Name: Bobby Is Dating Matt Rife's Mom | Ep 233 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2024-08-26T16:00:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby Is Dating Matt Rife's Mom | Ep 233 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-08-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby Is Dating Matt Rife's Mom | Ep 233 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-08-26. Transcript available.

Bobby Is Dating Matt Rife's Mom | Ep 233 | Bad Friends

Hey, bad friends. I am on tour this fall coming to see you. I'm all over the
place. We're adding
shows. We're adding dates. I am so excited. In between Bobby and I going to
Australia,
New Zealand, I'm going to be going everywhere, man. I'm going all over the
place. I'm going to
Indiana. I'm going to Ohio. I'm going back home to Chicago. I'm going to
Oklahoma. I'm going to
Omaha, Nebraska. I am going to Charlotte, Atlanta, you name it. I'm there.
Kansas City,
Cleveland. I am there. Come see me in Boston and St. Louis and Grand Rapids.
Come on and see
your boy. Go to andrewsantino.com for those tickets. andrewsantino.com.
You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?
White dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
Oh, wow.
Oh, really? What are you doing? The Dark Knight?
Oh, wow.
The Dark Knight? You're not the Dark Knight.
Wow, wow, wow.
He walks in there like he's Bruce Wayne, this guy.
Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Mitt Reif.
Sit down in the blue chair, my little prince.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Is this tap?
We have to refill the bottles. That is true. We do refill those.
Guy sells out arenas and we give him the wrong address.
Wait right there. I'll pick you up. It's sweltering outside.
What address did you give him?
Dude, and I had the funniest Uber driver on the way over.
Put on your cans if you want them. If you don't want them, you don't have to.
I'll wear them. I'll wear them. Hair's melted anyways.
No, no, no.
Beautiful fro.
Fancy, do you care to talk about your mistake already?
Yeah.
I know this was coming.
Just a number off.
Just a number off of our work address?
So copy and paste is the thing that most people use pretty frequently
or share the contact location.
Yeah.
We've been here for three years.
And you let our guest astray five miles down the road.
Pretty bad.
They have Google Maps in every country.
Every country.
And by the way, five miles in Los Angeles, a different state.
Oh yeah, but he said like 30 kilometers down the road or something.
He doesn't see that. He doesn't know.
He doesn't know what's going on.
Well, let's give it up for our beautiful, wonderful guest, Matt Reif.
Buddy.
Buddy.
Thanks for having me.
Buddy, buddy, buddy.
You know, I remember when you were a youngster.
I know, dude.
You were soft and young.
You know what I mean?
I know.
Very malleable at the time.
Yeah.
First of all, he's still young.
I'm a younger now.
People are young, but they can also be younger at one point.
Yeah.
I feel like you were never young.
I feel like you were always Bobby.
Yeah.
I don't know if you ever had a youthful phase.
Dude, I'm youthful now, dog.
No, no, no, really?
No, you look like you sell gremlins now.
That's so good.
Mogwai.
And I do.
Yeah.
And I do, the Mogwai.
How old were you on MADtv?
42.
I was in my late 20s.
For real?
Yeah, why?
No, you started at 25, right?
Isn't that what it was?
23 is what I started.
23.
Stand up?
No, no, on MADtv, 25, right?
I was 30.
Really?
Yeah.
You looked so young on that show.
Yeah, he did.
He looked like a little baby.
I didn't even have hair down there.
Yeah, yeah.
I got my first hair at 39.
Good boy.
Yeah.
Matt, how old are you now?
I'm 28.
You and I met, I want to say, tell me if I'm wrong, 10 years ago?
Is that how long I've known you?
Yeah, I'd say so.
I've been in LA for 11 years, so 10 sounds about right.
I met you about 9 to 10 years ago.
Bobby and I have known Matt for a long time.
We've watched your ascension and couldn't be prouder and happier for a good
person.
You're a great comic, good dude, and sometimes when he was blowing up for a
second there,
I'd hear some girls go, well, he's just hot.
And I'd just be like, no, he's got a skill set.
You can't get there without the skill set.
Because a lot of hot guys have come and gone in this business.
And honestly, I've always thought you were ugly, and you don't do shit.
Thank you.
No, white dudes like you, it does nothing for me, me, me.
Really?
Never.
I'm not even nervous right now, Dan.
Who's your male celebrity crush?
I'm more Sandy Danto.
Sandy Danto-y.
You know what I mean?
I like Pudge, a little Pudge in there.
Yeah, a little push in the push in.
I like the black ones, you know what I mean?
That's reasonable.
You like the Ian Edwards?
You like to think realistic.
That was the polar opposite of Sandy Danto.
I know.
Can I have a variety?
Yeah, you can.
There's a variety of men that I love.
I like that you like attainable, though.
That's really nice.
I think that you're getting somewhere.
I don't think you can get Ian.
I don't think you can get Ian.
I think you can get Ian.
I don't know, dude.
Well, first of all, Ian's a vegan, and you're the opposite of a vegan.
I can get one of the Ian's.
I can get Ian Bagg.
Yeah, you can get a Canadian.
I can get a Canadian.
I can get a Canadian.
Yeah, for a scholarship.
Yeah, I can get Ian McKay.
Not Ian McKay.
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Hold on.
Did you spell my name wrong?
What does it say?
Matt Rice.
Oh, yeah.
I did it because I love, everything is Asian.
So when I read it, it just, I see an arm.
Did you do this?
Yeah, that's fancy.
Hold on, is his name fancy?
Yeah.
Not so more.
I'm so sorry.
Not so more.
What?
No, Matt Rice is because of Bobby.
He dreams in Chinese.
I dream in Chinese, dude.
And with you, he dreams of you.
Let's be real.
You do look a little Asian.
You do have a little bit of Asian.
Which country?
More jungle.
Thai?
Yeah, yeah.
You look closer to South Asian.
Yeah.
Okay.
And it's because your hair is-
Your nuts are like dumplings.
I thought you were saying I look pre-op.
Thanks.
I appreciate it.
Yeah.
Do you have even balls or does one hang lower?
No, one's definitely lower.
Which one?
Do you know?
I think the left.
Everybody knows.
I think the left.
Left.
I'm pretty sure.
Are you left or right?
Which one hangs lower?
Left or right?
They're all equal.
I'm Asian.
You're an equal guy.
Interesting.
What about you?
Science.
I'm a lefty, but a lot of people are righties.
I'm righties.
I don't look the stats up.
Now I'm questioning.
I know, dude.
You look down at it.
You can't tell?
My left nut has always been longer than my right nut.
Fuck.
But my skin is thick.
My skin's thick.
And it's extra wrinkly.
It looks like it's wise.
Have you seen it?
Ask him a question.
Have I seen your sack?
Ask his sack a question.
No, but it's so wrinkly.
Is yours wrinkly?
Yeah.
Yeah, mine's so wrinkly, though.
Yeah.
You know what it looks like?
Remember in Aliens?
On the planet, they had the eggs.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
It looked, you know, that stuff on the outside.
I think I have that.
It kind of looks like Dikembe Mutombo's head.
Your nut sack.
Yeah, let me see.
Let me see.
Like his bald, wrinkly head.
Bobby's balls look like Brussels sprouts.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you kind of look at the top of Dikembe.
Oh, my God.
I thought that was my nut sack.
Yeah.
Whoa.
No, when it's shaved.
Yeah, yeah.
Anyway.
Go back to the testicle thing.
I do want to see.
Okay, so unilaterally and bilaterally, the left testes is usually lower than
the right because
of its heavier weight.
So we're in the majority, my friend.
I like that.
But my mind doesn't sag.
Could I just show you?
Your nuts are tight.
Can I just show you?
Yeah, please.
Yeah.
Matt, close your eyes.
No, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Matt!
Matt.
What?
I'm not kidding.
They're the exact same size.
No way.
No, they're perfect.
For real?
Ah, Matt!
Well, someone's going to get famous on TikTok.
You do have very parallel nuts.
How do you...
Like I said...
Did it work at it or is it just naturally like that?
It's just...
Well, you know, I don't use it much.
Well, you know how you can like...
What?
No, for like a physical, you cough and they go up.
Are you able to like cough one up higher than the other?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No.
I think there's only one in there maybe.
Yeah, just...
There could be just one in the middle.
That would make a lot of sense.
Hold on.
Which side?
Can you look into this?
Because I've heard this theory before that if the left one hangs lower, it's
like you're
supposed to be more creative.
I've heard this theory before.
Like left brain, right brain?
Yes.
Except the opposite for your balls?
But still a brain.
That makes sense.
You know how your nose is stuffy on one side and you lean to the other side and
then the boogers
will go and then you can breathe all of that?
Yeah, that's what my nose is.
You can do that?
Yeah, yeah.
What?
That's why my nose is like that.
I've just stayed congested.
No, you've never laid in bed and like, oh, one side is stuffy, so just lay on
the other
side and then just let the boogers go on.
Oh, you've got to try that.
I've never tried this.
You've got to try that.
I'm 28 and I'm just learning.
Lay down on the bed and grab your legs and tuck them over your head.
And that helps clear me out.
You just reminded me, dude, when I was going for basketball in high school,
they make you
go get a physical, you know?
You had to get physicals for school.
And I went to this like janky, you know, I don't know, like a quick, they
needed me
to go to like a quick doc, someone I haven't been to before.
Back before, what do you call it?
Urgent care was a thing.
I went to like a local yokel and I just needed it because practice was the next
day.
So I go into this guy.
I'm not kidding.
I'll go with my dad.
I'll never forget.
He's like, would you like to come in the room?
And my dad was like, no, what the fuck?
No.
Why would I go in the room?
He's like, oh, just for safety and security.
And he was like, no, it's fine.
I don't want to see my son's penis.
I get in the room.
He's like, go ahead.
I drop down.
He's feeling around doing his thing, blah, blah, blah.
Pull it up.
I go back out.
We're checking out.
He's filling out the forms.
My hand to God.
He goes, your son's growing up.
No.
Your son's growing up.
He had never seen me before.
He didn't know.
I could have peaked.
You know what I mean?
I could have already peaked.
He didn't know I was still growing.
Whoa.
But he said, your son's growing up.
I don't like how much he really tried to sell your dad on the safety aspect.
I feel like the third pitch, I would have been like, should I be in there with
him?
What are you going to do to my son?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Your son's growing up.
That's what that guy said.
He got disbarred.
We sued him.
So your dad's never seen your penis?
Of course my father's seen my penis.
What are you talking about?
But he doesn't want to stand there and see a doctor examine it.
Has your father seen your penis?
My dad's dead, so probably.
Probably.
His ghost.
Oh yeah, that's the worst.
As a youngster, you saw it, right?
I don't know.
He and my mom weren't even together when I was alive.
How old did your dad die?
How old were you when he died?
One and a half.
Oh my God.
Well, his dad just died.
For real?
I relate.
How recently?
Four years ago.
That's not even like just.
It's a long time.
How old was he?
He was like 80?
106.
So you never knew your dad?
No, no.
He was like, I think he was 21 when he died.
Oh, how did he die?
Oh.
Oh wait, let's guess.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, let me guess.
Always level, let's guess.
Oh, I know.
He was 26?
21.
21.
Okay, I got it.
Yeah.
Yeah, I got it.
What's yours?
21st birthday, your dad goes out.
Right?
He's partying.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's having a good time.
Somebody goes, what was his name?
Mike.
Mike.
Mike, Mike, let's get on a motorcycle.
Let's do wheelies.
Yeah, yeah.
Right?
They're doing wheelies.
Yeah.
Really bad accident.
He's alive.
Okay.
He's totally fine.
Yeah.
He goes back to the bar, drinks some more, parties, picks up a strange man to
hang out
with, to go do, go rootin' tootin'.
Right.
Goes back to the man's apartment.
Boom.
Jeffrey Dahmer.
Whoa.
I'm not going to confirm or deny until Bobby pitches this.
Okay, go ahead.
Oh, mine?
Oh, yours is, I know it fully.
What is it?
It's almost as if I was there.
Okay?
What happened?
4th of July, your dad was naked with a bunch of his buddies in the South