Name: Monkey Farts & Asian Fetish | Ep 197 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2023-12-18T17:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monkey Farts & Asian Fetish | Ep 197 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monkey Farts & Asian Fetish | Ep 197 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-18. Transcript available.

Monkey Farts & Asian Fetish | Ep 197 | Bad Friends

You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian
dude. You two are disgusting. You two are something. We're bad friends.
We're Whitney coming. Bop bop bop. Welcome, welcome. And listen, last night,
Andrew was on fire.
We did Adam Ray's show. He was on, he was so quick. It was like, oh, I want to
tell that. But he beat me to it.
We had a couple of good jokes. Adam Ray. No, you did. Adam Ray did a. He slow
was quick, Andrew.
Dr. Phil. Oh my God, dude. He's already starting with you right now. You know
what, dude? He is. He's quicker than me. I'm slow, dude.
No, you're not. Slow burn, dude. Just starting. I'm speeding it up. And I will,
you know what, dude? One day, dude, I'm going to be the champ of speeding it up.
Bop bop bop bop bop. You'll see. Let's introduce our guest. Not yet.
No, please don't. Let's let him sit for another minute.
Yeah, yeah. Because, um, yeah, he's been bothering me.
Our guest?
No, just he in general.
Hmm. You know?
What's been going on?
Well, over the years, you know, I've been seeing him around, right? And he, I
feel like he gets offended easily and stuff.
And like, he's just like, come on, Bob, and this and that. But I love him as a
performer. I really do. I think he's just so interesting. What a, what a, what
a vibe.
You want to introduce him or you just want to leave it hanging like that?
Do you want to, Taylor, Taylor Williamson.
You do not know his name?
I do. I just said it.
I got so nervous.
Taylor Williamson.
Yeah. We couldn't get Taylor Tomlinson, but we got Taylor Williamson on the
show.
I said to get Tomlinson.
Yeah. You said that is the wrong one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's a little, uh, it's a little too soon for that one.
Is it too soon?
Can I tell you? She's so talented.
She is.
There's no, we have nothing in common.
Yeah.
San Diego, but like, that's it. But like, there's like a one-way rivalry with,
I have with her because I get tagged every time she gets a Netflix special or
she's, she hosts a TV show.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Congratulations, Taylor Comedy. And I'm like, I think you meant Taylor Tomlinson.
Oh, no.
I got brought up as her recently.
You know how they say, um, dogs look like their owners?
This one does not.
To me, it does.
Let me see.
His belly is like his head.
Well, they both said, I asked you before the show, you both have the same
trauma, right?
What happened to the dog that happened to you?
We both have abandonment issues and neglect.
That we were both, we were both in a hoarding situation in a car with 20, 20,
uh, dogs.
Really?
Really?
Both of us, we grew up like that.
And this is Betty.
This is baby Betty.
Baby Betty. And you knitted her sweater.
I knitted this with my own hands.
Is she on fentanyl? Why is she nodding off?
Yeah, yeah.
She's nodded off like four times already.
She's honestly, don't take this the wrong way.
Is she from Bakersfield?
She's from Los Angeles area.
Okay.
I don't know where.
So yeah, Bakersfield.
Bakersfield, yeah.
When she doesn't, when she's up and rambunctious, I want her to sleep.
I put on your show and she falls asleep very quickly.
Okay.
See what you're doing right now?
Insult, insult does not work.
See what you're doing right now?
What happened?
You don't do that.
No, I'm a, I'm a fan.
No.
I love how we tried it.
San Diego.
I love it.
It didn't sound like this.
You know what's inside of you that I love, dude?
What can I do?
Keep doing it.
Okay, so listen, so Bobby, Bobby, like a couple of years ago, he, I see him in
the hallway at
the comedy store with this guy.
And he's been, he's randomly very nice to me.
Like when I was 18 years old, he helped me.
Can I just say one thing real quick?
Jesus.
I just realized, you know, Hitler did that with his mustache, but he did it
with his eyebrows.
Oh, wow.
Wow.
And it's really, wow.
Are you telling a Jewish guy that he has Hitler eyebrows?
Is that your comedy?
Is that your comedy?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
During this time.
Yeah, so anyway, go ahead.
I still don't understand.
You're saying my eyebrows.
They're just short.
I like it.
Anyway, let's move on.
These are natural.
That's great.
Those are natural eyebrows?
Yeah.
Told you.
Oh, you did.
We had a bet.
I said that before the show.
I said, I bet you those are natural eyebrows.
There's no way you cut them that way.
No, I said those are natty.
That's all natty, baby.
Yeah.
Those are God given.
So go ahead.
Sorry.
Jewish God given, no less.
I didn't know you were Jewish.
We did not know you were Jewish.
Yeah, I didn't know you were Jewish.
We would not have had you on the show.
My mom told me to start mentioning it.
It helped my career these days, you know?
Is that what you're...
It'll help me get attacked.
Say it how she would have said it, though.
Say it how she...
How would your mom say it?
Hey, Taylor, you should say you're Jewish.
What?
She's shy?
Is your mom your dad?
Actually, a single mom, yeah, kind of.
Oh, really?
If I got punished, she would say I'm a mother and a father.
Aw.
You were abandoned?
Yeah, a little bit.
What happened to dad?
Yeah.
He's around.
We wish him well.
He's a nice guy.
What do you mean?
What do you mean?
He has a good LinkedIn profile, you know?
Wait, he wasn't in the house when you...
He was in his house.
What does he do?
He was an insurance agent.
And then, yeah, no more of that.
But if you need insurance, you're good.
I don't think I'm going to look up for your dad.
I want to support you, not your father.
And your father wasn't there for you, it sounds like.
Support him.
You know, divorce parents, you know?
How old?
Make a comedian.
When I was really little, like a little baby.
One for me.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, pre-one.
I think it was just before I was one, they split.
Aw.
That's what you and I have in common.
Oh, wow.
There you go.
There's one thing.
Just two divorced parent, children of divorced parents.
With a puppy?
I do have a dog, but my dog is not as aloof as yours.
She's more alive.
But your mom found another man.
She did.
She found a great guy.
Did your mom find another man?
She did.
What's his name?
David.
I feel like he just made that up.
He was nervous to say it.
Well, I mean, it's just kind of weird.
David.
I mean, I just like, we're giving out names.
Yeah, we are.
Okay.
You can just make it up if you don't want to.
Yeah, yeah.
But we're leaving that.
To Raphael.
We're leaving that in now.
Let's do what you want to do again.
We'll just, we cut that out.
Yeah, what's your mom's new guy's name?
Name, name.
Uh, Dave.
No.
God damn it, babe.
He's not used to podcasting.
It's different.
What kind of breed of dog is Betty?
She's, thank you for asking.
She's a, I did that.
She's a rescue.
I'm a great person, you know?
But I did the DNA test.
Allegedly, according to the thing, I said, she's a 50%.
You want me to take my guesses?
Chihuahua for sure.
Yeah.
Maybe a little bit of, I see some pit.
Maybe some strong pit.
Some pit in there, Dave.
Maybe some American bulldog.
Yeah.
Okay.
So it's a Chihuahua, um, uh, Havanese or no, Chihuahua.
Do you want to up close look?
No, no, no.
From here is good.
Yeah.
Fine.
I feel like nothing's going to change.
It's not a, she's not a magic eye.
It's just a dog.
A magic eye?
I don't need to get closer to see what the image is.
You don't know what a magic eye is?
Is that those things and then you press the button and-
No, look up magic eye.
Magic eye was a thing.
It was like a scrambling of an image.
And if you got closer and pulled away slowly, look, there's a magic eye.
If you got closer and you, and you pulled away, you got to see the image that
was layered
within that.
It's actually incredible technology.
Do you remember magic eye?
Well, I, is that the one where you look, it's on glass and then you have to see
through
the glass and then the images comes 3d.
I mean, I kind of just explained it seconds ago, but yeah.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I mean, moments ago, if we can rewind two seconds, it's different than what I'm
talking
about.
No, no.
If you got closer and as you slowly pull away, your eyes readjust, there is an
image within
that image.
He's thinking, but is it 3d though?
Well, dude, yeah.
Okay.
Well then because the ones that my mom has one, it says, I love New York, but
she doesn't
want people to really know.
So they have to figure it out.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It says, I love New York, but it's this thing.
And she doesn't realize that she just thinks it's that.
Oh, that's so funny.
It's so beautiful.
The color.
I go, no, but it's a thing.
Art.
Good art.
It's good art, right?
It is good art.
And I, I stared at it and I went away as you see the buildings and I love New
York and
I go, mom, look, and she, no, it's red.
It's good.
You know what I mean?
So she doesn't, but so are we talking about the same thing?
Yeah.
When Asians do magic eye, how do you have to get closer?
You think, or because your eyes are strained more often than ours, maybe it's
like longer.
I need a longer panoramic, panoramic, panoramic, panoramic, panoramic.
Can I ask a question?
No, no, no.
Anyway, is that true or are you being funny?
Cause I'm actually curious.
This guy, this fucking first time, last time on the show, can I tell you what
this guy does?
I'm fine with that.
Yeah.
We love you.
We love you too.
Can I tell you, so this guy, he like, when I was 18, he's, he helped me get in
the commies.
There was a big deal for me.
He helped you get in.
He helped me get in, you know?
And like, and he was very kind.
And then like every, but then, like once, every three years, he comes up to me
and says
the sweetest, kindest thing, which means the world to me because I admire you
so much as
a comedian.
And, and, but, but then in between, he's weird to me the whole time.
Yeah.
And like.
That's love.
It's very, but so.
How am I to you?
You touch.
Be honest.
Be honest.
We don't talk.
We don't talk that much, but you're always kind.
Oh, we say hi.
We say hi.
We have a kind exchange.
What did I touch?
I touched, what did I touch?
I do touch your butt a lot.
Yeah.
And you've apologized for it.
Then you do it again.
I do it every time.
Why do you touch his butt?
Got a great little tush.
He does.
Do you have a great little tush?
Yeah.
Thank you.
But it doesn't make you uncomfortable, but I do apologize cause I go, he
probably doesn't
want me to touch his tush, but I do a little tip tap as I go by in the hallway
because it's
a nice tush.
It sounds like you come quick.
Oh yeah.
You come quick.
No, actually.
Are you single?
Are you single right now?
Whoa, wait.
You last in bed?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm uncircumcised.
I'm actually circumcised.
We're all circumcised.
We're all circumcised.
Yeah.
What does that have to do with anything?
I've talked to people about this.
Isn't circumcised making it harder to?
Well, they say if you've got the sleeve, it's more sensitive, but, and you've
been clipped.
You have a helmet.
We all have a helmet, buddy.
We're all.
Yeah, we got helmets.
It's war.
You need a helmet.
It's war.
Wait, a helmet?
Wait, I don't understand.
Helmet?
What is a helmet?
Helmet means you're uncircumcised, no?
Circumcised, man.
Circumcised means you have a helmet?
Well, it doesn't look like a helmet.
I mean, what does your, how do your penis look like?
Should I look right now?
No, no, no.
Well, you can, yeah.
Are there two parts to it?
Or is it just one solid kit?
You have a sleeve covering up the head of your penis?
My penis is in one piece.
Let me tell you something.
Does your dick look like this?
Or does it look like this?
I thought, I'm not kidding.
I thought that was the helmet because it covers it.
Buddy, this is the helmet when it's out in the open.
This is if you've got a cloak on.
You have a sleeve.
Yeah.
You're sleeved up.
This is uncircumcised.
They've got sleeves.
But that's not the helmet?
No, it's not.
No, man.
It's a hoodie.
It's a hoodie.
It's a hoodie.
It's a hoodie.
You know, you ever see Assassin's Creed?
Yeah.
He's out slashing, slashing.
Right?
Yeah.
And then when he's fucking, he takes it off.
Helmet.
Helmet.
How do you know that?
Y