Name: See You In Purgatory w/ Chris Distefano | Ep 156 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2023-03-06T17:00:27.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'See You In Purgatory w/ Chris Distefano | Ep 156 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'See You In Purgatory w/ Chris Distefano | Ep 156 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-06. Transcript available.

See You In Purgatory w/ Chris Distefano | Ep 156 | Bad Friends

Hey, Bad Friends. We are on tour. We keep adding cities as we go. People are
like,
come here, come here, come here. We're trying. We're figuring it out. But go to
badfriendspod.com, badfriendspod.com to get those tickets. We're going to be
all over the country,
baby, adding cities as we go. Go to badfriendspod.com. Grab them tickets to see
your boys
on the road. Are we ready? Are we greenlit? Okay. I need to set my stuff up,
man. I need to
look good. Here it is. Oh, you look good. Look how fat I am. No, but it's...
Dude, I look like a
dumpling from Chinatown. Yeah. No. You look... No. To me, right now, looking at
this... Yeah, look at it.
Look at it. See what it looks like. Let's see. Yeah. Right there. Yeah. You
look like... Buddha.
Happy Buddha. No, but you look like you're enjoying life. You look like you're
having a good time on
this planet. I wouldn't say you're necessarily fat at all. I would say you look
like you probably have
left. Okay. Yeah, that's rude. Yeah. Yeah. You really... You two are bad
friends. Who are these
two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two are
something. We're
bad friends. Yeah. Let me... Because I'm filling in for Santino, I thought I
wanted to look like
him. Okay. Good, good, good, good. So, I got... Just... You know, because I
know he's in Australia
now and who knows what. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So, I don't... Because I want
the people at home to,
you know, not think that he's being replaced or anything. I want them to think
that it's him. So,
I'm... Right, but you still have the bigger dick.
Than Andrew Santino? You think I have a bigger dick than Andrew Santino? Oh, my
God. His is so
small. He does have a little red... Yeah, it's like pale. It's like one of
those worms that you would see
on the moon. Right. Right? Because it's like... It gets no sun and there's no...
There's no like
vitamins and nutrients in the soil. Yeah. The worm is just barely alive. He
looks like... His dick,
I bet you, looks like just a pale... Like just... Like pale little unhealthy grotesque
thing that always
looks like it's like looking in the sun. That's why... What does he call his
dick? What? Bobby Lee.
Okay. That... I didn't know that I was going to come that way. You know what I
mean? It went like
this. I was like, we're having a good time. And then boom, right back to me.
Yeah. You were at the
big boys now. It was like Boomerang. Oh, is that what New York does? Yes. Well,
the New York guys do.
Big boys. Okay. Ask Dave King. He knows. Right. He's putting me in his next
movie. All right.
So here's the deal. May I begin? Because it is still... You know what I mean?
My podcast kind
of. Yeah. Well, not for long. Well, we'll see what... We'll see what happens.
Yeah. First of all,
I want to say thank you so much for your help today. Because you know Andrew
Toohey is, you know,
he's Hollywood. Santino is, yeah. Oh, you know, you get it, right? Yeah. I'm
doing Cena, Zac Efron.
Yeah. You know, he goes to these private, like, Portland country clubs with Bateman
and all those
guys. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. And they, you know what I
mean? Yeah, yeah,
yeah. I don't know what they do. Yeah. Yeah, right. Yeah, no, he's Scientologist.
These are
tambourines, by the way. Yeah. These aren't dicks. He, Andrew Santino, who I'm
playing the part of
today, is a known Scientologist. And I have text messages to prove that. 100%.
Yeah. Yeah,
yeah. Yeah. It's so funny because he had a briefcase once, one of those old
briefcases,
and one of the latches were broken. Right. And he was kind of in a rush to get,
and it fell
Dianetics, right? And then a little orb, right? Right. And I touched it, right?
And the Zinu
appeared. Whoa. Fuck yeah. I got so scared. So scared. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And
then, and then,
right? David Miscavige came out of nowhere. Oh, my God. Grabbed the shit. Yeah.
Got in the
limo and just drove off. Just drove off. Yeah, yeah. Let me tell you something.
Here's what's
going to happen for the, for the time on this podcast. What? Because I'm, I'm
going to be
Andrew Santino, but I'm going to be a little bit different. And the key
difference is, guess
what? I'm going to be the Andrew Santino who isn't mean to you. I'm going to be
the Andrew
Santino who's nice to you. Holy shit. And he doesn't have a compilation of, of,
of, of him
yelling at you on the podcast, which I don't support. I'm going to be nice to
Bobby Lee.
Yeah. Well, I, can I just say this? Yes. Is, um, you don't have the ability to
do it,
even if you wanted to. Because I don't have that in me. You're a softie. I'm a
softie.
He's mean. Yeah. You're gay. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yes, I am. Gay. Yeah,
yeah. And
you're sensitive. And, um, you know, like, you know, we were talking about
playing the
Hogwarts legacy. You wouldn't even be able to handle that. No, I don't even
know what
that is. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I don't even know what that is. When I hear warts,
I'll
start looking at my penis. I bet you money. I bet you money. Any Harry Potter
movie scares
you. Any Harry. Voldemort. Oh, right. Yeah. Right. I don't know. The only thing
I know
about Harry Potter is I went on, I went on the ride. I went on this ride once
in Disney
World. Yeah. You closed your eyes properly. Close my eyes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I
closed
my eyes on that, on that, on that thing, on the, on the ride. And I was
literally, and,
and, and, and yeah, anything with Harry Potter to me and my family is gay. That's
what I tell
my kids. Yeah. Yeah. Gay. Gay. Let me ask you about Harry Potter. Do you know
anything
about it? Be real. Okay. What I know is. Name me all four houses. You can do
that. Okay.
The only thing I know about Harry Potter is I have my, my views align very well
with its
author. That's what I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I know. It's so
funny. Yeah,
yeah, yeah. It's good. It's good. It's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I don't know.
I couldn't
tell you one of the Harry Potter houses. I don't know. I know that it's a, not
Daniel Craig.
What's the lead name? Daniel. Radcliffe. Radcliffe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know he
got
naked and did a, a play. I think the vagina monologues. I know that. Yeah, yeah,
yeah.
I know the girl who was, who was Belle from, from the Beauty and the Boost
movie that I watched
my kids is in the movie. The Beauty and the Boost? Beauty and the Beast. Yeah,
yeah, yeah.
Yeah, Beauty and the Beast. She's fucking hot, that girl. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then
I think. Not in, not in Harry Potter. No, not in Harry Potter. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But
no, when she's over 18. When she got way, way older. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Over 18.
Way,
way, way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then so, and so I know about that, but I, I, I
gotta be
honest with you. I have not seen, I don't think one second. You, so you could,
you couldn't
name any of the houses even. Uh, house of, uh, is Voldemort in, uh, Harry
Potter? Yeah,
Voldemort. Voldemort. Yeah, that's not a house. That's not a house. It's a guy.
I, honestly,
dude, I couldn't name you. I couldn't. Not even a character. I couldn't. I know
Harry Potter.
That's it. I don't know. Because that's in the fucking. And the Hogwarts. It's,
which is a school. That's good. Okay. That's a win. But I learned that from
the ride. Oh, I see. He got on the ride. He probably said it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
So I, no, I'm not a Harry Potter. What, are you guys big Harry Potter fans?
Well, I, you
know, I, I, number one, I'm an American citizen. Right. Right. Number two. Yeah.
Number two,
I have eyes. Okay. Right. And I'm, I just, simple cultural things I know. Right.
I think
that Harry Potter is a cultural thing that people should have, like, kind of a,
it's like,
when, you know, I met this, this girl on Hinge and she, she goes, what are the
Beatles?
What? Yeah. If that's what Harry, when you say, I don't know anything about
Harry Potter,
that's what it feels like to me. What are the Beatles? See, you don't like any,
how about this?
You don't like any, I feel like you're not a fantasy guy.
No, no. Like, like I literally like to prepare, to prepare for this show. Cause
I knew I was going to do a show with you. I watched everything, anywhere, all
the time. You know, that big movie.
I watched that to prepare. Cause I was like, let me get, you know, Bobby wanted
to speak about this.
I think that that would, why that movie? Cause it's the most relevant one. Yeah.
Cause yeah.
Cause there's so many other movies you could have watched. It's the Asian one.
Yeah. Yeah. And I thought.
You should have started with Kung Fu Panda. Right. That's a good one. Kung Fu
Panda is good. It's a very good one. Crazy Rich Asians.
No, you even go back. Oh, you could have even gone back. Mulan. Yeah. You could
have gone. Yeah. Mulan. Mulan is one of my favorite ones.
I can't believe Ronnie Chang wasn't in Mulan. Yeah. Kung Fu. You could have
done the TV show. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. That was a good one. David Carradine. Yes.
I mean, he was. My favorite. I like David Caruso better. You do? Yeah. Why?
Didn't he even the one who autoerotic asphyxiated himself? Yeah. David Carradine
was. David Carradine was. Sorry. I apologize. I was blinded by Carlos's head.
Yeah.
Oh yeah. Carradine. Yeah. Yeah. Carradine did it. Wow. He tied him. You know
what I mean? Do you think you could kill yourself? You think that's a martial
art?
Autoerotic asphyxiation? You think that's like a move? I do. I think it's a
talent. I do think it's a move. And I think that, you know, my kids are in jiu-jitsu.
I'm hoping, I'm wondering when that lesson is.
Yeah. That's the one I'll go to. You think that when the door opens, he goes,
hi-yah!
You know what I mean? And that's when you come? Yeah, that's when you come. Hi-yah!
Oh! Yeah, you come. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And some guy gives you like a stripe on
your belt. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think, I think that, yeah, autoerotic asphyxiation.
Let's try it. You want to try it? Not now. No. You ready for this? I really
want to try it with you.
I'm on my new blood pressure medicine. Shout out Lossardin. And it's doing its
trick, 50 milligrams, but not as horny. And I don't get, I'm not waking up with
morning wood. It's actually causing some issues in the relationship.
Omlodipine?
Oh, Lossardin.
Okay, I take Omlodipine.
What's your BP?
What does that mean?
Blood pressure.
Bad.
Still, even on the meds?
No, on the meds, it's okay.
Right, but do you ever forget to take the meds or you take them religiously?
I ran out.
When did, dude, you're telling me.
Like seven months ago.
You're like, you're like, oh, you're like, oh.
I take it.
You're like, oh, sorry, I've had a 48-hour stomach virus. I'm like, no, dude, I
think you're having stroke symptoms.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think that's what it is.
Oh, yeah, I want to announce to everybody, so I have, did I already say it in
front of everyone?
I had a 48-hour virus.
I'm here in New York shooting the Sex and the City show.
I rapped, like, late, and then I came to the hotel.
I don't want to say it was the hotel.
I don't know where I got it, but I shat for a long time, and then my dick
smells weird.
It really does.
It smells so weird, because I think the poo, because, you know, when you have
diarrhea that long,
you don't, you forget to wipe.
It sucks, yeah.
You know what I mean?
And everything just, you know.
I feel bad for the prostitute that got that on her chest when she came over.
Yeah, don't, you know, cut that apart, but, you know what I mean?
Yeah, it was me.
Yeah, it was my cousin.
Yeah.
But my point is, and then, so then today I woke up, and I had my first meal in
two to three days.
What was it?
I had a B, um, BTS.
BLT?
BLT.
Oh, no, BTS is the Korean pop.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was, yeah.
Yeah, my dad wants to eat them.
I ate that one time, too.
Yeah.
And it was delicious.
Yummy, yum.
Yeah, in Korea.
I got it in Korea.
I, I, um, I think that, uh, well, I'm happy that you're better, and then you
have your first meal.
Well, no, because I