Name: The Diamond Brothers | Ep 149 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2023-01-16T17:00:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Diamond Brothers | Ep 149 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Diamond Brothers | Ep 149 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-16. Transcript available.

The Diamond Brothers | Ep 149 | Bad Friends

Hey, bad friends. My special cheeseburger is out right now on Netflix. Please
watch it. Please
share it. Tell people double thumbs up like it and tell everyone you know to
watch cheeseburger
on netflix right now. You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? A
white dude and an
Asian dude. You two are disgusting. Well, you two are something. We're bad
friends.
Got a heart of glass. Yeah, yeah. Oh, that song? Yeah. Well, that's Blondie. I
stole. Yeah,
I stole. I had. I stole. I shouldn't say that. I took two bags filled of
clothes. It was so
cool. And guess what Jessie did? Juicy. What? She stole her shoes from Herman
Munster.
Where do you get those? Lift up your feet. Let me see your shoes. What the fuck?
Oh,
those are tight. Those are tight. Who makes those? Do you like them? No. Oh, I
thought Bobby
complimented me. Would you wear those? What? Would you wear those? These aren't
for Andrew.
You would never wear those. Orthopedics? Yeah. They're good for my back. Yeah.
They're
very... Juice, what are you doing with these big old stilts? I want to be
taller. No,
they look tight. I'm not going to lie. That's what's hip for the kids. Yeah.
These are cool.
Wait, wait. That's what's hip for the kids? 100%. That is absolutely a hip shoe
for the kids. Type
in hip shoes for kids. I will say I had red laces on them. And then last night
at the store,
people told me to take them off because I guess that's what the Nazis are doing.
Yeah.
Yeah. You knew that? Yeah. Well, they love the color red. Yeah. And black. Yes,
we do. Yeah,
yeah. Wow. Wait, what? No, do hip shoes for Gen Z. You're Gen Z, aren't you? I'm
a millennial,
but thank you. Are you really? I thought you were Gen Z. 32. Oh, you're just
made it. Right? Is
that what it is? Or no, you're the... Oh, there they are. Wow. Wow. Bottega Venera.
That's how
much mine would do. Those are $1,500? Yeah. Oh, wow. Wow. I've been saving up
all my money for them.
Amazing. Well, let's give a lot of... Let's give love where love is due. What?
I got to tell you
something, man. I love you. You've been... I love you. And I want to say
something. You were a little
hostile the other night, but let's move on from it. Can I talk about it? A
little hostile,
but let's move on from it. No, because can I talk about it? It's going to enrage
me,
and I'm in a good mood. No, you're not listening to me. Please, go ahead. Can
you let me finish? It's an apology?
I'm saying I am... I told you I'm sorry that night because I didn't like an
interaction,
and I love you. And I even sat on the stairs. I said, I don't want something
like that to get
between us. And look at me in the face. It never will again. Really? Yeah,
because I was pissed off,
not at you. But it came at me. Well, you know why I was mad and you agreed that
it was not okay.
What happened? I didn't do anything. No, no. Oh, so the interaction that you
had before me was not okay,
which I agree with. Yeah. But you brought that hostility into my life. Look at
me. I apologize.
I love you very much. Say I love you. One, two, three. I love you. I love you
so much. I apologize.
I was bummed. You were bummed. And Bobby didn't deserve any of this.
Well, I saw him walking down the hallway and I can just tell he has like that
Northman thing.
He brings his shoulders in and he's just like walking directly toward me, right?
Now I look for axes.
When they have, you know, when they walk like that, I look for the axes and the
knives. Yeah,
that. I look for all that shit, right? So does he have that? No, it's probably
in the car,
in my head, right? It is. And he comes up to me. He goes, "Hey, you!"
Like, you know, like a Viking. Like a Viking. Yeah, yeah. Japanese Viking?
Oh, that's my Viking. "Hey, you!" No, "Hey, you!" Is that pirate? Kind of.
Yeah, I don't know. Kind of pirate-y. Yeah. "Hey, you!" "Hey, you!" "Hey, you!"
That's good.
Yeah. And you just, how come you, like something about like phone calls. I
haven't
made any phone calls for people. I love when you make phone calls. Yeah, I know.
That's what it is. I need you to make phone calls. No, because you're trying to
get me to
call people. No, I know what it was. Yeah. I know exactly what it was. Doesn't
matter. No,
I want it. Can I just bring it up? Yeah, fine. All right. How come your agent?
You're about my
agents. Yeah. Right. And it was about like, what do I have to do with my agents?
I say,
pick up the fucking phone and tell them to say yes to the goddamn tour. I
understand that.
We're trying to go on tour. It's eight o'clock at night, though. We're trying
to go on tour!
See, there it is. Send them an email. Anyway, I accept your apology and that's
that.
I love you. God bless. I love you too. And can I say something? What?
Two things. One, thanks to the fans locally in LA, sold out the shows for the
bad friends,
uh, uh, two nights and all the money's going to the, um, door humans. What? Can
I just say
something? Yeah. You want to keep some of the money? No. Can one of the doormen
not get any money?
Yeah. You know what's so funny? Yeah. Me? No, not you. No, no. Yeah, she doesn't
get any money. No,
I want her to get the money. Well, we did the math because we were talking
about what if there's one
door guy that doesn't do a good job. We're like, what if he doesn't get the
money? And we did the
math and it's like an extra $22 for each of us. Nice. So it's kind of not worth-
That's how much
you're making? No, if you, we divided it into- Oh, I see.
There's 26 of us. There's 26 door people. Right. So it's kind of not worth just
like
stabbing him in the back to split. Lockwood.
You know why? Why? He deserves it. He's so funny. He did something last week
and he's doubling down
and I just have to sit, get this up like this. He's so fucking funny. Yeah.
Whatever he did,
I'm going to laugh. Go ahead. Go ahead. Oh God, you're arranging. You're doing
the Northman thing
again. I'm not Northmaning at all. Yeah. You're not doing the shoulder, but I
can tell the- Shoulders
are down. All right, good. What'd he do? So you know how the main room front
door,
after the show starts is completely closed? Yeah. Right. So then what we have
to do is we have to
go all the way around the building. It's not that big of a deal. Yeah. Forget
it. You know, I don't-
What? Because you already sided with him. You don't even know what the fuck it
is yet. No,
I sided with you. Yeah. Yeah. I was just saying yes. I have something in my
throat. I know.
His house still- I'm good. Okay. So anyway, um, so I'm in the patio. I'm like-
You're gonna make me go all the way
around. That's not the point. You're gonna make me go all the
way around. You're gonna make me go- All the way around. All the way around. Oh
no.
You're gonna make me go all the way around. Okay. So he made you go all the way
around because the door was closed.
So what? The door was closed. He made you go all the way around. No, that's not
what happened. What happened? I'm in the patio. I'm like, I gotta get in the
main room because I left my jacket in the main room, green room. You've done
that so many times. Every show. It's unbelievable.
Unbelievable. So I go, let me just check the front door, right? So I go out in
the front door. I'm
I'm about to approach it, right? I'm kind of where the opening where the patio
was. I'm coming around the corner.
Yeah. I see Lockwood walk
I walk out of the main room front door. He looks at me, smiles and shuts the
door.
That's awesome. Shout out to Matt Lockwood. And I go, bro, you look, you saw me,
you couldn't hold the door. And he's like, hey, my man. Policy dog. Right. And
so I had to go all the way around.
Why don't you keep a couple of jackets in the main room, green room, because
you've left so many? Why don't you just act like a secondary closet?
What do you mean? I still have to go back to get the jacket. No, but I'm saying
leave a couple of jackets there. If I leave the jackets, all the jackets will
be there. I have to go all the way around. Oh, you know what I mean? I don't
want to go all the way around.
Make it your jacket closet. Or what about this? How about not close the front
door? I like that. Yeah, that makes more sense. It doesn't make any sense
because what if people come to the show late? They got to do the knock, right?
They do, but that's their message. That's the store's message saying, don't be
late. Show already started. Anyway, so can we not give him money? That sounds
good. Because last night I gave him shit about it and he goes, I don't give a
fuck, dog. He does not. He does not. He does not care. And so now I'm believing
that he wants to start some sort of war with me. He does. Okay. That being said,
I need to win. Let's call him up. Yeah, call him.
Let's see what this fucking guy's got to say. I told him you really like to be
like complimented and stuff. Who, me? Yeah. I don't need that. What the fuck
are you talking about? Delete that. Yeah, you do. Leave that in. You're a
little bastard. Hey, you're on Bad Friends. Bobby's out here saying that he
thinks you're trying to start a war with him because you closed the door on him
from the front and you made him go all the way around to the back.
Yeah, motherfucker could use some exercise. Whoa! Motherfucker could use some
exercise. Listen, I'm not trying to start a war dog, but you know, if he wants
to come at me, he's going to come at somebody who's going to fight back.
What do you got to say, buddy? The war's on. The war is on. The war. All right,
let's go. Let's go. All right. He's not afraid of you. I know you're not
because I'm small and you're a big guy. I get it. Oh, so you're saying he's a...
You think in high school, in high school, you were able to do that to little
Asian guys in high school?
I know you did that, but my point is that... This is a different world, all
right? And I'm a big boy now. All right. You want to start a war? I'll start a
war.
You started it. You closed the door on me! I'm going to finish it, bro. I'm not
starting it. No, did you not? Okay, let me ask you this, Matt. Did you close
the door on me?
Yeah, I slammed it. I slammed it shut. There we go. So that's the war. You
started the war. That's first blood.
All right. Okay.
Hey, Santino. Yeah, bud. You got my back, yeah? I love you, Doug.
All right. Always. Appreciate you. Bye. All right. He's the best. All right, so...
I got to tell you something. You're going to back him? Well, here's the deal.
No.
He's like 6'6". He's big. He's a big, big boy. He's fat, though. And he's got
nothing to lose.
I've seen 600-pound life. He's not... They're tall as well, but they can't move.
I got to tell you. Right. He's a big boy. I know he's a big boy.
But he looks like he might have some... Here's what I'm going to say to you.
Whoa. Run. Just run. I don't... No.
I think you should run. Bro, I don't need your help in the war.
Because the kind of war that I... The kind of war I'm going to fight is not
physical.
What kind of war do you do? Korea.
Korean? What do you say? Korean. Oh.
Korean war? Korean war part two.
We already won that one, didn't we? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, you were on our side. What are you talking about? Wait, I'm a Korean?
No, America was on the Korean side during the Korean War. It was North Korea
versus South Korea in the war.
I was rooting for North.
I know you were. I wanted them to win so bad.
There was one red-headed guy. It was your family on the other side. I know.
Yo, how funny would that be an image of, like, panning over seeing all these
Koreans and then just one red-headed guy with a gun?
What is he doing in that crew?
Two. Two things. First of all, we do like the shoes. Second of all, the teddy
bear shirt, fire.
Fire. You like it?
I love it. You like it?
Pretty good. I like your style.
I love that you guys are complimenting me.
Well, because you're the best, Juice. We love you. It's the holidays. I'm
feeling good.
Happy Hanukkah. Merry Christmas. Happy Kwanzaa.
When does this come out? After that?
January. It's alre