Name: The Producers' Biggest Mistake | Ep 138 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2022-10-17T16:17:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Producers' Biggest Mistake | Ep 138 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-10-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Producers' Biggest Mistake | Ep 138 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-10-17. Transcript available.

The Producers' Biggest Mistake | Ep 138 | Bad Friends

Hey, bad friends, I am going to be performing on New Year's Eve and New Year's
Eve Eve,
the 30th and the 31st at the Wilbur Theater in Boston, Massachusetts.
Boston, come on out and see me.
If you're in the area, come see me.
If you've got plans on New Year's Eve, come out New Year's Eve Eve, 30th and 31st,
andrewsantino.com to get the tickets.
Boston, I can't wait to celebrate New Year's Eve and Eve Eve with you, andrewsantino.com.
Hey, you guys.
Obviously, we have merch.
We got merch.
It's back.
And these shirts have sold out, and we made some more.
We made some more shirts for you guys.
We restocked these favorite shirts.
This is me and Bobby close talking.
We've talked about this before.
That's me and Bobby just talking real close.
This is us as coffee mugs.
That's us as the mugs, baby.
You guys liked them.
We sold out.
We made a couple of more for you guys.
So you just go to badfriendsmerch.com, or look down in the description below.
We'll have the link to the shirts.
So go pick up some new merch at badfriendsmerch.com.
You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
All rise.
Okay.
The Bad Friends Court is now in session.
Honorable Judge Bobby Lee and Honorable Judge Andrew Santino presiding.
Please be seated.
Be seated.
I thought I...
Be seated.
I'm not Judge Ito?
Judge Lee.
Judge Lee Ito.
Judge Lee Ito.
And he's Andrew George Washington?
Andrew George Washington.
Please be seated.
Interesting.
Interesting.
I'm just getting the care.
Interesting.
Very good to be here.
Welcome to this court case.
I'm very...
I'm very excited and I'm going to do my due diligence and my oath to my...
the office and I am going to really speculate and analyze and I'm going to
contemplate all
the ideas and the weight of it all.
Really good to be here.
I'm Judge Ito.
What is your name?
Judge...
George Washington.
I have wooden teeth.
That's all I know.
I don't know how...
I don't know what he does, what he sounds like.
Keep going.
Wonderful to be here.
Judging and presiding amongst this case.
Let's bring the defendant...
What is Ellen DeGeneres doing here?
Whoa, I didn't know we're doing voices.
She's the attorney.
For the man on trial, Carlos Herrera.
Please approach.
Interesting.
Very good.
Is that a bomb?
Yeah, a bulletproof vest in case somebody decides to rat-a-tat-a-tat him.
Are you the Unabomber?
What the fuck is going on here?
May I see the paperwork?
I have no idea.
Put your hands on the Bible.
Do you solemnly swear to tell the whole truth, all of the truth and nothing but
the truth?
So help you God?
I do.
Are you Catholic?
Yes.
God bless.
Are you sure you're Catholic?
Yes, I'm Catholic.
From your hairline, it looks...
Jewish?
I didn't say that.
Okay.
Did I say that?
Yeah.
The hairline seams.
Do you have anything to say for yourself prior to starting?
Any words for the judges?
Mm-hmm.
Just that you guys take empathy on me and go lightly on me.
Death penalty.
Next!
We're in California.
Thank you.
We're in California.
I think you're going to have to see...
I don't think you can do death penalty.
This lawyer is good.
Thank you.
This lawyer is good.
This lawyer is good.
She is good.
The education.
Scottsdale Community College.
DeVry.
Calamar College.
That's SEC right there.
Yeah, SEC right there.
Fighting artichokes.
Amazing.
Oh, okay.
We got this.
Mr. Generous.
Mr. Generous.
Yes.
Your client is accused of mouthfucking Bobby's ex.
How do you plead?
Oh, that's the trial.
Okay.
How do you plead?
Not guilty.
Well, interesting because we have...
Footage.
Footage.
Video proof.
Okay.
Of your dewy lips.
May I say that?
It doesn't seem...
Can the court define mouthfucking?
Your greasy dewy lips.
Can you handle dewy lips for me?
Can I handle it?
Yeah, I mean...
I mean, I'm okay.
We're paying you.
I'm not saying it, but I can handle hearing it.
What is your defense?
My defense is if...
I think the case is that Carlos is guilty and messing around with Kalilah, but...
Wait, are you...
I thought you were my lawyer.
Am I high?
He is a lawyer?
Am I high right now?
No.
Excuse me.
Are you...
Are you the prosecutor or the defense attorney?
I'm defending my client and saying he's not guilty in that he can mouthfuck
whoever he wants.
Oh.
Oh, interesting.
Oh, I like that.
Oh, like...
I like that.
That's the case.
Like James Bond, but for mouthfucking.
He has a license to kill, but license to mouthfuck.
Yeah.
Interesting.
007 minutes in heaven.
May I see that certificate?
My certificate for mouthfucking.
Well, he has a license to mouthfuck anybody, correct?
Yeah.
Mr. DeGeneres?
That's the case.
Mr. DeGeneres, please show us the documentation.
May I see the license?
I would like to get that license today in court.
Well, you...
Excuse me.
We've registered.
We've registered.
She's filing for a license.
I'm filing for a license.
Interesting.
File denied.
Denied.
Objection.
Because, you know, it's been a year that he has been...
You know what I mean?
You knew this court date was going to happen in a year, and today's the day you
file?
I found out about this an hour ago.
Wonderful.
Wow.
What an attorney.
What an attorney.
When did you graduate?
2008.
Oh, high school or college?
I'm sorry.
I'm under...
Elementary school.
I love you.
What's in the briefcase?
What is in your case?
Oh, she's bringing out the good stuff.
Some documents should help her now.
Let's see.
And my briefcase is nothing like the basis of this case.
Empty.
Hollow.
Order!
This is a waste of my client's time.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Wow.
Interesting.
So that's your opening statement.
And that Carlos should be able to mouth fuck whoever he wants.
So, no, we have here, like, evidence against the accused.
Do we have a prosecutor, though?
Yeah.
Who is that?
We are the prosecutor.
So, we brought Carlos into the Bad Friends family.
Wait a second.
We couldn't find an American client.
I have no idea why we did it this way.
Why do we have a...
It's bad.
It's really bad.
But look, we'll deport him when this is over.
I know, but there's an actual American that's the other prosecutor may hit.
Can he be the one...
Does he even know American laws?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Order!
Order!
Order!
You fucking greasy.
I will control my client.
I apologize.
Thank you.
Thank you.
The problem with the other guy is he doesn't speak English well.
It's bad.
Listen.
The fat one?
Listen to what he says.
Go ahead.
Listen to him for a second.
I don't do English good.
See?
Oh, I see.
It's just tough to listen to.
It's difficult.
Go on, fancy boy.
Well, I'm very disappointed on Carlos because we brought him into the Bad
Friends family and
he stole Bobby's girlfriend from him and that's the reason they broke up and we
have hard
evidence that that's the case and I want to present exhibit A to the court
right now.
We'd love to see it.
And this is started a year ago.
This is November 16th, 2021.
Screen's not on, so I don't know if we're going to show it, but...
Man, this prosecution is slacking real bad.
It's that the prosecution is the team behind this podcast.
Whoa.
I really, I believe that.
The TV was off.
Nothing's on.
Maybe the funniest thing I've ever seen.
All right, here we go.
Oh, here we go.
Okay, let's see the evidence that you've brought into the court.
Jesus.
So just based on, well, I don't know, I'm not familiar with this podcast, but
we have
to the left of there, it seems like a foreigner.
In the white, it seems like an OnlyFans.
Correct.
Performer?
Correct.
Is that a little girl?
A child on the phone?
No, to the left is a little girl.
Yeah, a child.
A child.
The middle one is a...
OnlyFans.
OnlyFans.
And then we have a foreigner on top of, what's that on the ground?
That's not me.
Quick to jump.
Well, prosecutor, who's the person on his back?
So Kalila is on top of Carlos.
And then...
How do we know that's Carlos?
I mean, honestly, I really wouldn't be able to identify...
How do we have proof that that's Carlos?
Well, let me go to Exhibit V then.
I'd like to motion to throw that out of court.
Thank you.
Well, it's thrown out now.
Admissible.
Because we have no idea.
Admissible.
We really fucked up with this.
They might lose.
We might lose.
Well, a month later...
Oh, here we go.
Oh, no.
This happened in Hawaii.
December 21st, 2021.
Got it.
What's happening here?
It seems as if there's a fan taking a picture with Kalila.
That's Carlos.
You know what?
I do identify the...
I know the hat is deceiving.
But if you look at that little...
You know that little strap at the hat?
Got it.
And above that region?
Yeah.
Literally no hair.
I see that now.
Yeah.
That's incredible.
So is that you, Mr. Herrera?
I'll have my lawyer answer for me.
We're not...
You're not cross-examining my witness right now.
We're not cross-examining.
We're just asking you as a lawyer.
Okay.
I was asking if you were cross-examining.
Just making sure.
First of all, we're the judge.
We can fucking do anything we want.
Yes, your honors.
I'm all of this.
All due respect, you may ask.
Mr. Generous.
Okay.
Thank you.
Mr. Generous.
Mr. Herrera.
Yes.
Is that you in this photo?
I don't recall the year after COVID.
If that's 2021, we'll have...
I need a doctor to come explain...
Based on the photograph that you see, is that you?
Yes.
Okay.
Very good.
By the way, you could have still stuck with Don't Recall.
You bailed.
Excuse me.
Sorry, but he bailed.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So that is you, sir.
And that woman to your right is whom?
To my right?
That's a camera to my right.
No, I don't like the attitude.
The attitude is...
We'll take a second.
Also, what he doesn't realize is...
It's my right in the picture.
In the picture.
And your right in the...
Physically, your right.
Who is on your physical right there?
That looks like a Hawaiian girl.
That looks like Santa Claus.
Well, I know I'm the judge and I'm impartial, but that is Kalilah.
Because I dated her for 10 years.
Oh.
Yeah.
I thought that was Santa.
That's not Santa Claus.
Okay.
What does Kalilah Claus seem to be doing with her left hand?
I believe she is helping that guy in the green shirt pull up his pants.
You.
Pull up his pants?
Yeah.
She's just doing it from a different angle than usual.
Well, it's interesting because the pants obviously look like they're already on.
They're already on.
I would like to say that we can't see if there's a belt on or not.
Order.
Order.
I've been a judge for 47 years.
Never in my life have I've seen such erroneous miscommunication of
misinformation.
This woman is cupping your penis.
Yes or no, sir?
No, sir.
I respect the court.
I'm not trying to get...
Order!
It's a yes or no answer.
No.
Objection, your honor.
Go ahead, Ellen.
I would like to say that it is clear that my client here has, as he said, had
suffered
some memory damage due to COVID, and it's very clear that she is touching him
in this
picture.
He doesn't even seem to be aware.
If we maybe saw a little bit after this photo and how he reacted, it seems like
he has suffered
some sexual assault abuse and suffered memory damage.
Thank you.
I mean, I can accept that argument.
I got to be honest.
They're doing a really good job.
Great job.
And look at it, right?
He doesn't see it.
When she touches...
No, because that's right there on impact.
Yeah, on impact.
Right?
So we don't know the reaction after that.
Correct.
He could have been like, whoa!
Right.
Exactly.
Also, this is peak COVID times.
We've got to fucking get rid of this prosecution.
You guys are doing a really bad job.
Yeah, terrible evidence.
As far as right now goes, he's innocent.
He's innocent at this point.
At this point, I've seen nothing.
Nothing.
Okay, I'll bring Exhibit C.
Exhibit C.
Okay, well, that's definitely not our...
It's not Carlos at all.
That's not the gentleman at all.
That's definitely not the gentleman.
That guy has got a full head of hair.
That guy has a full head of hair.
That's one of the Beatles.
That is George Harrison.
That's George Harrison.
And that's Yoko.
Correct.
Yeah, so if John Lennon is h