Name: Twinkies with Dad ft. Bert Kreischer | Ep 168 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2023-05-29T16:00:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Twinkies with Dad ft. Bert Kreischer | Ep 168 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Twinkies with Dad ft. Bert Kreischer | Ep 168 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-29. Transcript available.

Twinkies with Dad ft. Bert Kreischer | Ep 168 | Bad Friends

- You two are bad friends.
- Who are these two idiots?
- A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
- You two are something.
- We're bad friends.
- Uh-oh.
- Uh-oh, Spaghetti-o!
- You ready to go, are you ready to go?
- The machine to come, you're in the blue one,
in the blue one, take a seat.
- Wow.
- Dude, where do you even get something?
- Wow, dude.
- I'm a movie star now, Bobby.
- Wow.
- You know what, get the guy.
- Ladies and gentlemen, it's the machine.
- It's fancy.
- I'm allowing myself to have the best day of my life.
- You're having the best day of your life
'cause you deserve it, baby boy.
And you know what?
- Buddy, buddy, buddy, I'm gonna get emotional.
- Don't get emotional, don't cry.
- Don't cry up front.
- He's crying already?
Oh, you prince.
- It has been amazing.
- You deserve it.
- This has been the best day of my life.
The best day of my life.
- You wanna put your cans on or no?
- I don't wanna.
- Don't.
Well, you know what, Bert?
- In a celebration of your movie, Bobby and I wanted to,
we figured you'd needed a drink.
I know you brought Bud Light.
- Please tell me.
- You want a drink?
- Yes, I do.
Yes, I do.
- We figured you needed something to drink.
- Yeah.
- We're doing an anal jug?
'Cause I'm in.
- Colonoscopy.
There we go, some ice.
- Ice.
- Just a little bit of ice for you there.
- Yeah.
- And what do you want?
What do you want with it?
Just a little bit of vodka?
A little bit of vodka.
Oh, what is this?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Is that good vodka?
- I don't know.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- It doesn't matter.
We have to let this out.
- I mean, I gotta take 7-11 forever, yeah.
- I'm pretty sure it's good.
- Yeah, I do.
- Now, do you want, what do you want with it, though?
I've got ginger beer.
I have a little bit of starry.
You want lemon-lime soda?
- Lemon-lime soda would be awesome.
- Yeah, yeah, that's cool.
- And do you want ginger beer at all or no?
- No, no, no, no.
Just a little soda.
- Just a little soda.
- Just a little bit.
- How about Korean pee?
Just a little bit.
- Yeah, a little Korean pee.
A little PMP.
- Yeah, in Korea, that's how we do it.
- I gotta tell you, Burt,
while this is making for you,
we had the best time last night.
It's genuine.
I'm genuine when I said this.
I hugged you tight.
It's such a great, funny movie.
It's so good for comedy.
We're so proud of you.
We're so happy for the machine, baby.
- Thank you, thank you.
- We're happy for the machine.
- Thank you, it was so good seeing all my friends.
Bobby, where were you?
- I was there.
- You were there?
- It was so good, it was so good.
When I was in the theater, I was going,
I go, this not only, this movie is a franchise.
- Yeah, how did you feel about it?
- I felt like moved.
I was crying and then I got exhilarated.
- Where were you sitting?
Where were your seats?
- In the box seats.
- In the box seats?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
With your grandparents, dude.
It was fucking so good, dude.
That was sick.
And the after party, the dancing.
- Where was the after party at?
- The W Hotel, dude.
Of course, was I not there?
- You were there.
- I wasn't there.
- Shit, I thought it was Roy Choi.
- I wasn't there.
- I came up and I gave Roy Choi a hug and said,
"Bobby, it's so good to see you."
- Burt, I went, ask him.
I went, I couldn't find parking.
- He couldn't.
- That's a lie.
- I swear to God.
- No, Bobby's the king of this.
- No, no, no, but you know what, Burt?
I'll be honest, I'll be genuine.
He texted me and goes, "I'm on my way."
- I was panicking.
- And I said, "Dude, do you want me to pick you up?"
And he goes, "I'm taking a nap."
It was four o'clock.
I go, "Okay, okay."
That's what I said, "Okay, I love ya."
And then I hung up and then he texted me.
We sat in the seats and then he goes, "I'm here."
And I said, "Great, where?"
And he goes, "Looking for parking."
I pin dropped him the three parking garages on Gailey.
This guy goes, "I can't find it.
I'm going home."
- For real?
- Yeah, but can I say this though?
- What?
- And this is gonna make you feel so good, okay?
- Please.
- When I was at the comedy store that night
and I felt guilty.
- Please.
- He comes in, privately and he looks at me privately.
He goes, "Can I be honest with you?"
I go, "Yeah."
He goes, "That movie was so fucking good.
It's good for comedy."
- Dude, it was so good.
- And he did it secretly without people listening.
So I was like, you know what?
'Cause he never gives compliments.
- Matt, what the fuck are you talking?
Yes, I do.
Don't do that.
- Do what?
- I give compliments.
- But you saved them.
You don't like throw them out like jelly beans.
- But then it makes it worth it.
Then they really matter.
- Yeah, I don't know why jelly beans,
but what I'm saying is,
you know how people give away jelly beans for free?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.
Ronald Reagan.
- Yeah, Ronald Reagan did it, right?
So my point is that he said it privately,
and he goes, "This is good for comedy.
This is good for everybody."
And I thought to myself,
"Wow, it must be really good,
and this is gonna blow up,
and you're gonna be at a different level.
Congratulations."
- It's beautiful.
- Thank you, buddy.
I appreciate this cocktail.
- I started drinking the second I woke up this morning.
- God bless, dude.
- You deserve it.
- You deserve it.
- You know what, man?
I had a night last night,
and my wife has a saying,
earn your Mondays, right?
Me and my wife.
- Can I say it how she says it?
- Earn your Mondays.
Earn your Mondays.
- Is she Cajun now?
- She's gotta raise it.
Yeah, I'm fucking pretty hammered.
Earn your Mondays.
- Earn your Mondays, Bert.
- Earn your Mondays.
- Earn your Mondays.
- And Amy Schumer, she earned her Monday.
She earned her Monday.
That fucking, that movie was good.
I don't care what you say.
Trainwreck was a good movie,
and she earned her Monday.
And I went, and it's true.
It's like, you do all the hard work
to get through the weekend.
As comics, we know what that feels like.
And then on Monday, when you get on the airplane,
you get a little break, right?
- Yeah.
- I love that feeling.
And I woke up this morning, and it's not Monday yet.
We haven't gotten numbers in.
Who knows?
I mean, when this airs, it will be.
But I was like, fuck it.
I don't give a fuck.
I earned my Monday.
- You did.
- I earned my Monday, dude.
- You earned it, you really did.
- I busted my ass, I almost lost my arm for it.
Like, and Andrew, Bobby, I wish you could've been there.
Andrew, your compliment to me yesterday was so heartfelt.
The fucking beautiful thing
about this goddamn comedy community
is I got compliments from dudes I really respect.
Like, you know how we are.
Like, we really respect.
- Yeah.
- And I had one of the best nights of my entire life.
I had maybe the best night of my entire life.
The red carpet was next level.
- So much fun.
- It was.
- Dude, I threw axes.
We did putt-putt.
We did flip cup.
- I feel like I'm sucking a cock.
So hard to get this in my throat.
- Come on, baby.
Suck, suck, suck, suck, suck, suck, suck, suck, suck, suck, suck,
suck, suck, suck, suck, suck.
How's it taste?
- It's not the best.
- What does it need?
- Salt.
Don't you put salt in margaritas?
- Maybe a ginger beer or something?
- No, a little less, a little less asbestos.
It's a-
- I'm gonna sit in here, I'm gonna sip on a Bud Light
as I sip on this.
- Yeah, there's MSG in it, 'cause I wanted to-
- By the way, this chair's deflating.
Is anyone noticing this?
I'm gonna be sitting on the floor still here.
It's getting shorter and shorter.
- What did you do to our chair, dude?
You fucked up our chair, dude.
- Those are brand new chairs.
We just bought them.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Look at how small this chair is.
It's falling apart.
I'm gonna sit, criss-cross applesauce.
- Dude, you're earning your Monday right now.
- I'm earning my fucking Monday.
- Go in the pink one then.
- Oh yeah, the pink one, I'll do it.
Let's see if you break that one.
- That's what it is.
It's not that I'm fucking fat as fuck,
and you couldn't afford a budget to get goddamn chairs
from Ashley's furniture!
- That's from her sister.
That's Joanne.
- That's Joanne.
- That's Joanne.
- Scoot over to the pink one.
We'll get you on the pink one.
No, you know what?
Stay.
No, let him stay.
This is fun.
- Yeah, this, let it happen.
- Are you comfortable like that?
- Not bad.
- All right, good.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- We'll get you on the pink one.
- No, you know what?
Stay.
- I can't get out.
- No, let him stay.
This is fun.
- Yeah, let it happen.
- Are you comfortable like that?
- Not bad.
- All right, good.
- Okay.
- Not bad.
- Can I say something about your wife?
- Yes.
- I've never met somebody so mindful and generous.
Aileen, is that her name?
- Aileen.
- Aileen?
- Aileen, yeah.
- It's Leanne.
- Okay, dude, it's Aileen.
- Leanne I met.
- You're combining Aila and Leanne together.
- Okay.
- You're taking all of my bits
and turning them into one.
You know the time the Russian mafia
farted on your chin during oral sex?
- Yeah.
- It's all my bits, yeah.
- She sends me over the years.
- Buddy, she loves you.
- Knives.
- She loves you.
- She sent me gifts.
- She's always calling me.
- She texted me today as we're driving here
and she goes, "If Bobby wants to do any fully loaded dates,
the offers still open."
- I want to do them.
- Well, then come do them.
- You know you don't, you lying .
You don't.
You don't.
And look, I know you guys listen to this podcast.
Andrew, are you doing fully loaded dates?
- A hundred percent, I am.
- You know how that works?
I send you an offer and then you said-
- And I said, "Yep, I'll be there."
- And then you know how Bobby works?
I never got that offer.
I never got that offer.
I never got that offer.
- Call him out.
- Oh, I never got that offer.
- Finally.
- Call me out.
- Bobby, you are the fucking-
- I'm the best.
- Hang on.
- I'm the best.
- You're my favorite, you're my favorite.
- Can I say something?
I'm your favorite neighborhood gook.
- Hey, slow down.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Slow down.
Do it slow.
Do it slow.
Now go.
- I'm your favorite friendly neighborhood gook.
- There it is.
- Can we say that or no?
- Yeah, you can.
- You can definitely say it.
- I want to say this, okay?
Here's what happens.
- Oh, I know what happens.
You don't have to tell me.
- No, because I have to tell.
I feel like I do have to tell you.
- Okay, go ahead.
I want to hear your version.
- There's no version.
There's the truth and not the truth.
- Okay, I want to hear what your middle ground is.
- We're not doing this fucking QAnon bullshit.
- What?
- You know how things get rumored and like there's conspiracy theories.
- This is not Q.
- Oh, fucking Captain Reddit over here.
- Yeah, what's going on?
- I'm Captain Reddit right now.
- Okay.
- All right.
It's so funny.
- Capiton redditor.
- No, that's not what I said.
- Go ahead and do it.
- Here's what happens, okay?
- Okay, I want to hear it.
- Is it, I get a call from my, the Jews.
- Is Edinburgh Jewish?
- Yeah, yeah.
- My agents, my agents.
- He's half.
- Yeah, and they go, you got this offer,
but you know what I mean?
This and this and that.
And they somehow talked me out of it.
- Yeah, I know.
- Right?
And I'm like, and I should stick up for myself.
- When you say they talked you out of it,
do you mean they asked you want to do this?
And you said, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't.
- Number one, you had that yacht party.
I wanted to do the yacht party.
- It's called a cruise.
- Yeah, it's a cruise.
- And it's sold out in 24 hours.
- I know.
- I wanted to do it.
- And by the way, by the way, we were offering you,
like just so we're, if we're, I don't really give a fuck anymore.
- Do it.
- I don't give a fuck.
Bobby was my first go-to.
He was my first go-to for that.
- What'd you do?
- And immediately he said no.
Now listen, I'll tell you how someone says no.
Tim Dillon.
Shout out to Tim Dillon.
- Yeah.
- He said yes.
We signed it on.
And then he goes, I can't do it.
But he called me and said,
Hey 