Name: Two Nuts in Cohoots | Ep 178 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2023-08-07T16:00:25.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Two Nuts in Cohoots | Ep 178 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-08-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Two Nuts in Cohoots | Ep 178 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-08-07. Transcript available.

Two Nuts in Cohoots | Ep 178 | Bad Friends

Hey, hey, hey, hey, y'all.
Hey.
We're launching a Patreon.
That's right, patreon.com slash badfriends.
And you get more than more.
You get more than more.
Not only do you get the episode on Friday instead of Monday,
you get it Friday.
Ad free.
Ad free.
So you get the episode ad free on Friday instead of on Monday,
and you get extras.
Bonus content.
And, you know, weird stuff.
Like this.
The Bad Friends court is now in session.
Honorable Judge Bobby Lee
and Honorable Judge Andrew Santino presided by.
Let's hear it.
Hear it, hear it, hear it.
Daniel Ortiz versus his brother.
He wants to take his brother to court because of dog support.
We need a better reader.
We need a better reader.
We need someone that speaks English.
Mama Mia claims that Tony Sertoria employees broke into her restaurant
and stole her secret recipe for the legendary perfect pizza.
Whoa.
Pizza gate!
Pizza gate!
We know the secret sauce on the count of three.
One, two, three.
Hello?
Hello?
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
There we go, I got speaker.
Hello?
Holy.
Alex!
You're over with the Bad Friends!
Hola, que tal?
You have to press one.
Yo, Santino, what's up, man?
What's up, dude?
You're on the involved.
He's too cool.
Next!
Regan Snack.
Goody up there in Canada.
Take a couple of pucks in her slit, eh?
Are you Mormon?
Yeah!
That's great, man!
I usually just listen to podcasts, but yeah, I put back in at my phone to see
it.
I got hit by a truck.
How thick is it?
How thick is it?
Nobody f***ing cares.
My fiance's going to be so jealous.
He's at work right now.
She has a fiance.
Hang on.
She has a fiance.
Hang on.
Hey, what's up, you dork?
Where does he work at?
The Spectory.
I'm a huge fan of the podcast.
I love you guys so much.
Who do you like more?
We love you, and I hope you don't get deported anytime soon.
Goodbye!
So, patreon.com slash badfriends.
What is it, Bob?
Patreon.com slash badfriends.
You gotta do it.
The link is in the description below.
You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
Here we go.
Here we go.
I didn't like that beginning.
Well, we should say that-
I didn't even talk about movies.
We should say we're missing one of our favorite people here because he's back
in España,
and we're sending all of our love to Fancy B.
Thank you.
Thank you, Fancy B.
We love you.
We miss you.
I mean, miss you.
I said thank you.
That was ridiculous.
No, no.
Thank you is also nice.
Thank you for being here.
He's not here, but-
I mean, God, bye.
Yeah, bye.
Okay.
He's gone.
I love him.
I miss him.
But we have Carlos here who got a brand new car.
Yes.
Carlos got a brand new car.
Why?
Why don't you show it off?
Show it off to everybody.
I got a car accident.
New car, new puppy?
Yeah, and new apartment.
Is the puppy still alive and stuff?
I get him on the second.
This is the car.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
He got a brand new Mercedes.
Oh, my God.
Whoa.
So, that's insane.
Damn, that tour paying you good.
Yeah, what the fuck?
How much did we pay this guy?
I did get it from a tour,
and I thanked Andrew for it.
He did, very graciously.
Yeah.
A brand new C300 sedan.
What color?
Black?
Black.
Yeah, I got it in black.
Wow.
Honestly, how does he afford that?
It's a down payment.
We gave him 600 grand for the tour.
Oh, my God.
I think that's what we paid him.
We did?
I wasn't there when we discussed that.
No, but it's a good looking car.
Congrats, because you got no car accident.
You need a new car.
Oh, I just don't know how you...
Why don't you go like Honda Civic?
I mean, why that?
Because it's sick.
I know, but the thing is...
I need it.
Because it's sick.
Because it's sick, dude.
I'm going to live in my car.
I understand that, but where do you work?
Here with us.
I'm here with you.
Yeah, I know, but my mind is like...
Because I kind of know what you're making here.
I don't know why you would buy such an expensive car.
Well, actually, I'm getting money from the insurance for my other car.
Okay, that's all I need to hear.
Okay, okay.
And your rich dad.
Yeah, that's...
Okay, good.
But also from the insurance, look, Bob, his back hurts.
You know what I mean?
Oh, that's what's great.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Your spine is broke.
I didn't get the car the day I went to the dealership
because my dad still needs to do the co-signing and stuff.
Are you being real?
Your dad's doing it?
Yeah.
He's co-signing.
He's co-signing.
He can't get the lease on his own.
What's your credit score?
Genuinely, you're like 260?
Well, no.
It's like...
It's below three.
260?
It's got to be below three.
You've got to be kidding me.
No, it's like 720 or something like that.
Whoa.
That's really good.
Wow, that's good.
That's really good.
But for like a Benzo, you would have to put a lot of money for that.
You have to have really good credit for a Benz.
What's your credit score?
Do you know?
It's...
I'm surprised.
I think it's like 720, which is kind of embarrassing.
It's lower than Carlos.
What's that embarrassing?
I've been alive longer.
I paid bills.
I just started establishing credit.
Yeah, that's right.
We got you on credit now, finally.
Yeah, it's fun.
I can look up my credit score right now on my Citi app.
You guys want to see what it is?
Let's hear what it is.
What's my FICO score?
No, it's in the 800s.
Bobby, what's going on with you?
I just don't like this direction.
Okay, let's start over.
865.
Oh my God.
You could get a boat.
Should we buy a boat?
I don't know.
All right, Bob, let's change it.
I don't know how to even get a credit score.
You establish credit, but you have...
How many credit cards do you have?
A bunch.
I've always had them.
He probably has perfect credit.
Yeah, do you pay him off every month?
Oh, yeah.
Well, then you're done.
Yeah.
You're good.
You got great credit.
I don't know how to get the actual...
Google Bobby Lee credit score.
Wouldn't that be funny?
It's not like net worth they put up what your credit score is.
It just shifts publicly.
What is your net worth right now?
Nothing.
You pay your own bill of money?
What does it say?
10 million.
I can't imagine him, dude.
Dude, it's so funny.
Six months ago, I was at 1 million.
Wow, 10 million is your net worth?
Now I'm at 10 million?
That's insane.
5-4, that's wrong.
I'm 5-3.
You're 4-3.
All right.
5-3.
What the fuck?
Month?
Wait, that's me?
It says you make a quarter million a month.
Wow.
That's pretty impressive.
What?
Wow.
Good for you, Bob.
I don't, though.
That's amazing.
I don't make that at all.
Well, Steve Bennett says you do.
Yeah, Steve Bennett says it.
Whoa, look up Andrew on that.
Okay.
Look up Andrew on that.
This is how embarrassing this is.
Go ahead.
Go, Andrew.
You know what?
They're going to go, user not found.
No, you're on there for sure.
Yes, I told you.
How is that impossible?
I'm not famous.
Bobby's a famous comedian.
Are you on in your mind?
I know Bobby's famous.
Did that hurt?
You're on.
Look at his face.
No.
He got hurt.
Look, there's nothing on there.
He wasn't found.
He got hurt.
I saw it in your face.
You got hurt.
You got hurt that you weren't found.
No, I just told you.
I said user not found.
I saw it in your face.
I don't know.
Where does it say it?
Smoke's coming out of you.
That was so sad.
Five mil, yeah.
That was so sad you were found.
Yeah, you were five mil.
Oh, shit.
That's wrong, too.
I'm so sorry, dude.
No, you blew this up.
I really don't.
I'm the one that called it out.
Oh, my God.
That was so sad.
Why would I care?
I saw your eye.
I hope it's never found.
Ever, ever, ever.
Key takeaways.
He's blushing.
Oh, God.
That was so funny.
Anyway, let's move on.
Holy shit.
You know who you're the greatest gaslighter I've ever seen in my life?
I've ever seen in my entire life to make up something out of absolutely nothing?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's like it's-
I'm the best at it.
It's probably-
I'm the master of gaslighting.
It is a narcissistic skill that you possess.
I don't have narcissism.
Bob.
I don't have narcissism.
Bobby.
Yeah.
Bobby.
No, I have empathy for things.
I cry every day for things.
Excessive interest and admiration of oneself or one's physical appearance.
I don't.
Now, the second half, no.
The latter part, no.
But admiration of oneself.
No, you know that I feel like I'm a piece of shit.
I don't deserve anything.
That's not true.
Oh, I do.
That's not true.
That's my whole thing.
It's not-
I bombed.
I suck.
But knowing it's your thing makes it not your thing then.
All I hear is, I, I, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.
No, if I'm just in that zone, yeah, I mean, it's never good.
I would never set-
You're not-
You're a narcissist.
You're not.
You're definitely not.
I mean, a narcissist does this, right?
They'll purposely not feed their dog to watch them suffer.
Oh, my God.
No, no, that's different.
That's animal abuse.
That's not-
No, no, that's what narcissists do, though.
No, narcissists-
They would like to see things suffer.
No, no, no.
That's schadenfreude.
Yeah.
What's schadenfreude?
Schadenfreude is getting enjoyment from other people's pain.
That's schadenfreude.
But that's still a part of-
Masochism is the enjoyment-
But that's still a personality trait within narcissists.
I don't think so.
These are two separate things.
Because narcissism is just self-involved.
Masochism refers to the enjoyment of experience pain,
while sadism refers to the enjoyment of inflicting pain.
So sadists like watching other things suffer.
Masochists like-
I mean, if I was a narcissist,
why would I go on a darkness retreat?
Let's get you on that darkness retreat, baby.
So it's like, you know, why would I do that?
Because it's all about you.
No, it's because I'm in pain.
I want to use-
Yeah.
Because I hate myself.
No.
I really-
You don't hate yourself.
Yeah, yeah, that's it.
So it's like, why would I have my-
Well, Melanie-
What?
What?
What?
What?
You looked at Carlos, what'd you just do?
Just a friendship. I... Hello.
What? What?
What are you doing?
I just saw you do something like this and then...
We didn't... What's going on here?
What are you talking?
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, let me ask you something. What in God's name is going on here?
What are you afraid of right now?
I'm not afraid of anything. I'm just saying,
you guys have some sort of fucking...
No, no, no. There's no cahoots.
Communicating in your own language with your eyes?
There's no cahoots. There's cahoots there.
There's no cahoots. This is riddled with cahoots.
Something's going on. This podcast right now
is riddled with cahoots and I want to get to the bottom of it.
Pete. Yeah, yeah. Make sure.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Stop doing that.
What? We didn't do... Cut that out or...
No, we didn't say cut it out. Or the clip?
There's no clips. There is no clips. Yeah.
Pete, I'm fine. Okay. Thank you.
Anyway, what I'm saying is...
Look at him. Go get it. Get it, Pete. Get it.
What are you going to get? Oh, my God. Something's happening.
No, no. Nothing's happening. Nothing.
Something is happening. Something is happening here.
Let me ask you something.
I don't have...
What is going on?
Dude, major cahoots.
By the way, love the word cahoots.
I don't even know where it came from, but I love the word cahoots.
But there's something going on, though.
There is no cahoots. Yeah, there is.
How do you... Look up cahoots. Where does that come from?
Man, I love cahoots.
In cahoots...
Colluding or conspiring.
That's exactly what it...
Dude, Robert, let me say something.
You've always been a colluder, dude.
Cahooter.
I've been cahooting my whole life.
No, it's just colluding.
Since 1829, Southern and Western American English of known origin.
Perhaps the French...
Cahoot. Cabin hoot.
Cohort.
Oh, it's from some cohort.
It's just Redneck.
Couldn't say cohort.
Down there, cahoot, cahootin.
Cahootin down there.
Well, you know they out there always cahootin.
Rootin' tootin'.
Rootin' tootin' cahootin'.
Anyway, I'm not...
So I'm going to this darkness retreat.
I