Name: Barbie & Ken Breakup | Ep 189 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2023-10-23T16:00:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Barbie & Ken Breakup | Ep 189 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-10-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Barbie & Ken Breakup | Ep 189 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-10-23. Transcript available.

Barbie & Ken Breakup | Ep 189 | Bad Friends

Hey, Bad Friends, we are on tour.
This is our last leg.
This is it, baby, for 2023.
Important leg.
Important leg.
It's your favorite leg.
Denver, Colorado.
This weekend, we're in Denver at the Belco Theater.
Denver, come out and see us.
Then we go to Milwaukee.
Then we go to my hometown, Chicago, Illinois.
Then Minneapolis, and where do we end?
Where I got molested.
Then we end in Madison, Wisconsin.
Wisconsin, guys.
You guys, there's a few dates left.
That's it.
That's all we've got.
Come check it out, dude.
Check it out.
Denver, Milwaukee, Chicago, Minneapolis, and Madison.
Go to badfriendspod.com.
Badfriendspod.com.
Come on, Barbie.
Let's go party.
I've never seen.
You've seen Barbie.
I've never seen Barbie.
I don't even know how they talk.
They're like this.
Well, I'm Ken, and that's my girl Barbie.
Hi, and I'm Barbie.
That's not how she talks.
How do you talk?
I'm Barbie.
No, that's not how she talks.
That's how she talks?
Yeah.
All right.
Trans Barbie.
What did you just say?
Stop.
Stop.
They're all trans.
I've seen the dolls.
That's right.
They are.
They are.
Okay.
Guys, we have a weird thing happening on the TV.
Well, first of all, can we wish everybody a happy Halloween?
What's going on right now?
You go right into bits.
Happy Halloween.
Say hello and everything.
Start over.
You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
White dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm Barbie.
And this is my boy.
Come on, Barbie.
Let's go party.
Come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come.
Come on, Barbie.
Let's go party.
It hurts.
It hurts.
Is that how it sounds?
So anyway, welcome to Halloween.
Halloween, Halloween.
Halloween.
And be careful because you can, you know, indirectly summon evil spirits during
the holidays.
Ooh.
Halloween.
And, you know, you're inviting the demon to come into your lives.
I agree.
Do you agree?
I agree.
I saw a ghost this morning in my house and I'm not, I'm actually not.
Tell me about your ghost.
I'm not joking.
Describe it to me, the ghost.
So I was looking up, we were cooking breakfast this morning and I looked up in
the hallway.
There's a little hallway that goes into my living room and then into another
hallway.
Yeah.
And my dog will often sit and stare at that hallway.
And you're like, she sits and stares at it all.
By the way, your dog.
Yeah.
The best black dog I've ever seen.
Yeah, I know.
We got rid of the white one.
Wasn't good enough.
Yeah.
I mean, I don't like that dog.
I don't like that dog was doing slam dunks.
Yep.
Did you hear the rap?
It was like jigging.
Yeah.
Have you met the dog?
It was like, if you put down a like cardboard box.
Yep.
Flat.
Yep.
It starts to break down.
It's the best.
It's the best black dog.
Yeah.
Anyway, go ahead.
No, but my dog will sit there, right?
And she'll stare at the hallway, creeped out all the time.
Dogs have senses.
And then this morning, I looked up from eggs and looked back down and a vision
went by.
Let me describe it to you.
Please, please.
Let me close my eyes.
Tall, lanky, long, like shitty, wispy hair.
It sounds like, okay.
Okay.
And it's awkward and it kind of hunches when it walks.
So it has like a very like forward hunch.
Almost like, um, uh, uh, it was Ari Shafir.
Oh yeah.
He was there.
Yeah.
He was, it was at Ari.
He just slept over.
Oh, I see.
Yeah.
He was just going to the hunch.
Yeah.
And the way you, okay.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He slept over.
No, but no demon.
Go back to the demon.
Okay.
Demon, demon.
Long, like one of the tree people, you know, the tree people that have long,
like, like,
uh, daddy long legs.
Lord of the Rings tree people?
Yeah.
The tree people.
Long.
Honestly.
I have no idea what those people look like.
Oh, you never saw it.
I know.
You know, I don't know.
I fucking, I don't.
Okay.
So anyways, long.
Well, what's, what is, what was the Slenderman?
Slenderman.
Yeah.
Slenderman.
No.
Slenderman's a Jewish.
Yeah.
Slenderman.
Demon.
The Jewish demon.
There's two different.
The Slenderman.
More Slenderman.
More Slenderman is my accountant.
Yeah.
He's your business manager.
So my accountant, was that your?
Yeah, he was there.
Oh, I see.
And he kept walking to the house and he goes, you have to do your taxes.
Oh.
So.
He's always at my house doing that shit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I saw the, I saw a vision of the body going through the hallway and I got
goose.
Do you call them goose pimples or goose bumps?
Goose bumps.
You say bumps, bumps.
What do you say?
Um, I've never gotten them.
You've never gotten goose bumps before?
Never.
Our skin doesn't do it.
Asian skin doesn't goose bumps.
No, we don't do shock.
You guys duck bump?
We don't have awakenings.
You guys duck bump.
We goose bump, you duck bump.
Yeah.
No, I do.
I get fucking goose bumps as big as coconut balls.
What is coconut balls?
You mean a coconut?
I just woke up.
So, you know, when I just woke up, I don't know what I was like.
Yeah, I get goose bumps as big as coconut, coconuts.
No, but I get them.
I mean, when's the last time I had a goose bump?
When's the last time you got a goose bump?
When people cheer.
Yeah.
Dude, I'm getting them right now.
Yeah, that worked.
Goose, coconut balls.
Or when I have a spiritual awakening.
Give me one.
Did you have one recently?
I haven't had a spiritual awakening in many, many years.
But, you know, I had one when I was the biggest.
Well, let's talk about it later.
But I never shared it.
But I had the craziest where I went.
This is where I went.
There is no coincidences at all.
And this is what, this is the Lord's work.
This is the Lord's work.
And I could share it.
But anyway, go back to the thing.
I'd rather you share it right now.
You're deep in the middle of the world.
You're talking about a demon in your fucking house.
Let's go there.
Okay.
All right.
So, more Slenderman was in the house.
More Slenderman walking through the house.
Yeah.
Right?
Filthy floors.
He hated.
Hated the house.
It was dirty.
It was.
We didn't clean.
But I immediately got this feeling in the pit of my stomach that someone had
died in the house.
So, I texted my real estate agent.
And I said, did anybody ever pass away in this home?
He blocked my number.
Whoa.
So, what that means to me is he killed someone in the house while he was
selling it.
What I think was, this is my brain.
He was showing the house.
Someone was criticizing it.
You know, when you go through a house, you're like, I don't like the fixtures.
His door seems a little, he couldn't do it anymore.
Well, I was at your house last night.
Remember?
Jerking off.
He was jerking off.
Yeah, he was jerking the guy off.
Yeah.
He goes, buy this house.
Yeah, we had a little mini get-together.
It was a great get-together.
I ran into people that I hadn't seen in a long time.
Nick Kreis.
Nick Kreis, yeah.
And then, dude.
And this is, I'm kind of mad at you.
Why?
In fact, I'm furious.
What did I do?
Because, you know that kid, Matt?
Yeah.
He did Fairfax?
Yeah.
You know him, right?
Yes.
Yeah, he's a good friend.
All right, so check it out, dude.
Last time I was like, he goes,
Yeah, and I offered you that thing.
He did, yeah.
On Fairfax.
Yeah, he offered you a role on an animated series.
And I go, wait, it's you?
Yeah, Matt.
Because I've known Matt.
But when you called me and said, do Fairfax, you never said it was him.
I'm sure I did.
No, you didn't.
You just gave me what the money was, and I said no.
Well, that's right.
Yeah, you said no to the money.
I know, but if he reached out, though, I would have done it.
Here's what it sounded like, boys.
It sounded like this.
Hey, my buddy Matt is making this show called Fairfax.
That's actually a cool show on Amazon.
It's an animated show, and it's offering you X amount of dollars.
That's what I said.
What you heard was, $800.
That's what I heard, yeah.
Yeah, you heard Charlie Brown.
But did you say, you know the chubby cheek guy with the glasses?
Yeah.
The Jack Osborne-y chubby cheek guy with the glasses?
I would have been, oh, have him call me.
Okay.
Anyway.
Well, that was the second time I had to push you through.
So you're a great party.
Another thing I saw was, oh, you had some.
What did we serve?
You walk in, you go, okay, this is Andrew Santino's private mini party.
Elite only.
No.
Elite only, right?
In my mind.
Yeah, it should have been.
I was driving up to your house.
I was like, oh, fuck, who's going to be there?
Right.
Chris Pratt.
Right, yeah.
You know what I mean?
Some other guy.
He was cleaning the pool.
He was, yeah.
Anyway, I walk in, and I'm like, oh, that's pretty good.
That's pretty good.
That's pretty good.
You know, some producers there.
Yeah, some, yeah.
Yeah, some high tech, right?
But then you had mixed in with it, borderline homeless.
Yeah.
Well, when you refer to that, you're talking about McComb.
I'm like, oh.
No, it's not fancy.
Well, here's the deal.
Yeah, it's not elite.
We needed someone to get ice, and I said, he goes, do you mind if I stop by?
And I said, you can be there for 15 minutes.
Yeah.
I said, drop off the ice 15 minutes, then you got to go.
But the worst person that showed up, by far.
Let me guess.
Go ahead.
One, two, three.
Carlos.
Carlos, obviously.
And here's what Carlos did.
Why, why, why?
No, I'm going to tell you.
I know you think I'm kidding around.
He tried to hook up with my wife twice.
Hit on her two times.
Drunk as fuck.
Dropped multiple shit on the ground.
I picked it up.
I picked it up.
Barely.
Barely.
Dude.
And here's the funniest part.
Late at night, this is, I'm not making any of this up.
I got, there's a bag of Tostitos chips, right?
Yeah.
I hear from the fucking other room.
And then I go in, this fucking lunatic, like Tyrannosaurus Rex, is shuffling.
I mean, look, a handful of chips.
He's crunched them and.
Yeah.
And inhale them like a pig.
And he's spilling all over the floor.
Yeah.
And I go, dude, one at a time.
Yeah.
One at a time.
And he goes.
He also has a hyena paw.
Yeah.
Right?
So it's like the crunching.
Look, go like this with your hand.
Look at that.
So he's digging in there and he's crunching them into his little mouth.
And I was like, buddy, one chip at a time.
That's not going.
They're not going anywhere.
Yeah.
They're your chips.
And those chips.
What did you say?
What was your response?
I don't remember.
I just was trying to get them all in at once.
That's what you said.
That's what I said.
What are you doing?
Oh, so if the chips were closer to the mouth,
they start whittling away because of his breath.
Oh, my God.
They jump off.
The chips are like, you know what I mean?
They just, no, no.
It's insane.
Yeah, dude.
It was, he was shoveling.
I'm sorry.
No.
And then.
You're a good guy, but your breath, come on.
And then on top of that, on top of that, so little patio.
We have a nice little patio.
Beautiful patio.
Everyone's hanging out.
I put out, in the case that there might be bugs, just little spindles with
little thing.
You light it and it's for bug, you know, bug off, like little off candles.
Andrew, I swear this will.
Time out.
You shut your mouth.
This fucking guy uses it as an ashtray.
Dude, Bobby, Bobby.
You might as well just ask it in that baby's head.
There's a baby there.
Oh, no, no.
It gets worse.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Let me get to that part.
Not only did he use the off candle thing as an ashtray, he's smoking, sharing
cigarettes.
Yeah, dude.
Next to my buddy's pregnant wife.
Yeah, dude.
Lunatic.
Lunatic.
You're a lunatic.
It was a joint.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, you smoked a cigarette.
Then you guys smoked joints.
Then you smoked more cigarettes.
Next time, if you're going to bring Mexicans, bring the darker skinned ones.
That's right.
Because these lighter skinned ones, they're arrogant.
Well, you know what else?
And they think they're above it.
And he didn't even help to clean up, which, you know, a darker skinned Mexican
would have
definitely done.
They would have done it.
Yeah, they would have also built a gazebo and helped with the fence.
Dude, ripping butt