Name: Bobby’s Ideal Woman NY Edition ft. Ali Macofsky | Ep 134 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2022-09-19T16:00:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby’s Ideal Woman NY Edition ft. Ali Macofsky | Ep 134 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby’s Ideal Woman NY Edition ft. Ali Macofsky | Ep 134 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-19. Transcript available.

Bobby’s Ideal Woman NY Edition ft. Ali Macofsky | Ep 134 | Bad Friends

Hey, Bad Friends, I'm shooting my special. I'm shooting my stand-up special
this weekend, this Saturday in Denver, Colorado.
Denver, Colorado, come on out. My last two shows I'm doing on this tour, and
then we're not touring for a long time
until Bobo and I go do Bad Friends Live sometime next year.
So this Saturday, September 24th, I'm doing two shows, 7 and 9.30.
AndrewSantino.com is where you get the tickets.
Denver, come out and see me shoot my special. AndrewSantino.com.
You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
Why do people have to understand your temperament?
Because they have to know who I am to know who I am.
We're in New York.
I know, I know.
We're in New York.
New York, baby.
Your New York impression is so bad.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
New York, baby.
Hey, how you doing?
Hey, baby, in the rain.
Hey, baby, how you doing?
Walking in the rain.
I drew a little accent in it.
Go ahead.
Hey, baby, how you doing?
Hey, baby, how you doing?
Yeah, yeah.
It's got like a Puerto Rican vibe, no?
Hey, guys, we're in New York City.
We're in New York.
New York.
We're in New York.
Teach me how to talk.
Nobody, there's a bunch of different times.
New York.
New York.
New York.
No, give me like three sentences in a row and I'm going to try to.
All right, this is my best New York accent.
And Wolf can, give me a thumbs up if it's good.
Okay, this is my best New York accent.
Ready?
Yeah.
Oh!
Oh!
That's how they do us when they go, California, dude.
Yeah, dude.
Everyone sounds like that, dude.
New York sounds like us.
Yeah, I don't like it here.
Unless they're, oh, you don't like New York?
I don't like it.
Why have, we've been having so much fun.
No, I have fun with you.
But what, you don't like the city?
It's just like, you know, you go down to the lobby of the hotel and everyone's
working.
They're on laptops, they're doing things.
Yeah, they're busy.
What are they doing?
Jobs.
What jobs?
This is what it's like to live in L.A.
Nobody works.
I love it.
Nobody works.
I love lazy.
But everyone at a coffee shop is doing like a fucking screenplay that's never
going to get made.
At least out here, they're doing business.
Real jobs.
Are they?
Or are they on YouTube?
Most of them are on YouTube.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But half of their job might be YouTube based.
Another thing is, is that like, this is, I've never seen this before in my life.
You'll see like a 12-year-old kid.
Yeah.
Alone.
Yes, wandering the streets.
Wandering the streets.
Or working.
Or they're working, yeah.
But they're in a prep school outfit.
Yep.
Right?
And they're just going to school in the big city.
Yeah.
Don't they get captured?
All the time.
And they don't care?
The parents don't care?
Well, you just got to make a new kid.
That's right.
You can.
You have more nut juice to make.
And there's so many.
There's more nut juice here in New York than any city in the United States.
I didn't know.
Is that a stat?
Yep.
You can Google it.
There's more nut juice in New York than there is in any state in the United
States.
Really?
Yep.
I got a lot of nut juice, man.
You're not as big as New York.
I know, I know.
Have you ever gotten your nut juice tested?
What do you mean?
In terms of how many?
Four.
Your semen count?
Four.
Four.
At a time.
Can I tell you I just got mine?
How many?
How many?
98.6 million.
At one time?
One load.
98.6 million sperm.
Oh, I should get mine tested.
You got to see who's got stronger jizz.
Oh, you think you have stronger?
I think I have more swimmers for sure.
Well, mine are wading.
Oh, yours are wading.
Mine are swimming.
Not wading.
Wading.
Yeah, wading.
Wading in the water.
W-A-D.
Wading in the water.
They're just kind of floating.
Yeah, they're relaxing.
They're bobbing in the jizz.
They're bobbing.
Yeah, they're bobbing in the jizz.
Yours is like working.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
My jizz is so anxious to get in there.
You know, mine are jerking up making more jizz.
Your jizz are jerking up.
My jizz jerks off and makes more jizz.
That makes sense.
And then those wade.
I want to get you tested to see how many you have,
because I bet you probably have a ton.
I probably have a lot.
You know, I've gotten women pregnant before.
How many times?
Twice.
Two times?
Yeah.
And they were both carried to term?
No.
You have two kids?
Well, in heaven they'll be up there.
Are they whites?
They're Kalilahs.
Oh, they're both Kalilahs.
Yeah, yeah.
That's cute.
So I'm going to go up to heaven when I die.
And see little Kalilahs.
And the things a lot, Dad.
That's my biggest fear, because they're souls, right?
Yeah, but that's if you believe in that.
Some people believe in that.
I think there are certain religions that believe that you see your unborn child
after death.
Or what if you see just two sperm up there?
Yeah, they don't talk.
And they're just like mad, but they don't say anything.
We didn't get to develop.
Little angry sperm?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maybe you do see them in the afternoon.
Do you think mine have little Chinese eyes like this?
Well, that's why they're bumping into everything.
They can't see where they're going.
Do you think your sperm has red hair?
Bright, bright red hair.
That's how it gets through the tunnel.
Just...
Yeah.
It can see better through the tunnel.
They look like Flamin' Hot Cheetos.
Yes.
Yeah, yeah.
But if you miniaturize it.
That's why when I come, I go...
Oh, it burns?
It hurts when it comes out.
Does your cum burn?
Every time it comes out.
Because you have red hair?
Oh, yeah.
Wow.
If I didn't have red hair, it wouldn't burn so much.
When you were a kid and you saw the red hair, were you bummed?
Sad.
Yeah, I'm bummed for you.
Yeah, me too.
It's just a weird color, right?
Yeah.
Wolf.
Like, you have beautiful black hair.
It's cool.
Relevant, right?
Don't try.
Don't try this thing that you're doing.
No, he likes me.
No, don't try that thing that you're doing.
No, we have job.
You have beautiful black hair.
You know, we do.
We have a good thing going, right?
Just doing that thing.
No, look at him.
He loves it.
Is he doing the thing?
No, he loves it, dude.
Beautiful black hair.
You're like a white girl from the suburbs.
I love your black hair.
What you people do with your hair...
Wolf, is that what you're feeling?
What you people do with your hair is so fun.
Yeah.
I love your black hair.
Don't put me in that box.
That is you.
I did that, yeah.
Karina.
You're an Asian Karen.
You're Karina.
I love your black hair.
You think there are Karinas?
Karinas.
Yeah.
I bet you there's got to be a Karen, an Asian Karen.
I've never seen it.
What's a...
What's...
Because Karen is the hacky white woman name.
What's a hacky...
What are you doing in the park with the skateboard?
Huh?
You know, this is Piper Papadie.
Some kid with a skate...
Asian kid with a skateboard.
What do you...
What do you mean?
You know what I mean?
No, she only does it to white kids.
White kids that are skating in the park.
Yeah.
Get out of here.
Yeah, yeah.
Why are you grinding?
Yeah.
You're gonna...
Yeah.
This is Piper Papadie.
She knows the lingo.
Right.
She's like, I saw your tray flip.
It was bad.
You tray flip in.
I saw that.
Brunt slide.
You know tray flips?
Brunt slide.
Brunt slide.
Yeah.
Flip it over to a dark side.
Yeah, do a dark side.
Do a dark slide.
If you're really skilled.
Yeah, you're skilled.
Bullshit.
Get out of here.
That's not 360 flip.
The hot flip.
Yeah, hot flip.
Hot flip, huh?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What's the most common...
What's a shitty Asian woman name?
Then that's the Karen for Asians.
Because Karen is the annoying white woman name.
Yeah, I don't really know a lot of Asian ladies' names.
What's the most common Korean female name?
Well, you know, you see a lot of Graces.
Yeah, Grace.
But that sounds nice.
Yeah.
Because Karen has a bite to it.
Karen.
The K is heavy.
That's only because of Goodfellas.
Oh, Karen!
Yeah, yeah.
He fucked it up for Karen.
You think Ray Liotta did that?
Yeah, Liotta did that.
Karen!
Woody, why would you do that, Karen?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was scared.
Yeah.
She dumped all the coke in the...
Before that, Karen was cool.
It was a hot, cool name.
It's like Hitler.
Adolf.
He fucked it up.
There's always one thing that fucks it up.
What did he do?
Dude, Adolf, I don't remember.
But Adolf was cool before he did that.
The name Adolf.
Dude, everybody had Adolf.
And now you can't do it.
Now you can't do it.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Who's here?
Nobody?
Oh.
Another person with beautiful black hair.
Go ahead and say it to them and see what they say.
So many beautiful black-haired people here.
People here, man.
See?
That's why you love New York.
In New York and Harlem.
Beautiful black hair.
Guys, literally never been to Harlem one time.
I've never been to Harlem.
Has no idea where it is.
What part...
Where is it?
How do you get to Harlem from here?
Subway.
Yeah, but which...
In your face.
Which direction?
Can you get to the sub...
Can you get to Harlem with the subway?
Sure, of course.
You can get anywhere.
In your fucking face.
What direction?
South.
South of here?
North.
South of here?
You go north.
That's right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But like where?
North.
North where?
Northeast.
Northeast?
Yeah.
Okay.
And then west.
Is it past the park or below the park?
There's so many parks.
Central Park is the park.
Yeah, north.
It's north of the park.
Yeah.
Okay.
Is it not?
It is.
End of fucking game.
You did it.
End of fucking game.
Where's Queens?
Oh, this is...
West?
No.
It's east.
Well, it's northeast of here.
We're downtown.
We're downtown.
We're almost...
Because I don't know where I am.
Oh, we're downtown.
We're downtown.
Oh, then it's fucking east.
Well, it's up and east.
Yeah, up and east.
Yeah.
Up and east.
I didn't know where my location was.
So, yeah.
It's cool, man.
I like going over there.
You do love New York.
We've been having so much fun the whole time we've been here.
Yesterday, we went to Staten Island, and we went and did Chrissy Chaos' podcast,
and he took us for good pizza.
Really good pizza.
And then it's like, the people that work there are so New York-y.
But that was the first New York, like, really New York-y kids I saw.
Staten Island kids.
Yeah, they were like, you know, um...
We met a cool chick who said her boyfriend was a big fan.
You're feeling indifferent.
What do you mean?
Like, they don't care about you at all?
They're just cooler.
They're cooler than you.
They're above it or whatever.
Well, you didn't like it.
He doesn't like not getting recognized.
When we walk through the streets...
That's so stupid.
Bobby doesn't like getting not recognized.
That's not fucking true, man.
What did you say to me yesterday?
Why lie on the show?
You said to me, you go, you know, people...
I never said that.
That's ridiculous.
You say, people notice me more in Brooklyn than they do in Manhattan.
Did you say that to me, yes or no?
Yeah, as a factual thing.
Well, what was it rooted in?
You like being recognized.
It was rooted in happiness.
Dude, why do you do this?
Why do you do this?
You like being recognized.
No, I don't.
Yes, you fucking do.
You love it.
That's why you walk slow behind me when we walk the streets together.
You walk slow behind me, like, ten paces, because you want to be recognized.
No, can I say something?
And you don't want to be recognized together.
Oh, you want to get real then?
Go ahead.
All right.
When we're walking up here, right, some kid, right, goes, you're Andrew Santino?
You go, yeah.
And he goes, can you help with cancer?
Kids with cancer.
Kids with cancer.
And you go, fuck off.
Fuck off.
And you walked off.
Because I don't...
Kids with cancer?
But that's who you are.
Adults with cancer?
I might think about it.
I was signing the paperwork.
But kids...
I was giving him my email.
Yeah, I gave him 40 bucks.
Bobby's mad because I said, I'm sorry, we have to keep going.
He goes, can you have a second?
You know those people that are like, do you have a second for kids with cancer?
