Name: Tim Dillon Breaks Down Diddy | Ep 240 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2024-10-14T16:00:19.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim Dillon Breaks Down Diddy | Ep 240 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-10-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim Dillon Breaks Down Diddy | Ep 240 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-10-14. Transcript available.

Tim Dillon Breaks Down Diddy | Ep 240 | Bad Friends

Hello. Andres. I'm here. Tito Bobby. Andres. Tito Bobby. Hello. Tito Andrew,
Carlos, McCone.
Rudy. Rudy. Come out wherever you are. Little pigs, little pigs, let me in. Not
by the hair of my chin-a-chin-chin.
Then I'll huff. And I'll puff. And I'll blow your house in.
Here's Fancy.
Oh, Rudy. I just wanted to let you know that we're live streaming October 24th
at 6 p.m. on moment.com slash badfriends.
It's going to be awesome, guys.
Hey, everybody. We're doing a Bad Friends live show. It's called Scary Times
USA.
Scary Time USA. And how do you watch it? Go to moment.co slash badfriends.
It's Thursday, October 24th at 6 p.m. We're going to have exclusive merch
available for it.
So, Bad Friends, Scary Time USA.
Hey, dude. America, dude.
Yeah, live stream.
October 24th at 6 p.m. PST.
We're live streaming it. So, join us.
Moment.co slash badfriends.
We'll also be hosting an interactive VIP afterparty after the show.
And active patron members can join the VIP afterparty for free.
Scary Times USA.
You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
Yeah.
Oh, see, in Japan, white eyes is scary.
I mean, look at that.
That's horror.
They can't even come to America.
They get petrified.
They're scared of us?
Yeah, yeah.
If they go to Ohio, dude, they'll make out.
Oh, everybody's so scary.
That's so funny.
Oh, why not?
Look at that little boy, dude.
A Japanese guy has nightmares of just being in, like, Canton, Ohio.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He wakes up downtown.
He's like, no, no, no.
Yeah.
State fair.
I don't like a state fair.
So much a corn.
Yeah.
So much a corn.
Was that Italian?
So much a corn.
So much a corn.
So much a corn.
I don't even get me snowing it.
I'm telling you.
Oh, no.
I'm telling you right now.
Don't even give me snowing it right now.
Hey, forget about it.
Oh, no.
Yeah, dude.
He's back.
Yeah, he's back.
You know what?
It's astonishing to me how fat I've gotten.
You're not fat.
Dude, the last couple of podcasts, everybody's talking about how fat I am.
Yeah, you're fat.
I know.
But not bad fat.
It's pretty bad, dude.
No, no, it's fun fat.
You're fun fat.
There is a level of bad fat.
There is, like, a line of when you're fat fat.
Well, I've had dates on, like, I've gone to the beach with dates.
You know what I mean?
And when I take my shirt off, there is, like, that kind of, like, hesitation.
That is a bad date spot.
Why are you going to the beach?
What do you mean?
The beach is such a bad date spot.
Sand.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I do picnics.
Do it in a park.
Okay.
That's right.
Go down to Echo Park.
Yeah.
I bring boba.
I bring it all.
Buns.
Boba buns?
Yeah.
I bring it all.
But, um...
Tell me, for real.
How do you wash your laundry on?
Hot or on tap?
What temperature?
Warm?
I honestly don't know how any of it works.
I just press regular, and that's all I know about it.
And then sometimes, I don't even know how to, like, my dryer, I don't even know
how to do extension of the time.
Do you dry everything?
Yeah, well, my blankets are so large that I have to hang them afterwards.
I hang dry.
You hang dry?
I feel like because you're supposed to, it shrinks.
Yeah.
I have so many blankets.
I really do.
You're a little blanket boy?
I just have a lot of blankets, but I get them at Parachute.
What is that?
To jump from a plane?
No, no, it's a...
Some sort of fancy bullshit.
It's fancy blankets and sheets.
Free waffle cut and throw.
Yeah, yeah.
Look at that.
How much is it?
Are they expensive?
Air warm water.
I don't get the...
Those are bathrobes.
Go to the fucking blankets.
What's the point of a bathrobe?
Yeah, I don't know what it is.
What's the point?
You could wrap in a towel, and then you walk around in the towel until you're
dry, and then you put on some underwear.
Yeah.
I guess if you're old and you're cold a lot.
Yeah.
They're pretty reasonable.
$3.29.
Yeah, that doesn't seem crazy.
I don't even know.
It probably seems like a...
I've got the Jenna Jameson collection from Target.
Oh, that's nice.
Yeah.
Is it good?
Nothing sticks to those sheets.
You can't stain them.
It's good.
It's good.
Cannot stain them.
Dude, so Dave Navarro texted me the other day.
What?
That's rad.
Right.
No, but it's...
Not rad.
Because you know what happened, right?
What happened?
With him and Perry Farrell.
Oh, I saw Perry like...
What did he like?
He like pushed him on stage.
He got into a fight.
So Dave Navarro, after getting into a fight, texts you.
Yeah, but I don't know if it was for me.
So check this out.
Oh, no, I'm being real.
Check this out.
What did he say?
He goes, um...
Whoa.
So he texted me.
Come in here.
Come in and sit down.
Come here and sit down.
Set him up in the blue chair.
Sit down!
Where would I sit?
In the blue chair.
In the blue chair.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Tim Dill...
Tim...
The infamous...
...on this chair.
I swear to God.
If what happens?
If I injure myself on this chair.
What?
Okay.
Which is a very big possibility.
Yeah.
That's a you problem.
You're gonna be fine.
Well...
We're talking about...
We're talking about Dave Navarro getting...
So Dave...
Remember Dave Navarro?
Yeah.
What happened to him with Perry Farrell on stage?
Have you seen this clip?
Jane's Addiction?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, look at...
He pushed him.
This was like a week ago.
This was a week ago.
He looks like he's juiced up.
Look at this.
He's pissed off.
He's pissed off.
Look at him.
Stomping around.
When Perry's like that, you gotta back away.
Yeah, dude.
He looks amped.
Yeah.
He's angry.
He's like...
He's like, Jane says.
Look at Jane says.
Right?
Look at him.
And then he starts to attack.
Yeah, yeah.
Coming down the mountain.
Look at him.
He's just trying to amp him up.
Let's go.
Play your licks.
He goes, what?
What are you doing?
Whoa.
What is going on there, dude?
Weird.
All right, so then Dave Navarro texts you after this kerfuffle.
So three days later, so Thursday, he goes, did you just wake up from a dream I
was in?
Whoa, did you?
Yeah.
Ironically, yes.
Wow.
Because it's obviously for a girl, right?
So then I go, what?
I've been dreaming about you for years.
Good.
Play the girl thing.
Good.
Are you okay from that stage incident?
And?
Nothing.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Yeah, so it was a girl that he was trying to attack, named Bobby.
B-O-B-B-I.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
But she might have also cared about how he was.
Yeah.
What do you mean?
Well, I mean, she could have asked that.
Oh, yeah, she could have.
Absolutely.
But why didn't he respond?
Because he didn't get the answer he wanted.
Yeah.
Oh, should I do another answer?
Absolutely not.
Oh, okay.
That's the way to get a number block.
You do one more, you're going to come up green.
Oh, really?
Okay.
Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Tim.
The guest of the year.
We've never potted together.
Tim Dillon.
Never.
Ever.
I don't know how to stand up.
No, because he canceled on Tiger Belly three times.
You've canceled on me multiple times.
No, that's insane.
You've canceled.
Dude, that's fucking insane that you would even say that.
Tim.
We've both canceled.
Tim, Tim.
Tim, everybody knows Bobby never canceled.
Also, Tim, this too.
I've canceled more.
You canceled first.
I canceled first, and I've canceled more.
You have canceled.
I'm more wrong.
Okay, but you know the game tag, where you tag and then you run away, right?
I didn't start the game tag.
You did.
I fully take responsibility for canceling first.
Okay.
And then let me ask you this.
But I believe if I had not canceled first, you would have canceled.
That's correct.
That's what you believe.
That is my belief.
Okay, okay.
It's my belief.
It's a belief system, yeah.
You are the cancel king.
You cancel.
But we both can't.
By the way, the funniest thing ever is when me and Bobby are both on a lineup,
and neither
one of us goes.
All the time.
Happens all the time.
That is very funny.
I get a call from a producer going, I had Tim and Bobby cancel.
Are you around?
Oh, we never show up.
A lot of times.
We don't.
Stuff happens.
Yeah.
Well, sometimes I call you.
Well, one time I called you, and I go, are you going?
And you go, I'm not going.
I go, I'm not going either.
Yeah.
That one time.
You both do that a lot.
To the improv.
That one time I sent him a COVID test, a fake, I sent him a photo of a COVID,
of the COVID.
By the way, years after COVID.
Years, years.
Many years.
Many years.
Like people had to, young kids didn't even know what it was.
I was sending him a picture of the COVID lines.
But then he didn't send the promoter that test, but I did.
So he said that I had COVID to the guy, right?
Yeah.
But then I actually sent him the test that he gave me to him.
Right.
Brilliant.
Right?
Saying that I have it, right?
So he, it makes him look like he didn't have it.
Correct.
Yeah.
Right.
Yeah.
Good move, Bob.
I mean, you know.
Yeah.
But the thing is, me and Bobby will lie and then get found out, and then we don't
care that
much.
Well, it doesn't matter.
Yeah.
We don't care.
We don't really care.
So it's, you know, we're going to go.
No one's going to get that mad.
That's the problem.
It doesn't matter.
Well, we're being used.
That's right.
We are.
It feels like we're being used.
It's like some guy that never said hi to me before.
Yeah.
He's now, hey, can you do my show?
Yeah.
You'll put me on the flyer.
Right.
Right.
That's why.
And they'll use your name to sell tickets.
Right.
So then I don't show up.
Right.
Yeah.
I don't like being one promoter, and I'm not going to say who.
Can I guess?
You can guess after I've said this.
Okay.
One promoter literally said, I can't pay anyone tonight because my father has
Alzheimer's.
I swear to God.
And then that person said, that was the way, and I was like, okay, I guess.
God damn it.
Well, yeah.
Have you canceled?
You cancel.
There's times I have to cancel.
Why?
If I'm just like, if I just can't make it, if we're doing too many pods and all
this bullshit,
it's like, I'm never going to make it.
You'll cancel because you're tired.
True.
Yep.
Every now and then, Emily at the store will call me.
She'll go, are you close?
I'm at Nobu Malibu, and I have a tumor in my mouth.
You're that far.
You're that far.
I go, oh, ah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm right down Sunset.
You're the most nightmarish person to follow.
That's not true.
Yeah, 100%.
It's very nice of you.
I've heard you say this before, and I really appreciate you saying.
I've texted Emily that.
That's very nice of you to say.
I have the proof.
But I feel that way about you.
I hate going up after you.
When you're on, dude, it's unfollowable.
Well, that's, that's harsh.
Sometimes you're off.
When you're off, I like it.
But when you're on, dude, oh, my God.
When I'm off, I'm off.
But if I'm on, it's good.
But you're funnier when you're off.
Because you get angry.
By the way, I agree with you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I agree with you.
But I love, I love you.
I feel like we have a similarity in that sense.
Just energy wise.
Yes.
Yeah.
Because sometimes we don't want to do it.
What's going on?
No, I'm listening.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I do enjoy it.
What's going on, dude?
Sometimes we don't want to do it.
And we have shorts or sweatpants on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And we're on stage.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And we're angry that the audience came.
I know.
And that's the best time.
You're moody girls.
You're both a moody little girl.
Also, he also contemplates things afterwards sometimes.
Yes.
So he'll go, maybe I'll just open my own club.
Remember that one time?
Yes.
Guys, that's what you call him having my mental illness.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
A full mental break.
Yeah, because he was trying new stuff.
And you know what I mean?
It was, you know, I get you.
The main room can be packed.
Just wasn't working.
There's a pressure.
Sure.
Right?
And so.
Tim's the only comic that's tri-coastal.
Tim moved to Austin for seven minutes.
Came back.
Moved back to New York.
Came back.
Went back to New York.
Bought a house again in New York.
Bought a house here.
Sold a house in Austin.
Right.
You had a 