Name: Missionary Missionaries | Ep 144 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2022-11-28T17:00:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Missionary Missionaries | Ep 144 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Missionary Missionaries | Ep 144 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-11-28. Transcript available.

Missionary Missionaries | Ep 144 | Bad Friends

On the heels of me playing Boston on New Year's Eve, which is part of the plug
for the tea party,
we want to do a scene from one of my favorite Boston movies, The Departed.
You accused me once, I put out with it. You accused me twice, I quit.
If you make me feel for my life, I put a bullet in your head as if you were
anybody else.
You got something you want to say to me, William?
You're 70 years old.
One of these guys is going to pop you.
As for running drugs, what the f***?
You don't even need the pain in the ass, and they're going to catch you.
You don't even need the money.
I haven't needed the money since I took Archie's milk money in the third grade.
Tell the truth, I don't need f***y anymore, but I still like it.
Point I'm making you see, I got this rat.
Gnawing, cheese-eating f***ing rat.
Questions come up.
Questions, see Bill, you're the new guy and the girlfriend.
Why don't you stay in the bar when I get numbers?
Your numbers, everybody's numbers.
Is that something you want to ask me, Frank?
Start with, you agree there is a rat?
You said there is one.
I base most of what I do on the idea that you're pretty f***ing good at what
you do.
Sure, sure, yeah, all that aside.
But you, Bill, what would you do?
How many of these guys have been with you long enough to be disgruntled?
Who needs more money than you pay them?
You pay them much, you know?
It's almost futile f***ing enterprise.
No, I don't do the money.
Thank you.
The question is, who thinks they would do what you'd do better than you do?
Only one that can do what I do is me.
You want to be me?
I probably could be you.
I know that much.
But I don't want to be you.
Heavy lies the crown sort of thing.
Francis, we're out of here, Mr. Costello.
You'll have to set the alarm.
You've definitely never seen this movie.
Stop, stop.
We'll give her the line again.
I wasn't prepared.
Let's do that over.
We'll give her the line again, all right.
Yeah.
So start with heavy lies.
You say Francis.
No, no, she's got to take a tail bolt because I want to be able to see her f***ing
range.
Oh, the transition.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Heavy lies the crown sort of thing.
So Mr. French, make him a French accent, probably.
Bartender, make him like Jamaican or whatever, you know.
Sure, and the bartender, yeah, you pick.
Yeah, you pick.
Good?
Okay.
Okay.
Heavy lies the crown sort of thing.
Francis, we're out of here, man.
Mr. Costello, you'll have to set the alarm.
Thank you, Jimmy.
See you tomorrow.
There's a boat coming in up in Gloucester and Gloucester.
French will give you all the details.
Hey, bad friends.
I'm going to be in Boston on New Year's Eve and New Year's Eve Eve, right, guys?
Woo!
You!
Yay!
Everybody buy tickets to come see me on New Year's Eve and New Year's Eve Eve,
please.
It's the final two shows of the year before Bob and I go on tour next year in
March with
Juicy and the Bad Friends crew.
This is my last show.
Go to andrewsantino.com.
andrewsantino.com.
You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
During their slaughter.
Well, that was from...
Were they slaughtered with this on?
Whoa.
According to Emma's saying, I can't wear this because they were slaughtered in
this.
All right.
Here's the deal.
And they took the land and then...
Do they use this on the casinos?
Yes.
Yeah.
Oh, this is...
That's authentic.
That's from a casino.
Which one?
Pechanga.
Pechanga.
Pechanga is my favorite one.
I played that one.
Yeah, you sure there's a Pechanga?
No, it's from Morongo.
Oh, Morongo is a better one.
I'm sorry.
Well, that's over there in Santa...
Santa Monica.
Yeah, Santa Monica.
All right, I'll wear this one.
But this right here, there's no way.
It's okay.
I get it.
I get it.
Here's the deal.
Why are we doing the Boston Tea Party?
I don't know much about it.
Do you not know anything about the Boston...
It's coming up.
Well, they lied.
Who lied?
The English.
Whoa.
About the tea.
What did they do about the tea?
Actually, time out.
Yeah, yeah.
I literally don't know.
Don't bring anything up.
You can bring up photos.
No information.
I want you to give your...
I don't know anything about that part of our history.
I want you to try.
Can I put the vest on real quick?
Yeah.
While you're putting your vest on,
Juicy, I want you to tell me
what your version of the Boston Tea Party is.
Okay, I'm going to actually try.
What I think I've learned is
the Bostons,
they took over a ship.
The Bostons?
Yeah, the Bostons.
Okay, the Bostons.
No, no, let me throw it in.
Throw my aunt to a sense.
Well, could she finish hers before you...
No, because I think I know one fact about it.
I don't want her to say it first.
Okay, go ahead.
It has something to do with taxes.
Ah, no.
Taxation.
No taxation.
Without...
Tea.
Without tea?
No, the tea.
You don't tea the tax.
You can't tax a tea.
You don't tea a tax?
You don't tea a tax.
You don't tea a tax on this line.
Yeah, on this line.
But I got to tell you,
can you tax tea these days?
I don't think you can.
Tea is not taxed.
You can't tax the tea.
You can't tax the goddamn tea.
And the Bostons did that.
The Bostonians did that.
People from Boston, yeah.
That's interesting.
What's your...
Go finish.
You can't tax the tea.
No taxation without representation.
That's the real one.
Yeah.
Wait, no taxation without representation?
Yeah.
What the fuck does that mean?
It's like how you can't get a role.
Like, I mean, you get a role.
You have to have representation.
I mean, the opposite.
You guys have already pissed him off.
It's already starting real bad today.
I didn't mean it like that.
You guys have already pissed him off.
This guy's already fucking fucked me up.
Light him up.
Light him up.
Yeah.
Fuck you, man.
Why?
Because I called you?
Dude, first of all,
it was three minutes late.
Andrew told me to call you.
I had already fucking texted him
that I was going to be fucking late.
That rubs me the wrong way.
Then it's Andrew's fault
for not seeing the text.
No, it's not.
Fuck you.
You know what you did, dude.
All right?
And you know what?
I'm on Annie Letterman's side.
That's insane.
You're right.
That's insane.
Annie Letterman attacking you.
That's insane.
You, I understand now her griff.
Okay.
And her fucking,
being on Annie's side
is bad for your career.
It's bad for everyone's career.
Anyway.
So let me say this.
What?
I never,
I never told him to call you.
I already know that.
I, I, in fact,
two minutes in.
He said,
should I call Bobby?
And I said,
do not call Bobby.
Do not call Bobby.
Two minutes in.
And he goes,
and you know what he said to me?
He goes,
I produced the show, bud.
Sit down.
Don't even get me started.
That's what he said.
He said,
sit down and get in costume.
This guy is a lazy one.
What do you mean I'm lazy?
Yeah, this guy's one of the,
you don't even show up
to some of the fucking shoots.
Because someone else is here for me.
No.
He's also,
he's also,
he is not lazy.
He's sick and he's here.
He has COVID.
You have COVID right now?
Yeah.
One of the new ones.
This is my last day of COVID.
Well,
what the fuck are you doing here, man?
Well,
it's the last day.
Get Pete.
Yeah,
it's the last day.
You just said I was lazy
and I'm here with COVID.
He wanted to prove he's not lazy.
Also,
Pete's the one that gave him COVID.
Oh, really?
Yeah,
he gave it to all of us.
Go back to the history.
You have it.
Go back to the history.
What?
Tell me about the Boston Tea Party
as much as you know.
They were tired of the taxing,
so they went
and they took all the tea
and they were like,
fuck you,
and they pushed it off the boat
and all the tea went into the water.
It's probably the dopest version
I've ever heard.
They were tired of the taxing,
so they took the tea.
I know there was tea
and taxing a boat.
I just don't know the arrangement.
Do you want me to tell you
what happened?
I'd love to hear it.
So.
But let me say this.
Please.
I'm very susceptible to your lies.
Come on.
And your exaggerations.
Come on.
So I don't want to be,
because I'm going to take your information
and then 20 years later
I'm going to be in a fucking party
with Lex Friedman
and some other fucking intellectuals
and I'm going to go,
well, I know about that
and I'm going to repeat this story.
Okay.
All right, go ahead.
All right,
so here's what really happened.
People from Boston.
Well, let me write it down.
Give me a pen.
He can write it down.
No, I need it.
You need it.
Yeah, yeah.
Give me a pen and a paper.
Please.
Okay.
Andre's YouTube show.
He has fucking COVID.
I guess you'll give it to me.
Is this washed?
Good.
Dude, I don't like the way
you fucking set it down, dude.
Oh, my God.
Set it down right, dude.
Oh, my God.
All right, set it down right, dude.
With an apology.
Let's see.
Throw that back.
Sir.
I knew he was going to do it.
I knew it.
Are you being real right now, dude?
Are you being real?
I can't believe it.
I can't fucking believe it.
Let's see how he does it this time.
Let's see how he does it this time.
I wrote sorry on it.
Oh.
All right.
You can't fucking help yourself, can you?
Let me tell you something.
No, no, no.
That's it.
That's it.
We're done.
That was fucking disrespectful, dude.
You're copying Annie.
What?
You're copying Annie.
Yeah, but it's your behavior, dude.
All right, do it.
See, I'll talk.
Do it.
I'll talk.
Wait, wait, wait.
Before you fucking do it, dude,
I'm telling you right now, dude,
you're on the line.
And it's going to destroy our fucking friendship.
Dude, you're hurting his feelings.
All right, so I'm going to say this.
You're hurting his feelings.
Go ahead.
You're on the line,
and you're going to destroy our friendship
because if you don't do it gentle,
I'm going to present you forever.
You're emotional right now.
I know.
I'm emotional because I really think
our friendship's on the line.
Oh, no.
I drew a heart.
No, but put it down nice.
Put it down nice.
Very nice.
There it is.
No, that's not nice, dude.
I put it there.
I drew a heart.
I know, but that's not nice.
I drew a heart.
Oh, our friendship's over.
That's not.
Get out here.
Our friendship's over.
Wow.
That was, you couldn't have done that nice?
Wow.
I drew a heart.
No, no, it doesn't matter.
You put it down.
Okay.
Carlos is Boston.
You're the T right now.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
And he threw you into the fucking river.
I wrote sorry and drew a heart on it.
He did.
Anyway, tell me about the Bostons.
Okay, so here's what happened.
What year?
This all takes place in 1964.
I feel like, already it feels, I feel like, honestly, no, honestly, I feel like
it's not
that.
Wait, really?
Yeah, yeah.
No, blah, blah, blah.
1864.
Okay, that's better.
1864.
Still feel like, that's a little, that's a little.
It was a time of kings and queens and poppers and princes.
Kings and queens and poppers and princes.
Everybody owned a little person.
Poppers and princes.
You could still own an LP.
Legally, you could own an LP.
LP.
So, the LP business was a booming.
Is that records?
Higher than it's ever been.
I think at one point.
Records.
At one point, like 6.4.
But in 1864, what did they have, like, Chopin on vinyl and Bach on vinyl?
Or what, they didn't have jazz back then, did they?
Sure, they did.
Sure, they did.
It had a lot of jazz.
What jazz?
Herbie Hancock.
Herbie Hancock.
Who, who, ironically, yep.
Herbie Hancock.
Who, ironically, played the commencement ceremony at the Boston Tea Party.
On synth.
On synth.
On synth.
Yeah.
But let me just say something.
I don't think they had synths in the 1800s.
Yes, they did.
I swear to God.
It was invented in 1642.
No, I'm not.
Look it up.
When was the synth invented?
I can show you right now.
Herbie invented, or I think he invented the synth.
He was one of the co-inventors.
The synthesizer was invented.
It says it right there.
What, oh, synth invented, 1865.
Oh, wait, this is right there.
Even though that's in the search, you put that down.
No, it's not.
Yeah, that's a trick, dude.
Okay, dude, how do you search Google?
Go ahe