Name: Sick In Japan | Ep 256 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2025-02-10T17:00:56.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Sick In Japan | Ep 256 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Sick In Japan | Ep 256 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-10. Transcript available.

Sick In Japan | Ep 256 | Bad Friends

Hey, bad friends, I have only two cities left on my tour before I film my
special.
This weekend, Boston, Massachusetts.
Boston, I love you so much.
You've always done me right.
I have four shows at the Wilbur in Boston this weekend.
Bring your loves out for Valentine's Day.
Then, February 21 and 22, Minneapolis.
Let's go, baby.
I'm shooting my special for Hulu in Minneapolis, Minnesota.
Come see me.
Go to andrewsantino.com for those tickets.
andrewsantino.com.
Hello.
Hello, mate.
Hello, mate.
It's me, beans on toast.
Hello.
And who are you?
I'm Squeaky the Pete.
Squeaky the Pete.
Boys and girls, ladies and gentlemen, you waited for it.
You wanted.
We're coming to London and Dublin.
We are.
We're coming, dude.
Tomorrow, presale for the artist starts tomorrow.
The code is BADFRIENDS.
We're going to be in London and Dublin July 18th and 19th.
18th and 19th.
We'll be there.
You got to come because we may not come for a while after that.
We may not come for a while after that.
London and Dublin, we're coming to see you.
We're so excited.
Artist presale starts tomorrow.
The code is BADFRIENDS.
And then it's on sale to the public on Friday, February 14th.
Get the artist presale tickets so they don't jack up the prices, everyone on
the internet.
Go get them.
Go get it.
Code is BADFRIENDS.
You two are BADFRIENDS.
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're BADFRIENDS.
Oh, oh, it's so good.
It's so good to be free and an American.
American, America, I love you.
Did you see the protest this morning in San Diego?
That's what I love about America.
How we can protest.
What was it about?
They were mad at ICE.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, dude.
And then tomorrow.
Hey, are you going to not work tomorrow?
Carlos?
Oh, because of the protests against DEI?
No, no.
Tomorrow.
What?
They're doing.
Hispanics are going to do a no work day.
So what do you mean?
It's like every day for them.
Exactly.
No, but you better not be working tomorrow, dude.
I have to be here.
Yeah, he has to work tomorrow.
Oh, my God.
He's a traitor.
No, I'm working.
I'm legal.
I'm legal.
Yeah.
No, yeah.
The people that are legal are also protesting for their people.
Yeah, don't you get it?
I asked about my maid in Houston, and apparently she's fine.
She's illegal.
Well, that's good.
Juanita's fine?
No, Marina.
Okay.
Listen, I want to say something up front, if I may.
That's wrong.
That's wrong.
And one day we're going to have a Korean protest.
Yeah, yeah.
For what?
What?
What's the protest?
No more.
We're not going to make bibimbap for a day.
Well, what will we do without bibimbap?
You know what else we're going to do?
We're going to dig back our kimchi up from the ground.
Unpary it?
So they don't ferment for one day, dude.
Wow.
Yeah.
I don't like that.
Yeah, I know, dude.
You want them to ferment it.
I like kimchi a lot.
Right?
Also, those girls at the karaoke, they're not working.
No!
Yeah, dude.
Those glass girls, what do they call them?
Grass girls?
What do they call them?
I don't know, but let me say this.
Donald Trump, please don't get rid of Koreans.
Like, please.
Mexicans are fine.
Get rid of them.
Get rid of our...
How about the ones that came over here illegally?
Koreans?
The Koreans, yeah.
Do Koreans come over here illegally?
No, we follow the rules.
We're law-abiding.
I got to say something, wow.
The woman who cleans the house sometimes.
Your house?
I got scared because I thought, what if she...
Is she going to get gone?
And then I asked her and I said,
I said, hey, you know, if, you know,
if I got to blow the whistle, you know, what do I do?
Yeah, I did...
And she said, I'm from New Mexico.
And I was like, what?
Really?
Yeah, she's from Albuquerque.
Do you have an accent?
Yeah, it's so thick.
I had no idea.
Well, then she's lying.
She's a lying bastard.
Okay, you be me and I'll be here.
I'll show you how it went.
I'm you?
Yeah.
Good morning.
Hey, Juanita.
Her name is, just say Maria.
Oh, sorry.
Hey, Maria.
Oh, hi, Mr. Andrew.
You know, I'm very concerned about what's going on with the Trump thing and
stuff.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, so anything I can do to help, you know?
Maybe more money first.
Wait, where are you from?
You're from Mexico, right?
Albuquerque.
Oh, you know John Jones?
Of course.
I did, I do love her so much.
What would I do?
I said she could live at our house.
Mine?
Live with us.
Last week?
Yeah.
I gave her, so I Venmo her the money.
You don't give her cash?
No, Venmo.
Gotta give him cash.
Which, look what I did though.
Because they gotta pay taxes on that.
I gave her 200 cash on top of the money.
Ooh.
Because I never thought I was gonna see her again.
That's it?
I swear to God.
$200?
Good luck?
Like, it was like, Mike, like, hey, thanks for all the laughs.
You know what I mean?
Because, you know, I make fun of her when she's, you know what I mean?
I get it.
So I just went, you know, senorita here.
I don't know her name.
You don't know her name?
Yeah, I do.
I don't want to say it though.
This woman is like the love of my life.
I love her.
She's honestly like a Mexican family.
Dude, I trust mine.
Do you play games with yours?
All the time.
We play hide and go seek.
No.
We play hide and go seek.
Not those kind of games.
And she never comes and finds me.
Yeah.
Yeah.
She just goes to work.
I go, Marco.
And they go, Pollo.
Pollo.
Pollo.
Pollo.
Pollo.
Marco.
Pollo.
Pollo.
Pollo.
Pollo.
Pollo.
Pollo.
Pollo.
Pollo.
Pollo.
Pollo.
Pollo.
Pollo.
Pollo.
Pollo.
Pollo.
Pollo.
Pollo.
Pollo.
Say this, Trump, come on.
Do it.
Leave the Koreans alone.
Leave them alone.
Leave the Koreans alone.
Also, also, leave the Mexicans alone.
Nah, get them out of here.
Because now, check it out, dude.
Who's going to do those jobs?
No, you're not strawberry.
Oh, yeah.
You look like you pick strawberries.
I love, I'm a strawberry boy.
You love strawberries, yeah.
I'd eat so many.
What would I, could I, do you think I could pick cotton?
Do you think I could?
No.
How many little swabs?
I don't know how it works.
Do you go swab by swab?
It's swab by swab.
Is it a puff?
What do you call it?
Up, up, up.
That's a good.
Yeah, how do you do it?
Do you use a scythe?
No, do they do by hand?
A scythe?
Is that a real word?
In Stardew Valley, we use scythe.
Oh, scythe.
Yeah, to get wheat.
Oh, you mean like a sickle?
Is it called a sickle or a scythe?
Sickle.
Okay, what's a scythe then?
Dude, I hope to God that you read sickle as scythe.
No, I think there's a scythe, dude.
I'll kill myself.
I'm not going to say you're wrong.
I've been saying scythe for years, dude, because it's Stardew Valley.
Is it scythe?
I know what a sickle is.
It's got a curve to it.
That's a sickle.
Like a Grim Reaper.
That's a sickle.
That's not a sickle, it's a scythe.
That's a scythe?
No, a sickle is a handheld scythe.
No.
Like a hammer and a sickle.
Scythe is that, dude.
With the hook.
Scythe.
Right, that's a scythe.
Okay, what's a sickle?
Ah-ha!
For once I'm right, bastard!
You dumb-dumb!
I'm shocked.
You're all dumb-dumbs, dude!
Okay, slow down there.
All right.
For once I'm right.
It's almost the exact same thing.
Yeah.
All right, a sickle?
A scythe is just a longer-handed scythe.
Exactly.
You don't use a sickle when you cut cotton.
You don't use a scythe eater, you fuckhead.
I do!
You don't!
Yeah, I get the ones far!
Oh.
You know what I mean?
I pick the ones close, and I get the ones far, dude.
Cotton is just by hand, right?
It's just pick, pick, pick.
Oh, my God.
Can I wear gloves?
I don't think so.
I think that's part of it.
I think-
I can?
You know what I would use?
Those gloves that they use in the football games,
the gigantic, like, finger ones.
Number one?
Yeah.
How do they pick cotton today?
I do want to know.
I actually don't know.
It's got to be a big machine-
I want to know how.
A big machine that forks it up, right?
Today, cotton is almost exclusively picked
by using large machines called cotton pickers,
which-
Exactly.
Sounds racist.
But, dude, you know-
Whoa, little white boy,
get away from that cotton picker!
But back in the day, do you think,
in the 1800s,
do you think you and I would be able to do it?
No way!
We would-
You and me, we'd fold immediately.
You know, but-
My back would hurt.
You would be sweating.
I would be singing.
Swing-
Swing-
Swing-
Swing-
Swing-
Chariot.
Dude, you'd be singing with me.
That's the movie we should make.
Dude, you got to do the Irish song.
You and I in the-
Irish accent.
Swing-
Let me start.
Yeah.
Swing-
Swing-
Swing-
Swing-
Oh, sweet-
Chariot.
Dude, we would get nothing done.
We'd get nothing done.
And then you would smoke
and light a field on fire on accident.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
We would get fired.
Oh.
Well, it's interesting.
They never got little people
to do cotton paint
because it's so low to the ground.
You don't have to bend over.
Oh, that's good.
You send them out.
Yeah.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That'd be great.
It's crazy.
We would never last
if we weren't in this.
Do you realize
if we weren't living right now,
you and I would be fucked?
That's, you know,
when people say that
and I argue against it.
What would we do
in another time?
Because I'm going to say something, okay?
I'm the way I am
is because of the environment
that I'm in.
Like, hear me out there.
No, you laugh at me,
you mock me, dude,
but I'm going to tell you
something right now.
You know,
I just do what's necessary.
No.
Yes.
I do what's,
I've always done
what's necessary.
Bare minimum.
Yeah, but it's survival, right?
Yeah.
Right, so back then
I would do the bare minimum
but I would still be able
to survive and eat
and all that stuff
so I would work.
You think so?
Because a lot of people
went and starved to death
because they did the bare minimum.
If you couldn't contribute,
you were gone.
You were dead.
Bare minimum today,
you get away with anything you want.
Okay.
Yeah.
You know what I'm saying.
No, no, keep saying.
Because,
because bare minimum today,
just you can get by
but you have so many resources.
Back then,
what would you do to get food?
You're not going to hunt.
Yeah, but I would have,
I would have developed
a different skill set.
What do you think
your skill set would have been?
That's my point.
I would be able to,
omelets.
Omelet station.
No, no, what I'm saying is
I would probably make,
it came out wrong.
These days were the price of eggs?
No, I would,
I would have figured
something else out.
I would have also done
like maybe prostitution.
So you'd hook yourself out.
I would do something
that's going to be,
or you know,
I know what I would do.
Opium den.
I would do something
kind of borderline illegal.
Right.
You know what I mean?
Right.
This way, Mr. John.
You know what I mean?
And I would sit down, right?
And I would supply,
I'd have that supply chain going.
Okay, well that's not the minimum.
That's good.
That's good work ethic.
Yeah, it would say Mr. Lee's.
Mysteries.
Yeah, mysteries.
I just,
I see the fucking font.
Oh, I see it now.
I see the lights.
Right.
It's like Vegas.
Yes.
Mysteries, right?
Premium opium.
Right?
Discount for white.
Wait, why?
Just get people in.
Get them in.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Get the bodies in there.
And I would say no,
you know,
the other,
who's not allowed?
Got it.
I get it.
Like, guess who?
Well, no hats,
no loose fitting clothes.
No, just people do.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, no what?
Yeah, no Timberland boots.
I know what you're saying.
Yeah, yeah.
No fubu.
I'm going to have different things
in there, right?
That's going to like,
make my store shine.
What?
Foot massages.
They got that?
I know, but I'll do other things
like Brazilian wax.
This is all going back to you.
Red eyebrows.
You're selling your body.
Manicures.
Glow job bar.
Yeah, I'll sit on your dick.
All right.
This is all,
you a hooker.
This is you,
this all is just a front
for you being a hooker.
No, it's not.
No, it's not.
Yeah.
That's last case.
That's first case.
No.
Case closed.
First of all,
have you ever tried to have sex
when you're on opium?
Have you?
Yeah, it's impossi