Name: Sleeping Away Your Sadness, Working Away My Pain w/ Dan Soder | Ep 182 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2023-09-04T16:00:44.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Sleeping Away Your Sadness, Working Away My Pain w/ Dan Soder | Ep 182 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-09-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Sleeping Away Your Sadness, Working Away My Pain w/ Dan Soder | Ep 182 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-09-04. Transcript available.

Sleeping Away Your Sadness, Working Away My Pain w/ Dan Soder | Ep 182 | Bad Friends

I just passed out and crazy.
So long rested?
It's been much better now.
I can't wait till fucking sleep tonight.
Yeah, yeah.
Is this a good meal?
Sleep?
Did you spread it?
Yeah.
You have to open it up.
You have to open it up.
You don't open it up?
No, I'm a trumpet player.
Oh, yeah.
You ever have a coffee, Kara?
Please open it up.
Whoa!
Coffee, Kara.
Drink it, dude.
Drink it here a bit.
Mmm.
You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
McCone just broke a piece of glass in the studio.
He broke...
My glass.
A piece of glass.
It's about yay big.
What's this?
That's how I describe you.
Yay big.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right.
Well, that was rude.
What do you mean, yay big?
When somebody goes, how big is Bobby?
How big is your best friend Bobby?
I go, yay big.
Okay, good.
Yay big.
All right.
Anyway, so you owe me one.
You owe him a new piece of glass.
Anyway, last night, well, it was my first hurricane.
And I'm going to say that not that big of a deal.
Not that big of a deal at all.
Yeah, I went outside and everything.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
I went to a local bar with my sister.
Really?
My sister says hi.
They're in town.
They want to come see you.
See me where?
They want to come say hi.
We were at three in the morning last night.
Anyway, um.
Jesus.
Was that the hurricane?
Yeah, that was the hurricane.
Oh, that was the earthquake I felt.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was the earthquake.
Yeah.
We had an earthquake and a hurricane.
Yeah.
Anyway, it was fun last night.
But anyway, um, um.
So anyway, uh, last night, hurricane, okay.
I lived through it.
But so I.
Hurricane Hillary ripped up Southern California.
So then I went into my, um.
You know, I have a little, um.
Not a cover.
What do you call it?
Pantry.
Okay.
How many pantries do you have?
One.
I have three.
How many do you have?
Pantries for food?
I have one place for food.
You have a lot of pantries?
Well, I converted a couple of, a closet.
Bedroom?
Did you convert a whole bedroom?
And another bathroom as a pantry.
Oh, cool.
I have three though.
For you it makes a lot of sense.
In your face, dog.
But anyway.
Patrick King.
Patrick King.
That's what fat guys do.
Oh shit.
You think I could convert an entire bedroom to a pantry?
Yeah.
That's true.
But guess what?
In my third pantry last night, I fucked real hard last night.
But anyway, let's.
Whoa.
Did you?
Your sister.
Anyway.
Oh boy.
Anyway.
I'm kidding.
I love her.
But anyway, last night I bought.
Well, you better.
What did you buy last night?
You're on fire today, dude.
What did you buy last night?
It's not something that I bought.
It's something that I forgot about.
Have you ever bought something you forgot to buy?
No.
You mean you buy something and you forget when it shows up?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No.
You bought something, you put it away, and you're like, oh, I bought that?
Yeah, what did you buy, babe?
It was a blow.
It was a.
Be nice.
It was a blowjob machine.
It was a blowjob machine.
It was a blowjob machine.
So jealous.
Right?
And this one, dude, I was like, there's no way it's going to work.
But you already have a few.
But this one in particular, I was like, you're usually the one, you charge it,
right?
On a, like, UCB.
This one's a battery one.
Oh, okay.
It was like, oh my god, this is like the 80s where you're about to put like
double A batteries
in it.
Yeah.
The plus and the minus, whatever.
So I put it in there, I screw it in, and it looks like a fucking, um.
It looks like a blowjob machine, I bet.
No, it doesn't.
No?
From afar, it looks like a hair dryer.
Oh, man.
It has the same setup, like a handle.
Yeah.
And like, right?
Yeah.
So there's no way.
Last night, I got to try it.
I stuck it on.
And as soon as my penis went in it, I was like, oh, this is different.
Yeah.
Oh.
This is new.
Did you have to put anything inside of it or just get it started and get it
going?
Oh, I have a variety.
I have heat, cool.
Whoa.
Wow.
Every brand of lube.
You know how I do it with sunflower seeds?
Yeah.
I do it with lube, too.
Yeah.
You know how David's sunflower seeds sponsors us eating a multi-flavored lube?
Do you ever taste it?
No, I don't taste it.
No, I don't taste it.
It's not hot.
It's not like fucking, um.
It's fully edible, though.
They're food-grade.
You're going to trick me again, because I'm going to do it.
Lube is food-grade.
I know, but I'm going to go home and do it, and I'm going to get sick, and then
you're
going to laugh at my face.
Everybody knows lube is food-grade.
Imagine.
If you have to put it inside of people, it must be safe for you to consume.
Yeah, you did that with my cum.
Yeah.
You said cum has a different flavor.
It is food-grade.
I told you to taste it.
I tasted it.
It tastes the same.
On every day?
You have to do every day of the week.
Ah, you're going to trick me again?
Monday's different than Friday.
All right, I'm trying.
What do I do?
Anyway.
So last night, you know, the hurricane's going and stuff.
Yeah, I'm in the bathroom.
Okay.
When you masturbate, you've masturbated before, right?
A couple times.
You're very good.
Yeah.
Carlos, I bet you're a pro.
This guy's ranked.
Are you ranked, do you think, on a national level?
Top 5,000?
Yeah, you've got to be top.
Oh, I don't know.
Are you a master, though?
Masturbator?
Yeah, I mean, you know, like in chess, you know, because...
What's your rank?
What's your rank?
In chess, like 2,000 is unbelievable.
Yeah, so 5,000, you think, as a masturbator?
Maybe, like, 20,000.
Out of 250 million in America, that's pretty good.
Not bad.
Yeah.
So what happened?
You think you performed well last night, huh?
You think you did a good job?
Yeah, I bet you an Indian guy is fucking number one.
Those guys.
They're always the best.
Well, them and the Chinese, they do it the best.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Spelling B is chess and then masturbating, they're the best.
Which they can all do at the same time.
So, um...
Rook to pawn.
So, anyway, I just woke up, so I'm not even clear, but I made a no...
I've never made a noise orgasming.
Can you?
I went like...
Who?
Who?
It's like O first.
Oh?
Yeah.
I'm gonna write you the lyrics, right?
Okay.
O-H, O-O-O, O-H, H, O-O, right?
And then the last one is, capital, capital, like...
You know how Trump, when he tweets and he's angry?
O-H, O-H.
On true social, it's all capital?
Yeah.
O-H, 15 times.
A lot of votes.
So this is the lyrics to that song.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh,
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Really really
Please sit down in our blue chair
Bring a dog ticket sales cancellations brain
Cool, I love to fucking do an arena
What did you what did you bring you brought a little gift and I just did mark
marion's podcast he says by the way
He knows you gay. Did he say that for real?
Finally he goes by the way tell Andrew I know finally he reads my text messages
Yeah, let me ask you something fun not fun was it fun? It was fun. I got
emotional
I look I just said this he digs deep. I know it's too deep. He got me dude. He
goes too deep
What did he give you there one of his bullshit coffee mugs? Yeah. Oh cool
It was like hey you cried about your sister. Here's a mug
No, go get a cup of coffee. How much is on it? I only did it once meet you one
one time
I think he only does he's a one-time deal now. I think he in the people he
likes he invites back. I know like Tarantino
Yeah, yeah, well Tarantino's huge. Yeah, my dumbass being like and then I like
comedy again
You know, I was just across the street. I gotta tell you guys this like I
grabbed food real quick
Yeah across at that diner. Mm-hmm. I sat at the counter the most LA shit in the
world
What happened there was just this super old guy on the phone and he's like
talking about post Malone and he's like yeah
Listen to his CD. It's a good
He's good. He's like a real easy CDs real good. Yeah, then he starts talking
about naked ladies. Oh, I love this
It was so old and porny where he goes hey look her up
Look her up. She used to do solo and girl on girl. She real good body
He goes, but now she's doing regular porn throw eight inches at her and I was
like, oh my God
Carlos you were next door before this
That's a hundred percent Carlos's conversations on the phone. Yeah, you got to
look up her look up her stuff
He was I was looking up the girls. He was saying
I swear to you remember any of the girls names I left the tab up. Yeah, I was
coming here
Yeah, I mean delete the thing that we're gonna definitely talk about who is he
ranting about? He was ranting about this girl name is Sid
Wilder Oh, I know her. I know wait wait wait first of all shit. I know her said
what okay?
She's not a porn star. Okay, she's more of a she's a comedian. Oh, yeah, she
does. I know who this is
Oh, yeah, but she I we follow we I know her yeah, she she she she did she used
to do stand-up or something
Yeah, she did a kato killing more about social media kind of thing, but I know
her the other
Of course, sorry, and I know I see what you're trying to do
No, the other girl right now Sidney the other girl he brought up was something
Scott
I erased her one. It was Sidney Scott. There's one right there. It's a blonde
lady named
Just just an elementary school teacher named Sidney Scott. No, I'm gonna fight.
He's like and then there's a girl who teaches my kids
I'd like to see her tapes
This guy was such an old perv. By the way, we're setting records. Another
teacher got busted
With for just this past week for a I want to say threesome or foursome. It was
in the news
I think she was in I don't know which one you look up the news another one.
Well, there's one in the Bronx
I saw that one yeah, but those are some that one teacher allegedly arranged threesome
with schoolgirl and mom
Wait, and it was a dude that pulled this no, I think this was a girl right? Oh,
no that guy. Oh that guy
This guy pulled it whoa
Well, I mean if you do it with a parent, I mean they get consent, right? It's
like a did the field trip form
Yeah, I mean you go listen before I suck and fuck you and your daughter
You can bring your kid to a rated-R movie if you're there, right exactly
Bring your parent to yeah, I don't know. There's absolutely a slimy lawyer.
That's like we got this
It's called the permission is the permission slip. This is like in in Wisconsin
if you're underage
You know if your parent is there you can drink you know about this what it was.
It's kind of like
low local
Not a law but like people just go with it
You're allowed to drink under minors under this age
You're allowed to consume alcohol as long as they're accompanied by a parent
legal guardian or spouse of legal drinking age in Wisconsin
It is a law damn dude. They have that's basically like training wheels for booze
on percent. They're like, hey, I let go back
a block ago
You've been black out with them
You're good to go buddy! Just keep pedaling!
Thanks, Dan!
Yeah, dude, Wisconsin would be the state that does that
100% but we used to go up there when I'd go with my parents to like Irish Fest
and we'd go to a bar and I it always felt like we were getting away with
something
But the bartenders were like, what are you looking at?
What do you want? Like o