Name: Asian Brad Pitt & The No Nut October | Ep 136 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2022-10-03T16:00:19.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Asian Brad Pitt & The No Nut October | Ep 136 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-10-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Asian Brad Pitt & The No Nut October | Ep 136 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-10-03. Transcript available.

Asian Brad Pitt & The No Nut October | Ep 136 | Bad Friends

What is up, bad friends? I'm so excited to announce that I'm going to be doing
New Year's Eve shows in Boston.
Boston, Massachusetts at the Wilbur Theater.
We're doing it on the 30th and the 31st, so if you have plans on either of
those nights,
you get one night off to come see your boy at the Wilbur Theater on the 30th
and the 31st in Boston, Massachusetts.
I'm so excited to be bringing in the new year in Boston.
And tickets are going on sale this week.
They'll be on sale on Thursday, pre-sale.
Code will be Cheeto, and then everybody else will get them on Friday, open to
the public, but get them early.
They'll sell out.
So andrewsantino.com is where you're going to get those tickets to see me in
Boston for New Year's Eve and New Year's Eve, Eve.
andrewsantino.com, andrewsantino.com.
You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
I've been watching that show, C. I can't watch it anymore.
I hate it.
You know what C is?
Yeah, it's awesome.
You see the whole thing?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Who came back to the show?
Bum, bum, bum.
It's my little Rudy girl.
Rudy girl.
Rudy girl.
She hit her head.
Or did she get hit?
Rudy girl.
Was it domestic abuse?
Bum, bum.
Do you want to tell us something about your boyfriend hurting you physically
and not talking about it?
He hit you in the head and we're taking him to court.
Yeah.
By the way, two court things going on.
You know why Carlos isn't here?
Why?
Because he's afraid.
He's scared.
He's scared.
He ran scared.
Why are you going so fast right now?
He ran scared.
You're doing great.
You know why?
Why?
Because he knows he's going to court for the Kalilah case.
Yeah.
Oh, shit.
Yeah, I'm pressing charges as well.
I know.
He made love to her mouth.
He made love to her mouth.
Do you know about this?
No.
You know Carlos, the Mexican?
The Mexican that's here?
Tongue kiss her.
He tongue kissed Kalilah.
When?
Oh, my.
You know what?
She's playing dumb, isn't she?
You're dumb.
I don't know anything.
You're playing dumb.
Oh, you liar, dude.
I don't know anything.
She's his lawyer.
And in his mind, he was eating her pastrami.
Like it's a fucking deli.
It's a Jewish deli.
All the beef.
Do you have proof?
Oh, yeah, it's on tape, bitch.
I can read energy, dude.
Can't you read energy?
Big time.
And yours is bullshit.
Your energy right now is bullshit.
You know what, dude?
You're in the court case.
Your fucking boyfriend beat you.
Yeah.
Put you in the hospital.
Why do you Filipinos take so much abuse?
He Chris Browned her.
Is it because of Manny Pacquiao?
No.
And it wasn't my boyfriend.
Who was it?
Who was it?
It was someone else.
Name him.
No.
Oh, so it was her boyfriend.
It's either nobody or your boyfriend.
Sounds like it was her boyfriend.
But I have a concussion.
Yeah, you do.
Kid, let's find out if you have a concussion.
All right?
This is the protocol.
Okay.
What year is it?
2022.
You're fine.
That's it?
No.
I have more questions.
Oh, there is?
Yeah.
What is it?
What happens?
Who's the vice president of the United States?
President Kamala Harris.
Very good.
You said president.
Oh, yeah, she did.
Vice president.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, you know what that means?
She knows something we don't know.
We don't know.
Is she really running the country?
Whoa.
Creepy.
Yeah.
Rudy, what's going on?
We haven't seen you in so long.
Nothing.
Glad to be back.
So good you're back.
Just nothing, dude.
Can I just say something?
Did you come with anything?
No, she did.
I have something to bring up.
What?
You got emotional over some of the attacks you got from that clip.
Oh, yeah.
I had to delete Instagram.
Wait, what happened?
The clips that fucking, was it you?
Who?
What happened?
Yeah, there was a clip of her not knowing about black culture,
and she got ripped apart online.
What do you mean?
I don't even understand what the clip was.
Was it, she was saying something about,
oh, were you talking about how much you don't like black people?
That clip?
No!
No!
No, no, not that.
Wait, what was the clip?
She said something, she was like.
She was just trying to,
remember, she was doing stuff with her hand.
I forgot what it was, but like.
Right.
And then I asked if, like, you date, like, a black guy.
Do you have to know, like, some of that?
Well, you don't want to get attacked again,
so ease into it.
Fancy brought a bunch of college students to the show today.
Brought them to my show to go see me do an hour in Brea.
They saw it?
Not all of them.
Oh, yeah, all of them.
What am I saying?
All of them came.
Yeah, they all came.
Do you guys like it?
Lies.
They hated it.
They didn't like it at all.
Two of them fell asleep.
Were they on the list?
No, fancy bought tickets like an asshole.
I told you.
How did you do that, dude?
No, I was pissed off.
Yo, yo, yo.
Let me just say something to you.
I know.
Get him.
You know, we rip on each other on the show, right?
Right.
We tease each other,
but you have to understand that we're a part of a family, right?
There's no difference between you and any of my cousins, for instance.
A little different, but yeah, I know what you're saying.
Yeah, I probably love you more than my cousins.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you don't like your cousins.
Right?
And I would do pretty much anything for you, right?
So if you paid for a ticket, it's just weird.
Okay.
Right?
So from now on, you just go,
hey, I need this many for this show.
All right.
Promise?
Look at how uncomfortable he is right now.
He's so uncomfortable, man.
Dude, in the Philippines, are you going to be like this, bro?
No.
Yes.
Yes.
No, dude, we're going to bond in the Philippines, bro.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
I'm excited.
You guys are sleeping in the same bed, in the same room, right?
You're sharing a room.
Are we staying in the same hotel or no?
Yes.
Okay, good.
Get a room with two beds.
Get a room with two beds.
There's no way.
Come on.
He's a clean guy.
He's not going to be like-
Want to share a room?
Share a room.
Thank you.
Why?
Why?
That's offending me.
The budget is-
I've seen your room before.
Whoa.
Whoa.
What?
It's like riddled with cum?
What are you talking about?
Sometimes.
Yeah.
Well, do you remember Mexico?
Yeah, I was high and-
Yeah, he's using drugs.
I'm going to bring up another uncomfortable thing.
Why?
This is great.
Why?
Why can't we?
We're here.
No, I said yes.
You know what?
Sometimes we need a clean house.
That's right.
And sometimes we need to say what's on our minds and what's really going on.
I know what this is going to-
I know what you're coming to right now.
You believe-
The Jews-
Oh.
The Jews have taken over.
Okay, I didn't know where you were going.
I had my own thing and I thought we were going to be on the same page.
Weed?
What happened?
What weed?
You?
No, Jews.
Your replacement.
Oh, jet ski.
I thought weed.
Yeah.
Oh my God.
This is all over the place.
What were you going to say?
That's what I was going to say.
Jesus Christ.
I feel like you're upset that you think that jet ski has-
Yes.
Well, let's talk about it.
There's some threat.
You're threatened by it.
I'm not.
Yeah, because you haven't been on in a while.
You think, am I getting weeded out?
Be honest.
Let's fucking talk about it.
Okay, I'll be honest.
I kind of like it.
You do?
You kind of like what?
That Juicy's here.
Yeah, yeah.
You like it when she's here and you're not here or when you're here together?
When she's here and I'm not here.
All right.
Okay.
Hey, man.
I don't think that's how you feel.
Number two, who do you like more?
Doc or Juicy?
I haven't seen Doc in a while.
You'll never see him again.
I miss Doc.
You may never see him again.
I miss him a lot.
I like both.
But I only met jet ski twice.
Uh-huh.
And Doc.
This is a really good save because I know-
And Doc I've seen for a while.
What she's doing right now?
Yeah.
I can tell it's bullshit.
It's bullshit.
I can tell.
It's not.
I promise.
Did you not cry in front of your mom on Zoom?
Because of the racist thing.
But also you think you're being weeded out.
No.
So are you saying the racist thing made you upset and sad?
And by the way, I'm sorry for that.
I hope I'm mad at the people that did that.
She's not racist, by the way.
Well.
Like, watch.
Trivia.
Okay.
Who's Rosa Parks?
The one that had to go to the-
The one?
The one.
Oh, that's not a good look.
EO?
The girl that had to go to the back of the bus, but she didn't go.
Uh-huh.
And so, yeah.
Booker T. Washington.
I don't know her.
Yeah.
That's not a woman.
Yeah.
It's not a woman.
Shit.
I don't know her.
You know, you've met women named Booker?
Maybe she thought I said Hooker T. Washington.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I thought you said Hooker.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's totally fair.
And that's also somehow even more racist.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But Rudy is not racist.
This show is a fucking comedy show.
It is.
So what are we talking about?
Rudy, you know-
Malcolm X.
Yeah, you know Malcolm X.
Yeah.
What did he do?
He's the one that's the same with I Have a Dream.
We'll be right back.
Close!
Yeah, no, yeah.
The same one.
You didn't name the guy.
What's the other guy's name?
I am the-
What's-
I'm blanking!
I know.
This isn't fair.
This isn't fair.
How do you blank on Martin Luther King?
Junior.
Junior.
My bad.
See, you messed that up.
Are you racist?
I didn't finish my sentence, by the way.
I didn't let you.
You're right.
You didn't let me finish.
I gotta tell you, you're not racist, Rudy.
Well, you are to white people.
Yeah.
I'm proud of that.
That's fine.
Okay, there you go.
And that's who you're attacking?
Was attacking you or was it black people attacking you?
It's always whites.
It's always whites online doing all the damage.
You know it.
I know it.
We all know it.
Pete!
Dude, when we leave here, Pete spends four or five hours online talking mad
shit.
Oh, yeah.
Don't you, Pete?
Yeah, all the time.
See?
Also, Pete, on my spare time, I look at the January 6th footage and I try to
see if you're
there.
You know what, though?
Yeah.
Him and I, we got out before any of those cameras.
I know.
I think I saw your back.
I was wearing a mask, so.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
A Pelosi mask.
A Pelosi mask.
That was you?
Bring this up.
This is how you know.
Start, type it.
Find out who founded Yelp.
Who found out?
I gotta tell you, you know it's a white person.
This is a complaining website.
Let me see.
It was a woman.
Yelp was founded by Russell Simmons and Jeremy Stoppelman.
Who's Russell Simmons?
Not Russell Simmons.
Wait, not Russell Simmons.
Wait, what?
Really?
No.
No fucking way did that guy found, not Russell Simmons.
Click on that Russell Simmons.
Oh, my God.
Businessman.
It's gonna show.
There he is.
Go back, go back.
Businessman as well, dude.
Go back, go back, go back.
How about the white Russell Simmons?
Put that white.
White Russell Simmons.
There he is right there.
That's not the same guy.
Yeah, that's Russell Simmons.
That's Russell Simmons.
Right.
So what did we find out again?
Whites.
Change your name?
Yeah.
Look at that.
Change your name.
That's Russell Simmons.
You gotta change your name, dude.
Mm-hmm.
Right?
Yeah, we already have a Russell Simmons.
If my parents' last name was Pitt and they'd call me Brad, as soon as I can, I'm
Alexander
or whatever, you know what I mean?
But it would be cool to be the Asian Brad Pitt.
Oh, that's different.
If I'm Asian, that's one thing.
Yeah, because that's cool.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, the Asian Brad Pitt's the shit.
If I looked like me, it wouldn't be.
Yeah.
Fright Crub.
What?
You're great in Fright Crub.
Sebon.
Sebon.
Sebon.
Sebon.
By the way, spelled S-E-B-O-N, Sebon.
It's so sick.
I'm Broadway.
I was in Sebon, Bright Crub.
I was in-
12 Monkeys?
Bullet Train-o.
Oh, love Bullet Train.
It's a new one.
By the way, that should have been an Asian Brad Pitt.
That should have been an Asian Brad Pitt in Bullet Train.
Of all people that deserve to be in that, would be Asian Brad Pitt.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why is regular Brad Pitt on Bullet Train?
Yeah.
Everyone around him is Asian.
Yeah, what t