Name: Back To The Old School UNCENSORED | Ep 229 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2024-07-29T16:00:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Back To The Old School UNCENSORED | Ep 229 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-07-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Back To The Old School UNCENSORED | Ep 229 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-07-29. Transcript available.

Back To The Old School UNCENSORED | Ep 229 | Bad Friends

- Hey, everybody, you guys, you know,
I was very highly influenced by Nevermind Nirvana's album.
The very first, no, second album.
Bleach was the first one, right?
But anyway, I was very highly influenced by this.
And I love the album cover.
And now you can get one with my little baby body in it.
- And you don't have to have the shirt
if you don't want it, you can get it as a poster.
That's just as cool too.
Go to badfriendsmerch.com, badfriendsmerch.com.
I'm on tour in the fall, gearing up to shoot my hour.
I'm gonna be in Frank, California, Indianapolis, Charlotte,
Milwaukee, Omaha, Kansas City, Cleveland, St. Louis,
Grand Rapids, Detroit, New Orleans, San Antonio, Chicago,
Durham, Atlanta, Charleston, Philly, New York,
Phoenix, San Francisco, San Diego, Boston, and Minneapolis.
Go to andrewsantino.com for those tickets.
andrewsantino.com.
- You two are bad friends.
- Who are these two idiots?
- A white dude and an Asian dude.
- You two are disgusting.
- Well, you two are something.
- We're bad friends.
- Yip yapping away.
- Yip yapping away.
- Yip yapping all day.
- Yip yapping away.
- Yay.
- Yes, I am.
Wait, or no, I'm not.
- No, you are, no, McCone.
- Yes, you are.
- You are.
- All right, let's start the show.
- And then, did you know that Delaney
has a prison tattoo on her finger?
- What?
- Delaney, you went to prison?
- She has a prison tattoo on her finger.
- Let me see.
What does it say?
- No, it's just, it's a stick and poke.
- Stick and poke.
- Yeah, that's what-
- That's what Bobby calls his sex life.
Stick and poke.
'Cause every girl, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
It's not stick and poke.
- Asian have a sharper penis, sir.
- Let's not go into negative.
Let's go into positive.
- Did something happen though?
- I can't, yeah, no, nothing.
Well, I have to go to Winnipeg.
I'm thinking bummed about that.
- Wait, why? - One morning.
- For Tom's thing?
- One show at Tom, yeah, Winnipeg.
- Do you know where that is on a map?
- It's probably-
- I'm not making fun of you 'cause I don't know.
- I assume Winnipeg is more East Canada?
- I think it's middle.
- Maybe middle.
- I have no idea.
- Yeah. - I genuinely don't-
- Edmonton is middle too.
- Edmonton's more left.
- Is it, okay.
- Alberta's, let's zoom out, Carlos.
That's pretty central.
Kind of, oh, that is dead center.
- Dead center.
- Wow, it's right above Minnesota.
- Oh my God, I'm dreading it.
I gotta fly all that way.
How long is it, you think?
- Four and a half, four.
- Oh, okay.
- 'Cause you gotta go up and over, you know?
- Yeah, but it's also like the-
- 3:30, not bad.
- I hate the border crossing thing.
- Yeah, but you gotta get paperwork.
And one time I was doing a movie and it was years ago
and I had to wait there for hours in like a little lab room.
- In the Canadian border?
- In security, I can't even speak to it, I'm so tired.
Security room, not a lab room.
Why am I saying it?
- Let me tell you something, by the way.
- Congratulations.
I've been watching "The Worst Roommate" show.
- Like I said.
- Wow.
- Are you being real?
The second season?
- I'm cruising through it.
I love it so much.
But the amount of murder.
- Mm, too much.
- The woman that filmed her own, that recorded her own death.
- Mm, wow. - Wow.
- She turned on a recorder and she's like, "What are you going to beat the shit
out of me?"
And he did.
- Mm.
- She asked him and he did and then they have it on tape.
- Yeah.
- That's crazy.
- I didn't see the first season.
- Oh, really?
- I only saw the second season.
- Oh my God, it's so good.
- I was going to go back to the first season.
I do that with movies, too.
- Do you have roommates, Delaney?
- Yeah, I do.
- How many?
- Five.
- Jesus.
- Jesus Christ.
You have your own room?
- Wait a minute, do you live at home?
Are you talking about your parents?
- No.
- You have your own room.
- Yeah, because we have a house.
Starting junior year, you move off campus.
- Ooh.
- Ooh.
- Fancy.
- I moved off campus.
Wait a minute, how old are you?
- 21.
- You're a senior now?
- Yeah.
- I get my own electrical slot so I can plug in my iPhone.
- Ooh.
- Ooh.
- You know, and my roommate, Samuel,
she gets the second one underneath it with her iPod.
- Ooh.
- Ooh.
- Delaney, five people?
- Yeah.
- How much is rent with five?
Sneak in there.
These guys don't need attention.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- It's like $2,000.
- For you?
You pay $2,000 to live with five?
- For other people?
Where are you living?
Palisades?
- Are you living in Beverly Hills?
- No, New Orleans.
- Wait a minute, you don't live in LA?
- Only, like, my parents are here.
- You're from Orange County?
- No, I'm from the Palisades.
- What are you getting so angry for, man?
- I don't know, I don't know.
Time out.
- No.
- $2,000 per person, so it's a $10,000 a month house you're renting?
- He's like, you can get a nice place for that in New Orleans.
- Is that right, though?
So it's 10 grand a month?
- In New Orleans.
- So all of you are paying $2,000?
- Yeah, probably.
- You don't even know what everybody pays.
- Well, because I'm not asking, like, my other roommates.
- You don't ask each other?
That's not a point of-
- Some of them I don't know that well.
- Oh, so you live in a home with people you might not know.
- Yeah.
- You're perfect for this TV show.
- Yeah, you're too, I don't think so.
She's too fancy for me, I'll tell you.
- She's gonna end up in the news 100%.
- Remember that girl Delaney we used to work with
a couple of years ago?
Dude.
- Yeah, the weird one.
- They found her foot in Florida.
- Yeah.
- They found her head in New Orleans.
- Yeah.
- They found her ankle in-
- In Tucson.
- Tucson, Arizona.
- Her ankle was in Tucson, yeah.
- And they still haven't found her butthole.
- No!
- Yeah, yeah.
- What do they do with that?
- Yeah.
- I think they shot it into space.
- Dude, that's a cool killer, though.
No, just hear me out.
I'm just saying, right?
A killer with a necklace with all these little rings.
Don't you think?
- Little butthole rings.
- Yeah, but they're dry, you know what I mean?
- What is that?
- Oh, this?
- Is that puka shells?
- No, man, you know, when you kick Fruit Loops.
- Oh, that's cute.
- Yeah, you kick Fruit Loops, you put 'em in the water,
then you let it dry in the sun, right?
And then it just has this like a rubbery like-
- Cool.
- Anal.
You know what I'm feeling?
It's like a rubbery anal.
- Kind of smells.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Your necklace.
- You like calamari?
- I love it.
- This is calamari.
- Oh, nice.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- What is this, an ear necklace?
- From Vietnam.
- The American soldier in South Vietnam possesses the,
zoom in, the stripped bodies of dead vehicles.
Oh my God.
So he would kill 'em and then put 'em on a necklace?
- Bro.
- That's hardcore.
- Cool as hell.
- That's cool as hell, Carlos?
- Dude, imagine, imagine, dude.
Imagine I was in the war.
Imagine I was in the war, right?
And you know, I'm looking at you, I go,
hey man, nice necklace.
- Thanks.
- Look.
- Oh, this, no.
- Fuck you!
- No, no, these are, wait a minute.
- Fuck you!
- No, dude.
- Imagine.
What if they didn't kill him, right?
They just took his ears.
- You had two, what if they got both of your ears?
You come up to me and you're like, hey.
You have something of mine?
- Wait, I don't really understand.
Can you pronounce?
- You have something of mine.
Do you have something?
Oh, what is it?
I owe you money.
- Hello!
- Oh, my bad!
That's you, oh!
- Hello!
- That's hilarious.
- Dude, that's insane.
- That's insane.
- Cut off someone's ear and then wear it is crazy.
- That's crazy.
- But also, Vietnam, craziest war.
- Craziest war in the world, dude.
- I mean, look at that.
- There's so many of them, you know what I mean?
It was a trend.
- Those are the biggest ears I've ever seen either.
- It's like me, I have huge ears.
- Yeah, I have little ears.
You know the Vietnam one though, yeah.
Ho Chi Minh, what a guy.
- What a trail.
- He makes trails so deep.
And you know, those, but did you know that Ho Chi Minh?
Little fun fact.
- Give me.
- Before he was Ho Chi, that's not a fun fact,
it's just a fact.
Pretty fun to me.
Before he was, you know, the guy, right?
He went all, like he was like a baker in France for a year.
I'm not kidding you.
- No way.
- Then he went to New York and then was like,
he worked on film, like went to a film company,
worked on film.
- Ho Chi Minh was like an artist?
- No, he's just a world traveler.
We're just going around the world,
probably fucking white chicks and stuff, right?
- Yeah, dude.
- And he has to do the, can I say that or no?
Okay.
And he probably has to do this because you need small.
- Tiny man.
- Like her shoulders, right?
And did the laundry like that, you know?
So anyway, Ho Chi Minh was like a world renowned,
you know.
- A worldly man.
- A cultural worldly man.
And he saw what was going on in his country
and he came back.
- He was like, that's it.
- That's it.
- That's it.
- I love making croissant.
You know what I mean?
I love this film we're doing about, you know, this film.
Butterfly film, like the photographer.
- What would have been if he actually became a director
instead of going back home?
- Oh my God.
- Like imagine if he made really good film.
I'm trying to go see Long Legs tonight.
- Oh, you'll like it.
- Everyone says it's phenomenal.
- Do you see it?
- And scary, right?
- I have a different opinion.
- Creepy?
- No, I have a different opinion.
- All right, you don't like it.
- It is creepy.
- What?
- It is creepy.
- It's very creepy.
The tone of the movie is very creepy.
I mean, through the whole movie, you know,
it gave me hereditary vibes in terms of like,
they got the tone right, but then there are times
where I'm like, that doesn't make any sense.
Or what is that?
And what's going on?
What is going on with the little orb?
You know what I mean?
The doll orb?
- Mm.
- You know what I'm talking about?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, I don't.
'Cause I'm gonna go see it tonight.
- Yeah, but if I say doll orb,
you're not gonna know what that is.
- Well, I see it in my head.
- Well, you know what doll orbs are?
- Well, I'm just obsessed right now with the afterlife
because I watched this guy on TikTok.
I don't even know if I sent it to you.
There's a guy on TikTok who goes to graveyards.
He cleans the grave.
And as he cleans them, he has one of those machines
that picks up electromagnetic vibes.
And then it says words through the voice box.
And I'm not, when I, dude.
- Okay.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- He'll go, it'll go, it'll go, thank you.
And he's like, I'm cleaning your grave, Charlie.
How did you die?
And it'll go, stab.
- There's no way, dude.
- It does it!
He'll let the spirit there, play it.
Play it for him.
- My name's Barry.
- Sorry, little one.
It was hard for me to hear you.
- Bye.
- Get away, huh?
- Stop.
If I heard that, I would just go to the car.
- I know.
- What do you do?
What do you do?
- Whoa, dude.
- Machado.
- You think those are like demons and stuff?
- There's gotta be.
- Look, people that haven't passed over, right?
Isn't that the theory?
- Yeah.
Stop.
I already know what it is.
There's a little person behind that grave store going,
"Eat water!"
I mean, how do you know that it's the grave thing?
I don't understand.
There's a machine that does it?
- So there's a box, there's a spirit box.
And spirits can electromagnetically communicate
through the box and it's filled with like thousands
and thousands of words.
And it electromagnetically picks the word and it comes out.
So it'll be like death.
- Oh, I see.
- Striking.
- I see what you're saying.
- Mom.
- Right, right.
- Bob.
- Yeah.
- Lee.
- Yeah.
- That's it.
We should buy one, a ghost box and it records.
- But what if there's some words in there that I'm a spirit
and I want to say it and it's not in the fucking box?
- It gets as close as it can.
Like which ones are you trying to say?
- Megatron.
Would that be in it?
- I bet.
- You know what I mean?
Voldemort.
- It's loaded.
