Name: Toilet Water Waddle | Ep 183 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2023-09-11T16:00:38.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Toilet Water Waddle | Ep 183 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-09-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Toilet Water Waddle | Ep 183 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-09-11. Transcript available.

Toilet Water Waddle | Ep 183 | Bad Friends

Hey, Baffert fans!
We're going back on tour.
We're going to be in Rochester, New York.
Yeah, then we go to Cleveland, Ohio.
Then we're in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
Two shows. First show is sold out.
The second one still needs some people
out there in Pittsburgh. Let's go.
September 16th. Boston, Massachusetts.
Then we play Boston. You know where we are in Boston?
We're at the Green Monster. In Boston,
we're at Fenway with the Sox play.
Then we go to D.C. Our founding
fathers would love us there. Love it.
Then where do we go? Denver,
Colorado, your hometown. Yeah, no, I'm not from there.
I'm from Chicago. I do love Denver.
Then we're in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
And then we're in my hometown, Chicago,
Illinois, where the creature lives. That's right.
In Chicago theater, she's going to come smack you.
And then Minneapolis, Minnesota. Is she coming? Yes, she is.
I'm going to give her a hug. And we finish it off in
Madison, Wisconsin. Minneapolis and Madison, Wisconsin.
So go to BadFriendsPod.com for those tickets.
Where? At BadFriends.com.
BadFriendsPod.com.
BadFriendsPod.com.
You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
Never going to get it.
Never going to get it.
Never going to get it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Never going to get it.
Never going to get it.
Never going to get it.
Never going to get it.
Never going to get it.
Never going to get it.
That's Trump on the indictment.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Never going to get it.
Never going to get it.
Never going to get it.
Like if you're going to do a mugshot, what mugshot would you do?
Mine would be like this.
It's going to be on my license.
Let me see your mugshot.
Wait.
Oh, this is my mugshot.
Yeah, yeah.
Ready?
That's a good one.
You've never been arrested.
Yes, I have.
You have a mugshot.
I don't have a mugshot.
I don't know what dictates getting it on the internet.
Where did you get arrested?
I was in college.
I got arrested.
Ah, they don't care, man.
Really?
What'd you do?
What'd you do?
What, it doesn't count?
It doesn't count college.
How does college not count?
What do you mean it doesn't count?
I'm an adult.
I'm over 18.
Yeah, but you're practicing to be an adult.
I somewhat agree with this statement.
That's true, actually.
Yeah, you haven't worked out the kinks.
By the time you're 21, 22, then it's...
When do you work out the kinks?
Are your kinks worked out?
Yeah, at 45.
You think all of your kinks got worked out by 45?
Do I have a mugshot?
Do you?
No.
You're saying people that have a mugshot didn't work out the kinks?
Yes.
Oh, so you think...
Work out your kinks, dude.
I'm kinked out.
Yeah, I know.
You were already kinked out, dude.
But when I was 19, no kinks.
You had so many...
I was kinked.
You were riddled with the kinks.
Kinked up.
Yeah, you're kinked up, yeah.
I got arrested when I was in college twice.
Once for...
I was looking for myself, sorry.
I was...
You have a mugshot?
Yeah, from a couple years ago.
Well, look, keep finding it.
Let's find it.
I want to find yours.
I got arrested for fighting in public,
and then I got urinating in public.
Pissing outside of a bar.
And they made me go to sex ed classes.
Whoa, why?
Well, because they could register you as a sex offender
if your genitals are out in public.
Are you being real?
Yeah, I mean, obviously...
I mean, I should have had 52,000 fucking mugshots.
Trust me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We've been battling them away every city we go to.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's actually hard for us to deal with.
I mean...
No, but I got urinating in public,
and I had to go to one of those...
Oh, you know what I had to go to, dude?
Hmm.
A class that DUI guys have to go to.
Oh, I love those ones.
Oh, yeah.
And the stories were horrific.
Yeah.
Like, they would literally be like...
I'm sure this is at meetings.
Sometimes you experience this,
where guys are like,
Yeah, I would get blacked out drunk
first thing in the morning
while I fed my kids breakfast
and then drove them to school in the morning.
Yeah.
And I would hit stuff on the way home.
And then I'm like,
I was pissing outside of an Irish pub.
Yeah.
It's like, why am I here?
Dude, I know a guy in AA,
he shared that he was a school bus driver.
Uh-oh.
What?
And he was blacked out drunk?
Blacked out drunk.
Yeah.
I think it was like elementary school kids.
Weren't they all when we were kids?
Right.
But he drove off a canyon.
And what?
They all died.
Except for him.
Yeah.
So he lived.
Yeah.
And he's all...
Oh, he's a beep-a-pa-pa-pa-pa.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's like...
What happened was I drove off a canyon cliff.
I'm kidding.
I made that up.
Okay, good.
Yeah, yeah.
But also...
I don't know why I just did that.
I saw you backpedal.
I saw you backpedal it
because I go,
they drove off a cliff and he lived
and you're like,
he lived.
I know.
Everybody lives.
He's the first guy to probably go.
No, but there was...
Wait, what do you mean?
There's that girl.
Look this up.
That girl that just got sentenced
to two consecutive 15 life sentences.
Two...
Oh, the girl that goes,
I need to go to college?
No.
Oh, is that the same girl?
Remember, she's like,
I gotta go to...
I don't know what...
I gotta go to class.
And the cop's like,
you killed two people, right?
No, this is Mackenzie Schirilla.
Yeah, drove 100 miles an hour
into a brick wall
killing her boy...
It was her boyfriend
and his best friend.
She lived 100 miles an hour
into a brick wall.
Let me guess.
Huh?
She was fat.
That's right.
No.
No.
No, be real.
Dude, look at how skinny and small...
No, she's a tiny little girl.
That's her.
Whoa.
Two life sentences.
She got into a fight
with her boyfriend
and this fucking lunatic
drives her car
into a brick wall
with his best friend in it.
17, she was drunk.
Yeah.
Hasn't worked out her kinks.
She's full of kinks.
She's so full of kinks, dude, right?
And one of her kinks was...
Alcoholism.
Killing her boyfriend.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Whoa.
So I guess the rumor was
they got into a fight.
Yeah.
And she's like,
I'll take this into my own hands.
But how do...
Jesus, Jesus, take the wheel.
Yeah, but how do they prove that?
Because this is...
If he's dead...
It's actually interesting you say this.
Yeah.
Well, there's proof
that they were in a fight
via the text messages
that they brought up in court.
Still, it's like...
And then...
Yeah.
They can prove her motive
because these cars all now,
every car now,
they've got these computers, right?
Onboard computers
that can tell when you braked,
how far you braked,
how fast you were going.
Yeah, there's no break.
She sped up before she hit the wall.
Break signs, you know, break...
Yeah, but if she was drunk,
was she drunk?
No, I don't think she was drunk.
Oh, if she wasn't drunk,
then that's it.
No, I don't think she was drunk.
I don't know why drunk
came into my mind then.
Well, you would assume.
She had a brick wall
going 100 fucking miles an hour.
Oh, so she wasn't drunk?
No, I don't think so.
Fucking, yeah.
She didn't break.
Lunatic.
Lunatic.
But she didn't break
and she sped up.
The car registered.
She hit the fucking gas.
Yeah.
And then they hit the wall.
Now, did she go in a coma
or did she realize
she was still alive?
No, I think she was fine right away.
But then I would take shards and...
Oh, and kill yourself.
I mean...
I mean, you...
Really?
Because her intention
was to kill herself as well, right?
Sit down.
What's on your forehead, Rudy?
Rudy just walked in
and she's got a...
It's a mole.
It's one of those...
No, this is a new pimple...
It's a pimple sticker.
Carlos uses these too.
Oh, yeah.
There's a new thing.
So, Carlos is a teenage girl,
by the way.
Yeah.
But he used one too.
It's a sticker
that you put on a pimple
for how long?
All day?
All day.
And all night?
You can do all night, all day.
Why does it work?
Why don't you do the star?
Why does it look like a mole?
It's a poo.
It's a piece of poo?
Yeah.
Oh, you got the poo design.
Yeah, the poo design.
Oh!
Blend it in with your face a little bit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm surprised I could see it.
Yeah.
Wait, this is so interesting.
This is the hip way
to cover up blemishes
so you're not as embarrassed.
Yeah, that's what I do.
No, they work...
Because I use the...
You don't use the stickers?
I've never used the stickers.
Oh, they're the best.
No.
Those stickers work.
But I don't get pimpales anymore.
Well, then there you go.
I mean, I had my fun.
It already got me years ago.
But you have one...
I mean...
Where is it?
What's this?
No, that's...
I've had this since I've known you.
It's a birthmark.
I thought it was a forever pimple.
A fimple?
Yeah.
You think I got fimple?
Yeah, I thought it was a fimple.
By the way, I do have a fimple
right below my right butt cheek.
It's been there for so long.
Yeah, put a sticker on there.
No.
Why?
I'll do it.
I let it rock.
Okay.
He's got his own personality.
Okay.
That's Concoose.
What?
What's his name?
Concoose.
His name is Concoose?
Concoose.
I want to meet Concoose.
He's Spanish.
I'll let you meet him someday.
Anyway.
He's a good guy.
Rudy Jules is back in the house.
Yeah.
Hello.
What's in the tote bag?
What did you bring for us?
Nothing.
Straight from school?
No, from work.
Work and school.
Someone's growing up.
Wow, wow, wow, wow.
And now she came to her other job.
Let's see what's inside.
Open it up.
This is my emergency bag.
What's in the emergency bag?
What's in there?
Okay.
What could be in there?
Tampons.
Yeah, good.
Okay.
Yeah.
Face spray.
Yeah, what do you mean?
Just like mint?
Rosemary?
Yeah, rosemary.
Rosemary's nice.
Mints?
Yeah, you need those.
Allegra?
Allergies.
She has allergies.
Yeah.
Allergies.
Yeah.
Tylenol?
I'll give us enough.
No, no, no.
Let's finish this up.
Perfume?
Circus clown?
There's a thousand things in there.
Another allergy fence?
A streamer?
A rabbit?
A tooth thing.
I love those.
Floss?
Yeah.
Those are the best.
Floss picks?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Wait, there's more.
Oh my God.
Pepper spray?
I don't have pepper spray.
Why?
That should be-
I have a taser.
All those cosmetics to look good and nothing to thwart off criminals.
I have a taser though.
Okay, good.
Oh, can we see it?
Not here.
I forgot it.
Oh, that's always convenient.
Yeah.
And then-
I have a gun, but I never have it on me.
What spray?
For when you poo.
That's poo-pourri.
We have that at the house.
Okay.
That's it.
That's it?
Yeah.
Very good.
I don't have a bag.
Do you have a bag?
I never carry-
You actually used to carry fanny packs and bags.
I don't carry anything at all.
Yeah, but that's all this stuff.
This is my wallet.
This is all I have.
Yeah.
That's it.
I have nothing on my person.
I have this, yeah.
You can't get anything from me.
You're never going to smash and grab me.
There's nothing on me.
You do-
I'm going to say something to you.
You have a talent and you have a gift, my friend.
What is it?
She's the best cleaner person.
You finally cleaned up all the cat puke and poop?
You're better than Mexicans.
And I don't say that-
Wow.
All of them?
All of them, dude.
Wow.
Wow, dude.
That's pretty big.
They're amazing.
I would put my lady up against her any day of the week.
I bet you're better at jumping fences than Mexicans, too.
Or going under them.
Depends on how creative you are.
Yeah, I think you're Mexican.
You're ultra-Mexican.
I want to be Mexican.
Good.
She's so good.
And you can be anything you want to be.
You know what she does?
Can I tell you what she does that's special?
Hmm.
Okay.
So, you know, for me, my toothpaste, the tip of it always looks like, you know,
a volcano erupting.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
It's just like coagulated and fucking, you know what I mean, junked out.
Where, like, the fucking, it won't even come out.
Right.
Right, the paste.
Yeah.
It's clogged.
She only clogs it.
Wow.
And you clean around it, huh?
Yeah.
She cleans around it like it's a brand new little tip.
Let me just guess.
Go ahead.
Let me guess.
You're one of those guys who doesn't push from the bottom.
You squeeze from the middle.
Ye