Name: Paper Airplanes Come & Steal Your Girl | Ep 248 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2024-12-09T17:00:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Paper Airplanes Come & Steal Your Girl | Ep 248 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Paper Airplanes Come & Steal Your Girl | Ep 248 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-09. Transcript available.

Paper Airplanes Come & Steal Your Girl | Ep 248 | Bad Friends

Hey! We got the merch. We got the merch. Bad Friends merch. Look, we've got the
fans submitted.
We're working with the fans on designing the merch now and this is one of the
hoodies that
we've got. And this is embroidered. This is embroidered and that one says, I'm
Bobby Mom
and can I say something? And it's beautifully embroidered. It's patched on
there. It's gorgeous
and it's at badfriendsmerch.com. Go to badfriendsmerch.com. This episode of Bad
Friends
is presented and fueled by Huel, your go-to for complete nutrition. Try Huel
with 15% off
today using code badfriends at my.huel.com slash badfriends. You two are bad
friends. Who are these
two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two are
something. We're bad
friends. Come here. I'm what? Somebody? Look at this. I can't see. What is that?
Just come,
please look at it. What is that? Oh no. Is that dip? Is that like a tip? What
is this
area right here, dude? That's a croissant jelly type shit. Look at this area
right here. I see it.
Yeah. What is the white thing? Taste it, McCone. No, no, no, no. Don't taste it.
But listen.
Paper? Can you clean that or? Do we have those disinfectant rags? This is
insane, dude.
You clean his side. My side is like this? They don't clean my side. I just don't
get it dirty like
you do. That's a big difference. Yo, what are you doing, bro? I'm nervous. Just
wipe it. Just wipe it.
You don't let it soak. It doesn't soak. What was that evil laugh? Do that evil
laugh. All right,
that's good. I'm letting it soak. It doesn't soak. No, you don't. No, you don't
know how to soak it,
dude. It's fine. Let's go. Yeah. I soak so good. Mormons do. Some people do.
Mormons are the big soakers. Super soakers. Mormons are the super soakers of
the world.
Yeah. And then what's a kid that goes underneath the bed and rocks the bed?
What's his name?
So they soak, right? Because they can't have movement. So they stick the wiener
in,
they don't move it, and then someone goes onto the bed and pushes it.
The kid from the grudge. Right. That's who it is. I call it the kid from the grudge.
See, look at this. Shaking the bed in Mormon. It's something commonly done by
Mormon teens
expected to remain virgins. It's called jump humping. Jump humping? So the guy
gets under
the bed and moves the bed. Last night, where were you? I was at home.
I was at my friend's show. I didn't feel good last night. Oh, yeah?
Can't you tell? I'm all clogged up. Oh. My back is killing. Love you, dude.
Okay. Stop. Now, I know I was supposed to go last night. I texted. It was wild.
I texted Joe today. It was wild. I apologized. Last night, I'm at the comedy
store,
and I see this sickly guy. Not sickly. Handsome. Skinny. You're not talented.
You mean in shape? That's what I meant. Yeah. Like an in-shape guy. You're
right.
You're right. Yeah. Okay. That's resentment talking, I think. Yeah, dude. Put
that away.
Yeah, yeah. Let me put that aside. Holster that. Put that in the holster. Yeah,
yeah.
Because you're looking skinny lately. How many people on tour commented that
the Ozempic
must be working because you look skinny? We heard it the whole trip.
Jeremiah Watkins last night called me Fatty. He goes, what's up, Fatty? And I
could not believe it.
Yeah, but he's like paper. He's like a wispy, thin guy. He attacked me. Anyway.
Why did he call you Fatty? I don't know why.
Who started it? He did.
He just came up to you and goes, hey, Fatty. Yeah.
Wow. It was incredible.
And that Dr. Phil stuff's going to his head, huh?
I think that's what it is. Till Coney.
Till Coney? Kill Tony. Is that our version?
Welcome back to Till Coney.
Till Coney and Dr. Phil got to his head.
Yeah.
Anyway, so last night this guy comes up to me.
Yeah.
Morgan J. Is it J Morgan or what did it happen?
It's Morgan J.
Okay.
You really think his...
You think J Morgan? You've known him.
I know, but I thought he switched it.
I've never heard anyone with a last name of J.
Everybody says J Morgan all the time.
I don't know why that happened.
Yeah, yeah.
Because of two first names.
Yeah, I guess.
That's your fault.
It's my first and middle name.
Right.
What's your real last name?
Venti Cinque.
Are you really?
Venti Cinque means...
25.
25, yeah.
No, don't do that.
What's your real last name?
He doesn't want to do it.
No, it is Venti Cinque.
No chance.
It's not Venti Cinque.
Give me your ID.
Are we introducing me yet?
Not yet.
No, we're just doing this right now.
You let us take control of the show, Venti Cinque.
All right.
Venti Cinque.
There's only one part of that last name I love.
I can't believe this guy Venti Cinque.
I can't believe this guy Venti Cinque.
Look, I swear.
This Venti Cinque comes into my house.
Every time.
Wow.
They won't even let me.
Bro, he even has a hot driver's license photo.
Look how hot he is, dude.
Dude, the smile.
He's hot in the photo.
He's got a side.
He's side.
Venti Cinque.
He's doing one of these.
Yeah.
So, change your middle name.
I went to my first.
No, no.
It's always my middle name.
Morgan J.
Morgan J.
Morgan J.
Venti Cinque.
25.
Yeah, 25.
Yeah.
It's a weird last name.
There's a whole weird story in Sicily about...
Okay.
You're Siciliano?
Siciliano.
Let's fucking...
Here you go.
Same, dude.
Yeah.
Man, you are fucking hot.
Everyone else has to face forward when they take the picture, and they usually
say, don't
smile.
He's so hot, they let him go sideways and smile.
You are a hot guy.
You're fucking sexy.
Morgan J. is in the building.
Give it up for Morgan J.
I had an intro, man.
Yeah, it was taking too fucking long.
Oh, yeah, it was.
It was too long.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, can I just say what I'm going to say, and then...
Oh, yeah.
Say what you want to say.
Let me say what I want to say.
Say what you want to say.
Say what you want to say.
This is his favorite.
Let him do this.
He's like, hey, Morgan J. Ranting a drink away.
He hangs out with Benny Hops.
Little Two Eyes.
Jimmy the Cricket.
He knows Jimmy the Cricket.
He knows Jimmy the Cricket.
How long you know Jimmy the Cricket?
How long you know Jimmy the Cricket?
All right, so...
So, last night, he comes up to me nervous.
Yeah.
He's like, hey, he goes, I'm a little nervous.
I go, about what?
He goes, I wrote down questions.
No, I wrote down talking points.
Okay.
It's not quite...
I wrote in case...
Sorry, go ahead.
I'm going to show you, Andrew.
Every time you interrupt him, he's going to do the fucking thing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's it.
That's the...
Let me see some of these questions.
This is what I showed him.
All right, so some of the questions that he wrote down, or some of the talking
points.
Making this list because I feel like I'm not a good podcast guest.
Did Whitney's podcast, she never put it out.
Did Dumbfounded podcast, we had to redo it.
He explains all this to me.
I did Tiger Milf podcast, she didn't put it out.
Tiger...
Oh, the all yours?
No, not mine.
Yeah, Jeong Yang Summers.
Oh, Jeong Summers?
Yeah, Jeong Summers.
How do you...
Wait, wait.
Hers is called Tiger Milk?
Tiger Milf.
Tiger Milf, yeah.
She's your protege.
She called hers Tiger Milf?
Yeah.
I don't fucking know, I guess.
Yeah.
I'm going to get the...
Okay.
All right, so listen.
You did Whitney's and she never put it out.
No, she never put it out.
But that's also because she could have taken the wrong pill that day and forgot
to poke.
Then you had a colonoscopy on Friday.
Yeah.
And the drug they gave you felt good.
It was the Michael Jackson drug, like propanol.
Oh, prophenol, right?
It was good.
That's good.
Carlos, don't nod so fast.
Can I just finish my intro real quick?
Brother, we're already there.
No, I'm not there yet.
He says another thing.
He says another thing.
What do I say?
I'm so nervous.
I'm with somebody.
He gives me the list.
Who are you with?
A comic?
A young lady.
Oh, a nice lady.
Then he goes, I didn't even ask.
He goes, I got a visectomy.
Stop.
Then he goes, I swear to God, you want to see it?
Stop.
I was so nervous.
I go, we're on the patio.
I go, I go, I didn't even ask.
I didn't even ask.
Well, you're the guy who shows his pubes to audiences.
And then, right?
He goes, do you want to see it?
Yeah.
And I go, we're in the patio.
There's people around.
What the fuck is your problem?
He's the guy who shows his pubes to people on stage.
I thought it was.
This makes sense.
I was like, I thought that was your energy.
This makes sense.
Oh, you can't match.
You can't match.
You can't match my energy.
What was this?
Okay, you can't match it.
My energy is my own frequency.
You can't match it.
Did Ozempic shrink your hands?
Look at your little finger.
I know, dude.
Everything went like this.
I wasn't really going to do it, but I was nervous and I just was vomiting.
Can I see it?
I do want to see it.
The vasectomy?
Yeah, can I?
You really want to see it?
I'd love to see it.
I don't want to see it.
We're not going to put it on camera, but I'd love to see it.
I don't want to see it.
You've got to see it.
I don't want to see it.
I want to see it.
I refuse to see it.
I've got to see it.
I don't want to see it.
Why'd you get a vasectomy?
Because you never want to have kids.
Okay.
Look, there's a scar right there.
Okay, you have nice testicles, dude.
There's one on the other side, too.
My dog, you don't.
Your testicles are very pink.
You're real bald.
Well, I shave my balls.
You shave with a razor or with like a-
You think he's fucking Italian?
I shave with a razor.
Most of us Italians, we don't shave our balls.
No, I shave with a razor, yeah.
You go down on women.
Yeah, fuck you.
Italians don't do that neither.
We don't do that.
Oh, that was in the Sopranos, right?
He didn't want to eat his-
That used to be a real faux pas for Italian-Americans to go down on.
It was like, you suck my dick.
You want to see it?
I just saw it.
You didn't see it.
I saw the pink sack.
All right.
Nice color.
Beautiful sack.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Nice color.
Beautiful sack.
So, I'm sorry, dude.
No, I'm sorry.
Wait, let's back up.
You're 37 years old?
Yeah.
And you got a vasectomy because you never want it.
You're like, no kids ever.
Are you married?
Yeah, I got a serious partner I'm with.
Okay, right.
But we're in an open thing and, you know, I'm dealing with something right now.
Currently, we don't know for sure if this girl's like lying or not about a
pregnancy.
Oh, boy.
So, that kind of put the fear of God in me.
Oh, boy.
And I just was like, you know, we got to change things.
What'd I tell you?
No, what'd I tell you?
No, you told me.
What'd I tell you?
I mean, you told me last night.
What the fuck I tell you?
So-
You don't fuck Ohio.
You don't fuck girls in Ohio.
You don't go Midwest, fuck them.
Yeah, you got to-
You told me, Miami.
Isn't that where Whitney's kid is from?
Miami.
No, but another comic-
Texas.
Another comic was like, you got to hook up-
Can I have my phone back?
No.
Okay.
Another comic was saying, like, you can't hook up with girls in small towns.
If you do it in a big city, it's like-
Oh, I didn't tell you that?
Oh, yeah.
You told me that somebody told you that.
Yeah, somebody told me that.
Wait a minute.
Because if you do it in a small town, she'll probably have the kid.
No, it's just like, you're like, I don't want to-
You're like the coolest thing that happened in that town.
Uh-huh.
Like, if you fuck a girl in Miami, she'll fuck a football player the next day.
You know what I'm saying?
Or before she fucks you.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, literally.
Or you might be the appetizer, and then she-
But, yeah, but me and my girl, we've already, like, talked about how we don't
want to have kids.
You don't bag it?
No, I do.
I do.
And this-
My cum was nowhere near this person, so now I'm like-
Oh, that's even-
Okay, right.
What do you mean?
What do you mean?
He's saying the person that claimed pregnancy, there was no transactional jizz.
Yeah.
No transactional-
Well, sometimes I can redirect my jizz.
And they haven't-
I really can.
Your jizz walks like an old Asian man with his hands behind his back, strumming
th