Name: Wiener Fart & The Noodle Tombstone | Ep 132 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2022-09-05T16:00:22.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Wiener Fart & The Noodle Tombstone | Ep 132 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Wiener Fart & The Noodle Tombstone | Ep 132 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-05. Transcript available.

Wiener Fart & The Noodle Tombstone | Ep 132 | Bad Friends

Hey, I got some dates coming up.
I'm filming my special in Denver, September 24th.
Also, I'm going to be in Salt Lake City, September 9 and 10.
Then I'm doing Bray on the 13th.
I'm doing Minneapolis and Madison, Wisconsin, 16, 17.
Then September 24th, I'll be in Denver filming my special at the Paramount
Theater.
Go to andrewsantino.com for those tickets.
andrewsantino.com for those tickets.
You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
Why are you got beef with Carlos?
I don't have any beef with him, dude.
Well, why do you have carnitas with him?
I don't even know what the...
Whatever it is with him, I got something with him.
Oh, I have carnitas, for sure.
Yeah, you got carnitas with him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I got moist pork with him, man.
Welcome back to the show.
Juicy Johnson.
God, I mean, I don't want to tout, but we're really helping you out, huh?
You're really...
You're just...
I don't want to tout, but...
I think you're touting.
Yeah, yeah.
Let me tout a little bit.
Tout, yeah.
He be touting.
Now, you start off with 13,000 followers on Instagram, which is pretty noble.
What are we talking right now?
43.9?
Now, she's at 43.9.
That's really good.
And let me say this.
If our fans don't get her to 100 by the end of the year, we're stopping the
show.
Yeah.
We'll quit the show.
Yeah.
It'll be good friends.
It'll be...
It'll be good friends with Rick Glassman and Eric Griffin.
And it's not...
And it won't be a good show.
It won't be a good show.
Well, they won't talk to each other the whole time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now, let me say something.
So, we got the 44 almost, right?
Yeah.
And then you're going to open for Andrew?
Yes.
We're going to be doing Salt Lake City together.
Jet Ski said yes over the phone.
September of 9 and 10.
We're doing four shows.
Two Friday, two Saturday.
Salt Lake City.
Come see me and your boo.
Woo-woo.
Jet Ski Juicy Johnson.
And what else happened?
I got a commercial agent.
Thank you.
Thanks to Bobby.
No, I didn't do it.
You know, he called me.
Yes, you did.
He called me and he told me.
He was like, I think I'm going to get her a commercial agent.
Yeah.
I was like, really?
I was like, how are you going to do that?
And he goes, I have my ways.
And then he hung up the phone like a creepy little Asian oracle.
Yeah.
But it worked.
I blew him.
Your phone?
I gave Lawrence Hart a blowjob for you to get in.
Really?
Yeah, yeah.
I was on the casting couch for you.
If you could pick any commercial to go out for right now, what campaign would
you want
to do?
Bad Friends?
No.
No, no.
A real one.
A real one.
A national?
Yeah.
What about like Verizon?
Think of Verizon.
You could be the new guy.
I wanted to do like a car commercial.
Oh, which kind of car company?
I would do like a, like it'd be sick to do like a Lamborghini or like a small
car.
Literally, I've never seen it.
But let's do the Lamborghini.
Yeah, they don't do car commercials.
But pitch me a Lamborghini.
Go ahead.
Let's see.
Well, I think the commercial, let's set up the commercial scenario.
No, no, no.
She has to set it up.
If she wants this that bad, you got to tell me what, what it is.
Okay.
I'm the valet driver.
I have experience doing that.
So I could fit the role.
And, uh, and, uh, you, you, uh, play the rich guy.
Okay.
So you toss me your keys.
What am I?
I'm not in the commercial?
You're my boss.
And so you're like, park the car.
Oh, I'm another valet driver.
You know, you treat me like shit.
Well, I'm another valet driver.
Just let's get that clear.
You run the valet.
Yeah.
You run the whole thing.
Which is me, which means I'm another valet driver.
No, you own it.
Yeah, but they always do the car parking too.
I know, but you know.
I'll be the guy.
You be the rich guy.
Fine.
I'll be the, I'll be the Mexican valet driver.
Okay.
Ready?
Yeah.
Hey, hey, it's your turn.
All right.
I got this.
All right.
Hey, uh, how you doing?
Good.
Good.
Is this, uh, is this valet for the foot spa?
Yep.
Just leave your keys in the car and, uh, he'll show you to the foot spa.
Take it.
I got it.
Thank you.
This is a Jeep.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Let's start over.
Start over.
Yeah.
I forgot.
We're acting.
Yeah.
Hey, you broke this one.
I got it, Captain.
Hey, is this the valet for Yoshinoya?
Sure is.
Sick.
Leave her close.
Got it.
Beep, beep.
And then I go, this is the commercial.
I go, hey, where are you going?
And she's just driving into the sunset with, and then Lamborghini.
Yes.
Oh, that's cool.
Yeah.
Lamborghini.
E-ni.
What's it called?
Lamborghini.
Lamborghinis.
But you have to say it in Italian.
Lamborghini.
Lamborghini.
Lamborghini.
Try to do Italian.
Lamborghini.
Lamborghini.
Yeah.
Lamborghini.
Lamborghini.
Lamborghini.
Good enough to steal.
Lamborghini.
Good enough to steal.
Good enough to steal.
To steal.
Have you ever wanted to steal a car?
That's a good commercial.
Right?
Right.
Good enough to steal.
We're all in it.
We all get a Lamborghini.
Do we all get a Lamborghini?
Yeah, fine.
It's my commercial, yeah.
Pull that mic close to your face.
I can't hear you.
I keep slipping slowly.
I did tell Bobby real quick, when I booked my first commercial, I'm taking you
guys out
to steak dinner.
Oh, seriously?
Yeah.
Yeah, but which one?
It would be my honor.
I'll have to pick it based on the commercial.
Oh, so we could be going to fucking Ruth Chris.
We could.
We're probably going to.
Ruth Chris?
Let me tell you something.
We're going to Outback Steakhouse, and that's a fact.
Yeah.
Outback.
Okay, so you know what?
I found a different maybe nickname for you.
Whoa.
Because I think you have a Diane Keaton kind of energy.
Yeah, you said that.
Yeah, so what about this?
La-Di-Da.
Oh, I love, I like that one a lot.
La-Di-Da.
Yeah, La-Di-Da.
That is so good.
Do you like it or no?
Yeah, no, I really do.
Yeah.
Look at little La-Di-Da over there.
La-Di-Da.
I like that one a lot.
It's, yeah, I'm still going to call you Juicy.
Yeah, me too.
For the record.
Yeah, yeah.
But La-Di-Da is going to exist.
Yeah.
La-Di-Da.
That's really, that's really thoughtful and cool.
Thank you.
Juicy by La-Di-Da.
La-Di-Da.
Yeah.
By Juicy.
I like that.
Have you guys ever thought of getting a fragrance?
Because I wonder what your fragrances would be.
Oh, dude, I'm working on one with H3.
Do you know that?
No, I didn't.
With Ethan Klein?
Yeah.
They have a fragrance thing?
Yeah.
They do?
Yeah.
What's yours going to smell like?
Can I tell you what it's called first?
One, two, three.
Noodles.
No?
No.
Do noodles have a smell?
Noodles smell delicious.
Are you out of your mind?
Yeah, I've never smelled a noodle, though.
I eat them.
You've never smelled noodles?
You smell them first and then eat them?
Yes, the steam that's wafting off of noodles when they're cooked is so good.
Two things I don't smell.
Rice, steamed rice, or noodles.
Yeah, no.
Because you just inhale them.
So, let me explain to you.
That's how you eat.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let me explain.
Why is the slurping such a big deal in Asia?
It's a huge deal.
It's so gross.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I hate it.
You just see it when they suck dick.
What do they do?
Oh, really?
Yeah, it's like a large slurp.
Like it's a go-gurt.
Yeah, yeah.
Slurping and belching during a meal are acceptable, as long as these are
considered tribute to the quality of the food.
Right, but the slurping is so gross.
So, if I was going to ask you to describe the smell of a noodle, please do.
Okay.
Yeah.
Ready?
I've been.
Crested sunshine laying over a tiny hill as wheat waves in the wind.
My wife, my son, my dog, and my friend walk slowly through a field.
What the fuck?
It's a Hemingway.
It's a Hemingway novel.
Yeah.
No, what the fuck does it smell?
I don't get enough.
That's what it smells like in my fucking head.
No, if you were going to describe a smell.
An alien race comes down.
Beep-bop.
What do noodles smell like?
Asian fingers.
There you go.
And that's to the point.
Well, there you go.
The cologne is called bird flu.
Oh, my God.
No, it is.
So, it comes in a blue bird bottle, but the bird's dead.
So, it's got X's on his eyes, right?
And the smell is going to be lychee fruit and some woodsy smell, like an oak.
Oh, I like that.
Like a woodsy, lychee kind of fruit.
Okay.
Yeah.
I can't wait to smell it.
It's going to be great.
I don't know.
Yeah, what's your cologne?
What would mine be called?
Yeah, and what would it smell like?
My cologne would be called cirrhosis, and it would smell like whiskey.
What does a bottle look like?
Huh?
I'm at fucking Sephora, and I go to the lady, oh, where's your cirrhosis?
Oh, which?
You want the summer or the winter edition?
I want the summer edition of cirrhosis.
Cirrhosis comes in a little tombstone.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And when you open the tombstone up, it has my smell in there.
Whoa.
And it's whiskey and the smell of skin rotting to a chair.
Oh, that's pretty good.
Nice, right?
Pretty good.
What's your cologne?
Perfume.
Perfume.
Probably like open wound.
Ooh.
I would buy open wound.
What does it smell like?
What does the bottle look like for us?
It looks like a glass box of tampons.
Very cool.
Pretty good.
Very good.
Yeah.
Classy.
Yeah.
And it smells like roses.
Yeah.
And menstrual blood.
Oh, yum, yum, yum, yum.
Love.
It's so funny to look over at the boys at Pete and Carlos, and they both are
going, hmm.
They're nodding off.
Yeah.
That's the smell that people want to smell.
This is not pussy.
That's what pussy smells like to me.
Roses?
Roses and menstrual blood.
Like a combo.
The way that you don't smell noodles or rice, I don't smell pussy.
I can't smell anything.
You really smell nothing?
Nothing.
That's amazing.
Nothing.
What about butthole?
That I know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The distinct smell of butthole.
Well, because you know I have distorted vision, so I know where I'm at.
Once I get to the butthole, I know where I'm at.
Right.
Have you ever licked a butthole thinking it was the pussy?
Like you went too deep down?
Can I tell you something?
Yeah.
No.
Insane.
Yeah, I am.
You have.
Yeah, because I close my eyes.
But you know which one's on top.
I don't know where directionally I am.
Are you guys able to move them?
Like our-
Your butthole and your pussy, can you switch them?
I can't.
What a trick they could play on us.
Yeah, like can the butthole kind of go to the taint a little bit?
Yeah, can it move?
Yeah.
Can you shift it up?
There is like a runway.
There's a runway.
I'm trying to do it right now.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
The runway is like Hong Kong.
It's got to land between the buildings.
It's a tiny little runway between the butthole and the pussy.
But can you just squeeze tight and-
What if you got surgery to make them right on top of each other?
What do you mean?
If they cut out the taint and made it even closer.
I wouldn't want that.
No, you know how funny?
It's just-
No, that's still-
You wouldn't like to do that?
Number one.
What is that?
Yeah, I would hate to be your roommate.
Fuck-a-mole.
It's like whack-a-mole.
Is he popping popcorn?
It's movie night.
Yeah, no.
I wouldn't want that.
You wouldn't want it?
It's just two smells, you know what I mean?
Too close together.
It would create a singular smell.
Imagine if they blended and they blended well, much like bird flu.
What if the smell of lychee and the woods is similar to butthole and vagina?
But we tested the smell already.
This is a real clinical thing.
We're doing it.
But why call it bird flu?
I just think it's funny.
You know what I mean?
It's going to sell.
It might smell.
You know it's going to sell.
Oh yeah, it's going to smell.
Sell.
But what I'm saying is that we don't know what the combination of smell is
going to do.
So I'd rather get the smell, smell it first and then get the operation.
You don't want to get the operation before you know what it smells like.
I think put the cart before the horse.
I think we figured, I think you put the fucking operation into play and hope
that thing smells good.
And if it doesn't, what happe