Name: Andrew's Airplane Emergency | Ep 220 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2024-05-27T16:00:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Andrew's Airplane Emergency | Ep 220 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Andrew's Airplane Emergency | Ep 220 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-27. Transcript available.

Andrew's Airplane Emergency | Ep 220 | Bad Friends

You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
Dude, I was so worried about you.
Thank you, baby.
We thought you were gonna die.
I definitely thought I was gonna die.
I can do the quickest version of the story.
No, we want the slow version.
Slow burn.
Well, first of all, welcome back, Fancy B,
from Espana.
Second of all.
My agents call me.
They go, you're not doing it.
And I go, what?
What?
The zombie movie.
Oh, his movie.
And I go, I have to do it.
You cannot do it.
I've never seen my agents call me
and just beg me not to do a movie.
Did they read the script?
Yeah, they liked the script.
They saw the No Money.
Right.
Spain.
Right.
Years.
A lot of things layered.
Yeah, there's not really a lot of incentive to do it.
I read it on the plane,
and that's why I had a medical emergency,
because I was reading.
I'm doing it anyway.
I know.
I love you.
So I get a text message.
I get a text message from Jesse, our old friend, Jetsky.
Right?
It says, oh, my God, I can share the photo.
Oh, my God, I'm on a plane and Andrew Santino just overdosed.
Okay, I know.
But, okay, not just that.
Yeah.
I get a call from TMZ.
They called my agents, yeah.
Right.
And TMZ's like, is he alive?
You didn't answer the phone.
Did you answer the phone?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Why are you answering the phone?
I go, who's alive?
Yeah, who's alive?
Your boy.
We heard drugs and this.
I go.
It's crazy.
No, what?
No.
Right.
It was diarrhea.
It was diarrhea, right?
Yeah.
It was diarrhea.
Do you faint into the plane, though?
Kills people every year.
Which kills a lot of people.
55,000 people in first world countries, by the way.
200,000 globally.
How does diarrhea kill you?
What do you, dehydration?
Drink water.
No, dude.
When I have diarrhea, I drink water while I'm doing diarrhea.
I'm going to replenish right then.
1.5 million people died from diarrhea.
Holy fuck, I didn't know that.
In 2019.
That's so many.
So here's what really happened.
I didn't overdose.
And also, we apologized already to the fans of Abu Dhabi.
I was advising.
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry we couldn't go.
So I was sick in Nashville, right?
Saturday, I didn't feel that good.
Saturday, late show, okay?
No booze, no nothing.
Nothing.
Just eat a meal.
Not feeling right.
Go to bed.
Sunday morning, I wake up.
Back up, back up.
Yeah.
What's the feeling?
How do I start?
What's the beginning of it?
No, no.
What I'm saying is that I'm not feeling right.
I want to be specific because I want to know if I have those symptoms, what to
do.
Okay.
So-
Well, I'll tell you what not to do.
Don't get on a flight.
All right.
Juicy farts.
No, it's not farts yet.
Okay.
So what started as nausea up high, high in my throat and then fogginess.
Oh my God.
So on the second show on Saturday night, I felt like the set was good, but you
know when
you're there, but you're like, I'm on autopilot.
I was just kind of doing the jokes, but I was like, I feel so weird.
I go back to the hotel that night.
I sit in bed, can't go to sleep, super nauseous.
I go to the bathroom, take a shower, come out, real nauseous, achy, strange.
Go to sleep.
Sunday morning, I wake up to go golfing with Court McCown.
The whole morning, I feel like I'm going to throw up.
The whole time, I feel like I'm going to throw up.
I feel woozy and out of it.
I'm eating and drinking.
You know, I'm having like healthy stuff, nothing crazy.
Then Sunday night, I get back to the hotel.
I call Lucy at Nashville Zany's and I said, something's wrong.
I don't even know if I could do the shows.
Like I feel awful.
Why do you do a Sunday show?
I did two Sunday shows.
For the fans, baby.
Okay.
So, she says, I'll get you an IV.
She calls Nate Bargatze's sister, who is an angel,
who came through with her friend who does mobile IVs.
Are they hot?
In between shows, none of your business.
Don't say that.
That's our friend's sister.
Oh, no, just not Nate's.
It's Nate's sister.
Not the other one.
The girl who administered the IV?
Yeah.
Okay, just move on.
Okay, okay.
It's fine.
Okay, okay.
So then, I get the IV in between the shows.
It's not working.
Like, I get a boost of energy for the second show.
Can I tell you something?
But I feel dog shit.
I'm sweating.
I'm vibrating.
Can I interject something?
Yeah.
I know it's your story, but I want to interject.
Gone.
Yeah, it's not funny.
What am I about to say is not going to happen?
No, mine has not been funny.
I love it, though.
Okay, go ahead.
Yeah, it's very interesting.
Yeah.
I knew something was wrong because you called me on stage.
I did, yeah.
And usually when he calls me on stage, it's, what's up?
I'm doing a show.
This time, he's on stage.
There's a crowd behind him.
He's like, hey.
And so, in my mind, I'm like, oh, he's not doing a show.
He's calling me off.
I was so out of it.
He was out.
There was something wrong.
But I'll tell you why.
There was a weird omen in the air.
A guy.
Oh, shit.
Damien was there?
Damien was there.
Oh, shit.
With the 666 on his phone.
Dangling his penis fingers all over the crowd.
Woo.
That's not Damien.
That's Casper.
Oh, that's Casper.
Up in the balcony of Zany's, in the middle of my show.
No.
A guy passes out.
Medical emergency.
Medical emergency.
How weird is this?
Second show for a show.
Second show.
Oh, no.
Medical emergency.
They're yelling.
And our good buddy, great, great musician Noah Kahn came with his-
Never heard of him.
Really?
One of the biggest musicians right now.
You don't know who Noah Kahn is?
He's fucking massive.
Is it Shaka Khan's brother?
Yes.
It's Shaka's younger brother.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's the man.
Oh, I love Noah Kahn.
He's the fucking man.
Anyway, in the middle of the show, medical emergency.
We stop the show.
I think somebody's dying or having a stroke or a heart attack or something bad.
We get through that.
I feel like I might have a stroke or heart attack.
So, it's already this weird omen energy.
I go back to the hotel that night feeling not good all night long.
Poop, poop, poop, poop.
Puke, poop.
Puke, puke, puke, puke.
Not good.
May I ask a question?
In that order.
Puke, puke, puke, puke, puke, puke, puke, puke, puke, puke, puke, puke.
Puke, puke, puke, puke, puke, puke.
Yes.
Okay, okay.
Exactly.
Can I ask another question?
Please.
What is the ratio in terms of puke, diarrhea?
It's two to one, poop to puke.
Two to one.
Diarrhea always wins.
It always wins.
It always wins.
They're like the Manchester City of whatever that is.
They always win.
Yeah, my puke was Arsenal on this one.
I'm sorry.
So anyway, I go to bed, sweating, sweat through the sheets.
Your body farting it off.
Oh, buddy, big time.
Yeah.
I wake up the next morning and I said, get room service, get on the plane and
go home.
Just go home.
I get room service, I eat a bite of a waffle.
Right back out.
Wow.
One bite of a waffle, a berry smoothie.
I figured I can't eat salad, so I'm just going to chug a smoothie.
I chugged a smoothie.
Everywhere.
Oh, so your poo was purple.
It went right through.
Like on power wash.
It was unreal.
I get to the airport.
I'm woozy-goozy.
People are passing me like, bad friends.
And I'm just like, hey, man.
I'm out of it.
Wow.
I sit down.
This is an insane story.
I sit down on the plane.
I know this one.
And I look to my left.
There's a bag on my seat.
It's like from somebody bought stuff from one of the shops.
And I go, whose bag is this, man?
Is this anybody's bag?
Like, I'm tired.
Yeah.
You know?
It's right behind me.
It's MGK and Megan Fox.
That's right.
I don't even see him.
I didn't even see him.
I swear to God.
I'm so out of it.
I literally didn't see the guy.
And he goes, yo, you the comedian?
Santino, yeah.
Right away.
And I go, what's up?
He goes, yo, you're the shit.
So now, I'm sick.
I'm like sick.
You touched him?
Yeah.
I gave him a dab.
Right now, MGK.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Megan Fox.
Is everything okay?
Yeah.
So MGK is behind me.
So now I have to turn.
You know when you like talking to someone behind you, you got to like do the.
So I'm sitting on the side because I want to be cool and talk to him.
But I can't tell him like, hey, dude, I'm so fucking, I feel so sick right now.
So we're just sharing comedy.
He's a huge comedy fan.
Loves you, which is annoying as fuck.
Is a fan of the show.
Like all of our friends, we were talking about Tim Robinson show.
I think you should leave.
We're just cracking up, sharing stories.
It was great.
Then finally, I turn back around.
The flight starts.
And in the middle of the flight, I put on my headphones.
Right.
The shout out to Phoenix stand up live gave me the Apple over their ear beats.
Okay.
As a gift.
Anyway.
Selling out all the shows.
Okay.
Wait, wait, wait.
Can I stop for a second?
Did they give you a gift?
Let me ask you something.
Did they give you a gift?
I sold every show too.
Yeah.
Did you get anything?
Did you get a gift?
They gave you what?
Apple beats over the ear headphones.
All right.
Okay.
After your story.
Yeah.
I'm calling the owner of the club.
Yeah.
Do it.
And I have a fucking issue.
How much are they?
500 bucks?
Yeah.
That was a nice gift.
They gave you Apple beats.
Yeah.
Stand up live.
The one I sold out to?
Yeah.
Same one.
Okay.
Note that.
Go ahead.
I'm mad.
Go ahead.
It's good to be back.
Yeah.
It's good to be back.
So then I put on my headphones and I lay down to go to sleep.
I miss the flight attendant coming by to see if I wanted to eat or drink.
I'm out.
I'm cold.
I'm out cold.
Right?
Then my body does this.
One of those.
Oh.
And I'm like, I'm going to throw up.
I'm going to fucking throw up.
I fucking...
Dude, I get up so fast.
My seatbelt...
Still on.
Right back in the seat.
Nobody saw.
Thank God.
Was it like when...
Remember I sat next to you who had diarrhea?
Same thing.
Same thing.
Same feeling.
Been there, done that.
This guy.
Yeah.
I get up.
I rip the seatbelt off.
She can kind of tell something's up the way she looked at me.
Megan Fox?
No.
Megan Fox is paying no attention to my loser ass.
Just a real question.
They're behind me.
Is she hot?
Huh?
Is she hot?
Pretty.
Is Megan Fox hot?
Okay, let's move on.
Yeah, fucking...
What the fuck are we talking...
Already, already, already.
Stunning.
Yeah.
Yeah, dude.
She could have been covered in shit.
In my shit.
And I still don't be like, she's gorgeous.
Yeah.
I fucking run to the bathroom.
I bust in the door and I'm real dizzy
because my blood pressure must be super low
because I'm sick and I haven't eaten anything.
So I close the toilet seat and I sit down on it
because I'm going to throw up in the sink to the right of me
or to the left of me, you know?
Because I can't even stand up.
I'm so weak.
And then I get really woozy.
And then, ooh.
You know, you hear the fucking TV noise.
You passed out.
I fainted.
I passed out hard.
And I woke up.
I was on the floor of the bathroom at that point,
which, my nightmare.
My nightmare.
Yeah.
Pee all, you know, I wake up sitting on the floor of the bathroom
to the flight attendant going, sir, sir, sir.
And it's kind of like muffled.
I can't really hear it.
How did they open it?
And I hear, no, no, the door was, oh, I'm sorry.
I'm skipping a step.
When I sat down on the seat, I opened the door.
And I said, can I get a cold towel?
And she goes, sir, we're not supposed to get up right now
because the seatbelt sign was on.
Yeah.
And I said, can I get a cold towel around my neck?
And then the door was open at that point.
I didn't close it.
Thank God.
And then you passed out.
And then I must have fainted.
Were your pants down?
No, dude, I was fully clothed.
I was going to throw up.
I was about to throw up.
Oh, okay, okay.
So then I pulled them down after I woke up.
And they were giving me metal contention.
So I wake up, I'm sitting on the floor of the bathroom
and I hear her like shaking me, sir, sir, sir.
And then I hear another one going, do we have a doctor?
Do we have a doctor on the plane?
And I'm kind of coming to, but I can't really come to
because I'm like,