Name: Dimorphous Expression w/ Are You Garbage? | Ep 290 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2025-10-06T16:01:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dimorphous Expression w/ Are You Garbage? | Ep 290 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-10-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Dimorphous Expression w/ Are You Garbage? | Ep 290 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-10-06. Transcript available.

Dimorphous Expression w/ Are You Garbage? | Ep 290 | Bad Friends

Hey, bad friends, come see me live. I'm running around the country. I'm going
to be in San Francisco
at the Punchline at the end of October, Halloween weekend. Then I'm in Brea.
Brea, come out and see
me. Brea, California, November. Tempe Improv, returning to Arizona State. I'm
in Hammond,
Indiana in November around Thanksgiving. Windsor, Ontario, Canada. Bethlehem,
PA. Hanover, Maryland.
Atlantic City, New Jersey. And then Valley Center with the Harrahs down there
in Southern California
by San Diego. And then also Canyonville, Oregon in February. And then finally,
Wynn Casino. I'm at
the Wynn in Las Vegas in March. Come see me at the Wynn in Las Vegas, baby. andrewsantino.com
for
those tickets. andrewsantino.com. You two are bad friends. Who are these two
idiots? A white dude
and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting. You two are something. We're bad
friends. I went to the
doctor last night. I know what happened though. Two nights ago. Well, I saw a
close up. Is your wife
beating you? Are you okay? Blink twice. Fuck. Of all people that talk about
their wife beating
them. Yeah. You're the biggest I've ever met. You're king. You're king. Yeah.
You get pegged
every night. Because I want to. No. Oh, dude. That's what they all say. It's
sexual assault
every night, dude. No, you know what it is? A tear. So we guessed what this was
in my eye.
My eye got worse. It's called bletheritis. Bletheritis. How do you get it? Infection
of the gland
within the eye. Could have been like dirt or whatever got up in my eye. Yeah.
And then Bobby
touched you. Bobby touched you. He's on one today. You want to fight today? I
did. You are. I miss it.
Yeah. He said something to me earlier. I had to physically assault him. What'd
he say? It was
something about. Ah. Yeah. Yeah. You got a lot of nerve, dude. You got a lot of
nerve, dude. I went
into the urgent care. Urgent care took no less than two and a half, three hours
to even get
in. And the woman gets in and goes, uh, who poked you in the eye? Really?
And I said life. And she goes, oh, that's a good one. And she goes, this looks
infected. It actually
looks pretty bad. Um, we should get this, uh, Medicaid here. This is the worst
part. When you go
to a doctor, she goes, we're going to get you eye drops. You have to do two
every four hours,
two in your eye. Right. And antibiotics, just general amoxicillin or whatever.
I go, great,
we should knock it right out. Right. Like I've had styes or whatever before she
goes, yeah,
we don't want it to spread. And I was like, why would you say that? Well, if it
spreads,
it can go to your brain. Whoa. And you can die. Whoa. You know what they say
too? Is if you,
the, the, this triangle of your face, when you get acne and if you pop it, you
could die too.
What? Yeah. Where? It's called the triangle of face sadness. Oh, I just saw
that movie.
Yeah. Nope. I'm saying that they're saying that if you pop the shit. Who is
they? They,
the internet, dude. Yeah. The internet. Yeah. My doctor read it. Dr. Reddit
said this. No.
It, what is the danger? What would I just say? Danger triangle face.
You shouldn't pop a pimple on the danger triangle on your nose. Why? On my nose.
Why?
Uh, why is it so dangerous? Think of the small segment of your face as the
direct line to your brain.
So through the sinus, blood's drained from your brain, an infection in the, in
a danger triangle,
like picked from a pimple, nose piercing, gone wrong. Uh, possibility of a
facial infection
to become an infection that impacts the rest of your body. Can it really kill
you? Don't panic.
You're probably not going to die from popping a pimple on your nose, but
technically speaking,
it's impossible. It's possible. It's possible. Technically.
You could get a brain abscess, brain infection. Wow. This is real. Okay. So
this thing in my eye
though, she was like, yeah, no, it's okay. But I mean, you know, if it spreads
to your brain,
you could die. And I was like, what, why would you say that? Well, the
possibilities.
I didn't want to know. Doctors aren't supposed to give you the possibilities.
Yeah.
Really? Yeah. I'm the doctor. Yeah. Hey, Dr. Lee. Yes.
Your eye. We looked at your eye. Yeah. What happened with my eye?
You could die.
My eye, I could die? You could die. You could also go blind.
From blepharitis. Yeah. Freddie Mercury?
That's what he had? Yeah. He had something in his eye.
Really? Yeah. Why did I go to a doctor behind this gas station?
Listen to me. I'm a doctor. Okay. All right.
You're Mr. Doctor? Chevron. Oh, Dr. Chevron.
Yeah. Welcome to my Chevron station office. Oh, thank you.
Okay. What race do you think that was? Sudanese.
No? What? What do you think?
Bangladesh. Oh.
Yeah. East Ethiopia. Oh, East. I was doing East Ethiopia, dude. Yeah, yeah,
yeah.
Look up gas station robberies now in Sherman Oaks. Big thing in the valley here.
They're robbing
people at gas stations. I'm not going anymore. I'm not getting gas. I'm just
running out and then
I call AAA. They gun butted that guy. Some guy had like a Rolex or something on
and they gun butted him.
Then it just happened another week ago. Some guy, he got out of his car, gun
butted him. They're just
robbing people at gas station. What's a gun butt? What's a gun butt? Yeah. Yeah.
They hit that. They hit you in the face with it. Oh, the butt of the gun.
And let me say this to a thief. Yeah. Just shoot me. Don't gun butt me in the
head. I don't want to
just kill me. Shoot me, baby. Our gun butts. They knock you out. The butt of a
gun is heavy. They're
hitting you in the face with a gun. And what are they taking? Your car?
Anything. They've taken car,
jewelry, clothes, cash. Clothes. They left a man naked in Van Nuys. That's why
when I pump gas?
Don't pump gas. I have a lighter. You do. And I have the fucking thing, dude.
Right?
Gun butted me, dude. Right? You Vietnam monk. Remember those Buddhist monks of
Vietnam? That's
what's going to happen. Yeah. Light the whole place up. You're going to be lit
on fire, dog.
And also, there's nothing to steal except for my wallet. Yeah, that's what I'm
saying. Or your car.
They can steal your car. That's Bobby. Gun butt me, dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm
also, dude,
You know what's so awful? What if that was an accident? He was just trying to
get gas for that
guy's car that ran out. Yeah. Gas. Fuck. Yeah. My question is, is that like,
you know,
you know why they did that? It was for, well, it was a peaceful protest, right?
No,
they're protesting the oppressive Saigon regime. It's a protest, right?
Whatever happened to me,
just making a sign. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like protest? That's a little
too far from me.
Make a sign. Yeah, yeah. Like stop Buddhist hate. That'd be me.
Oh, the people are lighting themselves on fire. I stopped Buddhist hate right
here with the sign.
Like that's, don't you think that's extreme? That's don't, do I think that's
extreme? Yeah,
dude, a little bit. The guy lit himself on fire. Like I'm a Vietnamese monk.
You're a Vietnamese monk,
right? Yeah. And go,
we got to oppress this Saigon regime. What do you think we should do, Tony?
Yell in the street. No, no. That's too, too. I'm not going to do much. Okay.
What else do you think we should do? Get our friends together,
to bond together, to create a community of people. I have an idea.
What?
We should last half our fight. No. No.
Extreme forms of protest encompass violent tactics, terrorism, welfare, vandalism,
extreme nonviolent. Great album cover though. Rage Against the Machine.
That was one of the greatest. Great album.
They got a lot of flack for that. Didn't they get a lot of flack for that?
Album covers that got flack. You know what? Interesting topic, because McCone,
you and I
were talking the other day about Pusha T's famous album with a picture of
Whitney Houston's dying
hotel room. Daytona. Did you ever see this? No, I want to see it.
They had a photo on the cover of this wonderful album by Pusha T. And that is
the photograph of
Whitney Houston's hotel room when she was found dead. Oh my God, dude. And
there's bottles of
whiskey and vodka. And then whenever there's tinfoil, you know, tinfoil is no
good.
Why? People smoke crack out of tinfoil. Okay. I put my bubblegum in there.
You do. Yeah. Don't make a, you know what, Andrew? Don't make assumptions.
You're right. I'm a bad detective. Yeah. The tinfoil is there for various
reasons.
You said I was a good detective the other day. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, the Beatles yesterday and today. Right. Another controversial album cover.
Do you know why this was controversial? Because there's baby's heads and stuff?
No, because look who's in the back.
It's three in the front and one in the back.
A little rude, a little rude.
Very odd to put him in the back, by the way.
Yeah. Why, why'd they do that?
Aesthetics, composition.
Aesthetics, composition.
What's your favorite album?
Aesthetics, composition. Aesthetics, composition.
What's my favorite album of all time?
No album cover.
Oh.
I'll tell you mine.
Go.
Captain Beefheart, trout mask replica.
Look it up, dude.
Captain Beefheart, trout mask replica.
Yeah.
Sounds like one of those Mad Libs.
Oh, that's pretty cool.
I love that one.
That's good.
I was going to give you something like Blood Sugar Sex Magic.
Okay.
I think I like Blood Sugar Sex Magic from Chili Pepper so much because it was
also like a time in my youth.
It was like something about the time of like the sexiness of the album cover.
I don't know why I liked it so much as a kid, but I love that.
It's like, they're all tongue licking of like, I don't know why I thought that
was badass.
No, I liked Mother's Milk because there was a titty on it.
That one was great too.
Same thing, another Chili Peppers.
Yeah, dude.
That was a poster.
You go over to some kid's house named Ryan and he was like, see my new fucking
poster, dude.
Can I tell you this story?
My mom's livid about it, dude.
My dad was like, hang it up.
Can I tell you what just happened with me and Anthony Kiedis?
Yeah.
So I've never talked about this though.
For some reason, this is 20 years ago.
Chris Rock was in the main room and Kiedis saw me.
Wow.
Right?
Cool.
And then Kiedis came up to me and goes, oh, you're really funny, this and that,
right?
So then Kiedis would go around town just to watch my sets.
Right?
Like following you?
Yeah.
Same night or many nights?
No, just throughout the months.
Wow.
We've been very friendly.
I got his number, the whole thing, right?
And then all of a sudden, one day I do this show at El Cid.
I used to love El Cid.
Right?
Yeah.
He brought the whole band out there.
To come see you?
Yeah.
Wow.
They're in the front row.
I bombed so hard.
Is that there?
Is that-
No, no, this is way years later.
I bombed so hard that he didn't talk to me for like 10 years after that, right?
I'm not kidding you.
It was night and day.
Like I ate it that hard.
No way.
Oh, no, it was, I still remember the show.
I remember their faces.
There was nothing I could do.
I didn't have the skill set to dig me out of this hole, okay?
Damn.
And then he just recently goes because, you know, he has a music observatory
like thing
that he does with Flea.
Yeah.
And they do a yearly benefit show and they asked me to host it.
I can't because of Irvine and I was, I almost canceled Irvine to do it.
Yeah, that's-
Would you?
No.
Host a benefit show?
Yeah.
You're going to tank at that too.
He's going to see you tank 20 years.
Benefit shows suck.
You're right.
It's so hard to do well at.
Yeah.
Because people are kind of uncomfortable and they're there like and they're
stiff
and they're dressed up.
It's not like a relaxed atmosphere.
I mean, we like doing benefits, but stand up, no.
I'd rather just show up, give you money and be a part of the thing.
Yeah, but you would have done it if you didn't have something to do.
I don't know, man.
I don't like doing those things.
They give me the-
You bomb.
You bomb hard.
You bomb.
You eat shit at those things.
Yeah.
Nobody wants stand up at a-