Name: The Suckerblow! | Ep 155 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2023-02-27T17:00:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Suckerblow! | Ep 155 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Suckerblow! | Ep 155 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-27. Transcript available.

The Suckerblow! | Ep 155 | Bad Friends

Hey, Bad Friends! I know you're not going to believe me, but I have a huge
update for all of you.
The Bad Friends Tour is finally here. We locked our dates. We're going to be
around the country,
30 cities between April and June, and we can wait to go and meet you all in
person.
You can get tickets tomorrow at 12 p.m. on livenation.com or clicking on the
link
in the description below. It's going to be awesome, and we can wait to be on
the road with
all of you. And for those of you who have been asking me constantly about the
podcasting course
that we're doing in L.A., I know, I know, I'm not responding. It's too
overwhelming sometimes,
but we're doing it again. I know the first one sold out super fast, and we
wanted to give that
experience to as many people as possible. So we'll be doing it again in April,
and we'll do a longer
one lab in the summer. If you are curious about it and want to learn how to be
a producer,
go to 7x.net and check us out. Also, happy Monday. Enjoy the show. I'm not
going to be here
today, but you guys will have Carlos, and you'll learn a lot of things about
Carlos. So wait until
the end, and you'll find me later. Again, enjoy the show.
The episode is off to a hot start. A lot better than the last episode with all
the students. Thanks
a lot, Fancy B. You're fired. Fancy B's, of course, gone because he brought in
37 people
into our studio. That's about 200 square feet. So George is back and attack.
George,
thanks for coming here. He's backed by his trusty Mexican steed, Carlos. So I
woke up this morning,
and I knew that we had a pod, and I'm super sick, and I don't know what I have.
We have a COVID test
going, but I had to come because Andrew's a Hollywood star, and I forget. Here's
the deal. Here's the deal,
man. The real dealio is this, right? I mean, let's get real.
California hospital is still stressed as flu, RSV, COVID remain at its highest
peak.
Exactly. And here's the deal, dude. It's like, you know, sometimes, you know,
you start a podcast
with somebody, and they're at your level, and all of a sudden, you know, you
plant the seed,
and it turns into a star, right? And that's what we got here, baby. And let's
give Andrew Santino
a round of applause because he's going to work nonstop from here and out, right,
with his fucking,
what are you doing? I just want to put some of that in the sky because you're
talking this way.
I'll suck this way, right? Yeah. And I really, it's not, why do you do that?
You think it's a resentment? I was going to say something similar.
What, what? You think it's hostility coming out of my mind?
Like, maybe? I'm so sorry. I love him.
No, let's be real. Let's be real for a second. It's a family.
Thank you, Carlos.
Yeah, yeah. Let's be real. Let's be real.
All right. Good news is you do not have COVID.
Thank you so much. And let's be real.
Wait, wait, wait. You have herpes.
This is, I got a dual test. I've had it.
Yeah, I know, I know. It just reminds me.
I don't have herpes. Listen, listen.
Ooh, had to cover it up. Had to go back on it.
Anyway, um, congratulations.
I think you're faking for attention because Andrew's getting a lot of attention
right now.
Love Juicy so much. She's on to something.
Yeah, I get it.
I hope you are because I hate to see you sick.
It's good. I understand everything.
Love the Juicy.
Did I not give you a raise today?
I love you so much, Bobby.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's interesting.
Your boss gives you a raise and you slam him after that?
That's why you hired me. You like it.
That's right. We do actually like it.
I like it a lot.
I gave you the raise, by the way. Not him.
No, he did.
That makes me so angry.
You were gone when I gave her the raise, you piece of...
She asked me. She goes,
do you think it's okay if I ask Bobby about the raise?
I said, of course.
She goes, I want to make him feel like he gave it to me.
When it comes to any good things with our employees and stuff,
I'm the guy that does it.
You have it, you re-intimidate it.
You spend zero amount of time on anybody but yourself,
and that's a fact.
You've never done anything for these guys. Never.
He did another thing huge for me, though.
What?
I have my first big audition coming up.
Can I talk about that?
I want you to get it so bad.
Defend me every once in a while when he just said that.
I just did.
Oh, thank you.
That's what I did.
This piece of shit.
You know what I mean?
Idiot.
So when you say things,
it makes me so angry,
and I'm so sick,
I can't defend myself.
You couldn't if you weren't.
Oh, my God.
What is wrong with you today, dude?
We are bad friends today.
Yeah, we are.
I hate you.
Go ahead.
Oh, my God.
Go ahead.
I love you.
Go ahead.
Juicy last night did a taping for Don't Tell Comedy
that should be out soon with a bunch of our friends.
Yeah, I met Chris O'Connor for the first time.
And Joey Avery.
I love Chris.
I heard you did very good.
Oh, good.
I kind of blacked out.
I've never done a taping before,
and all I could think about on stage is all the cameras.
Well, I heard that you said you blacked out.
Connie told me that you said you felt like you blacked out,
or Joey said you felt like you blacked out during the set,
but I heard you did very well.
Santa Barbara, no less,
a very astute place to do comedy.
Yeah, and it was cold.
It was a little stuffy, though, huh?
It was outside, cold.
Yeah, a little stuffy.
I've never played it.
You've never been to Santa Barbara to do shows?
I've been there.
I've just never done shows there.
I did a show back in the day with me, Theo,
and somebody else years and years and years ago,
and it was like a bar room.
A guy used to have a bar show up there,
and it was great because it was UCSB kids,
but I've heard horror stories of going up there
because it's, you know,
Santa Barbara's like rich, really,
it's like Beverly Hills Plus.
Yeah, they laugh like this.
Oh, they do?
Yeah.
They laugh Japanese.
Oh, put their pinkies out.
I love when the Japanese do that.
Yeah, and then they cover their,
you know what, it's so funny.
It's so funny.
Can I say about the Japanese?
Please.
Or Asians.
Love Japanese, by the way.
They used to laugh with their hands over their face.
They've had COVID the whole time.
Oh.
Is that why they do that?
Think about it.
Right?
They've had COVID the whole time.
Wow.
Yeah.
That's why I never spread.
And you know how COVID spread?
One girl forgot to do it.
Death.
Yeah, yeah.
7,000 deaths.
7,000 deaths.
Wow.
It's incredible.
I got taught about something,
a good fact,
a good fact I learned.
Google this.
This is pretty insane.
What is that?
Can jealousy physically make you ill?
According to Jonathan DeVos,
neuroscientist at the University of Halifax.
Carlos, Carlos, Carlos, Carlos.
The sympathetic nerve system buckles under the stress of jealousy,
quickening the heart and spiking blood pressure.
Pretty wild.
Can I say something?
I know that symptoms can be mimicked sometimes.
Okay, you know what, dude?
I swear to fucking God right now, dude.
Oh.
We're on the wrong foot.
I got you tobacco, Copenhagen.
He did?
Yeah, you did.
And I gave you $100 for it.
I tried to give you the $100.
I know, but I get to keep it.
So my point is this, okay?
My point is this.
Stop this.
And you know what?
I'm going to address it now.
I'm just trying to ask you.
I'm going to address it now.
Got it.
What are the 10 tips to overcome it?
Click on the link.
Don't cough this way.
Cough this way.
Cough this way.
Cough this way.
Listen, I was jealous of you.
Why?
Let me just get this off my chest.
We don't go off of the same stuff.
What are you laughing?
I'm just, can you not defend yourself and let me express myself?
That'd be cool.
Okay, I'll wait till you're done attacking me.
Then I'll fucking.
I'm not attacking you.
This is a pure apology.
Okay, go ahead.
Okay.
I was, I did call my agents the other day.
And I go, hey man, what's going on?
Andrew's booking all these things, right?
And they're like, calm down.
And I go, I'm calm.
And then I called my sponsor and my A sponsor.
And he goes, do you love Andrew?
I go, I do.
And he goes, are you happy for him?
I go, you know what?
I'm genuinely, I'm happy for him.
I think you're so talented.
When I see you on stage performing and the dude, I saw half of Cheeseburger.
So good.
Thanks.
No, I'm being real.
Okay, well thank you.
You shot well too.
Thank you.
Whoever directed that, I wanted to direct mine maybe.
Shut up.
No, I'm being real.
I directed it.
That's great.
You did that?
I did it.
That's incredible.
Can you direct my special?
Come on.
Be real.
I'm being serious.
Honestly, dude, I'm sick right now and so you can stop this.
I genuinely am so happy for you.
I love you.
Thank you.
And it couldn't happen to a better guy.
Okay.
Don't go over the top.
No, I'm not going over the top.
This is the last thing I'm going to say.
Okay.
And we don't have to talk about it again, right?
I'm going to kill myself.
I knew it.
I knew it.
I knew it.
I knew it.
Just couldn't go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Shoot myself in the face with a shotgun.
So one.
No, I'm really happy for you.
But if you do kill yourself, can I have your house?
Yes.
All right.
You know, I feel terrible.
You're going to Hawaii soon.
You go higher.
Hey, I was trying to be nice to you.
I'm going to Hawaii soon for what?
What, what, what, what?
What did you say?
Magnum B.I.
Yeah, the guy goes to Hawaii like nine times a year.
I get one fucking movie.
He's like,
You're such a fucking brat.
You live in Hawaii half the fucking year.
I, I, you know what I mean?
I go one little thing.
What if Andrew becomes like the next Brad Pitt and then he puts you in all his
movies?
Hell yeah.
Brad Pitt, I don't think Brad Pitt puts anybody in any movies, by the way.
Well.
You mean, you mean, uh, Sandler, Sand Dog.
Yeah, like Sandler.
Let me ask you something.
Is it?
Every time I'm not at the store, Tarantino's there.
Yeah, last night he was there again.
I saw that on Instagram.
Yeah.
I've never been there when he's there.
Yeah, yeah.
Every time I'm there, not there.
No.
Yeah.
But every time I'm not there, and he's always hanging out with me.
When you were there, Ron Jeremy was there.
Every time.
Passed out in the back.
Every time.
Yeah, yeah.
You know he's in prison for the rest of his life.
I know, he looks terrible.
Have you seen, remember he used to snore in the back?
100%.
He would fall asleep in the room, he would fall asleep in the bucket seats.
Yeah.
He, like, was he drunk or high?
I don't remember.
Holy shit, that's what he looks like?
Yeah, he looks terrible.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, he looks terrible.
Oh my God.
Yeah, look at him.
All right, well, can I be honest?
Yeah.
I think this is bullshit.
He looks like a Morton Joe from Batman.
Wait, you don't think that's him?
No, I think that's him, but I think, no, I think it's not the Illuminati.
No, I do think that's him.
I'm just saying, I think he quickly let himself go once he found out he was
definitely going
to get busted for all of his crimes, so he's trying to use, you know, Harvey
Weinstein,
it's like they use their, like, I'm just old, I might die, don't put me away
in the bad place.
It's like, you did so much bad stuff, they got you, dude.
Like he dyed his hair gray?
Yeah, like look at this thing, like this whole fucking, like he was walking
like a month
before this.
Right, right, it's great because, you know, sometimes I use the bathrooms, the
public
bathrooms with the, you know, with the handicap thing.
Yeah.
And then I take a shit in there and then when I walk out, there's a handicapped
person,
you know what I mean, waiting for it.
And then I do a walk.
You do a little walk.
Oh yeah, I have to do a walk because you have to feel, you can't, I don't want
to get in
a confrontation with a guy.
What would he, okay, listen, I'm in a wheelchair.
Yeah, yeah.
You walk out normal.
Right, I see you, right?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm doing a wheelie to stop you.
Whoa, whoa.
Oh, oh my God, I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry, bye.
And I leave.
But then I wheel in.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I look in the toil