Name: Bobby Loves Giant Melons | Ep 208 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2024-03-04T17:00:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby Loves Giant Melons | Ep 208 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby Loves Giant Melons | Ep 208 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-03-04. Transcript available.

Bobby Loves Giant Melons | Ep 208 | Bad Friends

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I am running new jokes to put together my new hour.
I'm in Houston, Tampa, Phoenix, Nashville, Dallas, San Francisco.
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Go to AndrewSantino.com for those tickets.
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You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
Hey.
Hi.
Hey.
Hi.
It's good.
Wow.
Long Beach.
I know this guy, but that was good enough.
I loved Long Beach.
That was such a fun time.
Did you not have so much fun?
Not just fun.
It was just kind of magical too.
Sometimes there's magic.
There was magic in the air.
Yeah.
And I'll tell you this.
Proud moment.
What's your proud moment?
Proud boy moment?
Yeah.
I think a proud boy moment last night was all of our agents and managers
showing up simultaneously.
And talking.
And they talked actually for the first time in a long time.
There was hugs going on talking.
I was like, what's going on here?
A couple of hugs.
A lot of hugs.
And then I had all.
What?
What about the goop?
That's what, that's my.
Yeah.
That was the win.
I was going to let you get there.
I didn't want you to get cut off by one of the producers.
I wanted you to get there organically, but that's okay.
I know we were going to get there too.
The proud moment last night was for the fans.
Hearing backstage people go goop, goop, goop, goop.
The goop did five minutes.
10.
10 minutes.
I don't even know.
You told me.
I told him.
What'd I say?
Can we just talk?
Go ahead.
So you came up to me.
The goop can only do like, like, just bring them up and then take them out.
Well, here's why.
I know.
I understand why.
We started 25 minutes late.
The fans.
I was like, oh, people are being, people are going to get ornery.
Yeah.
And also this is my production brain.
The seats were, there was no middle row.
So if you were in the middle and you had to get up to piss.
You had to get up and be, excuse me, excuse me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
For like 60 seats.
Yeah.
So I was like, man, people are going to be antsy to get the show going.
So we started late.
Then we had two of our friends who are store employees go up first.
So now the show is, you know, now we're getting deep into the show.
And I thought, all right, if goop goes on now and drags his feet, we're in some
trouble.
But when I talk to, I know, but here's what happens.
You tell me maybe the goop shouldn't do it or maybe just say hi.
Because he was so nervous about it.
He goes, I don't want to do it.
The thing about the goop, dude.
He came through.
Not just came through.
Guys like the goop, dude, they say, I don't know what I'm doing.
I'm sweaty.
You know what I mean?
I eat Skittles.
You know what I mean?
I have all these conditions.
Yeah, I have diabetes.
Yeah.
Right.
He goes up there and he hits a home run.
And I realized that night, I go, he's one of those.
Yeah.
He, he, he's a liar.
Yeah.
He walks around going, I don't know nothing, but you know everything.
Yeah, he does.
Right.
He's like my brother in that way.
My brother acts shy and stuff, but then he can do it.
He can do all of it.
Yeah.
He can do all of it.
My point is, is that goop, you're a liar.
I bet you money too.
He taps ass.
Yeah.
He taps ass.
Probably five times a night.
We're not, we're not aware.
We think he's five, five different women.
Wow.
Wow.
And men.
Wow.
And one gerbil.
Oh.
Yeah.
And that gerbil dies.
Wow.
A painful death.
You get a new one.
Just inside.
Oh, he hangs himself?
What?
He hangs himself?
No, he's in the hole.
He's in his asshole.
He just grabs a butt hair and just brings it inside.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The goop crush last night.
He crushed.
And then who else?
Ramsey and Angie, two employees of the store did great on the show.
They still opened the show.
Then the goop, then jet ski and Bobby and me and the crowd was on fire.
And then Angie today, she goes, thank you for the greatest moment of my life.
Really?
Yeah.
It was the, she said it was the best moment of her life.
You have to understand these, these people that work the door, what they get
the belly
room or every once in a while, they don't get thousands and thousands of people
cheering
them on, you know?
And so it was a magical moment for her.
And then, um, some celebrities showed up.
We wanted to name who, but some celebrities showed up.
We can say that's not a big deal.
Our friend, my, our friends, uh, Rob McElhenney and Caitlin, uh, Olson.
Yeah.
From the always sunny showed up.
Yes.
Super sweet and kind.
They're there.
They absolutely love the show.
Rob texted me this morning.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And he was like, how fucking fun.
Oh, wow.
So happy for you guys.
He was like, how fun.
And I told him, I said, I'm giving you a heads up.
This is not a typical standup show.
Like, cause they were like, Hey, we want to come to that show.
And I said, it's not going to be what you think.
It's going to be weird.
There's going to be standup.
There's going to be bits from the show.
It's going to be kind of unique for our audience, for the bad friend.
Yeah.
Bad friends audiences.
They know what's coming.
Yeah.
And he was like, it was perfect.
It was so.
Yeah.
He was so, they were both six.
Oh my God.
They were so sweet backstage.
Oh dude.
Who else did we have?
Are you kidding me?
We have done founded back there.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We had a lot of cool people come.
And then.
What happened?
Then the agents.
Mm-hmm.
I know.
Can we get some money before we leave?
Yeah.
Oh, this is what they did.
Yeah.
They flew into my dresser.
Well, they first went into your dressing room.
Yeah.
They all went into mine.
Yeah.
I was like, I was like, what are they?
I heard the flapping.
Mm-hmm.
And the insect antennas.
Buzzing around.
Right.
We're making fun of agents cause they're just kind of buzzing.
Yeah, they're buzzing.
Yeah.
They're always like.
So they came into my room.
Oh, they're biz buzzing by you.
And they were like, this is our new one.
So they had a new agent.
Yeah.
They did bring somebody new.
You're right.
And there's a, she's your girl now.
Oh really?
Like it's some sort of sacrifice or something.
Yeah.
Right.
And then I go, who is she?
She's like, she's the one.
And every year there's a one.
There's a one.
They promise me the world.
And guess what?
None of it happens.
I don't even get the world.
I get nothing.
You get like a.
Zero.
You get like Ohio.
You don't get the world.
You get Ohio.
Oh, Ohio.
I get a couple of gigs, couple of lines and some things.
But they're always like, yeah, it's coming.
You're the next big thing.
It's not.
Nah.
And you know what?
When you realize that.
That's okay.
I feel more at bay.
I feel more at peace.
Yeah.
With the world.
It is what it is.
It is what it is, dude.
Also last night, pulling the Australian kid from the crowd was great.
Oh, he was.
Fantastic.
Dude.
What's such a, what a sweet boy.
And it's nice to know we got fans down under.
He didn't kiss me though.
I was a little annoyed by that.
Annoyed.
Yeah.
Pissed me off.
I would've killed.
Cause here you were face to face.
You're a handsome guy.
He's a handsome guy.
Why not make the moment more special?
Mm.
Why not make the moment a little bit more special and give a little, one little
smooch.
That's all you wanted.
Yeah.
But he kept like, and I was like, I can't force it.
I know you can't.
There's thousands of people watching.
Three actually.
Yeah.
That'd be bad.
Three of all the witnesses.
Yeah.
It was a beautiful theater too.
What a beautiful.
That's where Richard Pryor shot Richard Pryor live in 1979.
Wow.
Do you know that?
Sometimes I'm like, wow, this is crazy.
But zoom in, if you don't mind.
At the bottom, this was in the hallway on the way to the state.
I saw it.
And it says on December 10th, 1979, Richard Pryor filmed Richard Pryor live in
concert
right here on the terrorist theater stage.
Hailed as the single greatest standup performance ever captured on film.
This film not only had raw humor on police brutality, sex, race, marriage, but
also helped kick
off the standup boom of the 1980s performing in the same stage as Richard Pryor.
It was both an aspiration and a profound honor symbolizing the completion of a
comedic journey.
Break a leg out there.
I thought that was a, what a beautiful thing.
And I read that literally before we started the show.
Wow.
Cause I kind of saw the poster.
You see posters that you pass through these hallways and you think, oh, they
showed like
Elvis had performed there.
They said the, the, the Beatles, like they had all the posters in the basement.
Yeah.
And it is amazing.
You're like, we're sharing these stage, but this just hit me in the chest for
some reason.
It was like, wow, this dude filmed there, chose there.
The Beatles performed there?
Beatles.
And the Rolling Stones probably.
Beatles, Stones, Elvis.
Dude, the basement was the amount of people that performed there was shocking.
Yeah.
And I think we forget sometimes we're in that same venue.
We're not Elvis.
First of all, we are Elvis.
No, we're not.
We are our Elvis.
Yeah.
Elvis.
Yeah.
Okay.
We're Elvis with a butthole.
Elvis didn't show the audience their butthole.
Yes, he did.
That's why he would shake.
Oh.
He was loosening up.
The fucking Australian guy last night with my ass out.
Yeah.
Elvis didn't have the balls to do that.
Yeah.
And I'm like 69 this guy, this Australian guy.
He's freaking out.
And I look and I see my manager looking at me going, and I'm like, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
There is a tape I heard.
Google this.
Elvis talking to girlfriend from war.
What?
There was a recorded phone call of Elvis talking to his girlfriend over the
phone from war.
Hey, baby.
No, it's funny.
She's like pissed off because she's like, what's going on out there with all
the other girls?
And he's like, there's no other girls, baby.
She's like, yeah, this is it.
This is it.
Okay, good.
Play this.
Okay, I don't think anything about my target.
Because you don't think of me.
No.
Because you don't miss me.
No, that's fine.
Oh, shit.
Well, that's what it seems like to me, Elvis.
I don't know.
I'm fine.
But I don't.
See, he's dealing with it.
They haven't changed.
They haven't changed.
Throughout the time.
Cavemen did this.
You know what I mean?
Oh, my God.
Hey.
I was.
I was.
I was.
I was.
I was.
I was.
Wow.
They haven't changed.
She says at some point.
I'm not a baby.
I'm a grown lady.
She says at some point, I want to smack you and beat the shit out of you.
Yeah.
She's like, I want to hurt you and hit you.
But you hear this whole Anita Wood conversation.
And I swear to God, I had the same thought.
I thought it's the same.
Nothing was different.
We have this fascination that back then there was like a glitz and a glamour to
it.
Where it's like, you know, where it's like, my love, I miss you so much.
I can't wait to get.
She's like, I miss you too.
I can't wait to feel your embrace.
And so she's like, I want to hit you in your fucking head, Elvis.
Yeah.
And he's like, you ain't gonna do that.
You ain't gonna do that.
Yeah.
That's really what happens today.
Nothing's different.
But he had power that we don't have now.
Well, he was the global.
He could literally walk into anywhere.
Hey, baby.
Fuck my dick.
But listen.
And they were like, okay.
I mean, there's no other.
I mean, it wouldn't even.
That's how much fame he had.
Yeah, sure.
This is when like the Beatles show up and people would faint.
Who's, who faints now?
If somebody fainted for you, I'd love every single second of it.
No, I would be concerned.
I'd go, are you okay?
You know.
Get him to the hospital.
No, I'd leave him there.
Those.
No kidding.
Well, anyway, we share the stage with some of the