Name: Big Head, Little Body w/ Chris Distefano | Ep 241 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2024-10-21T16:00:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Big Head, Little Body w/ Chris Distefano | Ep 241 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-10-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Big Head, Little Body w/ Chris Distefano | Ep 241 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-10-21. Transcript available.

Big Head, Little Body w/ Chris Distefano | Ep 241 | Bad Friends

"Come play with us, Fancy. Come play with us."
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You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian
dude. You two are disgusting. Well, you two are something. We're bad friends.
You like to do badminton? No. Okay. No, probably football.
American football. Yeah. Baseball. Baseball. Basketball. Yes. That's your thing.
Yeah. Not hockey. I don't really do hockey. Yeah. I don't do hockey either. I
only do soccer. Yeah. And do you know why? Because I'm a-
Because you have little feet. Dude. You want to tell Zlatan Ibrahimovic that he
has little feet, dude? I will tell him that. Dude, he's got six foot nine feet,
dude. Yeah. He's a big mother. He's a big guy. He's not six foot nine, but he's
tall. Do you know him? No. Dude, if I saw him, I would melt.
Really? Yeah. I would be like, oh, I don't know what to say to you. You're from
Sweden.
You think you would go back, you would get knocked back into Korea? What do you
mean? Like Korean accent? You would say, I don't know what to say to you. Yeah.
Whenever I'm around to celebrate, I go back to, you know, Korean. Yeah. Korean
guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you look good. I saw you yesterday.
Jomon. I'm sorry. I, you didn't text-
Oh, no, no. I'll tell you what you did last night. It was bullshit. Tell him
what it, tell him. And out of pocket. Yeah. And insincere and deceptive and
created chaos within my own life. Yes. Right. And I don't like it. Tell him. I
don't like it when you come into town and you create chaos. Yeah. And with your
diabol- If you don't get me one, dude. Chrissy Cass, thank you, dude. I got you
a pecan, this new, like, hollow. It looks like all cream, dude. It's gonna be
great. Oh. You know, I'm lactose intolerant, though.
You still drink lactose. Thank you. It's gonna be good. It's all cream, dude. I
like Carlos. Carlos got a, Carlos is in good shape on top. He's got a chubby
little butt.
Dude, he's got, not that's a chubby butt. It's a Brazilian butt situation. He's
got a butt. You know, Carlos has got a butt like, like a toddler butt. He's got-
I've never seen a toddler's butt, but I'm taking your way. If I pulled out a
picture of my three-year-old's butt. Yeah, yeah. Carlos, you wouldn't know
which one is, you know, it's just that, it's just, uh- How many kids do you
have again? Three kids. Three kids. Yeah. Is one of the butts of your kids not
good?
What my, uh, yeah, my, my, uh, no, they all got good butts. From you? Yeah. No,
no, no, from their mom. Their mom has, their mom has a really good butt.
And all my kids were born with, uh, tattooed lips on their ass cheeks.
Ooh. You like that? Do you request that or is that genetics? It's genetics.
Whoa. Can we go back to last night? Yeah, let's go back. So I'm at the improv.
I'm sitting there with some people, a couple of girls, some guys, you know, my
agents are there too. Oh really? And their assistants. Yeah. Yeah. And you come
up from behind and then you kiss me on the cheek.
And then you try to kiss me on the lips and then you just kind of leave. Right.
And I had to explain, it took about 20 minutes to tell people that we're not
gay lovers.
Like, no, dude, I'm not gay. They're like, dude, that seemed like super
intimate and like, you're going to see your husband later. Tonight I go, he
just does that. We just do that. Yeah. And I just, next time you do that in
front of strangers. Right.
You need to explain to people that this is not just a heterosexual fucking
situation. But then I said, but then I said to you, but then I said to you,
cause you told me you were sad. And then I, and then I, what I did was when I
was kissing you and then I slapped you a little bit and I felt like I slapped
you too hard.
No, it wasn't hard. Cause I, I wrote to you, I said, and you never wrote back.
I said, sorry, that last slap was unintentionally too hard. No, I know that. I,
that's the one I was mad at the slap. I said, I love you. It's the kisses that.
Call me if you ever want to talk. Yeah. Yeah. And then I said, I prefer slaps
and kisses.
But I just, cause I felt like, you know, like we have a thing where, you know,
cause I kissed you once on the head cause I really missed you. And then I liked
the way it felt. So I kissed you more and that's what it was.
Yeah. Yeah. I know. But just kiss me once. Even the king gets kissed on the
cheek once.
One time. I mean, if as a peasant, if I got to kiss the king, I'd want to kiss
him more, but I would only kiss him once.
And then I kissed and then you were sweating, was warm out yesterday. And then
I tasted cabbage on my lips for the whole, the rest of the night.
Yeah. Yeah. Pickled cabbage.
Kimchi joke. Kimchi joke. That was a really good joke.
Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Cause most people just said kimchi, but I want to go to
the root.
Yeah. Jomon. You know what Jomon is? Jomon is, let me guess.
J-O-M-O-N. Jomon. Jomon is, uh, I was-
It's not that black guy's name.
It's what, Michael Jackson?
Yeah. J-O-M-O-N.
Scream?
Wait, wait. Jomon.
Wait, wait, wait.
Pickled cabbage, sliced up in a pan with egg.
Then you put it with egg and grated cheese.
Then you mix it in to dough and you kind of make, uh, like a healthier bread.
It's not a food.
Oh, Jomon. Jomon. Jomon Jackson.
Yeah. Yeah. It's one of the, no, Jomon Waynes.
It's the 12th Waynes brother.
What is Jomon? What is Jomon?
Well, I found out that Jomon's were the Koreans before the Koreans and Japanese
before the Japanese.
Really?
And they didn't look, they didn't look Asian.
So I don't know what the fuck happened.
They kind of looked like, um, they kind of looked like, uh, let me guess.
Like, um.
Chris O'Donnell.
Okay.
What's his name? Is that his name?
Oh, Robin from Batman and Robin. Chris, he's gay, right?
What?
Chris O'Donnell is gay.
Why? He was gay in the movie.
Well, Robin is gay.
That was the gayest movie. Yeah.
Robin is gay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't think, is Robin gay?
Um, I think so.
Maybe because he's wearing pink and yellow and stuff.
I mean, red and yellow and green.
He's just kind of gay.
He's just kind of like a sidekick kind of gay.
Well, Robin's a gay bird.
Right.
They should have picked a different.
They should have picked a different bird.
Like, what's, like, what's a good one?
Bird of paradise.
Yeah, or like a seagull.
Or go more gay, go more gay.
Yeah, yeah.
A seagull.
Look at Don's gay, right?
Don DePetta is my friend.
I like Don a lot.
Comes a lot.
Him and I do, we have a connection there.
But you don't see him.
If he doesn't come with me, you don't see him.
Yeah, of course not.
No.
But he wants to always reach out.
And he doesn't feel comfortable if he could reach out to you in Santino.
I told him he can.
Yeah, but why would you want to reach out?
He wants to hang out.
He gets lonely here.
And he only sees you when you're with me.
That's right.
That's right.
That's right.
That's right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Weren't you the one that back in the day?
I thought you didn't stop doing it.
Can I ask you a question?
Yeah.
Wasn't the guy the last time they got us COVID?
Yes.
That's him.
Yeah.
That's him.
Done.
Yeah, yeah.
That's on.
And he switched his subject because he thought, oh, I'm going to grow this
mustache to make it
look more, you know what I mean?
But he just grows the mustache.
He doesn't grow the beard.
I told him it doesn't look good.
He looks like Yosemite Sam, but gay.
Yeah.
But gay from Hollywood.
Yeah.
You still do stand-up?
I'm open for him.
Oh.
But you were supposed to come tonight, but you're not going to come now?
You said, you told me the other day you were doing a guest party.
I'll tell you what, I got invited to something else.
What happened?
Well, I got invited to a party that I never get invited to, and I think I have
to go politically.
What?
Who's the, can we, can you tell him?
Tell me?
Well, yeah, I can tell you, but you know, why are you smiling?
Carlos is about to give you a black eye like he gave his kid one.
Yeah, no.
It's, this guy's Sonny, you know Sonny?
He's the showrunner for Beef.
Oh, good.
Right.
And so, you know, Ali, all these guys are-
The Asian community.
Yeah, they're going to go, and I missed the last year, and I, you know, got
invited this
year, and I was like, I should go.
Is there one of them that you want to get out, though, like between like-
I don't want to go to any of them!
I don't want to go to any of them!
I go to fucking, I went to that one event a couple, two months ago, was it?
Asian excellence.
No, not the Asian excellence, it was like the fucking golden, you know what I
mean, Phoenix
or whatever they fucking had.
Yeah.
Yeah, and I went downtown, they gave me a shitty table, I'm with Margaret Cho,
all these fucking
people, all the cool Asians get in the front, and I got to sit there and watch
presentations
and see Michelle Yao's back of her head.
Right.
I don't want to do it anymore, man!
I want to be around my people, my white, dirty whites.
I'm a dirty white more than a Korean, dude.
Yeah, you are.
Yeah, I like the dirties, man.
Yeah, we're good.
Shaggies, dude.
Yeah.
Yeah, guys are still, they don't, they're not good, well-kept.
Yeah.
They're just so dirty!
Yeah, because-
And musky.
I'm getting sick of it, too.
There's too many, it's too much, like-
Don't say there's too many Asians.
Well, no, there are, but-
Don't say there's too many Asians.
No, it's not that there's too many Asians, but it's just like, it's becoming a
thing now
where it's like, I can't get in, you know what I mean?
You'll never get in!
I can't get into the Asian thing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, you want to get in?
I do.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think because if I, you know, me, I'm all about procreating, but I don't want
to make
more white people, that's why I have Puerto Rican kids.
Oh, that's right.
But the next thing is, if the things end with me with Puerto Rican, I want to
go to the Asians.
So I want to-
Well, let me say something.
I'm looking out.
I'll make a call to George Takai.
I would love that.
He's still alive.
George Takai?
I'd go, Takai, what's up?
Yeah.
Yes.
Yeah.
And I'd be like, are you sucking dick right now?
Yes.
Oh, you suck.
He loves it.
Wait, where's Andrew?
Why isn't he here?
Where'd he go?
God, we both, you know what's the problem with you and I?
Yeah.
We both have the same mental description that like, it just doesn't, there's no
cohesive.
Yeah, but that's okay.
I like it.
Here's the truth.
It's half the fan base, no matter what, because Andrew isn't here, they shut
the pot off anyway.
So there's really nothing I can do.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't think so.
I don't know.
Well, if you're still here, thank you.
I think maybe the reverse would be true.
Oh, if you, if, I know.
I'm kidding.
No, let's not, cut that out.
40%.
Yeah.
I do find it interesting that, can you cut this part out or no?
Yes.
Oh, maybe.
All right.
So it's interesting that Andrew called me today and he's like, wait, because
you're doing this movie and then like, you're going to cobs and this and that.
It's like, you're not going to be in town.
We got to backlight and go, oh, I'm sorry.
When you go out on and doing things, right, I fill in with another guy, but he's
never done that.
He's never filled in with another person.
When he went to Australia to do that f