Name: Ask Before You Touch | Ep 157 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2023-03-13T16:00:27.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ask Before You Touch | Ep 157 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ask Before You Touch | Ep 157 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-13. Transcript available.

Ask Before You Touch | Ep 157 | Bad Friends

Hey, what up bad friends? I'm still here down on the night. I'm in Australia,
but I'm back soon
and me and Bobby are on tour. Come see the bad friends. We're doing 30 plus
cities. We're adding
cities. We're adding shows. I'm so excited to come see you guys. And me and Bobito
finally
will be back together again. Yellow and orange back together again. Go to badfriendspod.com,
badfriendspod.com. That's where you can see all the dates and all the cities
that we're going to.
Plus, we're adding cities and adding shows. So stay tuned and thank you for
being a bad friend.
You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian
dude. You two are
disgusting. You two are something. We're bad friends. Yeah, I could not. Dude,
him. What? His
Gloriel stories last night kept me up. I was so sick. I could not sleep because
I was thinking
about his Gloriel. You know what's so funny? What? He asked me after the
episode, he's like,
was that too much? What are you talking? Of course. Yeah, that's way too much.
It was perfect
for the show. Yeah. Yeah. We needed to learn that you were an exploratory guy
who is very
of easily manipulated. Yeah. And also naive, naive. Hey, naive. And you trick
yourself, you trick
yourself into thinking that it might not be a guy behind whole numbers one and
two. Well, I don't
plan on going back like in a couple of weeks. I don't believe that. I don't
believe that. I think
you are. Guess what? We won't go one time. Never. You'll never go. I promise.
Guess what? I'll let you
know. All right. Would you ever go? Can I say something? What? I love you so
much. I love you.
Now, what's wrong with you? I love you so much. I'm honestly going to miss you.
I'm missing you in
my heart. I'm so sick right now. Anyway, thank you. And I love you. And I love
you more than I
think I've ever loved. I love you more than anything on the men. Should we just
say something to her
right now? Bitch. Whoa. Was that the meat locker joke? Got that? It's the meat
locker joke. It's
filling my heart, dude. All right. All right. Let me say it, glory boy. Glory
boy. Let me say something to you,
dude. You got my respect last night. You did. You're a bottom dweller, dude.
You're the
underbelly of the underbelly, dude. You really are low down to the bottom. You
know that fish that
literally lives at the bottom of the ocean? There you are. There you are. Oh my
God. That kind of
looks like you. Yeah. That's it, dude. And that's what your parents think of
you. Yeah, they do.
Because I've seen the videos. I don't know what they think about. Oh, yeah. I've
seen the videos,
dude. Yeah. With the whole hotel thing when your dad turned around and looked
at you, dude.
Hey, do me a favor. Will you take your hat off and then spike just a little
piece of your hair in the
side? Just twist one of the hairs in the middle together.
Like it's an antenna. Yeah. Exactly, dude. Exactly, dude. Look at that. And
that's where
you're going to die alone. No, Bob. Not again. No, you're going to find
somebody. You know what?
Oh, you're going to find a bottom dweller, too. Down there. Is there glory
holes for girls? Is
that a real thing? I like how you look to me. Well, you're the woman on the
show. Yeah. How would
that work, though? It's more like a porn category. I think it's a myth. What do
you mean,
how would that work? Well, how does a glory hole for a woman? The hole has to
be bigger. I mean,
what are you saying? Well, she puts her lip. No. Oh, she sticks her mouth. I
was thinking
vagina. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Right. That. Right. That's cool. Will Schwagerverden.
You know
that's German. They're so funny about that kind of stuff. Yeah. All that stuff
came from
Germany. Yeah. Yeah. So tell me Nazis did nothing good. But let me say
something. If you
had done that. Yeah. Then we'd be like, okay. That's fun. That's fun. I'd be
okay with any
that. It doesn't exist, though. That's like a production. That's not true. That
absolutely
exists. You think there's not sex clubs and stuff like that? Well, I'm not. I
tried to
go to a sex club a couple of weeks ago. Who brought you there? Just someone I
know. Okay.
We know. We know. Okay. Go ahead. You tried to go. What do you mean? They didn't
let you
in? Well, she asked the owner if I could go as a whole thing. Like, I'm like a
random guy.
Right. Like rich people. It's straight out of like true detective. Do you have
to send in
a headshot? I think I would have to send like information about myself. Like, I
gotta go.
I gotta go. You think I can go? You can definitely go. Yeah. Let me ask you
something. Can I go with
you? No. No, no, no, no, no. Right away. Yeah. Because you're going to look for
holes in
the walls. Yeah. You know what I mean? And I'm going to go, dude, it's not that
kind of
house. That's not how it goes, man. And you're going to look at people like a
painting,
lift the paintings up. There's a hole. You know what I mean? Imagine he's just
going around
punching holes in the walls. Yeah, yeah. So no, you can't go because it's a
beautiful
house probably. Yeah, it's like a nice. So let me ask you this. Okay. Um, if I
go,
how many, is it even like if you're at a sex party, is it 50 women, 50 men?
Gotta be,
right? I think it really is because it's a members thing. Why? You want, why?
You want
better odds? You want better odds. I need better odds. Yeah. Because that means
that leaves me
with one. I totally agree with you, by the way. Right. And I'm going to strike
out with
that one. And I was like, I'm going to go to the jacket and I'm going to leave
the
fucking house. Right. But then some other guy gets two. Yeah, but it's probably
Tom
party. But what if you get two? What if some other guy strikes out? I don't
know if I'm
willing to take the risk. I get it. Also, I don't know how to ask. Here, I'm a
girl and
ask me at the party. Hey. Hey, what's up? Great party. Tell me about it. I come
to these
things all the time. Yeah. Have you been here before? That's my first one. Oh,
really?
Yeah. Oh, that's so cute. I know the same person that Carlos, you probably don't
know
Carlos. Anyway. Who's Carlos? Oh, he's not here. You mean the guy that's
serving food?
No. Oh. That man's name is Carlos. I know. No, it's not that guy. Oh, okay. You
wouldn't
know the Carlos because he would be digging, putting holes in the walls. Oh,
the whole glory
boy. Oh, he came last time? The shit fish. Yeah, he's been here. Oh, really? Do
you
know that guy? Oh, yeah. Kid fish. Yeah, he's my friend. Anyway, he works for
me. Oh,
he's sweet. I like him. He's sweet. Yeah, he's all right. So, what's up? Anyway,
so, it
looks like 49 people are hooked up with 49 because I'm counting the room. Yeah,
everyone
is kind of doing their thing. Yeah, yeah. I guess it's you and me, baby. See,
that's
what? That? That. Is the nightmare of nightmares. Right. But what if it goes
like
this? Ready? Ask me again. Okay. So, 49. Well, that's 49 people and 49 guys, 49
girls
together. Yeah. I guess you and I, baby. I mean, it's what I've always
wanted. What? A Korean. I've tasted the entire world. I've never had Korean.
Wait,
wait, let's stop right there. The entire world? Yes. Like who? Oh, I've had 13
countries in Africa. How many guys per country? A hundred or so. Per country?
Well,
yeah. Condom, though? What's a condom? Oh. So, raw dog? Yeah. O-O-R-D. Yeah. Oh,
that's the lingo? That's what we say. Because I've never been to a sex club
before. It's R-D. Right. Yeah. So, you raw dog probably thousands of
men. Maybe tens of thousands. Okay. Okay. Okay. Um, I'm wearing my jacket.
Hi. So, now you're gone. I couldn't do it. See what I mean, though? Yeah. What
do you mean?
It could go both ways. You could be. You're assuming that you're going to want
to fuck
someone. What if you find nobody you'd like to fuck? That's what I'm saying. My,
because
that, I mean, if it was like this, if it was like Ukraine right now. What is
this?
What? How is this like Ukraine? Well, always in an Eastern European country
where there's
a war. Yeah. There are more women than men. That's true. Yes. Because the men
are all
dead or gone at war. I didn't want to say that part. I get it. You know what I
mean?
I get it. Hopefully I could just throw Ukraine out there and you would get what
I'm saying.
I just, yeah. Okay. I should. Next time that's my fault. Right. Is it not like,
is it not true Spanish? Yes. Right. Lovely metaphor. Like if you go to Czechoslovakia,
is that how you say it? No, but it will go with it. Yeah. Yeah. If you go to
any of these
countries, there's always more women than men. The men are off at war. Exactly.
Right. Okay. So,
I want, is there like one in Ukraine? You want Ukraine odds. Well, I want to go
to Ukraine.
Let's just go to Ukraine. Yeah. Is it, let's do a sex party at Ukraine. I'm
sure there are a bunch.
So you had, you got denied entry. They literally said you can't come in.
Well, I didn't like show up and get turned down at the door. You texted this
person. They said,
probably not. No, they reached out on my behalf and they were like, I don't
know. It's like,
you know, it's just him. It's kind of weird. Cause the person I know gets paid
to hook up with
other women like on a bench or on a chair, like to turn everyone on. Like as
art as art. And that's
why I think Bobby actually would have good odds. You would have so much fun
because people are
turned. Why would I have fun? Because it's like, how much money is this? I don't
know. We have the
website, right? Well, let's not show it. How much is it? How much is it? There's
no way there's
going to be a fucking like a PayPal page. They're not going to tell you.
February 11th.
I'm saying that there's an application. February 11th. Yeah. You have to apply.
A couple's ticket starts at $1,200. Single gentleman must attend with the
female
companions approved by us. So you didn't get approved. You were the single
gentleman that
didn't get approved. Oh, so I have to bring somebody. Yes. No. Cause you're swat.
It sounds
like a swat. Can you go? No. So fun. I would be at the snack bar a little time.
You have to go. We'll eat
together. I love eating. We'll go to the snack bar. He does love eating. They
ask for your industry. I mean,
that's kind of cool. And you can put what your kink is. Yeah. Who can I bring?
I'd go, but do I have
to have sex? No, no, you don't. I don't think that's part of the thing. I think
this is like a sexy
party. And do you have to be naked? I feel like that's a valid question. See,
look, you have to
upload your full body face and see in with couples if you're with, if you're
with a partner. But let me
say this thing. We'll get denied, but the photo we submit is going to be
hilarious. It's going to be us
dressed like this. I think you guys should submit just for the fun of it. Yeah.
I mean, we could dress
however we want to. That's right. I mean, this is basically just a glorified
costume party is all
this. Yeah. I would go for you. I'd be so uncomfortable. I could dress up as
Mozart. You
could dress up as Rachmaninoff. Rachmaninoff. Right. And we'd have the wigs and
the suit.
What do you call it? And I'll be Beethoven. I'll drop you guys off. Pull up in
an old car. We'll
bring a violin. You know what I mean? I'll bring a ukulele. I'll bring my
trumpet. Yes. A
trumpet. Oh, the trumpet. I don't think Beethoven played a ukulele. So maybe
what else? Harpsichord.
Hopsichord. It's a whole thing. It's huge. It's huge. I'll bring it down. I
guess we're just
going to have to trail that behind the car. Yeah. But anyway, so yeah, forget
that. We're not
going to do that. $1,200 for a couple, but I didn't think it was going to be
more in my mind. I
thought it was going to be something outrageous, like 10 grand or something.
But $1,200 a couple,
so $600 a person. But you have to bring someone else. And that also means the
other person
that you bring has to be down to other people. Right. Here are the rules. You
always have to
ask before you touch. Well, that's just a st