Name: Aoki's Science Corner | Ep 176 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2023-07-24T16:00:18.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Aoki's Science Corner | Ep 176 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Aoki's Science Corner | Ep 176 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-24. Transcript available.

Aoki's Science Corner | Ep 176 | Bad Friends

- You two are bad friends.
- Who are these two idiots?
- A white dude and an Asian dude.
- You two are disgusting.
- Well, you two are something.
- We're bad friends.
- You know what I have to call it back in Spain?
- Okay, all right, let me say something, all right?
You don't open the episode.
I know what you're trying to do, you're funny.
- Off the episode.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, no.
- He really, and here's the deal.
First of all, we're back.
- We're back, we're back in fire, I'm fire.
- And it's back to the OG days.
- OGG.
- It's me and Bob and Fancy brought
a sub, a substitute Asian, a spasian.
- A spasian.
- And she's back, the Liz is back.
- What's her name?
- Lizzie Nguyen.
- Lizzie Nguyen, that's her name?
I love it.
- Lizzie Nguyen is in the house.
Does anybody ever call you Lizzie?
- Yeah.
- They do.
- 'Cause I go by like DJ Lizzie Liz and they're like,
what's up Lizzie? - You're not a DJ.
- I'm not a DJ.
- No, what would she play if she was a DJ?
- What do you mean?
- What kind of song? - Steve Aoki.
- She only?
- Yeah, she is Steve Aoki.
- Oh no, you kind of look like him.
- Yeah, you look like Steve Aoki.
- Is your new nickname Aoki?
- Aoki's in town, what's up?
He does that too when he waves.
- Yes.
- Thank you for coming to the show.
- In Vegas, I've seen him do that.
- Speaking of great Asian moves in Vegas,
I want you to Google, that looks exactly like you.
- No.
- There you are, Liz.
- No, your name's not Liz, it's Aoki.
- Aoki, there you are.
- I'm not claiming that.
- Hey, that headshot, can you hook me up with that photographer?
That was pretty cool.
- I got you.
- Yeah, I got you.
- Hey, look up Asian poker player boob falls out.
This girl named Sashimi.
- That's not her name.
- She goes by Sashimi.
- Her name, not Sashimi.
- Her name is Sashimi.
Look, click on it.
What is her name?
- What's her name?
- Click on one of the links and see.
One of her boobs fell out during the-
- Is her last name Spring Roll?
I mean, Sashimi Spring, look at her.
- Okay, that's not the photo.
- I have a big pair.
- Look, it says wardrobe malfunction.
One of her boobs fell out of her shirt during the poker game.
But what does it say her name is?
- Sashimi.
- No, Sashimi.
- Oh.
- Aren't you Asian?
- I am.
- What kind did we get?
- She's not real.
- This is not a good one.
- You have Asian parents or were you adopted?
- I have Asian parents.
- Both of them?
- Yes.
- Are you sure?
- I was, I have two Asian parents.
I was raised by an Asian grandmother.
- So you should be really up to date.
- Super Asian.
- This is like when you do a software update on your computer.
It's like, you should be really, this should be,
we should be running at the highest.
That's it right there.
- Okay.
- So one of her tits just fell out at the poker table.
- Oh dude, I thought you said, I thought you meant
it fell off her body.
And it, so I'm like, what the fuck is it?
Cause I thought she had like a, you know, implant
and it came out or what did it come?
Oh, it just came out?
- No, but look though.
And this guy, this poor bastard, look at this idiot
trying so hard to not look at her tip.
- Poker face.
- Yeah, poker face, poke her face.
- Yeah.
- Pretty good.
Yeah, pretty good fancy.
- That was pretty good.
- Look at that sashimi raised to 3000.
- Yeah.
- And 5,000 per tit.
- Yeah.
- Pretty incredible.
It's a good move.
- But how do you know this?
- Huh?
The world series of poker is going on right now.
- You watch this?
- Nah, but it just made the news.
- Oh, it did?
- So a friend told me about it.
He was like, did you see this video on the internet?
- They thought that maybe you were a fan of sashimi.
- I do like sashimi.
- Yeah.
- I love it.
I like nigiri just as much.
- Nigiri's pretty good.
- Nigiri got kicked out of the tournament quickly.
- Nigiri?
- Yeah, sashimi is gonna last way longer than nigiri is.
Have you ever seen the card trickery of omakase?
Do you know him?
You don't know what's coming.
That's the best part about it.
All right, we'll be right back after sushi jokes.
Should we do some sushi jokes?
- I wanna say something about sushi.
- Why do they say to you "Ashamase"?
What does that mean?
- Ashamase?
- When you walk into a sushi joint,
they go, "Ashamase," they did it on--
- They think that that's your name.
- They think my name is Ashamase.
- Yeah, 'cause I've never heard that before.
- Yes, you have.
- Nah.
- Ashamase.
- They think your name is Ashamase.
- Then why do I say it back?
That'd be like--
- They think that you're like Turetzi or I don't know.
- Wow.
- Yeah, yeah.
- That's like them going, "Andrew!"
- "Andrew!"
- Yeah, that's what they think.
- "Ashamase," what does it mean?
You guys know?
You know what that is.
They did it on "Curb Your Enthusiasm," an episode.
- I don't know what it means,
but can we talk about eel sauce?
- What about it?
- Why do they even use it?
It's for white people.
- Whites don't like it.
I don't like it.
- What?
Dude, bro, you can't go to Japan and go,
"Hey, can I have eel sauce?"
- No, I would never do that.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm just saying, I don't know.
But what I'm saying is that,
I don't know anybody likes it, right?
And yet, if you get a crispy rice with tuna,
you have to say, "Does that come with eel sauce?"
And they go, "Oh, yeah, they do it."
- Yeah, of course.
- Yeah, no then.
- Get it off.
- And they're like, "Well, I'm not."
- 'Cause no one, you know why they give it to us?
- Why?
- 'Cause they don't eat it over there.
They ship it to America,
and they're like, "Maybe eat here."
- Yeah.
- They think we're gonna eat all of it.
- Is it eel?
- It's eel, what is eel sauce?
- You know what, let's guess before we look.
- I think if they made sunshine cream.
If it was sunshine cream, I would eat it,
but eel sauce.
- I think it's eel tears.
Thickened and sweetened soy sauce is perfect for dipping.
It's also unagi sauce.
- Yeah.
- So it's thickened sweet sauce by using what?
- It doesn't have any eel products.
- No.
- Oh, it's like Panda Express.
- Oh, shit.
- You know, you go to Panda Express,
"Can I have the panda?"
and they don't have it because it's just the name.
- It's just sake, mirin, sugar, and soy sauce.
- Yeah, it's a lie.
- No, it feels like there's eel in there.
- No.
- There's no eel?
- No, I don't think so.
- Why do they call it eel sauce?
- I think it's, I used to work at a pokey place
and they always, you know,
they always dress the eel in that sauce.
- They always dress the eel in that sauce.
- Yeah, it's like associating.
And so they're like eel sauce.
- It's like saying the steak sauce.
- Yeah, there you go.
- I don't like this at all.
Whatever's going on up in that booth right today,
don't stop looking at each other.
- It's like saying meerkat gravy.
- Yeah.
- What's in this?
I'm just gravy, man.
- I like gravy.
I like meerkat.
I don't like meerkat gravy.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Get him out of here.
- Just change the name.
- What's the thing you won't eat at a sushi place?
Refuse.
- You know, like something that I get all the time,
but every time I eat it,
it fucks my stomach up.
And I always go, why did you get that?
- Ooni?
- What?
- Soft shell crab.
- Oh, dude, I do not like soft shell crab.
- Yeah, and then the fucking,
is it that soft too?
- Uh-uh, pretty hard.
- Because the fucking shit gets in between your teeth?
Two days later you have,
oh, there's the skin of the soft shell.
- Oh, look at that.
- Sebastian, there's little Sebastian from the sea.
- Right, listen, well, first of all,
as a crab, grow thicker fucking skin.
- Yeah, come on, man.
- What kind of fuck?
Were you walking around with no skin?
I'm still, be honest.
You grow like the regular crabs of fucking armor,
but they're just, you know what they are?
Are they the case?
- Yeah, they are, that's soft shells.
- Are they the case?
- Hey, get out of here.
Hey, get out of here.
- Yeah, maybe the gay crabs, dude.
- Back up. - Back up.
- Get out of here.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can eat me.
- Now is there a trans crab that was soft shell,
but it went hard shell?
- I refuse to go there, I refuse to go there.
- Did he go soft shell to hard shell?
Is there trans crabs?
- Oh yeah.
- Trans crabs lives matter.
Did he go soft shell to hard shell
or hard shell to soft shell?
- Well, I think soft shell to hard shell,
I think that you could do both,
but if you're soft shell, right,
you can go to the surgeon and just add.
- Add layers.
- Add layers, and then as a,
you know what I mean, a regular crab.
- Hard shell crab, don't say regular.
- I figured.
- Yeah.
- As a hard shell crab.
- As a regular, a hard, what is it, what is it?
- A hard shell crab.
- As a hard shell,
I think that's a painful operation.
- It's gotta be. - Take off the skin.
- Right.
Well, you're also removing,
or you could tuck,
you could tuck some of the,
you could tuck some of the hardness.
You don't have to pull it off.
- Right.
- It's a choice.
- Can I ask you another question?
- Please.
- Do they have penises and vaginas?
- Do crabs have penises and vaginas?
- I know, I, every time, I know,
I think the reason why this podcast is so low,
- Yeah.
- Is because of me.
- What are you talking about?
- I always go,
because these are things that I question in my own mind.
- But this is a fine thought.
This is a,
- Yeah, it's science.
- First of all, this is science and biology.
- We're doing science right now.
- Oh my gosh, we like pulled up a study.
- No, you can't pull up a study.
You gotta pull up something a little bit simpler than that,
Aoki.
- Let's see.
- Aoki, Aoki, Aoki.
- By the way, pubic lice popped up.
- I know, I don't know.
- I knew a guy in college that had pubic lice.
- What is it?
- It's lice in your pubes.
You know what lice is?
Like little tiny.
- I know what lice is.
- And he got pubic lice.
- But why do they call it pubic?
I mean, he's just a traveler.
- No.
- Yeah, the lice just went from the head to the pubic.
You gotta change his name?
He's just like a Magellan lice.
- That's so funny.
- He's a traveler.
- What about butt hair lice?
- Exactly, my point is it's all lice.
- Don't discriminate.
All lice lives matter.
- Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
The lice, right, usually resides on one's head.
And if they're a voyager,
and they're like the lower croft of, you know what I mean?
- You know what it is.
- What is it?
- They're Jewish lice because they like the curly hair.
- Right.
- They're sick of this hair.
They go, "Let's get curly."
- And then they go down there and they go,
"This is our land."
- And they build a wall.
- Little crabs and warts or whatever.
This is our land, it's our holy land.
- And there is a small population of lice.
They're not, there's only a small percentage left.
- Yeah.
And then the fucking little crabs, right?
Are in the fucking, the strip.
- Yeah, they're in the strip crabs.
- Which is the taint.
- Right.
- Right, right, right.
- We don't want to be at the strip.
- Zoom in, what is it?
- So we do religious, we do religious humor here too.
- We do.
Under the flap of the male, they have two penises, Bob.
- No.
- Left and right.
- Those are his arms.
- No, it says he has a left and a right penis.
- Whoa, dude.
- He gets a pick?
- Imagine if you got to choose what dick you were gonna use that day.
But here was the deal, one of your dicks was super long but very skinny and the
other one
was really thick but very short.
- Liz, have you ever had a micro penis?
- No, I've never.
- Never seen a micro penis?
- Never seen a micro, are you gonna make me look up?
- Do you have a boyfriend?
- I have a husband.
- You're married.
- Married.
- What is his penis like?
- No, I'm not gonna say that.
- I bet it's great.
- You could just lie.
- I've never seen a back.
- You could just lie.
It's very large and we could have moved on.
- Yeah, we could have moved on.
- Yeah, but by you saying, "Oh, I'm not gonna say that" means micro penis.
- No, I was just told you I've never seen a micro penis.
- Mr. Aoki has a small micro penis.
- Oh my goodness.
- You've never seen one, but h