Name: The Elf On Our Shelf | Ep 147 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2022-12-19T17:00:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Elf On Our Shelf | Ep 147 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-12-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Elf On Our Shelf | Ep 147 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-12-19. Transcript available.

The Elf On Our Shelf | Ep 147 | Bad Friends

Two, one, Happy New Year!
Thanks for coming out.
Thanks for coming out.
Hey, Bad Friends, did you like seeing me kiss that sweet little Asian girl on
New Year's Eve?
Well, if you want to celebrate New Year's Eve and New Year's Eve Eve with me,
either of those dates, I'm doing four shows, two nights at the Wilbur Theater
in Boston.
Go to andrewsantino.com for those tickets.
andrewsantino.com, Boston, show up, show out, New Year's Eve and New Year's Eve
Eve.
Also, not officially a part of the Bad Friends tour, but Bobby and I are going
to be in Vancouver for Just for Laughs on February 16th.
Then we're going to be in Spokane for Bad Friends on the 17th, and Seattle,
Washington for Bad Friends on the 18th.
Those links are going to be in the description down below to buy those tickets
to come see the Bad Friends beginning of the official tour that starts a month
later.
You two are bad friends.
You're these two idiots.
A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
Oh, you two are something.
We're bad friends.
Here comes some crow, here comes some crow, here comes some crow, here comes
some crow, here comes some crow, here comes some crow, here comes some crow,
here comes some crow, here comes some crow, here comes some crow, here comes
some crow, here comes some crow, here comes some crow, here comes some crow,
here comes some crow, here comes some crow, here comes some crow, no sleigh rickshaw.
And we also have dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay.
Is it dreidel for you?
When you're dry and ready, I just found out I'm gay.
There it is.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Boys and girls.
Boys and girls.
Have you been good this year?
I don't know.
But you get one anyway.
Well, Asian Santa.
Hello.
We've brought someone from your workshop.
It's Brad William.
No, no, no, no.
Let me introduce it.
All right.
Let me introduce it.
Go ahead.
Every year, you know, I get elves all the time.
Sometimes when they don't do a job good, I kill them.
Oh, you kill the elves that do a bad job.
I drown them in ice water.
There's a lake by the, you know.
Why ice water?
It was an icy lake.
Oh, an icy lake.
I get it.
It was an icy lake.
Yeah.
You know how you fish?
You dig a hole?
I do.
Ice fish.
Yeah.
I put an elf in there.
Oh, you put one of your helpers inside.
Yeah.
They go, stop, stop.
If I don't like, you know.
Right.
I go, die, die, whatever.
Right, right.
But this one right here, he's been with me for 89 years.
One of the good ones.
He is so fast.
Very good.
In my mind, I thought he Asian.
Oh, you thought he was Asian.
Oh, he's not.
Why?
Why would you think he's Asian?
Because he works so hard.
Not because of his height?
No, no, no.
Oh, yeah, that too.
Because he's similar to him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Asian height.
That too, that too.
Anyway, my favorite elf in the workshop is Brad Williams.
Brad Williams.
Oh, he's scared of Santa.
Yeah, fuck you.
You don't get ice water.
Hey, sit down.
Yeah, right there.
Can I see it?
Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
So here's, I guess, Asian Santa.
Can I speak?
Yeah, yeah, it's okay.
I guess this is Asian Santa's favorite helper.
I don't want, yeah.
And how do you feel about Asian Santa?
Do you get along with him?
Oh, his dick is so big.
It's so big.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
And he's such a vigorous lover and such a generous leader.
And can I say, I'll tell you what we eat.
He's being facetious, by the way.
Do you know what that means, Asian Santa?
I don't know.
Facetious.
I know Confucius.
Confucius say facetious.
Is it Confucius?
Yeah, Confucius say facetious.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know that one.
He's, facetiousness means he's, he's, he's, when he talks about your big penis
on the, he's
kidding.
And what do I feed you at Christmas Eve?
Oh, the best, the best food, the best food.
Reindeer sashimi.
Wow.
Reindeer sashimi.
The underbelly of reindeer.
Fatty, fatty reindeer.
The fatty tissue.
Very tender.
So tender.
Very tender.
Is it Reindeer Toro?
Yeah, but not Rudolph, because, you know, he's the lead.
You know, I can't see without him.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
He's got the red nose.
How do you see in the night so well?
The root of my eyes.
As you're dashing through the snow.
Because of my eyes?
Well, what?
You know, let me tell yourself.
You know, there's more than one Santa.
I only do Asia.
Oh, you're just for Asia.
Yeah, you know that, right?
No.
I can't go to Caribbean.
Imagine me coming down Caribbean, they freak out.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
But, you know, Shanghai.
What do they leave you?
Oh, they leave me dumplings.
I know almond cookie.
I love the almond cookie.
Pork bao.
Pork bao is good.
Yeah, yeah, pork bao is good.
So, have you ever been to the United States and delivered gifts?
No, never, never.
One time, you know, Santa called me, the real Santa.
The real Santa.
Yeah, you know.
Yeah, the guy.
That's what we all, because the African Santa and I.
Oh, you get along.
Oh, the African Santa, yeah.
So, you commiserate with other minority Santas.
Let me say, African Santa, let me tell you about African Santa.
Tell me.
He only has to do three houses.
You know why?
Why?
They're all bad kids.
Really?
That's African Santa right there.
Yeah, there's African Santa there.
See, he only has to do three houses.
Now, do you visit the Philippines?
Where is that?
Oh.
No.
No.
No, because it's like, I'll tell you why.
Tell me.
You know, I'm on the mainland.
Correct.
Asia, right?
Yeah.
And at five in the morning, you know, my last house is probably, you know,
Vietnam somewhere.
You know, Saigon or something, you know.
Right.
And I'm tired, you know, they don't get much anyway, you know.
So.
Yeah, yeah.
And then it's like, I go, do I go to home?
North Pole?
No, Saigon.
Oh, I go to East Pole.
East Pole.
Yeah, we live in East Pole.
Do you go?
Yeah.
Do you go to East Pole?
Do I go home back to East Pole?
Right.
Or do I go all the way to a little island where they don't give a fuck about
nobody?
You know, so I don't go.
Have you ever gotten Christmas presents, Rudy Jules?
From Asian Santa?
Yeah.
No.
Yeah, you're done.
No, you were bad.
Yeah.
Yeah, I remember you.
Yeah, she was giving it to her, right?
No, we're not giving it to her.
No.
I can be your helper.
I can clean.
Well, she can clean.
I mean, okay.
Is the accent, is it too much?
Yeah.
Yeah, it's a lot.
It's a lot.
Let's keep it going.
I was going to talk about how you can't go to North Korea.
No, he delivers there.
He delivers there.
Oh, I can deliver there, yeah.
Welcome, Brad Williams, to the podcast, and happy holidays.
Thank you.
I think it's now an authentic holiday episode.
Yeah, with you.
Yeah, with you.
Yeah, with you it is.
It just looks right, Matt.
Have you ever met Rudy Jules?
Have you guys met before?
No.
Not in person, but I've only slid into her DMs a couple of times.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
That's weird.
Brad.
Rudy, Jules, are there dwarves from your land?
Yeah.
Where?
Name me one.
I don't know them, but I've seen them.
Where?
Like, when I ride, like, jeepney, and they're just like, they're just like-
What's a jeepney?
Like a jeep, like where, like, you commute-
Oh, it's like a safari.
No, no, no.
There's a jeepney.
There's a dwarf safari.
No, it's like-
What?
You get a jeep.
They're just out in the tundra, you know what I mean, running around.
They go spearfishing for dwarves?
Whoa, wait, so what in the jeepney?
Okay, so when I ride that, like, outside-
All right, that's a hippie's bus from Berkeley.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's not it.
But wait a minute.
You ride around in this looking for little people?
No, no, no, no.
Do you have a net?
Sometimes.
When you find them, like, you know how when you throw a-
You have to hit a fish in water, you have to aim below it.
Mm-hmm.
Do you have to-
How low do you have to aim to hit little people that you're trying to kill on
the street?
I mean, this is insane you do this.
They have one of those scoopers, like, those carts have at the golf driving
range.
Ooh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It just rolls this up.
Oh, I see.
Yeah, it just rolls this up.
So you're just collecting little people.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's nuts.
It's a Filipino tradition.
I'm into it.
That's why I've never been there.
Do they drive the thing?
No, like, sometimes I-
Like, I usually drive that, and then sometimes I just see them, like, in the
streets, like,
sitting and then just walking around.
How do you know they're not kids?
Yeah, how do you know?
Yeah, how do you know?
I don't know.
Do you check for pubic hair?
How do you know?
Yeah, how do you know?
Is it kids?
Or maybe you're seeing, like, a thicker kid.
Because, like, Filipinos general, not that tall.
Right, exactly.
Tough to tell.
And you have a half Asian wife.
I do.
Well, no, your wife is Asian.
You have a half Asian baby.
Yes.
I think your wife is not full Asian.
She's half Chinese, so we have a quarter Chinese baby.
But your wife's half Chinese and half what?
We don't know.
Oh, wow.
The mystery.
Yeah.
That's like Bobby.
We don't know.
Yeah.
So your baby is what now?
Home.
I know, but she's a quarter Chinese.
Quarter Chinese.
And then 50% white?
Probably.
50% white?
Probably more than that.
No, it's the 25% of the dwarf park.
He's native.
Oh, it is?
Oh, my God.
I'm from America.
We don't have our own land.
That's right.
He's native.
Oh, my God.
I mean, we have our own park in China, but that's a whole nother story.
What's that?
Oh, thank you.
Gave bread and apple pie.
There we go.
Oh, that's cool.
That's cool.
Now I could, you know.
Do you feel better that way or not?
Yeah, it puts my back in alignment.
It's great.
Well, because those seats are so...
The fact that we got these seats for them is so mean for our guests.
Yeah.
Because they're not good for anybody.
That's true.
But are they fun to look at?
They're fun to look at.
You better believe it.
Can I just say something?
You're probably so hard to follow on stand-up.
Oh, I thought you meant like in the street.
That's easy.
Small steps.
It's easy.
No, I can duck behind things.
It's very hard to follow.
Well, you know what?
You're hard to find, not to follow.
Yes, yes.
I got you once I got you.
Yeah.
Yeah, I kind of stand out.
But before that?
Sneaky.
Oh, they're sneaky people.
So, wait a minute.
You're saying...
I'm feeling I'm being canceled.
No, not sneaky people, but he's sneaky.
Why are you being canceled?
Well, I don't want to like, you know, anyway.
Joke about one of our friends.
It's all right.
It takes a long time for a dwarf to write a letter.
You're fine.
A small hand.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
A small hand.
I didn't know.
Have you ever seen him on his computer?
Oh.
Oh, right, right.
I got to run over, jump on the A, run over, jump on the L.
Oh, right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's a whole ordeal.
We don't like to write letters.
The moment he makes a mistake, he's like, ah, delete is so far away.
So far away.
And it's a bigger key.
I got to get another friend to hop on it with me.
Right.
I'm not that heavy.
Just get the assistant, maybe.
What do you mean, Brad Tardifala?
He's a great comic.
Is that what you're saying?
Is that what you're trying to say?
Very good stand-up.
He's a great comic.
Thank you, Bobby.
And you have a residency in Vegas.
Is that what it is?
I had one, yeah.
What happened to it?
My contract ran up.
Give me the show up the show.
What's it called again?
It's called Mad Apple.
I was in Mad Apple, the Cirque du Soleil show in Las Vegas.
I helped watch it.
Yeah.
It was a blast.
I went on after the guys that juggle each other with their feet.
Wow.
Look at that thing.
Yeah.
And you did that, how many shows a week?
10.
10 shows a week.
10 a week.
Yeah.
Oh my God.
Two shows a night.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, Thursday, Friday?
We had Wednesday, Thursday off.
That was our weekends.
Wow.
It was a blast.
I did it for, like I said, like four months and it was wonderful.
I liked being in a Cirque du Soleil show.
I worked 10 minutes each show.
Amazing.
It was great.
And you didn't want to do another run or no?
The answer to every question is always money.
Yeah.
