Name: Rat Island | Ep 249 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2024-12-16T17:00:29.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Rat Island | Ep 249 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Rat Island | Ep 249 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-16. Transcript available.

Rat Island | Ep 249 | Bad Friends

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Hey!
We got it in the back.
Bad Friends.
We got the merch.
We got the Bad Friends merch.
Bad Friends merch, look, we've got the fans submitted.
We're working with the fans on designing the merch now, and this is one of the
hoodies that we've got.
And this is embroidered.
This is embroidered, and that one says, I'm Bobby Mom, and can I say something?
And it's beautifully embroidered, it's gorgeous, and it's at BadFriendsMerch.com.
Go to BadFriendsMerch.com.
You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
Oh.
I'm running out of air.
I didn't know you were out.
I was already out.
He was out.
I was already out.
I didn't even know you meant to collect the heat.
Yeah, do it again, dude.
Ready?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh.
Well, this is out.
This is out.
I had my eyes closed.
No, okay.
Because I couldn't breathe.
Do it again.
I really liked it.
It keeps going.
I really liked it.
Let's do it one more time.
Ready?
Right, but I'm going to keep your eyes with it.
Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Hold on.
Oh.
Oh.
Dude, we're like a barbershop quartet.
Yeah.
That's real.
That was incredible.
Also, I heard you laugh in the middle of it, too.
Oh.
I know, because it sounded so beautiful to me.
You kept the tone.
It was very good.
That was great.
Well, welcome back.
Welcome back, Carter.
And let me say something.
That's when you said, don't say welcome back again.
Because I think of welcome back.
Welcome back.
Number one, I want to say, we got back from Australia.
And my sleep schedule is so wickily.
Yesterday, I woke up at five.
Today, I woke up at three.
You know what I mean?
Carlos looks confused and dazed.
Are you dazed?
Yes.
Or confused?
Both?
Both.
Yeah.
It was a great movie.
Yeah, it was a great movie.
And I just-
Kangaroo balls there?
Yeah.
Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Kangaroo ball.
Petrified.
Yeah.
I'm petrified holding them.
That's real?
Yeah.
They're heavy.
They're pretty heavy, yeah.
Sorry for fondling your kangaroo balls.
No, no, no.
It's what I like.
No, they're heavy because he-
Oh.
Oh.
We're getting it.
Yeah.
We're going to be doing that quite frequently on this podcast.
Oh, and I brought this.
Yeah.
For the studio.
Oh, whoa.
A boomerang.
I'll throw it to you.
But hey, can you edit this so it looks like it comes back to me?
Yeah.
Oh, nice.
It works.
Let me see it.
Okay, you're for real.
I'll throw it to you.
All right.
End over end.
Have you tried it in public?
No, I just knew it would work.
Oh.
It's the first time I've thrown it.
Oh, are you guys ready?
Is there a way to throw it that'll come back?
Right here.
Really?
If you throw it like that, then because it flattens out.
You know what it is, dude.
You're such a know-it-all.
He does.
He knows everything.
He knows everything.
It drives me crazy.
Why'd you ask me then?
Why do you ask me so many questions then if you don't want to know the answer?
Because you know I got the answer.
I know you got the answer.
This is going to break something.
Yeah.
Look at McCona.
He's the most scared.
Don't go hard.
Because when I go like this, it's going to naturally go sideways.
You know that, right?
Oh, my God.
Stop.
Stop.
That's it.
So, how is your sleeping?
And saying it's terrible.
I can't believe you're doing spots.
I had a spot at midnight, and the first time in my life canceled it.
Saturday night.
I didn't do it one Saturday.
I told you that was a bad one.
No, no.
I went.
I thought you did.
Yeah, I went.
I went.
And you went Monday.
I went Monday.
Yeah.
Not tonight.
And tonight.
No, not tonight.
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow, yeah, yeah.
So, what time have you been sleeping?
I've been trying to go to bed at night, but I stay awake until like 4 a.m.
And then I still wake up at 9 a.m.
And then I am tired all day.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's rough.
What about you?
I'm good.
I knew you would be good.
I'm good because I did the exact pattern I told you.
Oh, my God.
It's going to drive me crazy, that pattern.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
The funniest part is I literally said, when we fly to Sydney.
I did the pattern.
Everyone that's listening, this is what he does.
This is what he does, okay?
Yeah.
Because he's Mr. Know-it-all, okay?
That's my new name.
Yeah, Mr. Know-it-all, dude, right?
But it's Mr. N-O.
Mr. Know-it-all.
Yeah, yeah.
Mr. Know-it-all.
And so, Mr. Know-it-all, he obviously, we do a group meeting.
We do.
When he has his little TED Talks, right?
Well, there's-
This is what we need to do, right?
They're TEDx's.
Yeah, yeah.
So, he says, from Perth to Australia, right?
Don't sleep at all.
We were in the airport.
We were in Australia.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, Perth to Sydney.
Yeah.
Sorry.
But, okay.
That's another Know-it-all thing you just said.
You could have let it go.
You could have let it go, but you didn't.
Dude, I'm Mr. Know-it-all.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right, Know-it-all.
That's my gig.
All right, so, from Perth to Sydney, don't sleep at all,
which is like a four and a half hour flight.
Four hours, yeah.
What did I do?
Slept the whole time.
The whole time.
I stayed awake the whole time.
Because when he says something to do, I go the opposite.
Smart.
I'm Know-it-all's nemesis.
Wait a minute.
Yeah.
I'm Mr. Know-it-all.
You're Mr. Know-it-all.
That's Mr. Know-it-all.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's what it is.
Yeah.
Right, so I say no.
I slept the whole way, right?
Smart.
Yeah, good for you.
And then...
Like a fucking idiot, you stayed up the entire flight home.
I did, yeah.
15 hours?
Watch me, watch me.
I said, stay up on the first leg, on the second leg, eat the dinner,
and then last as long as you can to match up with the LA clock and go to bed.
Because then it'll be nighttime.
Then when you wake up, it'll be noon in LA when we wake up and get to LA.
But it'll actually kind of be our sleep schedule.
We'll think it's like 9 or 10 AM, which I go, that'll work perfectly.
I took...
I was up during the meal.
I see him.
I watch across the aisle.
He's on his iPad, and you can hear him.
I can hear him laugh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then I go to bed, right?
I wake up from bed feeling good, take a piss.
He's still up, still on his iPad, and I know he hasn't fallen asleep.
Still giggling.
In the exact same position.
Yeah.
Exact same position.
Then I go back again.
I'm stretching a little bit.
I'm thinking he probably is asleep now.
Wide awake.
Wide awake.
Not one hour of sleep on 15-hour flight.
And now what's happening?
I can't sleep.
Yeah, I know.
See, I told you.
So, well, you're right, but I refuse.
Right.
Good for you.
Right.
Right.
You should...
I would rather...
And here's another thing that...
I would rather...
You know what?
I'd rather this for you.
I like this for you.
I know you do.
And here's another thing that I did.
One long time ago, you and I went bowling.
Yeah.
Right?
And you tried to teach me how to bowl.
That's right.
Yeah.
And I refused.
That's right.
But then when we went to Sonny's birthday party, right?
Charles Melton taught me exactly what you taught me, but I listened to what he
said.
Good.
Do you remember?
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I started bowling correctly, right?
And I looked at you, and I think you were a little upset by it.
Yeah, a little bit.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So, it's like, you know, if he teaches me something, I refuse to listen.
But if it's like anybody else, right, with the same knowledge, because he has
all...
He's Mr. Know-It-All, right?
Mr. Know-It-All.
But I don't know why that is.
Why is that, do you think?
Because you resent the fact that I'm younger than you, but know more than you.
He's talented, too.
There's literally nothing you can't do.
God bless.
I love you.
We talked about it the other day.
I said, can you name one thing you can't do?
And you couldn't.
That's not true.
I said, he couldn't do that.
He couldn't.
He can't beat me.
That's the one thing he can't do.
He can't beat me in ping pong.
How about this?
I can't play piano, and he's beautiful.
Piano, ping pong.
Ping pong, I can beat you.
Get a table.
Oh, my God.
Tennis?
Tennis, we might be more evenly matched.
I was on the tennis team in high school.
I know.
And that was 40 years ago.
It doesn't matter.
I hadn't ridden a bike since I was in high school, and we rode a bike in
fucking Australia.
There's no phrase that's, hey, it's just like tennis.
Once you learn, you never not learn.
There is no tennis phrase.
Yes, it goes to tennis.
It's just like hitting a tennis ball.
Yeah, yeah.
Once you know, you know.
Once you know, you know.
Yeah, yeah.
We did ride a beautiful bike around Rottnest Island and had a gorgeous day at Rottnest
Island.
We did.
Probably one of our best days.
What a roller coaster, though.
Incredible, right?
Why?
Well, because we kind of hyped it up the entire trip, and Bobby kept pulling me
aside and
saying, listen, I know everyone says they're the cutest animals on earth, but
what if we
get there and they don't like us?
That's right.
And we got there, and they were all just like looking for food.
Because I'll tell you why.
Yeah.
May I tell you why?
Yeah.
My wisdom on this?
Yeah.
Okay.
Look at them right there.
Oh, my God.
They are cute.
They're so cute.
Christ, they're so cute.
They're so fucking cute.
Edible, by the way.
They look very edible.
Yeah.
They look like porks.
They look like little Andres.
Yeah.
Little Andreses.
So, here's the situation here, guy, my friend, is that I'll tell you how the quokkas
came
into my, I told you, right?
How, yeah, Jim Jefferies.
Jim Jefferies.
Right.
Months ago pulled me aside.
Mike, you gotta see the quokkas.
Yeah.
He told me the island and everything, right?
So, I've been thinking and dreaming about quokkas a long time.
I get that.
Yeah.
And then when we got there, some fucking bloke, some Australian bloke, says to
me, Mike, you
know why they call it rotten ass island?
I go, why?
And he goes, because the first guy that went there, right, thought they were
rats.
So, in my mind, I'm like, oh, they're not, they're not as, because what we see,
we, I thought they were like, going to be real small, like rats.
Me too, yeah.
Right?
But then when I saw, that's me, when I, yep.
Look at that.
You've taken a photo with one so beautifully.
Oh, the joey's coming out.
Yeah, the little joey's coming out.
Oh, the stomach.
Dude, that was like magical.
In love.
In love with that.
And that was like four hours into the trip.
You got that.
Yeah, that was the last second.
We were about to, we're about to board the boat to go home.
Well, because I don't, here's, you know, when people go crazy over celebrities.
Yeah, that's how I find it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I go less crazy.
Yeah.
I take a step back and I go, you know, I'm better than that, right?
So, there was a lot of quokka fawning.
A lot of fawning.
Yeah, right.
So, I'm like, nah, you know what, I'm pretty cool about this.
But after like two or three hours, I was like, what the fuck are you doing?
It's a fucking quokka, take a photo.
Yeah, you were like three hours in, you're like, I'm ready.
I'm ready to take a quokka, yeah, yeah.
No, but I see, this is what I appreciate about you.
You waited till you felt like it was time.
And guess what?
Yeah.
That photo is proof that if you wait, good things will come.
Exactly.
Because a lot of people got a lot of bad photos of them with quokkas not
looking at them.
You, on the other hand, have a picture perfect picture with-
Perfect quokka.
Perfect quokka-pokka-pokka-pokka.
Quokka-pokka-pokka.
But because I had the little baby in the stomach one.
It was unbelievable.
It was really, what an unbelievable photo.
So, the proof is in the pudding, kiddo.
If you wait, good things will come.
You know, don't call me kiddo anymore.
All right, baby doll.
I think it's kind of funny.
We got, um, we got a lot of love down there in Australia and we want to thank-
Oh, it was probably-
Yeah, go ahead.
Sorry.
No,