Name: Star Trek Dating Advice | Ep 167 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2023-05-22T16:00:28.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Star Trek Dating Advice | Ep 167 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Star Trek Dating Advice | Ep 167 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-22. Transcript available.

Star Trek Dating Advice | Ep 167 | Bad Friends

Hey, Bad Friends fans!
Baby, we're coming down to Florida.
Orlando, Jacksonville.
Orlando, Jacksonville, St. Petersburg, Hollywood.
We are coming to see you.
And then we come back to the West Coast
and we do two shows in Riverside
and then one in San Diego
before we head back to the East Coast.
But come out and see us in Florida.
Check us out!
Jacksonville, St. Petersburg, Hollywood, and Orlando.
Come see us.
Go to badfriendspod.com.
Badfriendspod.com!
You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
We want to give a shout-out to so many different people.
Look at this, Stardew Valley.
This is a Stardew Valley marriage pendant.
I'm going to give it to somebody one day.
Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.
No, no, no, not you, no.
Why? Why won't you marry me?
You have no puss-puss.
Yes, I do.
Yeah, but in the game, don't you marry guys?
You marry men in the game.
I've only married one guy.
What? What's his name?
Elliot.
What's up?
What's up, Ellie?
What's up, Ellie, bro?
And then show the Stardew star that you got from somebody.
What does that mean?
Someone said that's important too.
This is a star drop.
Oh, star drop.
Yeah, yeah.
And it enhances your energy.
And the young lady that gave it to you said it does what?
You don't remember.
This is my favorite part, is testing him about the gifts.
What did she say?
It does what?
Something special.
Yeah, I just told you.
No, it does something in, it does something practical in the real world.
Oh, it does?
Yeah.
Oh, it's a water weight.
Nope.
Oh, it's a water weight.
Water weight, yeah.
Paper weight, I mean.
Paper weight.
It changes.
It's a paper weight.
It changes color.
It's a mood.
It's a mood.
It's got that mood ring thing inside of it.
Where?
So when you hold it with your hands, it'll change color.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, that's right.
Oh, let's see what kind of mood you're in.
And then we'll know.
Oh, gray.
You're gray forever.
Yeah, I'm gray forever.
And then we got these from a soldier, which I want to say thank you to.
He gave us these penance.
Semper Fi.
So disrespectful.
What, that Semper Fi is a thing?
That's good, right?
Yeah, but you don't, this kid was in the army.
Yeah.
Flower power.
The army is.
I'm the guy that puts the flower in the fucking muzzle.
Hell yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
No, I don't do that.
No, no, no.
I put poo in there.
But my point is, is this.
Thank you for having me and good to be back.
It's good to be back here in the studio.
Another thing is.
Also, shout out to all the Navajos.
Shout out to all the natives that showed up, but mostly Navajo.
Navajo is the best one.
That's what they said, though.
We signed more Navajo.
No, they did say Navajo.
They said was like.
They said they were like the Japanese.
That's right.
Yeah, yeah.
In terms of the natives.
They said Navajo is top.
We had more Navajoians come out.
So shout out to my Navajos.
Yeah.
That came out.
And my Navabros.
Which one's the one from the last of the Mohicans?
They're my favorite kind.
I have no idea.
The ones with the white and the scalp.
They all do that?
I think it's a universal thing.
Oh.
I think.
Is scalping like a universal thing that native people do?
Yeah.
That's the.
How about dancing?
Two.
Okay.
Who's the best?
Is it.
They don't dance?
Is it the darker the Native American, the better dancer they are?
Probably.
Yeah, yeah.
If they go to the lighter skin natives, are they just shitty dancers?
Yeah.
And they found turntables with the darker ones and teepees.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Yeah, yeah.
Rainmaker.
Welcome back, guys.
And Rainmaker.
Oh, another thing is I wanted, before I forgot, when we're on the road, Juice,
do not make
fun of my dating style and the way I converse with, you know what I mean, the
ladies.
Okay, I know what you're referencing.
Yeah, the tee shop.
Go ahead and say it.
Don't mock me when I'm doing my style.
Where was the tee shop?
In.
It was in Spokane, Washington.
Spokane, Washington.
I went there with Jessica.
Beautiful girl.
Yeah, looked just like Kalilah.
Can I say that?
Oh, my God.
Oh, no.
She did look identical to Kalilah.
Yeah, I know.
He has a type.
I have a type.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Identical.
Yeah.
Beautiful.
Malilah.
What was her name?
Malilah.
Malilah.
Malilah.
Yeah.
So, Malilah and you had some tea.
I like halfies.
You know, mixed in with a little Andrew.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah.
Me and Andrew.
So, wait a minute.
You went to go have some tea with Malilah.
What happened?
They're hitting it off.
Fireworks.
No, I'm not hitting nothing off.
I thought so.
There was some chemistry.
She is.
What I liked about her, too.
She's hot, but then she's also good at, like, breaking the ice.
Yeah.
So, she started the conversation.
So, I'm like, oh, hello, baby.
What did she say?
Hello.
Oh, that's hot.
Dude, when they say hello, that's nuts.
That's all it takes.
When they say hello, oh, my God.
That gets my engine running.
Yeah, yeah.
When she said hello, you could hear this.
That's two squirts of cum.
You're a little squirty, squirty?
Yeah.
And I heard it back from her, too, if I'm being honest.
Oh, really?
Yeah, they're going back and forth.
And then out of nowhere, Bobby, like, they're really hitting it up.
Just in nude conversation, go ahead.
And he goes, the thing I like about Star Trek is how much dilithium crystals
there are.
And I'm like, dude.
And you can hear her go.
She literally left to go stock items.
She walked away from the conversation.
Yeah, that all the way.
I got real dry and tight.
That noise all the way to Star Trek.
I started going to delithium crystals and then, like, Jeffrey's tubes.
And you're looking at me like, you're trying to shake your head like, stop,
stop, stop.
But it didn't stop.
Did she ever say that she likes Star Trek?
No.
Well, why?
Because I always segue into that.
All right.
We're on a date.
You and I are on a date.
Yeah.
Hi.
Thanks for coming to have tea with me in Spokane.
It's rainy.
Let me guess.
Your name is Malilah.
I mean.
Hello.
Hi.
You're half gook.
Hi.
Can you say half gook?
Sure.
Yeah, yeah.
You're half, you know.
I'm goo.
You're goo.
Yeah.
Anyway, what's up?
You good?
You beautiful tea.
Yeah, thanks.
Oh, I know why.
I know why.
Okay.
I know why.
Yeah, you fucked up this whole date already.
No, I already know how it started.
Now, in the conversation, I know why I brought it up.
Go ahead.
Can I have Earl Grey?
Oh, yeah.
I'll get you some Earl Grey tea.
You know who else drinks Earl Grey?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Who?
Jean-Luc Picard.
He likes Earl Grey.
Yeah.
Is that a friend of yours?
No, that's Star Trek Next Generation, one of my favorite shows.
And then.
Okay, $4.95, please.
I know, but the dilapidating crystals, you go put in the warp engine.
Here it is.
Take off.
Thank you.
Bye.
We're closed.
Really?
Yeah.
So, that's how it started.
That's how it ended, too.
I know.
Well, yeah.
She was stocking items in dry storage.
Is this me?
She was stocking items in dry storage.
Yeah, she was.
We packed up our tea and left.
Yeah.
But you know what?
How did you fuck that up?
Because apparently she was into you.
I think I fuck everything up.
You don't fuck everything up.
Well, in terms of the right now, I don't know how to do the ladies.
So, I take a break.
Let's coach you through how to do the ladies.
I don't want it, I think.
Oh, okay.
Because this guy right here.
No, don't shake your head, man.
Casanova, dude.
Oh, Casanova.
I don't know what that song.
Casanova.
Casanova, bro.
What did I do?
You know, there's a song.
Every city we go to, he's got a new lady.
Yeah.
I see him in the mornings.
He walks downstairs and is, you know, on the elevator or whatever or with a new
lady around
his arms.
And I'm always with my backpack and my...
Stardew Valley.
Stardew Valley.
I got to play you a song.
We're probably going to have to take it out because of, you know.
But this is literally his entire life.
Look at this.
Tell me this isn't him.
This is an old song.
Got a pretty senorita waiting for me down in old Mexico.
By the way, this song gets more and more racist as you listen to it.
He literally is like, got a little ching-ching-chong.
He really does.
I swear to God.
Wow.
He goes ham.
Ricky Nelson goes hard in that.
But he's got girls in every city and every place he goes.
And now your name is Ricky Nelson.
Okay.
Ricky, Ricky.
That's Ricky.
You're Ricky, Ricky.
You're Ricky, Ricky.
But in the song, so he made love to an Eskimo woman?
He has a...
I don't know.
I don't really...
And he says she keeps you warm in her igloo.
That's what he said.
Right.
So he goes all of...
He said...
How about...
He says...
Mongolians.
I leave her coated in glue while she kept me warm in her in glue.
Whoa.
I didn't even hear that part.
Yeah, that was in there.
So he'll go Eskimo.
Ricky, Ricky goes everywhere, baby.
Ricky, Ricky doesn't discern.
But anyway, you know how like in cartoons, the eyes, if someone's dead, they
put X's?
Yeah.
Your eyes had fucking fingers looking at me.
At you like this.
Middle fingers?
Yeah, like fuck you.
Yeah.
No way.
Every time you do it, you say fuck you to your boss.
That's right.
I want to...
I want to what?
I want to hold your hand.
I want...
What?
What happened with those girls in Portland?
You had like four girls with you.
Oh, yeah.
And you left with all four.
Yeah.
And then I asked, what happened?
And you were like, oh, nothing.
I'm back in the room.
But you had like a lot of girls with you.
Five.
I was actually up on the fire escape and I saw you birding around on your
scooter around town.
Alone?
Alone.
No, he wasn't alone.
He took them to the Enterprise.
Well, one time...
At 140, he wasn't alone.
One time...
Jesus.
In Phoenix, I almost crashed my fucking scooter because of you.
Because of me?
Oh, because...
I was scooting around and it was her in the car.
In the car and I saw a wild Bobby.
Yeah, a wild Bobby was going around.
When you see a wild Bobby, dude, you got to take a photo.
Better than looking at Bigfoot.
It's really exciting.
I took a scooter with my cousin to get a burrito at two in the morning that
last night in Phoenix.
Yeah.
And we went down to South Phoenix and she knows.
Filibertos?
Not so good.
Yeah, we went to Filibertos.
Hell yeah.
But honestly, dude, he was like, where is this?
I was like, it's not bad.
It's down the road.
We got halfway down the street and it was like six cop cars, people screaming
at us.
I know why you went to Filibertos.
Because when you went to school there, that was good.
And then now as an adult, because you have money and you've eaten good Mexican
food, it was terrible.
It's terrible.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm the same.
Because we had one in Poway called Albertos.
Yeah, Albertos.
Yeah, I know that.
And I drove from LA all the way to probably two and a half hours just to eat it.
Not worth it.
And I had a stomach ache.
I'm not joking when I say this.
This isn't like for the sake of the show.
Yeah.
That night, woke up at 4.30, had to go to the bathroom.
Woke up to catch my flight, went to the bathroom in the hotel, went to the
bathroom at the airport,
went to the bathroom on the plane, got home, went to the bathroom.
And I genuinely called my cousin Luke and I was like, are you okay?
He's like, absolutely not.
He's like, dude, I'm in so much pain.
He was in my stomach.
What did you eat?
A California burrito.
Of course.
It's my favorite, dude.
I know.
French fries, avocado, cheese, sour cream, carne asada, pico de gallo.
And you pour that salsa.
They make homemade salsa down there.
But I got to tell you, that carne asada was something off the side of the road.
Right.
It was roadkill.
It was rumbly bumbly in the tumbly.
Even as we were on the scooter, every bump, I was like, whoa, whoa.
Oh, boy.
Yeah.
That's a bad idea, I feel like.
Yeah, I like the taquitos from Albertos.
Oh, yeah.
So good.
With the guacamole on top.
Yeah.
But what I realized is that, because that was the first time I ever had guacam