Name: The Old Man in the Pool | Ep 152 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2023-02-06T17:00:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Old Man in the Pool | Ep 152 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Old Man in the Pool | Ep 152 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-06. Transcript available.

The Old Man in the Pool | Ep 152 | Bad Friends

You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
I bought a tape.
All day, every...
I bought a tape.
I bought a jeep.
You bought a tape?
I bought a jeep.
I don't even get the bit.
No, no.
It's terrible.
I bought a jeep.
I bought a jeep.
I bought a jeep.
Can we talk about your attire or what's going on?
My retire?
Your attire.
My attire.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What about it?
I mean, it's...
It's not good.
What's not good about it?
It just looks...
Slick.
He looks like it.
It doesn't even look slick.
He just looks like a guy, like a homeless guy found a bunch of new clothes and
just put
them on or whatever.
Okay.
All right.
What is wrong?
Do you really think you're going to call me homeless guy?
What are you so angry about?
You're wearing a got ran over by a dump truck beanie and a pre-worn Guns N' Roses
band
shirt.
You don't even like Guns N' Roses.
Na-na-na-na-na-me?
Oh, yeah, you do.
Right?
Na-na-na-na-na-me?
That's because it sounds Asian.
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-me?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Gun.
They stole that from the Chinese, I think.
Na-na-na-na-na-na-me?
Yeah.
That means, get over here.
Dinner's ready.
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-me?
No.
When that part happens in China, they play it.
Fifty women come out of nowhere and go, what, what, what, what you want?
What you want?
What, what?
I saw where you should play con-ro-ro-ro.
What?
I don't even know how to say it.
Anyway.
Juicy got those red socks on today.
I wanted to match with Bobby.
Hey-oh, yeah.
Excited to be here.
Thanks for everybody viewed my special cheeseburger on Netflix.
Bobby is going to watch it at some point.
I love it.
We'll never see it.
You'll never, ever watch it.
I'll watch fries.
Your third one.
It's going to be great.
When fries come out, dude, I'm going to love it.
Well, what's second?
Shake?
Yeah.
Shake is actually kind of a good name.
That's a pretty good one.
Shake and then fries.
Yeah.
You know, there's actually meaning to it, the cheeseburger part.
No, no, I understand.
No, because people have been saying it's good.
It's all right.
It's doing pretty good.
In fact, I was at my manager's house and our son saw it, Kobe, and he goes,
dude, it's
really good.
It is.
And he saw other people's podcast.
He goes, I don't like the other ones.
We're friends.
I don't want to name names.
But he goes, I listened to yours and he goes, you're a smart guy.
Thanks.
Yeah, yeah.
That's fun.
Excited.
Excited to be here tonight.
We're excited.
Tour is getting locked in.
I made that up.
What's that?
That whole thing of the manager.
The compliment.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I couldn't.
I'm sorry.
But you know, other people have said it.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Na-na-na-na-ni.
Yeah.
Okay, good.
Yeah.
Because that always gives you a smile when I do it.
Yeah.
We're not going to use any of this stuff.
Yeah, it's good.
At the end.
Na-na-na-na-ni.
Yeah, na-na-na-ni at the end.
So go ahead.
No, I want you to go.
Your energy is good.
Did you find your wallet?
I just pokey.
Yeah, I found my wallet.
I think that's what it was.
I felt really good about finding my wallet, man.
You lost your wallet in the CVS.
It's the worst.
You know, losing your wallet is worse than losing your phone.
Double time for me.
My wallet is my phone.
All right.
So I'm fucked.
Yeah, don't lose that then.
No, I know.
Yeah, your life is over.
But don't you think that the wallet's worse than the phone?
Because the phone you can go buy, and then you can iCloud everything back,
right?
Right.
But with the wallet, man, it's like the credit cards, the ID, all that shit you
got.
What else?
I have a couple of checks in there.
Like check, like fuck?
Yeah.
And then, look, this is the wallet.
It got stolen.
I mean, it just dropped out of my pocket.
And I had, I don't know.
200 bucks?
Yeah, a couple hundred bucks in there.
No, it's some more.
There's my 300.
Hundreds of dollars.
What?
Not good?
Well, give it to her.
That's a lot of money.
That's all for Juicy.
Put it on the table.
She can have it.
All right, here's a hundred.
Here's a hundred.
Give her a hundred.
Here's a hundred, man.
Really?
Yeah, take it.
You gotta take it.
Yeah, yeah.
You don't have a choice.
Because I feel great that finding it.
And then, um...
It feels worth each time.
Well, give Max a hundred back there.
He's back there with...
Hey, Max, come over here.
Are you a hundred?
Get a hundred dollar bill as an Arsenal fan.
He just started school.
Come here, man.
He just started school.
But do, he started a new school.
Yeah, get a textbook.
I don't know how to say cost, but get one.
God bless.
Get the one with the biology thing.
Good job.
Max, what do we say?
Right?
What do we say?
That's the biology, right?
Max.
Thank you, Bobby.
Don't...
Whoa.
Whoa.
Give me the hundred back.
A generous man.
Me?
Always a generous man.
I don't even care.
Because I am so happy I found this.
Because Friday night, Friday night, what happened was we finished this podcast.
Yeah.
Then you left.
I stayed here with Andrea.
We scoured the fucking place.
I went back to the CVS.
I checked the parking lot with the light on the phone for like hours.
Every crevice.
In the parking lot.
In the parking lot.
Then I had to cancel my date with that girl.
Yeah.
Right?
And spots.
And spots.
Came back here till midnight.
Looked at every like...
You know...
What do you call the brown stuff?
Poop?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I checked every piece of horse poop that was out there.
Yeah.
Because this brown is...
Horse poop.
Horse poop.
In case the horse ate it and then shit it out.
And shit it right back out.
Went into a deep depression Saturday.
I was like, I can't move on.
Right?
I had to drive.
Then my accountant, right?
Lives in Marina del Rey.
Right?
And he goes, hey, Bob.
That's what he sounds like.
No, he doesn't.
He sounds like this.
Hey, Bob.
Yeah, that's good.
He's 104 years old.
Yeah.
I spoke to him on the phone.
You can hear his breathing machine in the background.
Yeah.
He can't die.
But I hope he doesn't die.
He will, dude.
I don't want him to die.
He's so old.
I don't know where...
Anyway, so I...
And he goes, I'm going to San Diego.
You got to get here now.
Drive early in the morning.
Cancel my cards.
Get a new card.
I told him to get me some cash.
And then today, this morning, they called.
We got it.
And cash was in it.
Yeah.
Wow.
They didn't touch a dime.
Well, you wouldn't know.
I wouldn't know.
Yeah.
That's what's good about you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're easy to rob.
So you have an alternative wallet as well.
You have a new side wallet.
No, and then I had to get a new...
This is my old wallet.
And I put...
I got my new card and some other cash in it.
It's fine.
Everything's good, though.
I feel great.
But once you got the brown one back, didn't you want to consolidate?
I'm taking two.
I got that.
From now on.
Yeah, because if I lose one, you know what I mean?
I won't feel as bad.
I get it.
You should always have two wallets.
Yeah, that's my thing, yeah.
Do you carry...
What do you carry with you?
I have a wallet in my bag.
But like, is there a lot of shit in it?
No, it's just a few cards and then my cash.
This is how I've learned to live after years of wallets.
What is that?
It's a magnetic case that goes on my iPhone.
Wow.
Oh, it's an Apple one, too?
Yeah.
So if you'd lose that...
Yeah, it's whatchamacallit.
No, it's got whatchacallit on it.
MagSafe.
It's MagSafe.
Yeah.
So as soon as I take this off, it'll say, if I'm on my phone, a notification
will pop up
and say, Andrew's wallet disconnected, and it knows where it is.
Oh, that's sick.
No, that's amazing.
Yeah.
Where do you get that?
Apple.
Oh, I'll go go.
Yeah, they sell these.
But this is all I do.
All I have is three cards.
ID, two credit card.
No cash?
No cash?
I keep cash in my front pocket.
Oh, I should do that then.
Do not...
Don't keep it in a wallet.
Right.
Because I bet you they took 20 bucks and you wouldn't.
They could have.
They could have.
I have a picture in mine, too.
Uh-oh.
Is it of us?
I don't have no pictures of you guys yet.
Printed.
You should.
I see that Arizona ID.
I have, too.
One of my mom and one of my best friend.
Oh, show the camera so they can see.
That is so cute.
And we're going to meet your best friend when we go to Phoenix.
Yeah, but do you have a...
Wait, wait, wait.
Do you have a Nokia or something?
You can't put your fucking photos on your phone?
I do, but I had a Polaroid for a bit and I just ran out of film.
It's so old-timey.
Just put it on your phone.
I'll get a Polaroid of you and put it in my wallet.
Cute.
Okay, good.
Yeah.
If it's you, it's okay.
Yeah, it's okay then.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But check this out.
I'm going to get a new phone, too.
I'm going to have two phones.
Do you know why?
In case you lose one?
Yeah.
No, because I got banned.
I got banned from Bumble and Hinge.
What?
What did you do?
What did you do?
I got banned from both dating sites, right?
Let me just tell you.
I'm not going to tell you.
I know what you did.
No, what?
Well, you probably, did you send a no-no picture?
No, no-no picture.
What do you mean?
Nobody flagged you?
I've never sent a dick pic in my life.
Should you lie about your age on Hinge?
Carlos.
How do you know?
I just assumed.
So I was, people report me because I lie on my age.
Why does that even matter?
Yeah, what do you say?
Who the fuck cares?
They, but they, they care.
Okay, time out.
So in real, the real world, you're 51 years old.
Yeah.
Let's all guess in the room.
Unless you know, you can't cheat.
If you already know.
How old I say I am.
Let's all go.
Okay, I don't know.
Okay, I think you say, whoever wins gets another $100.
Yeah.
All right.
I say, you say you're 43.
Very good answer.
Go ahead.
I think you like the, like being older.
So you say 65.
Okay, that's funny.
That's a funny answer.
That's a funny answer.
Okay, Carlos.
Yeah, yeah.
I think he goes 39.
39.
And then 40.
40.
What is it?
35.
Oh my God.
Nobody won.
We all went over.
Yeah, yeah.
We all went over.
No wonder they caught you immediately.
35.
You think you're 35?
Don't get so, that's so rude the way you even said that.
Bobby, you're nowhere near.
Google 35 year old Korean guy.
Well, it's because that makes you younger than Andrew, which is.
Dude, you are a cute little panda boy, but you are not 30.
Look at how fucking hot 35 year old Koreans are.
I never looked like that when I was 35.
Yeah, you did.
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
I never looked like that.
Those are BTS guys.
When I first met you, you looked exactly like that.
You looked exactly.
When I first met you, that was you.
How come I couldn't get any pussy then?
Because.
All they were in.
Oh yeah, BTS wasn't in.
It wasn't in back then.
Yeah, but look at that.
That dude, we're the same age.
Me and that guy.
No, he's 40.
Oh, he is?
How old is he?
It says over 40.
Actor's over 40.
But can I say what?
Bobby, 35 is insane.
Listen.
Okay.
Okay.
But on the profile picture.
Yeah.
In parentheses.
I go, I'm actually 51.
Okay, so that's funny.
Yeah, that's funny.
Right?
So it's like.
But they reported you?
Yeah, but the reason why I did that.
Who the fuck reports that?
The reason why you did it is what?
Because when I first did it, I said 51.
I was getting no matches.
Got it.
And the ones that I got were like, they all look like Judi Dench.
You know what I mean?
But she's a dame.
I know, she's a dame.
Like the youngest one looked like Tilda Swinton.
You know what I mean?
And like this, I was like, oh, I'm fucked.
Right?
So I changed the age so that young.
Now.
Here we go.
Here's my theory.
Here's my theory, okay?
Yeah.
And this might sound creepy.
All right?
I think it will.
It feels creepy.
It was working.
Yeah.
Because our fans, right?
Mm-hmm.
Ranged from 20 in the 30s.
I would say our fans are anywhere.
I would say our best age is 25 to 45.
Exactly.
That's our like.
But the 25, 45 year olds, their age limit to look at other guys.
45.
Is 40, 45.
Yeah.
Right?
So I just wanted to get into the pool.
Yeah.
You want to get, but