Name: Bobby's Sober Birthday | Ep 153 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2023-02-13T17:00:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby's Sober Birthday | Ep 153 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby's Sober Birthday | Ep 153 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-13. Transcript available.

Bobby's Sober Birthday | Ep 153 | Bad Friends

you two are bad friends who are these two idiots white dude and an asian dude
you two are disgusting
well you two are something we're bad friends so i um i woke up and there's cat
vomit over you know
i i haven't lived alone in so long so i don't know how to function like i don't
know how to clean
things yeah are you doing that again because you know you're one of my best
friends you are
using hard yeah and i just 51 years old i understand that 51 i called you seven
times today
i'm trying to or i'm leaving from two months and i've called you seven times
and you can't pick
up you're a movie star that's right pick up the phone so what i'm saying is
that you know i'm
going through a hard time i don't do movies that's what it is i don't do movies
sir you're i don't get
invited you just so you're bragging you just did the movie with jamie lee curtis
and all those people
nine years ago and they're not going to come out it shouldn't i know it shouldn't
but let me say this
yeah can i just express how i feel nah you know i'm leaving and you didn't
answer the phone before
3 p.m okay okay and you know i'm trying to coordinate stuff so all day
coordinate and i know
you're not what's coordinate i was trying to coordinate and i know you're not
sleeping i know
you're on raya or some bullshit i'm a rye the band i know you're on raya all
right i know you're swiping
when you see my call and you flick me away because you're trying to get punani
and that's not okay
yes you fucking do i do now listen how many girls came to the store last night
or to the improv
couple you had a harem and where were you when i'm asian i need concubines
you don't know you don't know we need concubines where were you when the show
was over
gone and where was i in the room yeah and they're all like where's bobby yeah
you're supposed to take
care of my concubines i don't want a fucking concubine i don't know they're my
concubines
your concubines you have redheaded white ones i have white can i just tell you
what's going on
with me yeah please don't roll your eyes dude because i want to be your friend
i didn't roll
my eyes yeah you went like that all right ask me again can i tell you what's
going on with me yes
okay i have a sore throat no great and i can't and i i'm losing my voice and i
cancel my spots tonight
why are you losing your voice you think you have covid no swear to god i was
screaming yesterday
why i perform at the improv and the comedy store did you like your spot at the
improv yeah
did you no it was fucking terrible well you know why because he brought 35
students dude when you
bring your students it's always bad it's nighttime usa bad nightmare i mean
nightmare not nighttime
nightmare usa not nighttime it was nighttime it is do you guys think you're not
funny for that age group
dude yeah i just feel like i'm offensive this motherfucker this fucking guy you
cut your
bullshit out right now yeah we're not seinfeld no all right and we're not
carrot top we don't do
fucking props why'd you say carrot top what does that have to do why why i
pointed you yeah why why
i'm sorry we're not ken jong and carrot top yeah that's what i meant to say
okay we're different
we're different we have our own voices we have our own way of doing it but i'm
by i'm by
i'm by myself yeah right so i don't know how anything works like i've never
used the washer and
dryer you're right so i'm trying to figure out all the coat you know the
buttons like what does this
deep hot one do it says right on it i understand it's like home alone dude why
are you fucking
talking right this guy you're acting crazy yeah no he empowers them he brings
students here and he
thinks he's a comedian to them he's a comedian you know they don't even know
his name's fancy
yeah his name is fancy and can i say something students he has no power here
none he has no
power here powerless spanish turd yeah i can make one phone call gun who by the
way yeah needs to
button up his shirt scumbag so gross so gross and can i say students he never
does that when you're
not here that's right he's doing that because it's completely buttoned up to
the top but with the
students it's out like fuck and you know what sucks about your that what you're
that move you're not
burt reynolds you have no hair there you're not so it just looks like a little
boy burt reynolds
you're burt yeah you're burt reynolds scumbag you're like uh burt culkin yeah
you're burt
you're one of the culkins ones you are but you're young
so a cat grew up although no not just it's a trail of throw up oh right so i i
wake up my throat sore
right don't do that face man i'm agreeing with you watch
i'm just on your team all right your throat is sore my sore throat sore yeah
and the cat cat
vomiting i'm cleaning cleaning cleaning cleaning right yeah did i realize i ain't
eat you haven't
eaten yet yeah well i have a mexican food hello why do you look at me because
you're mexican
who's that is that carlos yeah what are you doing here yeah yeah come sit in
the chair for a second
so we can stranger danger danger stranger stranger stranger stranger danger
yeah yeah let me ask you
something legitimately yeah did you offer the kids anything to eat like candy
or anything
no but there is candy out there thanks where'd you get the candy are you
growing out your hair
dude of course i am like a fucking molester dude look no he doesn't you know
who likes his hair
what children lumi ray
oh you have to bring up lumi ray huh oh i heard you brought her up on tiger
belly
and me i had to hear from kalilah do you hang out with lumi ray i i have before
yeah
yeah yeah we talk good she texted me today nice person yeah all right yeah
oh this bad something's going on here what's going on this i can just feel some
heat there's no heat
no you guys are good me and lumi are just friends me and lumi are also just
friends yeah yeah any
penetration penetration i'm asking uh no just energy penetration oh you think
you have more energy
penetration oh no that's not what i meant are you trying to say that your
energy penetration is more
when it comes to fucking energy penetration i'm fucking a jedi knight number
one i number one
number one energy penetration you can't beat him i can fuck you right now with
my energy do it
no you need it was your asshole oh i was doing my mouth
whoa i well i opened the butthole and the mouth you see that that's good to me
crazy dude yeah yeah see whoa whoa both i do like this kimono that you rocking
today
it's not a kimono yeah it is this is a kimono what is it not what is it it's a
baseball shirt
it's a jacket it's not a jacket yeah google picture of a jacket and we'll show
you what a jacket looks
like all right just so i can teach you a dead jacket that's jacket yeah all
right now do kimono
okay do kimono what's this yeah kimono i wanted to see if you could spell it
right
kimono yeah whoops looks exactly like what you got on that that looks nothing
like
show me show me the difference of that and what you got on that one's more
floral
yeah this is a more of a chef's jacket oh that is a chef shirt right that is a
chef shirt
yes chef yeah yeah yes chef everybody from today moving forward all day today
there it is i want i
want to let's refer to bobby as yes chef all day today okay yes chef yes chef
no you don't say
you're the chef why can't you be a chef i'm not a chef oh i'm a i'm a uh uh i'm
the bus boy
you look like a baker i'm a baker yeah yeah yeah yes baker what is he huh what
is he the guy
who collects all the the the oil that changes the oil vats at the end of the
night i don't know
the mexican at like two in the morning i don't know i didn't want to say it but
you said it i guess
if we had a restaurant right you're the baker yeah you're the chef he's dishes
100 that's what i said
the same thing i know i tried to do that once they wouldn't let me in beverly
hills i went to a
steakhouse and they're because i have to work there first well i can't just ask
i wanted to work there
i walked in i was like can i wash dishes and they're like absolutely not
absolutely not i wouldn't let
you touch the dirt even the dirty dishes i wouldn't let you touch that's what i
was applying
for to touch the dirty dishes and they said no yeah but can i tell you why
looks no because that's a
big one that is a very big one but i was gonna say that that's me oh you're
gonna okay right race
what my race but wrong color exactly you're one of the light-skinned mexicans
and they want the
dark skins and they work harder no there's no attitude there's no like hey you
know it's my
sister's quinceanera right i mean i gotta go yeah i had to get the day off like
they would have the
quinceanera at the restaurant that's how dedicated they are we'll just have it
here yeah working and
having it at the same have you had a quinceanera i've been to a couple but i've
what what what about
yours i'm a male what's a guy version called there's no quinceanera for men no
why what yeah guys
don't get it we gotta do that because there's a bat mitzvah and a bar mitzvah
for jewish kids right
but for the boys there is none what does it say the quinceanios for a boy also
follows the same
traditional i didn't get that reasoning as a modern quinceanera so you present
the child to god in
front of their family and friends gross we should do one now quinceanios what's
it called quinceanios
quinceanios no i feel like that's not like a popular one it's more that what do
you think it's
pretty fucking popular look at the photos 2.4 million results i think uh yeah
that's pretty good i mean i'm
mexican and i never heard of it yeah because that's why you're not but you also
don't speak
spanish though that's true oh that's a big one that's sad i want to say this i
want to say this
go ahead it is your sober birthday so happy birthday oh well finally something
oh my god
something you know you're that's that's something okay can i tell you something
do you know you didn't
even wish me happy birthday on my fucking real birthday this year it's not the
same why i was
born into the fucking world yeah we all were and i wish you happy birthday on
your fucking birthday
yeah and i think i mean thank you but i mean what yeah exactly he wants a gift
like gucci or something
no no no he does no well we got you gift no that's not what i want gift number
one come on in
we got you gifts for your sober birthday here we go oh god i've always wanted
one
how many wait sit down sit down
when you said you always wanted one what what were you talking about a token a
token what
a chip a token chip yeah that's what it said you weren't referring to a kind of
person at all were
you i i i what's your name sam sam i love sam when you said token did you mean
chip this is a lot of
chips man yeah thank you so much why don't you look sam in the face and say
thank you i apologize
say thank you i'm sorry for what why are you apologizing to him for all the
years
just for history history yeah that's what i meant that's bob you don't know bobby
every day and in
one are you part of the class yes i am okay cool how old are you 20. he's one
of us he works on
the inside he's our intern he's one of ours oh you're part of our yeah i'm a
minion well then i
can say whatever i want he's not a fucking wait let's stop let's stop he's an
employee he you know
he's not an employee we're not paying him he's an intern so all right yeah he's
working for free
can i ask you some questions sam sure good listen so much okay i mean it's
great can i tell you
something you know you know we're all on that pond right now and you can see
that it water is gonna
come right through at any point we're walking on thin ice oh it's a cold pond
it's a no it's warm
it's getting warm i can tell but the ice is frozen well you can tell there's a
couple of bubbles popping
up there at some moment we're gonna fall right through the ice we're not you
know that game when
you hit the ice cubes out of the thing yeah we've hit way too many there's
almost none