Name: Dead Dads w/ Harland Williams | Ep 285 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2025-09-01T16:00:39.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dead Dads w/ Harland Williams | Ep 285 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-09-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dead Dads w/ Harland Williams | Ep 285 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-09-01. Transcript available.

Dead Dads w/ Harland Williams | Ep 285 | Bad Friends

you two are bad friends who are these two idiots white dude and an asian dude
you two are disgusting you two are something we're bad friends i'm gonna get
botox don't
please don't get i'm getting botox i have to why because i look old now it's
catching up and time
out i know exactly where this started where do you guys know where this started
mccone was with
me yeah i know where it started that photo you posted i posted a photo on my
story that angle
never again dude brother it looks like you do i look like a shrinking frog you
are
i i it doesn't it it was not good i thought the bags the liver spots i gotta
get botox
you don't have liver spots i do look at on the sides those are freckles dude oh
they're gigantic
freckles samoan freckles that's what i have on my face yeah samoa freckle yeah
listen i'm that's what
i'm gonna look like yeah the oil oil london right yeah i mean i don't think
people would notice if i
got botox i think they would you should okay do ai bobby with bobby lee with
botox can we
see that but if i get botox new rule you can't make fun of me uh you can't make
fun of me dude
old rule yes i can okay old rule no of course i won't make fun of you if if if
you bought first of
all you're not gonna get botox i am no you're not where would you get it korea
no i'm saying where on
your face oh my god my eyes like the puffiness on the sides here the lips a
little bit don't you
just want to age gracefully don't you just want to age gracefully because you're
doing a great job
everybody thinks you're 40. no one knows you're about to turn 54 years old
nobody knows that except
for everybody that's listening to the show right now i know but you know what
happens to asians right
what the old rule what's the old rule one night one night long ago wrong ago i
went to sleep
what happened i woke up as yoda oh you think you're going to turn into i'm
going to turn to yoda one
day okay then if you get it we're all getting it that's it no here's the thing
okay because richie
needs it too look at his face yeah but he's those old 22 23. how old 24 just
turned 24. yeah right
that's right we asked yeah but think about it and give it some good perspective
yoda was so wise
everybody went to him for advice but i don't know i don't know anything yes you
do ask me something
ask me uh you know how many floors is the empire state building i don't know
well neither do i all
right you're fine give me a capital or a city and a state and i think i'm going
to give you the state
easy okay go country or you want a city and a state and i'll tell you what the
state is okay what is
what is the capital uh no not the capital just give me a city wait what do you
give you any city yeah
albany albany new mexico yeah it's new yeah new york albany new york that was a
tough one
really yeah yeah give me another one give me another one uh uh springfield ohio
well there is there
is one there for sure there's one in every state okay well that's a trick one
okay uh uh how about
this uh sacramento california come on okay lubbock texas very good um uh zizek's
zizek's london
england no that's here is it what's it it's xxyxx it's in oh that's a good one
you've seen it it's in
the desert so i saw it in the desert one zizek's zizek's but that's a road not
a city i think it's a
city yeah it's a city zizek's formerly soda springs is an unincorporated town
in san bernardino county
by the way i heard it was a developmental town for like a rehab clinic and it
never took off
fontang uh that's got to be china yeah i made it up fontang yeah it can be
anywhere sounds like a
chinese yeah that's my nickname welcome to fontang that's your that was your
nickname in high school
um all right well i know something you know a lot of things all right give me a
random thing that maybe
i you might not think that i know uh how about um how about like uh give me the
name of the of the
first album released oh my god it's panic already you know music so well yeah i
don't know give me
the first album released by i'm trying to think of something easy what talking
heads talking heads
1977. perfect see you know a lot of stuff i mean you have to lead me to it we'll
get there yeah how
about how about what what metallica's first album oh that's good i don't i don't
know what is it kill
them all i think was that the first album kill them all ron mcgovney 82 garage
demo kill them all
full album yeah thank you got it thank the lord lord yeah you know a lot of
stuff dude you did you know
anything richie did you know any of those no i didn't know anything i know what
you'll know what was
r.e.m's first album look at your face come on you know this losing your
religion yeah yeah that's the
one that's the one yeah that's not the first album that's not the first yeah
yeah richie are you wearing
a sweater i am like 94 outside but doesn't he look like a college rock band
bassist he looks like a
guy who's tinkering away with microchips in a basement okay and we don't know
if he's on our team or
against us yet i think it looked like mike mills from the rem by the way richie
looks like every
guy from a band in the 90s yeah every band oh yeah you kind of do look like him
dude you're that type
of white do you think i could rock those shades no no no yeah yeah no you can't
even rock the glasses
you're wearing right now i'm actually allergic to them to glasses to these
glasses what do you mean
you're allergic to them i just found out so i'm allergic to metal now so it's
like i and these were my
backup so i broke my plastic pair and then when i put these on now like my ears
all can we cut to
commercial right now or something wait a minute you're allergic to metal i've
never heard of that
in my life yeah so i just found out this myself contacts use contacts i don't
have any contacts
oh you can't afford them no i just i didn't like how i put them in my eye it
hurt oh oh okay okay so
people metal uh allergies are a type of allergic contact dermatitis called
delayed hypersensitivity
reaction wow so what happens what's going to happen to you with these on i don't
know i just got
a bumpy ear and i gotta figure that out oh buddy you're a hypochondriac yeah
the bump on your ear
has nothing to do with the glasses on your face what's it from should you tell
them or no i don't
remember listening it's from fontang fun it was yeah a little bit too much fontang
you're gonna end up
with bumps on your face but i like a little fontang careful richie richie okay
you're not we're not
when's the last time you had fontang richie yeah when's the last time you got
some fontang i like the
fontang no no when's the last time you had fontang when was the last time you
had some fontang fontang
like two or so weeks ago you did what's the definition of fontang richie fontang
it's a
food it's like oh okay well it is a noodle yeah let me reword it word it let me
can i reword yeah
what's the last time you got some action action yeah what's the last time you
got laid rich oh like
probably this month but like earlier in the month like end of or beginning of july
roughly oh the beginning of
july one time yeah just once yeah we do our best i have like who's we
you and your plan him and his penis yeah wait a minute so what was this a one
time was this do you
do one night stands are you only i do but la is weird it's like i don't like
the one night stands
and i feel like people lean more towards that but i'm more against it i'm in
the search of relationship
but people don't want it we're gonna find you love i'm gonna find you love yeah
i i do think you
deserve a really good a good relationship well thank you you know who loves one
night stands is
carlos is the king of one night you can teach you a lot are you not yeah
unfortunately why is that
unfortunate you do you want a relationship now yeah it's just been years and
years are you a good
kisser carlos i think i'm good yeah i gotta be honest with you yeah great kisser
really yeah he's a
great kisser yeah kiss yeah you go you and i yeah but we've not open mouth yeah
a little bit yeah yeah
yeah you guys have kissed what i do is i don't go tongue first what what i i
don't do um bonsai style
yeah i i don't do pearl harbor oh right i don't do sneak attacks you don't know
i make the noise
and then i go back oh you back i go i back off right i don't actually hit pearl
harbor right you
you pull up pull up pull up i pull up i'm that coward remember in godzilla uh
minus one the guy
who couldn't i'm that guy he just couldn't do it no he didn't do it he bailed i
would have been that guy
too me too by the way you're in a plane you can't catch me i'm gone i know but
you're like where are
you i know but in in um godzilla minus one he had to land at an airfield yeah
and he's like oh my
my plane's broke and he was like you're probably not bro yeah perfect condition
it's a perfect
condition but i think i would go pretty close and then pull up when you would
just say it's a
mechanical error i couldn't do it a jack button right but then you're out over
the ocean no then
you swim to hawaii and go i'm hawaii yeah right why can't they say they're hawaiian
they kind of
look hawaiian well there's certainly a ton of there were japanese people in hawaii
yeah yeah so you're
you'd fit in i guess that makes perfect sense you think there's a story of a
guy that's a movie we need
to write for bobby the one kamikaze who didn't do it yeah and he ended up
living in hawaii like becoming
the king of one of the small little islands but there's no and then what what
yeah you don't know
kings back then it's a made up okay you become a king of a little tiny island
and then some someone
an ex an ex-military after years later 30 years down the road you me yeah i i'm
suspicious i come
to this little island i marry a hawaiian and i'm like who is this guy mommy
yeah who who are you
gilbert you're king gilbert huh king gilbert of the ninth there's generation
generation of
gilbert well there's a rumor that you bailed as a kamikaze pilot that's kind of
being spread around
look at my hair carpal tunnel both hands oh you can't fly i can't fly yeah that
makes perfect sense
all right well god bless you king gilbert and then cut to an hour later i'm jerking
off
and then you catch me he can use his hands yeah dude this is good and then you
need my help and i need
your help yeah like in titanic for instance um i think i would have gotten off
that boat pretty
quickly you'd be so dead well i'd probably be bottom though you and i i your
upper deck the irish no
dude we were in the basement bottom deck the i think the irish were were like
the irish were held in the
basement right yeah we were down low down below i would cl i would climb over
people you know what's so
funny to think about that i like when they say like there's no there's no order
in chaos like i would
have killed so many people to to survive what were the asians doing down there
though what were their
jobs you think probably scooping coal into the fire to like make the make the
boat engine right
hey chan we got a free trip where where to i don't know where we're going in
the arctic but you know
what all we have to do is put the cold in the in the thing and all of a sudden
you're drowning you're
gone they don't tell you the race they just tell you it's common fault yeah
because they don't want
to admit the truth that they want you to still go to the museum that's why uh
that's why they still want you to
watch the movie yeah once you learn of the actual atrocities that took place
then then it loses the
lore it loses some of like the the the the sparkliness they're like well it was
a bunch of
minorities in the basement they're like don't worry about that don't worry
about it wow i want to go
isn't there a isn't there like a huge titanic museum somewhere and you can go
visit like a perfect
replica yeah it's in the ocean though no no no i've gone to the real one you
went down there i went down
30. yeah that sound still haunts me when those people went 