, you know.
Someone's coming, someone's coming.
- Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
All right, Juice, well, we're not gonna call you Juice anymore
'cause I guess you've made it sexual,
so what do you want us to call you?
- Yeah.
- Um, Jetski, but you guys, another nickname could emerge.
- But Jetski is what you brought.
That was already your name.
- This is why I never speak my mind.
- Maybe because you have Bono glasses,
maybe something about Bono, like...
- Yeah.
- It doesn't have to happen right now.
- No, it does.
- No, it's gonna happen right now, okay?
It doesn't, it's gonna happen right now.
- I see those socks that you're wearing.
That's very cool.
Do you know what that is, Bobby?
- Yeah.
- What's the painting called?
- I don't know.
Oh, that's from, it's a Van Gogh painting.
No, that's not Van Gogh.
It's the Screaming Man.
- The Screaming trees?
- The Screaming trees?
- The Screaming trees?
- The Screaming.
- The Screaming.
- The Scream.
- The Scream.
- Yeah, that's it.
- Okay, just The Scream.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Those are pretty tight.
- The Scream.
- My sister got me these.
- Your sister's cool.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- That's very cool.
- I told her, what'd you say, what'd I say last night?
- Diane Keaton.
- She reminds me of her personality like Diane Keaton in Annie Hall.
- I think you said that on this show before.
- Did I?
- Didn't he say something like that?
- She has that like, kind of like, um...
- Yeah, you did, you did.
- It's like a quirkiness about her.
- You kinda, you kinda do have that.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I like that movie.
I'm sure my personality was inspired.
- Dude, I love her.
- For sure.
- I just love that movie.
- Yeah.
- You know what I mean?
You killed it last night.
- I had a good set.
- So in the middle of my set,
there was like a little of a bump.
- Yeah, you did stop for some reason.
- And I, 'cause I, you know what I thought?
- Huh?
- It's always this.
- I think Andrew did better than me.
- Oh, shut up.
- No, really, I did.
'Cause there was a level of laugh.
I'm like, that wasn't the...
- Nobody cares.
- Yeah, and then afterwards, last night, two things happened.
Number one, a guy came up to me, Bad Friends fan.
- Okay.
- And he goes, "I just have to admit,
"I think Andrew's a funnier stand-up."
- Fucking shut the fuck up, this is bullshit.
- Right to my face.
And then, another thing happened, okay?
A drunk guy goes,
"Hey, I used to watch you on MADtv.
I just never thought you were funny."
- No.
- Yeah, and you walked away.
- Bobby, no way.
- So two things.
- You tell me if I'm working, I'll kick 'em out.
- I know, thank you.
- And then three, no one came up to me and went,
I'm single and you're single.
So that was a pretty bad night for me.
- But let me tell you something.
I'm gonna change that.
And I'm saying it now to the fans.
If you come to a show,
I'm gonna keep pushing this agenda.
If you're coming to the show on...
- I don't need anyone's help.
I got it.
- I don't know.
- First of all, I'm not gonna date in a year.
I'm gonna wait a year, right?
- You could hook up with someone before you would date.
- No, I don't want you to hook up a year.
- You want to touch anyone for a year?
- No, no, no, I need alone time.
- Are you gonna figure out who I am again?
- Are you gonna be open for all kinds of people?
- What do you mean?
I feel like this is a trap.
- No.
- Yeah.
- No, I'm saying, are you open for all kinds of people?
All genders, all...
- Oh, then ask me some questions, maybe.
I will.
- Are you cool with dating all kinds of genders and...
- Genders?
- Sexual orientations.
- Okay, if they have a penis and a vagina, maybe.
- Yeah, they have to have both.
- Like a combination vibe, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- You don't want just a penis?
- No.
- Like I've said, like if there was a vagina
and there was a penis off the side,
I might do a couple of sucks.
- What if they had a penis?
- You would, just out of like...
- What if they had a penis,
but their butthole looked like a vagina?
- Oh, that's interesting.
- Right.
- But they'd still poo out of the butthole?
- That's right.
Same thing out of a vagina.
- The flavor's different though.
- Vaginas poo too, don't they?
- Unless someone has Crohn's disease.
- But let me tell you something.
Carlos thinks you're going through stages of grief,
accepting the unacceptable.
- Oh, you think I am?
You think I'm going through grief?
- It can look like avoidance, procrastination,
forgetting, easily distracted, mindless behavior.
- Yeah, I'm all those.
- Well then you've, yeah, this has been your whole life.
- No, but more so now though.
That's just step one.
Then there's anger.
- Okay, okay, there's anger.
- He's on two.
I've been sitting on two for years now.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Frustration, cynicism, sarcasm, irritability.
Holy fuck.
- I've been bargaining.
- Increased alcohol or drug use?
This is like my, this should be my dating profile.
- Bargaining?
The bargaining I don't do.
- Yeah, you do.
- What's the ba