Name: Hey Homie ft. Frankie Quiñones, Johnny Sanchez & Cristela Alonzo | Ep 159 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2023-03-27T16:00:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Hey Homie ft. Frankie Quiñones, Johnny Sanchez & Cristela Alonzo | Ep 159 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Hey Homie ft. Frankie Quiñones, Johnny Sanchez & Cristela Alonzo | Ep 159 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-27. Transcript available.

Hey Homie ft. Frankie Quiñones, Johnny Sanchez & Cristela Alonzo | Ep 159 | Bad Friends

What up, Bad Friends? I am on my way back to the US of A from Aussie, baby, and
I'm so very excited
to go on tour. Me and Bob are on tour. You want to get those tickets? Get those
tickets at
badfriendspod.com. We added dates. We added cities. We added shows. We added
shows in Riverside,
San Antonio, Toronto, Canada. Come out and show that love for Bad Friends Pod.
We're doing a huge
tour. Oklahoma, Kansas City, St. Louis, Indianapolis, Detroit, Louisville,
Atlanta, Memphis, Norfolk,
Durham, Charlotte, San Antonio, Houston, Irving, Spokane, Seattle, Portland,
Phoenix, Jacksonville,
St. Petersburg, Hollywood, Orlando, Riverside, San Diego, Montclair, Port Chester,
Baltimore,
Philly, Toronto, and much, much more. We're adding as we go. Go to badfriendspod.com.
Badfriendspod.com.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. I know how to. Oh, da, la. Oh, da, la. Oh, da, la.
Oh, da, la. Oh, da, la. When he died, when Richie Valens died, was that sad for
you guys?
It tore me apart from the movie.
Really?
Yes. It tore me apart.
That's like your Harry Styles, right?
Oh, my God.
Richie Valens?
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
You know that I...
He was only 17, dude.
Are we recording right now?
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, Harry Styles, I didn't know anything about.
Until when?
Until I heard a song called...
Was it Watermelon Sugar?
Yeah, he loves fruit.
Dude, well, that's what I thought it was.
I was like, man, this guy loves Agua Fresca.
You know what, bro?
I feel like I'm being racist with fucking mustache and shit, bro.
You know what I mean?
But welcome to...
Yo, dude.
Mexican Amigos, bro.
Okay?
Welcome.
I'm gonna take it off now.
Okay.
It feels weird.
Anyway.
Oh, my God.
You had another one underneath all the time.
I love it.
So welcome to...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So good to see you guys, man.
Because let me tell you something, man.
Andrew's been out of town.
And I've been doing this all alone.
And I needed friends, bro.
And we did an all-Korean episode, bro.
And I thought, what's next, bro?
Mexicans, dude.
I fucking love them, bro.
We got a fucking...
I want to introduce the people.
In the room, bro.
We got a fucking raccoon in the house.
Yeah.
A fucking raccoon.
He's half raccoon.
Half fucking Mexican.
This guy...
You know what I mean?
Bro, when's the last time you slept, dog?
I stayed up late last night.
But I have these all the time anyway, Bobby.
Dude, it's at a point...
I know.
I need to get some work done.
You're gonna have to Michael Jackson it.
Yeah, I know.
You're gonna have to Michael Jackson underneath your eye because it's like, it's
so prominent.
Listen, I looked into it.
Here's the problem.
Are you a panda?
Can I ask you that?
The panda's good, too.
Panda, raccoon...
Do you want Johnny to have Sammy Sosa lids?
You know, there's a laser.
There's a laser thing.
But you have to go to somebody really good because if they take off too much,
dude, then it gets...
It's like, it'll be pale.
It's worse.
I don't know, dude.
I don't know.
I think pale is better.
It's bad, huh?
It's so...
No, it's you.
It's you.
Some people just have dark circles, naturally.
Yeah, but it's bad, look.
It's bad.
That's bad.
That's pretty bad.
I don't think so.
Yeah.
But it's gonna get...
You know, it's gonna get...
The dermatologist told me it's gonna get dark.
It's just gonna keep getting darker as I get older.
And it's gonna...
Yeah, yeah.
Please don't get them done then.
And it's gonna...
I have to see what happens.
Like, in about five years, it'll be...
They get...
It goes lower and lower.
Oh, please.
Oh, my God.
When we start calling him Crater Sanchez...
Crater?
Crater?
Crater Sanchez, bro.
Man, people have tried to hike it, but they've never gone.
They've never seen again.
So we got Johnny Sanchez, my old friend.
Yeah, buddy.
You good, bro?
Yeah, I'm all right.
All right.
I'm sorry for making fun of you, man.
That's all right.
Yeah.
It goes...
That's how our relationship is.
It's always been like that.
It'll never change.
Yeah.
I love you.
It's...
You know what's funny?
Can I get you just the next person?
Well, just real quick.
You always go...
It's always been funny.
You've always gone after my looks.
You always make fun of me.
But you...
I called you Cricket.
Yeah, Cricket.
Yeah.
But you...
You make fun of me like you look like Brad Pitt.
That's what makes me...
I look like shit.
Yeah.
I look like shit.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
I know.
I look in the mirror.
Okay.
And I know where I'm at.
I know who I am.
Yeah.
We're going to talk about that, right?
Anyway.
How about what?
Dating and...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We will.
But can I introduce people?
Introduce.
That's what I was going to say.
Yeah.
We have one that...
We have one Mexican that's not even shown up yet.
Yeah.
He's on Mexican time.
He's on Mexican time.
What does that mean?
Anyway, the next person...
I get it.
I get it.
So the next person that I want to introduce is somebody that I met many, many
years ago.
She was living in Dallas.
Yes.
And you were working at the Addison Improv.
Yeah, I was the office manager.
You were the office manager.
Oh, my God.
And I found out then that you were doing stand-up.
I had just started.
You just started.
And the way you rose, it was just...
I was so proud of you.
I'm still very proud of you.
You just dug your way out, and you're so talented and funny.
Cristela Alonso.
She had her own sitcom.
What was it called?
Cristela.
Oh, my God.
It was actually called Nine Is Enough.
It could have been called Cristela versus Cristela.
I mean, I don't know.
No, no, no.
You're right.
It could have been...
Look, George Lopez has used his name on every show.
And even then, when he has a new show, I'm like, it could be Paul this time.
You never know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thanks for being here.
I haven't hung out with you in a while.
Yeah.
And I called you out of the blue, and you were like, let's do it.
And yeah, I was telling Johnny before the show that we're at an age where we're
pretty much going to be...
We're unfuckable.
And we have sad futures ahead of us.
Do you...
Do you what?
Do you...
Do you...
Can you see yourself with a woman that would be like in her late 40s, early 50s?
You still like young...
That's crazy.
I don't even know what you're accusing me of.
What are you accusing me of?
No, no.
I'm young.
You like girls that are like 20s and maybe early 30s.
Listen, I don't care about the age.
It's what I see.
Yeah.
Okay.
So you probably wouldn't go out with a woman that's like 48, 49, 50, right?
It depends.
Oh, okay.
If I'm in a...
I'm 44, by the way.
You look great.
You look wonderful.
Okay.
All right.
But...
Are you saying that for me to be careful the way I...
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
I don't give a shit.
No, I'm saying like...
Like...
I'm 44.
You look good.
You look good.
I'm saying that there's people that are...
Women that are 49, 48 that probably don't look...
You know, it's like...
Yeah.
It just depends.
Yeah.
Right?
If I'm in a bakery, right?
And if the cake looks fresh, I want to eat it.
Right?
But if it's damaged, you know what I mean?
There's...
You know?
Rotting.
Oh, wear and tear, you mean.
There's some wear and tear.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's what I call moisturizer.
It's like...
See, like...
There have been times...
There have been times.
I do this shit all the time.
I will Google people I hated in high school.
And I know that we're the same age.
And a lot of them look like shit.
And it's because I tell people...
They never learn to moisturize.
So it's like...
We're the same...
It's like that thing about not knowing how to take care of yourself.
Maybe because you're too busy.
You're having a fucked up life where you're trying to survive and shit like
that.
Whatever it is, you didn't do it.
So people sometimes look different than other people the same age because they
just didn't...
They didn't take care of themselves.
But moisturize?
It's about moisture...
Like putting lotion on your face?
Is that what you're saying?
Yeah, I'm simplifying it like that just to say that that's like the example...
But can I add on to that?
Let's do it.
Could it be about also stress levels?
Yes, absolutely.
Well, that's what I mean is that the moisturizing is just an example of how
like people do extra
steps sometimes that they probably don't even think about.
Like the moisturizer is a thing.
Obviously stress level because that's what I'm saying.
It's like if you have a life of survival of like trying to get by or something
or shit's
just fucked up.
Sometimes you trying to take care of yourself like physically is the last
fucking thing on
your mind.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The mind fuck, I suffer from depression and anxiety and when I get depressed, I
get depressed.
And when I feel like that, I don't give a shit what I look like.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah.
And that's, it's kind of going to your fresh cake.
Like, you know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But you know, also too, culture, oh, what?
Go ahead.
Well, I want you to talk.
Culturally, I feel like white people age faster.
The lighter complected, fair skinned people.
What are you saying right now, dude?
Seem to get more wrinkled earlier than people who have oily skin and darker
complexion.
So you're saying black people look good?
Well, we all know that.
Don't call them oily though.
That's weird.
No, I'm talking about Mexicans.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like my dad.
Yeah, well, you just call them oily.
No, no, no, no.
The Mexicans, like my dad has very oily skin.
He's 80, going to be 88.
He looks fantastic.
Is he the raccoon part of your family?
No.
Okay.
I did not get it from my mom or my dad.
Where does that come from though, that?
I had a great aunt that had it and I had an uncle that had it.
Yeah.
Not my mom and dad.
Oh, you know what I just realized?
You look like you're about to play football.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
So that's cool.
Anyway, I love you.
Thanks for coming out.
You're one of my favorites.
You're one of my favorites.
Hey, you piece of shit.
I love you, buddy.
I love you, buddy.
Hey, you fucking disappointment.
I'm like, hey, buddy.
Hey, fist bump, right?
Yeah.
Like, I'll give you, like, Rachel Beelson, you know who that is?
Yes.
Yes.
I remember her.
Yeah.
I know her.
And she's, you know, in her near 40s, right?
And she's beautiful.
I mean, I would, you know, I mean, if I could date her, I would probably, I
mean, she had
a baby with Darth Vader.
Yeah.
Oh, Christensen.
Christensen.
Yeah, yeah.
So that's the level that she's at, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
But I'm just saying, if like.
She's fucking young Anakin.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Young Anakin.
Yeah.
I can't fuck with a young Anakin.
Yeah, exactly.
Because in the Star Wars universe, I'm a Jawa.
Does a Jawa fuck fucking?
No.
No.
I am like the Jar Jar Binks one night stand.
Like in the Star Wars universe, who would you be?
I know.
I already know.
Oh, what's his name?
The, um.
I know what you are, dude.
What?
Remember that blue guy that was like flying?
He was the boss?
He was the boss.
In one of the newer ones?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
What was his name?
The blue one that was.
Yeah, that's you.
That dude.
That's fucking human.
Oh my God, dude.
Unfuckable.
Oh my God.
That reminds me of when people say, like when women come up to me, they're like,
you remind
me of my friend.
I'm like, what did I do to you?
You have big feet?
Wide.
Oh, they're wide.
Because I used, I grew up barefoot.
Like apocalypto.
Dude, that's my cousin.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like back in the day, you probably could have just run up a tree.
Oh, I could still do that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like, no, I used to, I was barefoot all the time.
We were really poor.
So my mom would give me one pair of shoes for the whole year.
So then during the summer, I used to be barefoot all the time.
I'd walk to the stores barefoot and everything, you know, so I have wide feet.
Whoa.
You know?
Yeah.
I'm dropping some fucking honest nuggets here.
No, I really like it.
But they're probably pretty.
I've never seen them.
Yeah, yeah.
I will say.
Go ahead.
That they are on the internet.
And