Name: Christmas Gift: Best of Patreon | Bonus Episode | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2023-12-23T17:00:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Christmas Gift: Best of Patreon | Bonus Episode | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Christmas Gift: Best of Patreon | Bonus Episode | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-23. Transcript available.

Christmas Gift: Best of Patreon | Bonus Episode | Bad Friends

Hey, hi guys. Welcome back. Welcome back to Bad Friends. And what did we create
for you guys on the Patreon?
The world. We created the best of some great tidbits and snips from this year.
The best of the tidbits and snips. Snips and tidbits. And also the worst.
And some of the worst. And they're available on YouTube. And if you like what
you see,
you can join the Patreon to get more of this and more of Bad Friends content.
If you don't, it's not, it's number one. If you don't join, it's fine.
That's fine. But you're just not cool.
You're not cool.
You know, and if you want to be cool, do it.
Slash Bad Friends. Patreon.com slash Bad Friends is where you can get access to
all the stuff we did over the course of the year and what we're doing next year.
We have some fun stuff planned. Go to Patreon.com slash Bad Friends.
Okay, our next case is Daniel Ortiz versus his brother.
Wants to take his brother to court because of dog support.
I like to consider myself as the primary caretaker of the ass-faced dog, a blue-nosed
pitbull named Tyson.
And his brother, I guess, is taking it from him.
We need a better reader.
We need a better reader. We need someone that speaks English.
I didn't understand a word you said.
And let me tell you something. Thank you, Carlos.
Okay, it's basically that his brother is taking back his dog that he took care
of for six years.
Okay, I'll tell you what. It's a blue-nosed pit.
Blue-nosed pit.
Get him in the ring. Let him start fighting for money.
Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop.
What do you say, honorable?
What I say is that you give him to a Vietnamese family.
Vietnamese family and let them...
Let it survive.
Let it survive.
If it survives for a year...
Yep, sometimes they do.
They do.
Right? Then you keep it.
Mm-hmm. Next.
All right, we have Arnold Chiari versus his friend in Norway.
Ooh, I hate Norwegians.
I was out at a club with a friend, but after the clubs closed, I went to an
after party with some other friends that I met at that club.
But the friend I originally came with was really mad at me and still won't
return my calls.
Because you bailed.
But the thing is, he had work at 9 a.m.
This case is about this gentleman ditching his friend.
I got to tell you something.
Here's my number one rule.
Be real, be real, though.
If you're not having fun, you're allowed to leave at any point in the night.
Exactly.
There's nothing wrong with that.
Right.
You're not his babysitter.
No.
You're not his parent, right?
He has his own choices.
You made a choice.
Now, did you ask him if you wanted to come with...
I mean, maybe that's what he was hurt by.
But he should have said that.
And if he didn't say that, guess whose fault it is?
Who?
Yours.
Whoever the guy's name is.
Yeah, yeah.
You should have said to your friend, you should have said, like, hey, do I want
to go out with these cooler guys?
I got cooler people to go out with.
Yeah, yeah.
You want to come?
If you came up to me and said, hey, man, I got to go out with these cooler guys,
but you're not allowed to come, I would say, I bid you adieu.
I wish you luck.
But that'd be ridiculous because you're the coolest guy I know.
You're the coolest guy I know.
Hey, honorable.
Honorable you.
Honorable doesn't do enough justice, wink, wink, to who you really are to me.
You're more than honorable.
Yes.
You're above honor.
Next.
Hey, bad friends, crew.
Got a little predicament here.
I'm a white man.
Evil, evil, evil.
I'm just curious.
When it comes to the emojis, if I change all of mine to a black guy, is that
blackface?
You got to let me know, please.
It's actually a really good question.
That's such a good question.
Such a good question.
I got to tell you.
That's a great question.
Because I do the black fist.
When I text people back, I black fist all the time.
I do eggplant.
You do.
Well, that's you.
Yeah.
That's black dick.
Yeah, that's black dick.
Yeah.
I think there's nothing wrong with using different colored emojis.
They put them in there.
No, I think it's blackface.
No, it's not.
It is, dude.
All mine are yellow.
Well, they started all yellow.
That's right.
That's who makes the phone.
Yeah.
By the way, they were sitting in the programming room.
They're like, what color should everyone be?
And someone's like, yellow.
Yeah.
I'm like, all right.
I think that's not blackface.
I think you're good.
I think you should keep doing it.
Yeah.
Now, if you put your face as a blackface and then you follow it up by using the
N-word.
That's not good.
That's probably not good.
Yeah.
But I think it's good.
I think you're in good shape.
I love using emojis that don't make any sense.
I do that all the time.
Like I'll send somebody like a fire engine truck or something.
Yeah.
I like that.
Yeah.
And they're like, what?
That's it.
I like the telescope.
I use the telescope sometimes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What is that for?
Why do people sometimes do the big eye one?
No, not that one.
It's like an oval Y, like a suspicious eyes.
Oh, I like it.
Yeah.
Because they're like, what are you talking about?
Yeah.
We're like, what's going on?
Is that what that is?
Yeah.
I don't like it.
I like that one.
You do?
Yeah.
Because you cannot have the eye.
Huh?
Oh, they're doing it to mock you, Bob.
Big eyes.
That's them going, look what you can't do.
My honorable grandmaster and Bobby and Supreme Leader Andrew, I hereby present
you the case
of the poorly shower, poopy shower bath drain.
Me and my wife have been together for 10 years.
We have an amazing time together.
Recently, our love has been put to the test.
I'm a man who loves a clean house.
And so I have to have a calm mind.
I like cleaning and satisfaction to feel this actually clean.
I have a battle with a shower bath drain in the bathroom.
It smells like a bowel of a rotten corpse.
I never seem to get the smell to go away for more than a few days.
It always comes back.
So when I go to take a bath and water gets in the drain, it's like a bathing in
a toilet
filled with poop.
A few days ago, my wife was showering.
My lovely and as a lovely husband, I was bringing some towels.
But when I opened the door, she was squatting.
I could see her shitting in the drain.
She later told me that she always has done it.
And it's nothing weird.
I also told her I wanted her to stop.
She then went on and told me I was trying to control her and that she was going
to continue
with her disgusting activities.
Is this normal?
Am I ready to tell her to stop?
I await your humble judgment.
Another question I have is why?
It doesn't explain why.
Okay, do you have a good divorce attorney?
Because this is absolutely divorce.
My wife is pooping in the shower drain.
There's a toilet within a foot away of it.
I guarantee it.
Can I defend her?
You've pooped in the tub?
You've pooped in the tub.
I've done something equal.
What?
And I still do it.
Hmm.
So this is what I did.
It's insane.
I'm going to throw up.
You're not going to throw up.
But it's fucking insane.
And the other day I did it because I've done it millions of times.
But the other day I was doing it was like, what am I doing?
So I was watching.
What I do is I go to the kitchen and I'll watch iPad.
So I'll watch, you know, Arsenal videos on YouTube or whatever, right?
And then I'll go, God, I got to go to the bathroom, right?
But instead of going to the bathroom, I just pick up.
There's all these cups laying around.
So I'll just pick up a cup and I'll just pee there.
Why?
Because I don't want to go there.
It's six feet away.
I don't want to go there.
I don't want to go there.
You piss in a cup that you drink out of?
I want to do this.
In a cup.
I'm watching video.
You drink out of the cup.
I wash them for, that's insane and that's nasty.
And I, I, I resent.
Fuck you.
I resent the allegations.
What the fuck do you mean?
You piss in a cup that you drink out of.
You piss in, you clean it, you still drunk, you still drank out of it.
I know, why do I do it?
Yes, it's gross.
Have you guys ever done that?
No.
Yes.
Pete.
What?
In the, in the car.
Like I just find a, he's in his kitchen.
I'm in like, oh, oh, oh, but can I say another thing?
Holy fuck.
You're in your fucking house.
You have six bathrooms.
So one time I looked out my window, right?
Of my house.
No.
I looked through the, like, you know, I have these little window.
I look out and I see Theo Vaughn peeing on my, like not in the house, but there's
a wall.
Yeah, man.
Just peeing all over the wall.
And they go, dude, there's a bathroom five feet away.
He goes, I had to go right now.
Hmm.
And so, and then I understood it.
I go, I get it.
It's outside.
Peeing outside is fine.
Pissing inside.
On my house?
It's going to go, it's going to wash away.
It doesn't matter.
He's peeing on my house.
It's so disrespectful.
Why do you think Ozzy Osbourne got fucking trouble for peeing on the Alamo?
Well, that's the Alamo, dude.
My house is my Alamo, dude.
There's been wars.
Well, then I'm, I'm, I hope.
My point is this, okay?
I understand the psychology of like, I'd rather do it now.
Pooping.
And go in five seconds.
In a tub, pooping in a tub.
I'm not saying pissing, buddy.
You're saying pissing.
This is a woman.
So you're saying mine's okay?
It, it, no, it's not okay.
It's less gross than this.
Okay.
This is shitting in the fucking tub drain.
You know what usually goes down a tub drain?
Yeah.
Water.
Poop.
It's not made for poop.
Look, can I say something?
I think you're wrong.
Andrew.
I'll tell you why.
What?
Go ahead.
I had diarrhea.
Here we go.
You're going to fucking defend.
Go ahead.
I love this.
Like 10 days ago.
In your bathtub?
I love it.
I was showering and I just had to go so bad.
There we go.
I don't want to be on this show anymore.
You have to.
I'm disgusted by the people that are on this show.
Dude.
Because you don't know what's possible.
I have a great imagination.
That's not possible.
I think that's what it is.
You're limited in your imagination.
You don't know what's possible.
First of all.
First of all.
Carlos and I know what's possible.
Yeah.
You're both repulsive.
No, we're not.
It's not repulsive.
We know the possibilities.
We see a drain.
If either of you poop in a drain of your shower or your bathtub, you're fucking
repulsive to me.
Okay.
To you.
But to me, you're a hero.
No, no, no.
To 99.9% of Americans, you're fucking repulsive if you poop in the tub.
That's Anglo-Saxon, Christian, fundamentalist bullshit.
That's right.
This is a white person theology.
What I'm saying to you is that I like your imaginations and you know the
possibilities.
Yeah.
I had to go.
That's why you're both single.
And that lady right there.
This is why you're both single.
That's fucking rude.
I'm a fat Asian guy.
That's part of it.
But, but, but, by the way.
Yeah.
Nevermind the fact this isn't just a shower.
It's where he fucking, it's where they take baths.
She does too.
They poop in the same drain that they bathe in.
So when they stop the drain.
Oh, you're insane.
That's poop particles that come back up.
That they don't come back up.
Yes, they do.
They go where they must.
No, it's heavy.
No, no, no.
Poop particles are light.
How light are poop particles?
I think it's coming up because she's doing it so consistently.
So when he.
She's shitting in there constantly.
Yeah.
I bet you that thing has clogged the shit.
I know what it is.
I know what she's doing.
It's poop in the drain.
I just realized why she's doing it.
They can't afford a duvet.
A duvet cover for their bed?
Not duvet.
Not duvet.
What's it called?
A bidet.
A bidet.
Let me tell you something.
All right.
Judging by the sound of this, they can't afford a duvet either.
All right.
These people sleep on the floor without a doubt.
These people sleep without blankets on the floor.
No, but think of the theory though.
All right.
I want to shit and wash my ass with water.
Then poop in the toilet and then get in the fucking, then you can get in an
open.
Look, after I shit, I get in the shower and I wash my body, including my
asshole, but
I don't poop in the drain in the shower.
Dude, you pr