Name: Heaven's Back Door | Ep 216 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2024-04-29T16:00:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Heaven's Back Door | Ep 216 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-04-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Heaven's Back Door | Ep 216 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-04-29. Transcript available.

Heaven's Back Door | Ep 216 | Bad Friends

you two are bad friends who are these two idiots white dude and an asian dude
you two are disgusting
well you two are something we're bad friends so what i want to say to you that
is that's my final
straw okay and i and before when i came here dude no no no just hear me out
hear me out hear me out
dude hear me out right we're not even gonna air this part we are airing this i'm
putting my foot
down dude put it down i'm tired of being don't walk on tread on me don't tread
on me all right
i have a statement all right so here's my statement i have a statement as well
okay
since the last podcast youtube macone i've been thinking about the thing ways
you guys treat me
you treat me like not you okay thank god i wasn't even i didn't say your name
you looked over here
so i thought it was me no i was i was looking for backage affirmation backage
oh backage yeah
yeah blockage or backage my back i've got your backage that's right yeah you
got my back now let
me tell you something you scumbags listen up yeah all of you what me too no you're
good okay yeah
just those two go ahead no you go oh yeah you listen up man backing up and i'm
being
i'm just being korean no no when i do that's not right okay okay i'm trying to
back obviously i am
yeah always yeah right so um sometimes i feel black hmm i do dude okay yeah i
mean al green what are you
tonight are you black are you black or korean tonight i'm a minion armenian
tonight we'll get
them baby yeah i feel i have extra hair on my legs and i played chess at the
park today yeah no you
move your car yeah yeah yeah all right so you know and i'm being completely
honest okay and i'm being
very mindful all right so you know the last time we worked together you ripped
on me a couple times
without out of nowhere youtube mccone saying that i'm a bad actor which is
really interesting because
i had directors come over to my house today and to pitch me on a movie so many
different opportunities
but um you know to each his own but what i'm going to say to you is is that and
i came in here i was
joking around like going i'm not going to do your movie but because you slammed
my dick just not being
real right i'm saying my dick is small and i have to spread it around very
funny by the way it was and
touche to you but what i'm going to say to you is i will not work for you as an
actor this is this is
the only me not for me no i'm not going to do anything with with or for or
behind anything nothing
only this pod because look i'm sure there's contract signed well he works for
us exactly so um
find somebody else i'm not doing it can i read my statement no no i i don't
care what it is i will
not do it i'm too busy it was a favor in the first place but i only do favors
for people that have
my package package package package people package boys and there's no back
there let's let's hear
your let me hear your statement yeah okay first of all uh i want to say that no
one has forced me
to read this and then i'm doing it on my free will okay i recognize that lately
my actions on this
show have not have been less than ideal i realized that making fun of obvi is
out of pocket i was
taught that in comedy you have to punch up but maybe i am a little too high so
from now on i'll be
switching teams aim a little lower and i'll direct my really funny tips at santino
thank you okay
what do you think that's a pretty good statement it's not good by the way you
come at me i'm gonna
rip you to shred right and also i know i'm scared literally i don't trust it oh
you literally
i don't do you think his wife wrote that someone else wrote that that doesn't
sound like you oh
and also i want a statement that you haven't written because that's that's you're
you're thinking
about he's thinking about right what i'm saying is i want a statement from the
heart
not premeditated not premeditated i want you to be in the moment and really
feel your feelings and
express yourself right i don't think you're capable of doing that no you're not
because you're a shallow
of a man yeah you're right you're a baja shelf do you know what that is no i
got that at baja fresh
once yeah a baja shelf is a thing in a swimming pool that's like the little
shallow area for little
babies to sit on oh i learned something new everything look at that that's a
baja shelf you are a baja
shelf dude you're a bio shelf for sure you're a baja shelf now i'll take it no
you don't take it i don't
take it no yeah yeah bobby i love you you're the funniest person i know it's
not working well like
can we celebrate today what's going on oj died that's not celebrating what are
you talking about
ding dong the witch is dead i'm not celebrating oh you are you think he didn't
do it do what oh okay no no
whoa whoa whoa whoa the glove didn't fit yeah well you must acquit that's acquit
no um
do what murder his wife
no i um a guy who has no idea yeah he 100 did that i mean right by the way the
devil got him
finally they tried to put him away in jail didn't work yeah then he died of
cancer cancer he was 70 what he
was 74 or 76 pretty young that's relatively young yeah 76 yeah yeah i mean richard
lewis died at 76 and
he didn't murder anybody so it's like i think i think richard died from cancer
and he died uh a happy
life he lived a happy wonderful beautiful life he was a happy man this guy was
tortured his entire
as rightfully so he was tortured until the end of his life right he couldn't
get away from what if he didn't
do it though who do you think did he could she could it could have been like a
double suicide you know
kato kalin would have been that stabbed like what 10 000 times yeah she could
have went then no no he
did it he could have done it yeah that was the word that's the worst part about
i'm not i don't know
anything i'm not a lawyer i'm a dumb guy why don't you have to prove who did do
it then
what what no whoa whoa you're blowing my mind right what how come you never
have to prove who
did it if you find out he didn't do it how come then then it goes away well he
did it no but they
proved that he didn't but he still did it i know so if he did it why would you
go like he did it why
would i go oh let's find somebody else that did it no but i'm saying they they
proved quote unquote
that he didn't do it in in in in a court of law he lost civil but he won the
legal right so legally
they said he didn't kill her he didn't legally yes he did i know he did so who
then if they say
no who did it this is like who's on first this is like the newest yeah yeah
yeah i get what you're
saying okay legally when it comes to murder murder in the first degree when it
comes to it it said he
didn't do it exactly so whom did he did you know what i mean it's like you know
and at the ultimate
test if there's a heaven or hell this is brilliant right yeah right yeah that's
where we'll find out
oh right right right now if i die and i go to heaven and oj is just chilling
right how shocked
i would be there's so many people up there that would be like if you saw hitler
yeah i'd be shocked
bobby great to see you yeah yeah hitler yeah that would be doing up here yeah
or i'm like chilling
on a cloud right yeah and i look over and it's like you know and dahmer's
chewing on something
a human foot yeah yeah yeah but it's like oh we oh we have machines that do it
happy that you got in
here yeah by the way hitler how funny if hitler's like you're not gonna believe
this there's a back
door oh he got in he was able to oh wow there's a back door to heaven you know
what's so funny is
even if you're a bad person in the afterlife like hitler and one of these guys
i bet you they know
enough people to get in still just like it's just like hollywood in the real
world how about this
if hitler was alive today i got one for you too if you were throwing a house
party right and here you
go oh oh oh yeah i'm coming i'm coming there's so much music there's so much
you know man yeah
hello hello hello hey it's me it's hitler oh oh how do we i saw i heard this
was a party i could go to
to have a good time yeah but who was the what do you mean who how did i what's
weird is that this
is not like a normal party it's my my best friend who's jewish it's a bar mitzvah
i loved you i know
but wait no i just think i know but i just think that your presence here it's
just gonna root he's
12 13. are you gonna believe all the rumors about me and not regularly get to
know me as a real man
i know i've just read too much i think so you've read too much about me i did
but what you believe
all everything yes you read i'll tell you what you read about i'll tell you
what name one thing i did
how about this yeah name six million things i did wrong right right right i can't
i get what you're
doing yeah so anyway what would you do if he came i'd let him in sit him down
sit him down reprimand
him for his crimes he's almost want to know what was going on in his head right
he's almost too big
to not let him in that's what i'm saying is that weird to say it's like you
know what i mean he's
he's a legend in the worst way possible right he's in he's a legend no this is
something interesting
he's so infamous you would want to talk to him first i want to jesus christ i
mean in terms of
like i just said hitler but in terms of like you know i mean historical
legendary yeah characters right
hitler's one cleopatra has got to be one like you wouldn't say no cleopatra
yeah no that's what i'm
saying he's hot too in black what about i need black people in my life like pol
pot what you want
the i want to understand no they don't know pol pot genghis khan but definitely
i want to know
definitely gang you want to go how are you so insane right what's going how did
this happen exactly
i think his like bit like job job dude job's a sad character i'm letting job in
yeah yeah and just all
his woes who how many people died this is my wife and you know i mean and my
children and you know
famine but then he gave me a hotter wife or whatever happened you know i mean i'd
want to know yeah i
gotta know what drove i'm going to throw you some names and see if you let them
in okay stalin
yeah i got his books yeah i'll use biography yeah i got a good one dude uh-huh
vlad the impaler love
would love to know why why one of the most one of the most fascinating people
on earth yeah but what
if he brings like you know about like a head with him yeah no uh i brought my
guillotine
vlad do you bring your guillotine to the party my guillotine
i'm sorry are you saying your valentine what do you think happy valentine's day
i brought my guillotine for valentine's day wow so um that's interesting did
you hear about this
vietnamese woman i love them she's getting the death penalty uh-huh why viet vietnam
sentences
real estate tycoon you you say it because i bet you i guess you know oh i don't
know what is it
vietnam ct real estate tycoon trung my land that's the largest ever far place
we're getting him to learn yeah i'll do it again look you give me another shot
here
go back vietnamese sentences real estate tycoon trung my lawn to death is
i'm gonna do it as a news you know what i want to in a will you reach out to kcal
the news local la
news to see if we could become a newscasters for a day to see if he could do
the i want to see
i don't want to let me give me the shot can you imagine him trying to do the
the the oh i can
dude i'm so good at teleprompter dude really so i'm in so i'm in that's not
even moving it's my
eyesight though all right right teleprompters move this isn't even moving and
you can't read it
is the far hard thing to say all right here we go vietnamese sentences real
estate already
wrong oh yeah that's right vietnam sentences real estate tycoon trung my lawn
to death in its largest
ever fraud case that's good but it's so hard to hear you do it why because i
can hear you going
do it it's like robotic that's i'm a newscaster oh oh i'm doing it as a news
guy i'll show you how
newscasters do it i do it you always try to show me up man vie