Name: 2 Million Subscribers | Ep 269 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2025-05-12T16:00:50.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '2 Million Subscribers | Ep 269 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '2 Million Subscribers | Ep 269 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-05-12. Transcript available.

2 Million Subscribers | Ep 269 | Bad Friends

This podcast is powered by Huel.
H-U-E-L.
New customers can use code BADFRIENDS for 15% off,
plus a free gift.
You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
Two million subscribers.
Yay, two million.
Yeah, two million, baby.
Thank you so much.
You know what I mean?
Oh my God.
You shoot yourself?
Yes.
That's so funny.
You deserve that.
Fucking idiot.
You know?
Today we don't have Carlos
because you were so mad at him.
Well, you know,
I just came up with a new nickname
with Andrew and I.
I'm Little China and he's Big Trouble.
Big Trouble, Little China?
No, you're in Big Trouble with me.
No, no, no.
You're Big Trouble and I'm the Little China.
I asked you for one favor.
I asked you for one favor.
What was yours?
I said, I'm at a business dinner.
I can't make it there.
I'm at a dinner.
And I was on a date.
Time out.
You were on a date.
I called the date.
What's better or business?
We'll say it together.
One, two, three.
Business.
It's business.
Three, four to, three to.
You can't play this game.
Look at him.
He looks like an accountant.
He's an accountant part three.
The new one after this next one.
And this guy, he's an incel.
No, he's an outsell.
He's been doing really well lately.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
He told me in the car right over here.
He's doing great.
Anyway, um.
No, I'm mad at you.
I called Bobby.
I'm mad at you more.
Nice try, dude.
Good, good one.
Nice try.
Look at your face, dude.
Nice try.
It's a sad face.
You get all red and you know, in your eyes, dude, you know you're wrong.
I just realized he's wrong, dude.
Did you put all that flair on your hat?
Did you place those pins on your hat?
No, it came that way.
Loser.
That's right.
You look like a truck stop.
You can call me.
You loser.
You look like a Buc-ee's.
You look like you got that at a Buc-ee's.
Did you go down to Austin and get all that gear, you loser?
No, I got it shipped here from Austin.
You know what's really annoying?
I wanted to make fun of your shirt and we're in the same color of like,
diarrhea shirts today.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This shirt I thought was a different color when I ordered it and it's like poo.
It's baby poo.
It's like runny baby poo.
Well, I mean, no.
Are you on a safari?
What is going on?
Look, look.
What did I do?
I met with a Korean friend.
I'm not going to say who.
I met with someone who loves you, who loves us.
You couldn't come meet him with me.
He was a big fan.
He was upset that we couldn't.
You weren't there.
That's fine.
And that's fine.
Then I called Bobby, you guys, for your reference.
I said, Bob, all I need is a couple of fun.
Korean phrases to say to him for the show.
He goes, OK, OK, OK, OK, OK.
I go, just text me.
Just text me three things.
And then he goes, OK, OK, I will.
I will.
When I stop, when we're driving, when we stop.
OK, fine.
Hours, hours, hours.
Nothing.
Nothing.
And he says, I'm on a date.
He's on a date with a girl that I made laugh, by the way.
I gave him a layup.
He's on a date with a girl.
He puts me on speakerphone.
And I said, no, you did.
No, wait, wait.
I'll tell you what you said.
You fucked.
You fucker, dude.
I know what you said.
What did I say?
So he calls me.
I pick up.
I'm on speakerphone in my car, right?
And as soon as I pick up, I go to Andrew.
I go, watch what you say.
You know, I'm on a date, right?
And he goes, how did the surgery go on your nutsack?
Did you get that thing burnt off?
Burnt off.
And she wasn't laughing like.
Cracking up.
No.
She was dying laughing.
This is how she was laughing.
She was like, looking at me like this.
Like, as if it was true, dude.
What did you say?
Yeah, I got them burnt off.
It's fine.
Yeah, I was playing along with it.
And then when we hung up, I had to tell her, oh, that was a joke.
She was like, really?
She knows.
Fuck you, dude.
She knows it was a joke.
She's trying to sabotage me there, guy.
Do you think she's dating a rocket scientist?
She knows who she's dating.
It's a comic.
Yeah, I told her I was a rocket scientist.
A scientist?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Do you look the part?
Anyway, so.
So I was upset.
No, so I'm doing a show in the belly room, okay?
Tickets were bad.
It sold out.
It sold out.
I looked online.
It sold out.
No.
You're a liar.
Do you want me to call the store right now?
I know it sold out.
You know why it sold out?
Why did it sell out?
Because I put your name on the flyer.
No, no, you didn't.
First of all.
First of all, my name.
Let's stop.
My name wasn't on the flyer because I looked at the website A and B.
It already sold out.
You're a liar.
I'm not a liar.
Dude, you're lying.
I'm not a liar.
Don't lie to our fans.
I'm not lying to anybody.
We got 2 million subscribers and you're lying.
Congratulations to us.
To us.
Thank you for 2 million subscribers.
Jesus, dude.
Let me see.
How many more of those do you have?
Don't do another one.
It scared the shit out of me.
I had non-flashbacks.
Carly, down, down.
Down, down, down.
Yeah, stop that.
Helpful, helpful.
All right, so I'm struggling to sell out the belly room.
This is so not true.
It was sold out.
McCone and I looked online.
It was sold out.
After I put his name on the flyer.
That's not true.
Yes, it is.
Here's how I know you're lying.
We were-
Andres.
He doesn't know.
Bob is right.
Are you out of your mind right now?
Thank you.
Are you literally out of your mind right now?
He's having trouble selling the belly room.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's like, I was having trouble.
Oh, my God.
He really needed his face.
So I was like, you know, who do I-
I need a favor.
You're going to piss me off so much.
Can I have my point of view?
In court, I get my time on the stand.
But you have to swear on the Bible.
This is a lie.
I'll swear on-
Swear on the kitty.
The kitty, okay?
All right, so I swear.
I swear to God.
Okay, so I get this belly room show.
It's a new joke night.
And I'm like, we put it on the market.
And it's slow.
Yeah.
Because of the economy and whatnot.
And it's also, you know,
my name doesn't have the kind of value it does.
It's just so annoying.
It's like-
I don't care.
I get my time in court.
I get my-
Your Honor, objection.
I get my time in court.
Do I not?
He does.
You're in contempt.
So that I'm like,
I might have to use some of my friends.
So I call Whitney Cummings.
And guess what?
Twice Whitney showed up for me.
Tim Dillon showed up for me last week.
Okay?
And I was sure that my best friend, right?
When you think about friend, right?
You think about a man, right?
Your best friend, a man that's a ride or die, right?
That no matter what's going on,
he's going to be there for me.
Totally.
And that's what the definition of friendship.
It's a love.
It's a brotherhood, right?
If we were in the army,
another Vietnam reference, okay?
Right?
I would need his back in a war-like situation.
You would hide behind me.
You know what?
And you're right.
When I wasn't selling tickets,
I hid behind you because I needed you.
No, no, no.
Yeah.
So then once I put Andrew's name on the flyer, right?
Oh.
That's the tickets going up.
Do you guys smell this?
Do you smell that?
Do you seriously smell that?
No.
It seriously smells like gas.
You gaslighting piece of shit.
That's a good joke.
You're such a piece of shit.
No.
You're done.
I'm not done.
You're done.
Right?
So then as soon as I put his name on the flyer,
right?
Right, right?
And so now I'm at the show, right?
I'm calling Andrew.
Driving me nuts.
Osha Kasher.
Nick Thune showed up for me.
You know, I don't even know Nick that well.
Showed up for me.
And then all of a sudden, I go,
just get here from 8.30 to 9.
I did text you that.
And what did I say?
Nothing.
I'm at a business dinner.
I can't make, I'll show it.
I'll show it too, right here.
I'll show it.
Let me show it first.
I'll show it.
All right.
So Andrew Santino.
Bobby Lee.
All right.
All right.
So Andrew.
What time is it?
I have a dinner.
8.30 to 9.
And then what did I say?
I'm not able to head over after dinner.
I was out of.
That's so funny.
Trying to secure some stuff for us.
Stop.
Because you know what?
It's so funny what you're doing, right?
Read it.
No, I am going to read it.
It does say that.
But can I say this?
At dinner, that's at 6.50.
7 o'clock, the dinner was a 7.30 dinner.
Okay.
Stop.
Okay.
Then I say at 6.50 immediately, just get here from 8.30 to 9.
Then you text me at 10.30 after the show's over.
Sorry, I couldn't come.
After the show's over.
So the whole time I'm like going out to the lot is like, I don't see Andrew's
car.
Hey guys, is Andrew here?
No, no show, right?
I'm running around like a fucking animal, dude, right?
And I'm going, he's not here.
And then at 10.30 when the show's over, then you text me and that's the truth
right here.
You can read it right here.
Truth.
So your honor, I rest my case.
Now I have a surprise for you.
And then the next day you call me and go, hey, can you do something racist for
my Korean
buddy I'm doing an interview for?
Racist?
I just wanted some Korean language.
I wanted some words in Korean.
No, your honor.
I don't want to do something racist against another Korean person.
No, I wanted words to help me understand.
Is somebody in there or something that's shaked?
Is somebody in there that's shaked?
Is someone in the case?
Yeah, somebody's peeing in there or something's in there.
You know what it is?
You know what it is?
Huh?
It's fucking Carlos.
Right?
Carlos is in here, right?
And he's in here.
And I'm going to say this right now, dude.
If Carlos pops out of there, I will literally get up and leave the podcast.
All right?
I don't want anyone to get out of there until we're done with this podcast.
Right?
So an hour later, that better not open until the end.
Who's in there?
I don't care who's in there.
What if it's someone that you love?
But it's not.
What if it's someone you love?
It's Carlos because he's not there.
You think I'm dumb?
And let me say something else about last week, about the fucking Trump letter.
Okay?
All right?
And I was on therapy today.
And I swear to God on my mother's life, if something pops out of there until we
say,
thank you for being a fat friend, I will fucking leave.
I don't give a fuck.
Right.
Okay?
Okay.
So whoever's in there, I hope you took a piss and I took a shit because you're
going to
stay there for the next hour.
All right?
And so that's the fact.
Okay.
Whoever's listening, I know if you're a girl, beautiful girl, whatever, a stripper,
whatever.
What if it is a beautiful girl?
I'll forgive it.
But if it's Carlos Herrera, right?
I will fucking leave.
Come on out, beautiful girl.
Bob, why are you mad?
Go get him.
Go get him, Mr. Cake.
You stayed in there for the whole hour.
Bro, I just...
You don't even listen to me.
That was the rule.
Go!
Go!
That's good.
Go get him.
Go, go, go.
Go out there with him.
I'll see you later.
Three hours later.
And I did it to be funny.
Yeah, yeah.
We're friends.
Just go for the day.
This is...
No, that's crazy, bro.
Why?
Why?
It's crazy.
Andrew, can you back me up for once?
Look, first of all, I back you up on a constant basis.
Okay.
I've never not had your back.
Yeah, yeah.
Hash this out with him.
Tell him why you're really upset.
I'll tell you why I'm really upset.
Clearly, he's really upset.
I'm going to tell you...
Because I went to therapy today.
It's not about the cake, is it?
No, it's deeper than that.
Tell me what it is.
I'll tell you what it is.
When I was in eighth grade, okay, I bought parachute pants.
MC Hammer pants.
Because I was break dancing.
Mm-hmm.
All right?
And there was a group, Major Tomo or something.
I don't know what they were called.
You know what I mean?
But they were like the break dancing group.
That was the crew.
Crew.
And they were like...
And they heard that I wanted to be a part of it.
Right.
So they go, hey, show up to this warehouse
because there was an industrial zone in Poway.
Right?
You know what I mean?
So my mom dropped me off there.
And I went there.
And they weren't there.
An