Name: We Hate Dolphins | Ep 163 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2023-04-24T16:00:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'We Hate Dolphins | Ep 163 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'We Hate Dolphins | Ep 163 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-24. Transcript available.

We Hate Dolphins | Ep 163 | Bad Friends

- Hey, Bad Friends.
- We're gonna be in Durham.
- Then we're gonna be in Charlotte,
and then we're doing our Texas run.
- Yeah.
- Which is San Antonio, Houston, and Dallas, baby.
- And Dallas, Texas, my friends.
- Once we're done with Texas,
we're going to the Pacific Northwest
for Seattle and Portland and Spokane.
Then we go to Arizona, baby.
Phoenix, go get those tickets right now
at BadFriendsPod.com.
- Right now.
- BadFriendsPod.
- BadFriendsPod.com right now.
- Dot com.
We'll see you out on the road.
- You two are bad friends.
- Who are these two idiots?
- A white dude and an Asian dude.
- You two are disgusting.
- You two are something.
- We're bad friends.
- You've heard of the Moonies, though, no?
- What's the Moonies?
- Yeah.
- What?
- What are the Moonies?
I don't know what the Moonies are.
- Tell us what they are.
- The Honeymooners.
- The Honeymooners is, that's--
- That's stupid.
- You're an idiot.
You're a moron.
- Aren't they called the Moonies?
No, you don't know what the Moonies are?
- No.
- The show The Honeymooners,
I know what the Honeymooners is.
- No, no.
- It's a good show.
But you know what my favorite one?
- The Jeffersons?
- No, The Honeymooners with Cedric.
- Cedric the Entertainer?
- They did a Black Honeymooners.
- What?
- No, they didn't.
- I swear to God they did.
- Wait, when?
- Years ago.
That's my favorite one.
- With Mike Epps?
- Yeah.
- Mike Epps, Cedric, and who else is on,
who are the girls?
- I don't know.
- Gabrielle Union.
- Gabrielle Union, wow.
- Yeah.
- Oh, we're watching this on the bus.
- We have to watch this on the bus.
We have to buy this on DVD and get it on the bus.
- I saw it already.
I saw it in 3D.
- What?
- Yeah.
- To the moon, Alice.
- Yeah, it was that and Avatar.
I stayed in the theater all day.
- That's it.
Just Honeymooners and Avatar.
- No, but the Moonies is a Korean Christian cult.
- Let me see the Moonies.
The Korean Christian cult, the Moonies.
- The leader has a crown on that's made out of bullets.
- I'm in, I'm in.
Moon is the man.
Look at this guy.
- Look at this guy.
- A crown of bullets.
There's no bullets here.
Bobby, what are you talking about?
Was this a fever dream you had?
- He looks like a Burger King crown.
- Yeah, he does.
- Oh, that's what it is.
You know, dude, I think it's a fever dream.
- Can you imagine if he got all this confidence
while he was working at a Burger King?
- I can rule the people.
And they're like, "Listen here, Moon.
You just rule the grill, okay?
You're not ruling anybody."
- Yeah, that hat looks like it's made out of paper.
- Yeah, it does.
It's a paper crown.
- Yeah.
- Boy, oh boy, is that a metaphor, huh?
For religion, a paper crown.
- Yeah, but anyway, they were huge in America as well.
And that's-
- Did you know any Mooners?
- No, but I tried to burn down the Korean church.
- Hell yeah, dude.
- Did I tell you about that?
- That's always a good thing to say into a microphone.
- Me and my cousin Andy, right?
- This is gonna sound like a lie, but it's not.
- Okay.
- And so we went to this Korean church growing up,
and one day, my uncle caught me and Andy
opening up the trunk of my mom's car.
And my dad had a gas, spare gas in there.
I was having it and a lighter,
and we're gonna burn down half of the fucking church.
- Why would you do that?
- We hated it, though.
- With nobody in it, though.
- I think so, yeah.
- Oh my God, oh my God.
I think so, yeah.
We were kids.
It's at the same time where I beat my grandmother
with the stick.
- Oh yeah, kid stuff.
- Yeah.
- Burn the church, beat the old lady, kid stuff.
- Well, she was paralyzed from neck down,
so she didn't feel anything.
- That's right.
I mean, what kind of stuff did you guys get into as kids?
I guess now that I think about it,
we got in trouble for spray painting.
We got caught for like graffiti.
- Yeah.
- But that wasn't burning down the church.
- But we didn't actually do it.
I think we were scared, but we had it, I don't know.
- You thought about it.
You went through the action of getting the gasoline, though.
- Yeah.
- That's a big step, too.
- Well, it's not as bad as like, you know,
shooting up a place.
- That's true.
- Hey, look at me.
- Right?
- That's right.
- I just look at the bright side of things.
- That's a bright side.
What did you do?
You weren't a bad kid.
- No, I would have friends like Bobby
that I'd be like so scared.
They'd be like, "Come on, we'll just burn the church down."
And I'd be like, "Please don't make me do it."
- But here's why.
- Well, here's why it's not that bad.
It's your own religion.
You weren't gonna burn, like it wasn't a hate crime,
'cause it's your own, it's like you wanted to burn down
the thing that you were connected to,
'cause you were mad about it.
- But not just that.
I was mad at the idea that, you know,
Korean parents view their children as trophies, right?
- So, you know, you would hear like at a party,
"My daughter Sue, she gets straight A, she go Haberd."
Right?
- She's getting harbored by somebody?
- No, she's going to Haberd.
- Haberd.
She's going to Habad?
- Habad, Harvard.
- Iran?
- Harvard.
- Oh, Harvard.
Got it.
- Yeah, I'm just saying the way they said it.
- I'm so sorry.
I thought you were saying Habad.
- I'll do it again, and I'll try to make it more.
- Go ahead.
- "My daughter Sue, she gets straight A,
she's going to Harvard."
- Does that feel better?
- That sounds great.
- Exactly.
- Yeah.
- And then my dad would be like, they would-
- But imagine a conversation if they did that.
- Yeah, yeah.
- "My daughter Sue, she's going to go to Dartmouth."
- It's like a movie dub, but they like,
didn't have enough money.
- Yeah.
- God, it's so funny.
- "We only have enough money for Harvard."
- So they what?
They show each other off, and the kids are trophies.
- And my parents never-
- Did you wear a consolation prize?
- What?
- You wear a consolation prize?
- Yeah, they would, no, I mean,
I think some Korean people thought I was dead.
- Because you didn't get talked about?
- No, I was never talked about.
- What about Steve?
- He, 'cause he got straight A's.
- He did?
- Oh yeah, my brother was,
my brother had Bible passages on his wall.
My brother's room, I swear to God,
looked like John Doe's room in Seven.
- Yeah.
- Like a red cross, black wall,
just like, it was weird.
- He was fully in.
- He was fully in Christianity.
- Wow.
- And then what happened is my brother lost state.
- Wrestling.
- My brother was ranked like four in the nation.
- Wow.
- As a wrestler.
And he went to state,
and I remember he just dropped the ball.
And I remember him,
it just, there was so much expectation,
and pressure, and he couldn't do it.
I mean, he was a great wrestler.
And I could, that day,
I remember seeing a switch in his eye,
and then he just became a pothead.
- Good switch.
- Yeah, it's a pretty good switch.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- So you didn't damage anything as a little kid?
- I remember being late,
like when we had a curfew, you know.
- Time out.
You remember being late?
- Well, it was bad because my mom was like,
be home at this time,
and I think it became like a habit,
like I just kept--
- How late?
- Like hours.
Like I would just disregard any rules.
- Oh, hours.
- You're a bad, bad girl.
- Wednesday night, midnight you come home?
- No, maybe like seven or eight,
but I was in like fourth grade,
third or fourth grade.
- Whoa, who are you?
What were you doing in third grade,
staying out till 9:00 p.m.?
- I was just riding my bike with my friend.
- Oh, hell yeah.
- We weren't doing nothing bad.
But I remember when I stopped,
'cause I came home and my mom and sister
set up the Christmas tree without me.
- Oh, was that the, that was the payback?
- That's how I would get punished.
It was like with guilt.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
- Did your parents ever give you the talk,
like what to do if like a van pulls up?
- I don't--
- Ready?
Two van guys.
Ooh.
Hey, what's going on?
- Hey, can you help us with this couch?
- Like lifting it?
- Don't bring it in as a--
- She's like nine.
- Yeah.
- What's she gonna do with this couch?
- She's just gonna lift it and put it in the van.
- You want some candy?
That's the original one.
- You never saw the signs of the lamp.
That's how we helped you.
- All right, let's start over.
- Ooh, oops.
- Hey, you want some candy?
- Yeah.
- We know your dad.
- You want some candy?
It's no sugar.
- Is this 2023?
- No, I don't know.
- Oh, the candy's vegan.
- It's vegan.
You know what I mean?
And, um, yeah.
And you'll want it.
- But you know my dad?
- I know your dad.
- Yeah, Cliff?
- That's not his name.
- That's his nickname.
- It is?
- Yeah.
- Oh, you guys must know him better than me.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Anyway, hey, come in the van.
- All right.
- All right.
- All right.
- All right.
- You wouldn't have done that.
- No.
- No.
- Yeah, yeah.
- No, but I remember one time we had this lake by my house
and I was hanging out with my friend there, Miranda.
She was a bad influence.
And we were probably breaking the curfew.
And this guy was fishing in the lake,
which now that I look back is weird
because I grew up in Tempe, Arizona.
- Mm-hmm.
- There's no fish in like-
- There's no fish in the Tempe Town Lake, no.
- The suburban lake.
- Yeah, it's disgusting.
- But he like gave me a frozen fish.
- What?
- And I brought it home to my mom.
She was like, "We're not eating that."
- Oh, really?
- You can't, you know, this is a,
you can't raise your kids in Phoenix.
It's just-
You just can't.
- You can't.
- I mean, lovely that you turned out so wonderful,
but man, weird.
- Either turn out like completely right wing.
- Yeah.
- Or Doug Stanhope.
- Yeah, or her.
- Or that.
- She's like, you're like our Doug Stanhope.
You're, what's a female?
You're like Debbie Stanhope.
You're like Debbie Stanhope.
I remember when we moved from the suburbs,
I mean, from the city to the suburbs,
and I'll never forget,
they were like finishing up a plate,
like a window that was above our front door,
like a little window above our front door, you know?
And the kids-
- I'm trying to visualize, slow down.
- Yeah.
- Say it again.
- There was a window above our front door, right?
Oh, I see.
So it's like, let me look.
I'm looking at the door.
- Yeah.
- And then I look up.
- Yeah, there's a what?
- There's a little like, is it like-
- It's big, it's a good size window.
- It's a, but for birds to peep?
- For birds to look in the house.
- Okay, okay.
- And a couple of kids in the neighborhood
threw a big rock through it,
and shattered it before we moved in.
Like before we were even out there.
And then we went to visit the house,
'cause the contractor was like,
kids broke in and did a bunch of damage to the house.
- Whoa.
- And I remember being inside the living room
and being so mad because I was like,
I do this stuff.
You don't do this to me.
- Ah.
- Like I was a little asshole.
I was like, oh, this is like the universe paying me back
for being a little troublemaker.
And I was like, ah, I'm gonna find out who did this.
I'm gonna kill those kids.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I'm not kidding.
I was so mad because I was like,
they broke into my mom and dad's new house.
'Cause this was our first house.
Like we would lived in apartments until then.
- Oh, in the city?
- In the city.
- Yeah.
- And then I was like, they fucked up my mom's first house.
- Oh, she bought it?
- Well, my mom and my stepdad did.
But I was like, this is the first time she lived in a home.
- Did you invest?
- Yeah, I invested.
I think I put in like-
- I need to know the details.
- 30 or 40 bucks.
- Yeah, dollars?
- Yeah, and I remember trying to find out who did it.
And then I found out who did it.
- Who was it?
- In the neighborhood.
- Let me guess.
- Guess his name.
Starts with a B.
- Oh, Bartholomew.
- That's right.
- Right, that's a name, right?
Bartholomew.
- Bartholomew.
- Bartholomew Simpson.
- Bartholomew J. Simpson.
- Yeah, good.
- He did it.
And then the guys that I found out that did that,
I became friends with.
- Of co