Name: Ouch! w/ Marc Maron | Ep 281 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2025-08-04T16:00:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ouch! w/ Marc Maron | Ep 281 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-08-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Ouch! w/ Marc Maron | Ep 281 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-08-04. Transcript available.

Ouch! w/ Marc Maron | Ep 281 | Bad Friends

Hey, look at what goes on my feet.
Look at what goes on my hands and my body.
And look at what goes on our head.
And my head.
We got new merch, new socks and shirts.
It's been a long time since we've made merch,
but we really love this drop.
That's why we did it.
We waited.
We think this design is so cool.
Baseball caps.
Baseball caps.
The t-shirts.
We have the thank you t-shirts.
And socks.
And we have socks.
Available right now at badfriendsmerch.com.
Don't go chasing waterfalls.
To the rivers and the light and the seas too.
I know that you're gonna have it your way
or nothing at all.
But I think you're moving too fast.
You know the whole lyric, huh?
I have no idea.
I seen the rainbow yesterday.
And so many.
You know that song?
What?
I got you a gift to start the show.
Dun, dun, dun, dun.
Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.
Gift, gift.
Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.
I have no gift.
Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.
Well, last time you told us about how much
your new hobby has enthralled you.
And although we couldn't get you
exactly what I thought we were supposed to get you,
we got you something else.
Who did it?
What size are they?
Your size.
Nine?
Nine, baby.
They're nice.
You like these?
I love Europa.
These are the Europa Track Control.
These are the grippers.
This was one.
Whose are there that they wore it
and then they don't want to wear it anymore?
No, this was a 14-year-old boy
who lives in Burbank.
That's what we got them from.
No, really?
Yeah, but they're yours now, dog.
Thanks, bud.
And look at the rubbers worn out on the brakes.
Do they work, though?
Do they work?
Well, they don't brake
unless, like, the wheels don't work.
But of course they work.
Strap up and rock out.
You want to take a break
and roll around the parking lot for a minute?
$11.99?
That's how much they were.
$11.99!
What would you like them to be?
$300.
Why?
I want the high-tech versions of this.
Those are the highest tech.
No, dude, I can go online right now
and get a higher tech.
It's last year's model.
Is it really?
Yeah.
That kid was ripping.
Oh, I don't like it.
Come on, put them on.
Was it...
Put them on and rip around the neighborhood
for one minute, please.
It would really help me out.
Really?
Yeah, but I'm having a tough day.
I need a good day.
All right.
Hell yeah.
You're being real?
Yes.
I wipe out, I swear to God.
You're not going to wipe out.
Come on.
Where do we go?
That's all right.
Keep going.
Turn around.
Jump something.
Jump something.
Jump something.
You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
Are you competing up there?
Yeah.
I don't mind cover again.
Yeah, those are gone.
I don't think we have ice here.
I think you have to go get ice.
You okay, Bob?
Ah.
Who has that clip of him falling?
That's all I heard.
That's all I heard.
You laughing?
No, and that makes me realize that we don't have the friendship that we have.
I'm not sure.
I ran.
I said, are you okay?
Then I turned and saw.
Oh, you said okay.
And then you cackle like a hyena.
We have the footage.
If you want to rewind it, we can actually watch what happened.
Is you fell?
I go, oh my God, is he okay?
And then I turn my head while we're coming over to you.
And those two Mexican guys are dying laughing.
And I mean dying laughing.
Am I wrong?
Do you have audio on that?
See fucking my friend, my supposed friend cackling like a hyena?
Jump over.
Oh, you jump over.
You said jump over.
No, he said it.
No, you said.
No, wait, wait, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
That wasn't Mexicans laughing.
You left as soon as the fall happened, you piece of shit, dude.
Look.
No, no, rewind it.
Look to my right.
To my right, it's an Irish, Irish laughter.
Look, watch.
To my right.
You didn't even look right.
He's looking right.
That's where he's looking.
He's looking right.
I'm looking, yeah.
You laughed and then you looked.
You laughed and then you looked, you piece of shit, dude.
That's not cool, dude.
Are you okay?
Are you?
Oh my.
I said, are you okay?
In laughing.
Watch, listen to the rest.
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Honestly concerned.
Fuck, we said.
Hands on hips.
Nervous.
Carlos laugh.
See?
See?
It's all, are you okay?
Look at the Mexican dudes laughing.
Look, he's right there.
Dude, I know.
Dude, look at him laughing.
Look at these Mexican guys laughing.
Trump, do your job, Trump.
And get these guys.
They're cracking the fuck up.
No, wait.
Yes, he is.
Zoom at that guy right now.
Freeze.
Zoom in on the other guy.
Can't.
Okay.
From what I see.
There's two of them.
He ain't laughing.
Yes, he 100%.
He's laughing.
Yes, he was.
Everybody saw it.
Go back to the fall though.
Oh, my fucking God, dude.
Here, we have this.
Deeper angle.
Deeper angle.
This is what?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Are you okay?
That's the first thing you hear.
No, I can't feel my fucking finger.
Well, I asked, are you okay?
I'm the first one.
Are you okay in a laughing hyena style?
Laugh, dude.
Rewind the laughter.
Three are you okays.
Get the audio up, dude.
So many are you okays.
Shut the fuck up, dude.
Dude.
You're a piece of shit.
So many are you okay.
You're not a friend of mine.
You okay, Bob?
Volume.
See?
Are you okay, Bob?
We're concerned.
Go right to that fall again.
All right, everybody, don't laugh.
Don't laugh.
When the fall happens, do not laugh.
If you smile, I will literally...
No, put your shirt down.
Any of you, you guys smile.
Dude, I'm going to leave.
I really am going to leave.
If you guys laugh, you're going to get deep shit.
No more.
I'm not even fucking kidding.
Bob, hold on.
Stop.
Play the video, and if anybody in the fucking booth laughs, you're fired.
Any enthusiasm or...
No, you can't cover your mouth.
Fuck, dude.
Nothing.
Show your face, you cowards.
All right, go.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, no.
Carlos, you're fired.
God, are you okay?
See, look, and I'm concerned.
Are you okay?
Five, are you okay?
Why are you crying?
Because I'm sad.
You got hurt.
I'm laughing at a joke, not you.
One more for the other angle.
You okay, Bob?
Hold on.
I have a third.
There's a third angle.
Hold on.
Play this out.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
See?
Fancy smiling.
Yeah.
I need a...
Party, dude.
No, these guys are laughing.
The Mexicans, dude.
Did you break your wrist?
I think I did.
I'm sorry, dude.
I'm sorry, dude.
You literally aren't a friend of mine.
It's so sad.
It's so fucking sad.
Those guys are laughing, and it made me laugh.
No, dude.
You laughed at impact.
That's not true.
We just watched it again.
I didn't crack a smile.
Watch the first one again.
Watch the first one, and I won't laugh.
Okay.
Watch.
Watch.
Listen to it right when I fall.
You're the one.
You're the fucking dick.
Pause.
Pause it.
Jump over the curb.
Start it over.
McCone yells.
It doesn't matter.
You said it.
Jump over the curb, and I go, yeah, jump over the curb.
I repeat what you said.
Am I, that is true.
I'm a bit of a true.
Jump inside the volcano.
Yeah, jump inside the volcano.
It's the same fucking thing, dude.
I thought it'd be cool if you jumped over the volcano.
You went in.
Okay, go ahead.
He didn't even get near the-
Shh.
See, he just said jump over the yellow one.
Jump over the yellow one.
Jump over.
Jump.
Fuck you.
Stop it.
Sit down.
Please sit.
Let's move forward.
That's insane.
Look, we all learned a lesson.
No more gifts.
This was retaliation, if I'm being honest, from how much my heart hurt when I
bought you those
Arsenal shoes and you didn't like them.
That's kind of what this was.
Oh, really?
And I knew that you'd fall on these, and I bought them knowing you'd fall.
Yeah.
One Christmas, I bought probably $4,000 or $5,000 worth of gifts to you.
And yours is worth, what, $300, $400?
We can get into it a little-
I've gotten- I've given you more gifts consistently than you've ever given me,
and-
I do it in chunks.
In big chunks.
You do it once.
You do it one time.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry that you feel bad.
You need to put ice on your hand again, though.
Yeah.
You just ice it.
Oh, my God.
That was terrible, dude.
Anyway.
That's not what it's like when you go to the roller rink.
No.
It's way more smooth.
You don't have to go-
It's smooth.
It's not bumpy.
Well, chiseled concrete is not the move.
I was doing some moves out there, even, too.
It looked good.
Yeah, I was slicing it out and everything, too.
And then the middle part of the thing I can handle, but when it got bumpy, and
when
I heard the little weasel go, jump out of the curb, jump over the yellow thing,
bud.
That was him.
Yeah.
Jump over the yellow thing, buddy.
Yeah, he was instigating.
You weren't even attempting to jump, but you just fell in the middle.
Yeah, I'm not a fucking professional roller blitter, dude.
Not anymore.
Yeah.
So, I think even me saying that is ultimately irrelevant, because you didn't
hurt yourself
jumping over the yellow thing.
You just couldn't even get over the middle of the street.
Oh, my God.
Don't.
Please don't.
Oh, my God.
We're done.
We're done.
No, no, no.
Please.
You're fucking at it.
You know, I got to tell you something.
Yeah.
Can I tell you something why I love you so much?
Shut up.
I was having a real, real bad day.
Fuck off.
Okay, do you want me to level with you for real?
My dad had a heart attack last night.
Jesus.
And he's in the hospital.
So, I was having a crazy day.
Which one?
What do you mean, which one?
Stepdad or real dad?
My real father.
Okay.
What is that?
And you laugh now?
The one that abandoned you?
And see, you laugh?
Yeah, yeah.
The reason that you laugh.
Say it again.
The reason you laugh is why I laugh when you fall on rollerblades.
Say it again.
My father had a heart attack last night.
Hey, you think it's funny?
See?
Now, are we even now?
Now we're even.
Oh, is he okay?
He is okay.
Really think it'll be okay, though?
We'll find out.
All right.
Sorry.
No, it's okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But that's why I laugh at you when you fall.
Yeah.
Because you're actually.
A little different.
Because you're actually a bad person.
No, you're a terrible human being.
Like, you're genuinely a bad guy.
You're a terrible human being.
Well, you'll be hearing from somebody.
To whom?
You can't even.
Your assistant can't even answer your text.
What, are you going to go get a fucking lawyer?
So, Andrew texts my assistant on Monday.
She doesn't reply until Friday.
That's right.
One week.
I go, hey, what's Bobby's schedule?
She has a shit.
He has a shit storm.
You know what I mean?
In rage, right?
To whom?
About my assistant.
I didn't say anything bad to her.
I just go, don't worry about it.
No, you said, great assistant.
So, when I called you.
Five days.
Yeah, five days.
Right?
And I called my.
Five days?
Yeah, yeah.
I called my assistant.
I go, great.
Good job.
Continue the work, my friend.
And then she texted me and was like, I'm so sorry.
I'll never do this.
She went camping.
Yeah, and I.
She can't go camping?
Brother, she's been camping.
Oh, is it another fucking weight joke?
What?
I don't even know what she looks like.
I've never seen her in my life.
You body shaming shit.
You know what's interesting?
I've never seen what she looks like.
And here Bobby is saying how he feels.
So, you're projecting.
No.
Oh, interesting.
Really?
I've never met this human in my life.
I don't even know who it is.
It's an apparition.
As far as I'm concerned.
You've never met Melanie, my assistant.
When would I have ever met fucking Melanie?
Well, then take that out.
Yeah.
Fuck you.
No, that at least stays in.
Take it out.
You feel that way.
Yeah, you do.
You body shame people.
Never seen her in my life.
Don't even know.
By the way.
Not just her.
As far as I'm concerned.
She's chat TPT.
I don't even know if she's fucking real.
I've never even known this human to be real.
Also, fat people don't go camping.
Bam!
Oh my God.
Bam, dude.
This guy's shooting the fat gun.
Dude, put away your fat gun, dude.
You asked me for restaurant recommendations.
Oh my God.
Did I 