Name: Chris Distefano: Jersey to a FUNERAL - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip
Uploaded: 2022-01-28T18:00:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Chris Distefano: Jersey to a FUNERAL - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Chris Distefano: Jersey to a FUNERAL - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-28. Transcript available.

Are you garbage?
Anyone in your family collect the state quarters?
The state quarters? What do you mean?
Remember that? Like they came out probably in the 2000s.
It was like, you know, Alabama and then Hawaii.
No, nobody collects the state quarters, but I do know every state capital.
Really?
That's one of, for punishment, if I would get in trouble,
what my mother would do is lock me in my bedroom
and she had the key from the outside and I have to recite the state capitals
and read the encyclopedia for fucking two hours.
And it literally, if I was an hour and 55 minutes in and I stopped,
like thinking like there's no way she's still listening,
two seconds would go by and you would hear, continue.
She would just sit out there doing God knows what,
maybe crocheting or eating her own dinner, just being like,
that was her form of punishment because she's an academic.
So I know these random facts because of her.
She'd lock you in your room.
Lock me in my room and make me fucking recite the state capitals.
Fucking my mom.
Yeah.
Yeah, Sybil.
Any tap-out gear?
Any tap-out gear?
No, but I do have Ed Hardy shirts.
You do?
Still?
What do you mean?
Still to this day.
Really?
I have a couple of Ed Hardy shirts with little roses,
but no tap-out gear.
I actually don't know anything really about the UFC or fighting.
Okay.
Have you ever worn an airbrushed t-shirt?
An airbrushed t-shirt?
What's that, like a tie-dye shirt?
No, airbrushed would be like,
you see, like they get like the RIP shirt.
It's like, how do you describe airbrush?
Down at a boardwalk.
Yeah, you would get it.
Down at a boardwalk.
Yeah, but like kind of like-
You would say like Chrissy D or whatever.
Yeah, but-
You can get a custom, yeah.
That's right.
Yes, but that's like with family stuff.
Like, oh, we got all by matching shirts.
I've done that stuff.
Really?
I've done that stuff.
And I also am the guy, like I will religiously still to this day,
if I'm performing in, let's say, Philly,
every time, even though I've done it so many times,
I will get on a double-decker bus tour and go on the tour.
I do that every time.
Really?
In whatever city I'm in,
I look for some type of either double-decker bus tour
or if it's like a shit town,
some type of walking tour of the city.
I always do that.
I always, usually in the airport,
will buy some kind of magnet or shot glass
from wherever I'm at.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
That's insane.
That's fucking awesome.
Yeah, while I'm on the road, like actively,
I'll do it.
You know, I'm going to be in Phoenix in fucking two weeks.
I'll get on the tour.
I have a kind of a travel one.
Have you ever gotten the free breakfast at a hotel
you weren't a guest at?
I wasn't a guest at multiple times,
especially in the beginning when I first started headlining.
Absolutely, dude.
Yeah, of course.
I mean, I'm fucking making $800.
Roll through the Continental.
Do that, which I didn't even know that the Continental,
I thought that a Continental breakfast meant that it was free,
but it doesn't mean that at all.
So there's been times where I went to a hotel,
had the Continental breakfast, ate it all,
went back up to my room, then got charged.
I'm like, why are you charging me for free shit?
They're like, it's not free just because it means Continental.
Did you know that?
No, I thought Continental meant it was free.
Well, Continental means that it's from all different parts of the world,
like the food is just like Continental.
Yeah, I think it describes the food, not the price.
No.
It has to say free Continental.
Free Continental breakfast.
I didn't know that.
I thought Continental.
Well, you've never gone and got like a Continental car wash,
you know what I mean?
Like it's not like a word you can just substitute for free.
No, I think Continental means like there's no actual main dish.
It's like bagels and shit like that.
Yeah, it describes the food.
But it doesn't mean that it's free.
Complementary Continental breakfast.
It's not like there was goulash down there.
What?
You never know.
Like different continents.
I don't know, but it ain't free.
I know that much.
Apparently.
How do you feel about fettuccine Alfredo?
Fettuccine Alfredo?
How do I feel about it?
I ate it last night.
Swear to God.
My go-to dish is fettuccine Alfredo with grilled chicken or grilled shrimp
if I'm trying to be healthy and a side of garlic nuts.
Wait, you ordered it out?
Oh, yeah.
I ordered it out either Dono's Pizzeria or Nino's Pizzeria in Bay Ridge.
Sometimes Gino's Pizzeria.
They have great fettuccine Alfredo and great potato croquettes.
Dude, it's one of the things about New York.
I tell everybody this, but nobody ever believes me.
Most local pizza places, their actual food, their Italian food is usually
fucking top shelf.
Unbelievable.
Unbelievable.
Giannis said this too about me.
He said, you're the kind of guy, your favorite cuisine is like off the menu
pizza stuff
or other side of the menu pizzeria stuff.
So a lot of people go into a pizzeria, they order the pizza or whatever.
It's like, I'm looking at the menu for what kind of rolls they have, what kind
of pasta dishes.
100%.
I'm looking at the entrees in the pizzeria all day.
The place next to my apartment has fucking, their shrimp francese is fucking
unbelievable.
Amazing, dude.
Top shelf.
All right.
I got one.
I got one that we've done before.
We did with shoulder.
And you, I've seen you in professional sports jerseys.
You rock jerseys.
That's what I do.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So let the, it's a hypothetical, right?
If you were going to a wedding tomorrow and didn't have a suit, the only thing
you could
wear was a professional sports jersey, hockey, baseball, football, you know,
whatever.
What would you choose and why?
I would choose, I would most likely wear my favorite baseball player, Bernie
Williams, center
field, the New York Yankees, Bernie Williams batting practice jersey because I
wear the batting
practice jerseys because they make me look jacked, even though I'm not jacked.
I am, when I take my shirt off, it's a surprise.
People are like, oh, I didn't, I didn't think it was going to be that doughy.
Casting director said this to me once and it was like literally like life
changing.
I was like, that's the most painful and also funny thing I've heard.
And it's like, does describe me.
He's like, you know what your problem is, Chris?
You have leading man face, best friend body.
He was like, so you're really not castable?
What a fucking dick.
But he was right.
He's like, so either you got it.
So it's motivates you to me to try to create my own shit.
He's like, cause you're really not castable.
It's like either fucking be the lead and get ripped or fucking let it all hang
out.
Lean into it.
Fat shit, best friend.
So that's what I do.
I wear a Bernie Williams, New York Yankees batting practice jersey.
Would you tuck it in or would you go untucked?
No, I go untucked and I throw on some Lulus.
I go, I go, I tell you exactly what I do.
I go Bernie Williams batting practice jersey, Lululemon pants, some type of
funky red or orange
socks to give it a little flair and fucking fry boots because it's a wedding.
You got to class it up a little bit.
Big tip guy?
Big tip guy.
I'm the guy I tip fucking everybody.
Cash, full cash.
I'm the guy, even if I get driven somewhere or whatever, if I don't have cash
on me, I
make them stop at an ATM and I give these guys cold, hard cash.
Because we talked about that on Yana said you were breaking his balls because
he said he
didn't tip it.
He didn't tip in what?
So embarrassing.
He's like, Chris, he yelled at me.
It's like, what are we doing?
Like, you know, they're sending you a black car.
I mean, he's like, no, but the tip's included.
I'm like, guy, you got to give this guy cash tips.
What are you fucking queen?
You get that from your dad?
Your dad a big tip guy, I imagine?
Oh, big time.
I mean, my dad will give you-
Italians love cash.
Dude, my dad was the guy, he would pull, he would, for no reason, my dad would
religiously
wear pants and jackets and things that had pockets, but put his wallet in his
sock.
I'm like, what's the reason to do that?
Why is shit always coming?
So every drive, anywhere you went, somebody would get a soggy fucking ankle
sweat 20 thrown
right on their lap.
He puts his smile on.
In case he gets hemmed up, you know what I mean?
No, but the thing, and you know, really, too, my dad, but also, you know, again,
one of
the good things about this business is sometimes you get to meet your own
heroes, especially
doing it in New York, and Colin Quinn has always been, especially where I'm
from, like,
huge hero of mine.
And now we're like close friends, work together, whatever.
And the way Colin Quinn tips is like, it makes me feel like a fucking dirtbag.
Really?
This guy will give somebody 200 cash for bringing him a pizza, no problem.
He doesn't give a fuck.
Sorry, I spit.
He doesn't fucking give a fuck.
I fucking love that.
Yeah.
What about a wedding?
You go to a wedding, friend, close friend, family, what's usually in the
envelope?
You're taking a date.
I'm taking a date, of course.
You got to play, I got to pay for my table.
Two plates.
Two plates.
What are you dropping?
I'm going to drop for close friend, we're saying?
You go, you went to Janus, oh, Janus might be too personal.
Yeah, like, you know, maybe somebody you grew up with.
Put it that way.
Yeah.
I would say Janus, Janus gets a G, close friend gets 500.
Cash.
Holy shit.
That's how we roll.
Cash.
I mean, it's fucking, we're celebrating love here, baby.
A fucking G.
A G.
He gets a G, cash, easy, and fucking, and a friend gets 500.
Now, what if you weren't Chrissy D?
What if you were Dr. Chris?
Dr. Chris?
Still have cash, probably.
I would still find a way to have cash.
Listen, if I have the means to do it, I would do it.
I would give as much as I could.
What's the least you would give?
That you would consider you're embarrassed, or you wouldn't go?
You were coming to my wedding, what are you dropping?
If I was coming to your wedding and I was down on my luck, I'd give you 300
cash with
a post that says, I'm really sorry, I'm embarrassed.
Yeah, I'd give you 300 cash.
And just, you know, I owed it to chicken, not to steak.
And I didn't have the dessert.
I only had two drinks.
300 cash with a little fucking chip, with a little recording from Sebastian Maniscalco
saying, aren't you embarrassed?
Wow, that's fucking class, man.
300 cash.
I come to your wedding, you're going to get 300 is the minimum, and I'm giving
the bartender
100 to fucking hook me up all night.
You start.
Start off with that.
That's almost the first thing you do.
Hit them heavy.
Is you put, and I'll remember you.
I say, look, here's what it is.
This is what it is.
All night is what I want.
Okay, four eyes.
Hoo-hoo right here.
All night.
Because it's like, really, because in the grand scheme of things, I look at it
as, I spent
400 for a fun night out.
If it was going to be make or break, I can't remember going around with that.
I can't do it.
But 400, money is money.
You can make 400 bucks.
I'm not, I'm like, 400 I don't think is going to make or break my life.
So it's like, we're out of marriage, celebrating love.
Why not just have a, if I went out on the town and fucking dinners, drinks, I
might spend
that anyway.
So, you know, why not give it to these fucking people probably just, you know,
this poor girl's
father just spent 100K on this fucking wedding.
She's going to divorce this guy in three years anyway.
You know?
Talk about celebrating love.
Yeah.
It's never going to work.
Here's 100.
Here's a hundo.
Keep it moving.
Classy, man.
Classy.
So, so far, am I moving, am I going towards garbage or class?
I'm on the fence.
I don't know.
I'm not on the fence at all.
I can't get a read on you.
Yeah.
That's what it is.
Well, that's why.
You're saying, what are you leaning?
Chrissy chaos.
Fucking class all the way.
Wow.
I haven't heard one fucking thing.
Wow.
He's a fucking doctor.
All right.
How about this?
If I went to your house right now, the batting practice jersey was a little
fucking.
That was a hypothetical.
You backed him into a fucking order.
I know, but he shouted out the exact jersey he would wear.
Yeah, exact jersey.
Or I'd either wear that or I would wear a fucking, even though he's not on the
team.
Actually, you know what?
I'd either wear that.
This might push it a little to the garbage.
I knew this was going to get you.
I knew this was going to get you.
Because this is true because I also feel like sometimes I look tight and jacked
in this one too.
I wear a Cal Clutterbuck Islanders jersey.
I'm an Islanders fan.
So that pushes you towards garbage if you're an Islanders guy.
I think Feidelberg from Barstool said he would do that because they're called
sweaters.
He goes, it's technically a sweater.
You're wearing a sweater to a formal event.
I put on a Clutterbuck Islanders jersey.
But if I'm just being honest.
But what was the other question about my house?
Thank you.

Chris Distefano: Jersey to a FUNERAL - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip

Are you garbage?
Anyone in your family collect the state quarters?
The state quarters? What do you mean?
Remember that? Like they came out probably in the 2000s.
It was like, you know, Alabama and then Hawaii.
No, nobody collects the state quarters, but I do know every state capital.
Really?
That's one of, for punishment, if I would get in trouble,
what my mother would do is lock me in my bedroom
and she had the key from the outside and I have to recite the state capitals
and read the encyclopedia for fucking two hours.
And it literally, if I was an hour and 55 minutes in and I stopped,
like thinking like there's no way she's still listening,
two seconds would go by and you would hear, continue.
She would just sit out there doing God knows what,
maybe crocheting or eating her own dinner, just being like,
that was her form of punishment because she's an academic.
So I know these random facts because of her.
She'd lock you in your room.
Lock me in my room and make me fucking recite the state capitals.
Fucking my mom.
Yeah.
Yeah, Sybil.
Any tap-out gear?
Any tap-out gear?
No, but I do have Ed Hardy shirts.
You do?
Still?
What do you mean?
Still to this day.
Really?
I have a couple of Ed Hardy shirts with little roses,
but no tap-out gear.
I actually don't know anything really about the UFC or fighting.
Okay.
Have you ever worn an airbrushed t-shirt?
An airbrushed t-shirt?
What's that, like a tie-dye shirt?
No, airbrushed would be like,
you see, like they get like the RIP shirt.
It's like, how do you describe airbrush?
Down at a boardwalk.
Yeah, you would get it.
Down at a boardwalk.
Yeah, but like kind of like-
You would say like Chrissy D or whatever.
Yeah, but-
You can get a custom, yeah.
That's right.
Yes, but that's like with family stuff.
Like, oh, we got all by matching shirts.
I've done that stuff.
Really?
I've done that stuff.
And I also am the guy, like I will religiously still to this day,
if I'm performing in, let's say, Philly,
every time, even though I've done it so many times,
I will get on a double-decker bus tour and go on the tour.
I do that every time.
Really?
In whatever city I'm in,
I look for some type of either double-decker bus tour
or if it's like a shit town,
some type of walking tour of the city.
I always do that.
I always, usually in the airport,
will buy some kind of magnet or shot glass
from wherever I'm at.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
That's insane.
That's fucking awesome.
Yeah, while I'm on the road, like actively,
I'll do it.
You know, I'm going to be in Phoenix in fucking two weeks.
I'll get on the tour.
I have a kind of a travel one.
Have you ever gotten the free breakfast at a hotel
you weren't a guest at?
I wasn't a guest at multiple times,
especially in the beginning when I first started headlining.
Absolutely, dude.
Yeah, of course.
I mean, I'm fucking making $800.
Roll through the Continental.
Do that, which I didn't even know that the Continental,
I thought that a Continental breakfast meant that it was free,
but it doesn't mean that at all.
So there's been times where I went to a hotel,
had the Continental breakfast, ate it all,
went back up to my room, then got charged.
I'm like, why are you charging me for free shit?
They're like, it's not free just because it means Continental.
Did you know that?
No, I thought Continental meant it was free.
Well, Continental means that it's from all different parts of the world,
like the food is just like Continental.
Yeah, I think it describes the food, not the price.
No.
It has to say free Continental.
Free Continental breakfast.
I didn't know that.
I thought Continental.
Well, you've never gone and got like a Continental car wash,
you know what I mean?
Like it's not like a word you can just substitute for free.
No, I think Continental means like there's no actual main dish.
It's like bagels and shit like that.
Yeah, it describes the food.
But it doesn't mean that it's free.
Complementary Continental breakfast.
It's not like there was goulash down there.
What?
You never know.
Like different continents.
I don't know, but it ain't free.
I know that much.
Apparently.
How do you feel about fettuccine Alfredo?
Fettuccine Alfredo?
How do I feel about it?
I ate it last night.
Swear to God.
My go-to dish is fettuccine Alfredo with grilled chicken or grilled shrimp
if I'm trying to be healthy and a side of garlic nuts.
Wait, you ordered it out?
Oh, yeah.
I ordered it out either Dono's Pizzeria or Nino's Pizzeria in Bay Ridge.
Sometimes Gino's Pizzeria.
They have great fettuccine Alfredo and great potato croquettes.
Dude, it's one of the things about New York.
I tell everybody this, but nobody ever believes me.
Most local pizza places, their actual food, their Italian food is usually
fucking top shelf.
Unbelievable.
Unbelievable.
Giannis said this too about me.
He said, you're the kind of guy, your favorite cuisine is like off the menu
pizza stuff
or other side of the menu pizzeria stuff.
So a lot of people go into a pizzeria, they order the pizza or whatever.
It's like, I'm looking at the menu for what kind of rolls they have, what kind
of pasta dishes.
100%.
I'm looking at the entrees in the pizzeria all day.
The place next to my apartment has fucking, their shrimp francese is fucking
unbelievable.
Amazing, dude.
Top shelf.
All right.
I got one.
I got one that we've done before.
We did with shoulder.
And you, I've seen you in professional sports jerseys.
You rock jerseys.
That's what I do.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So let the, it's a hypothetical, right?
If you were going to a wedding tomorrow and didn't have a suit, the only thing
you could
wear was a professional sports jersey, hockey, baseball, football, you know,
whatever.
What would you choose and why?
I would choose, I would most likely wear my favorite baseball player, Bernie
Williams, center
field, the New York Yankees, Bernie Williams batting practice jersey because I
wear the batting
practice jerseys because they make me look jacked, even though I'm not jacked.
I am, when I take my shirt off, it's a surprise.
People are like, oh, I didn't, I didn't think it was going to be that doughy.
Casting director said this to me once and it was like literally like life
changing.
I was like, that's the most painful and also funny thing I've heard.
And it's like, does describe me.
He's like, you know what your problem is, Chris?
You have leading man face, best friend body.
He was like, so you're really not castable?
What a fucking dick.
But he was right.
He's like, so either you got it.
So it's motivates you to me to try to create my own shit.
He's like, cause you're really not castable.
It's like either fucking be the lead and get ripped or fucking let it all hang
out.
Lean into it.
Fat shit, best friend.
So that's what I do.
I wear a Bernie Williams, New York Yankees batting practice jersey.
Would you tuck it in or would you go untucked?
No, I go untucked and I throw on some Lulus.
I go, I go, I tell you exactly what I do.
I go Bernie Williams batting practice jersey, Lululemon pants, some type of
funky red or orange
socks to give it a little flair and fucking fry boots because it's a wedding.
You got to class it up a little bit.
Big tip guy?
Big tip guy.
I'm the guy I tip fucking everybody.
Cash, full cash.
I'm the guy, even if I get driven somewhere or whatever, if I don't have cash
on me, I
make them stop at an ATM and I give these guys cold, hard cash.
Because we talked about that on Yana said you were breaking his balls because
he said he
didn't tip it.
He didn't tip in what?
So embarrassing.
He's like, Chris, he yelled at me.
It's like, what are we doing?
Like, you know, they're sending you a black car.
I mean, he's like, no, but the tip's included.
I'm like, guy, you got to give this guy cash tips.
What are you fucking queen?
You get that from your dad?
Your dad a big tip guy, I imagine?
Oh, big time.
I mean, my dad will give you-
Italians love cash.
Dude, my dad was the guy, he would pull, he would, for no reason, my dad would
religiously
wear pants and jackets and things that had pockets, but put his wallet in his
sock.
I'm like, what's the reason to do that?
Why is shit always coming?
So every drive, anywhere you went, somebody would get a soggy fucking ankle
sweat 20 thrown
right on their lap.
He puts his smile on.
In case he gets hemmed up, you know what I mean?
No, but the thing, and you know, really, too, my dad, but also, you know, again,
one of
the good things about this business is sometimes you get to meet your own
heroes, especially
doing it in New York, and Colin Quinn has always been, especially where I'm
from, like,
huge hero of mine.
And now we're like close friends, work together, whatever.
And the way Colin Quinn tips is like, it makes me feel like a fucking dirtbag.
Really?
This guy will give somebody 200 cash for bringing him a pizza, no problem.
He doesn't give a fuck.
Sorry, I spit.
He doesn't fucking give a fuck.
I fucking love that.
Yeah.
What about a wedding?
You go to a wedding, friend, close friend, family, what's usually in the
envelope?
You're taking a date.
I'm taking a date, of course.
You got to play, I got to pay for my table.
Two plates.
Two plates.
What are you dropping?
I'm going to drop for close friend, we're saying?
You go, you went to Janus, oh, Janus might be too personal.
Yeah, like, you know, maybe somebody you grew up with.
Put it that way.
Yeah.
I would say Janus, Janus gets a G, close friend gets 500.
Cash.
Holy shit.
That's how we roll.
Cash.
I mean, it's fucking, we're celebrating love here, baby.
A fucking G.
A G.
He gets a G, cash, easy, and fucking, and a friend gets 500.
Now, what if you weren't Chrissy D?
What if you were Dr. Chris?
Dr. Chris?
Still have cash, probably.
I would still find a way to have cash.
Listen, if I have the means to do it, I would do it.
I would give as much as I could.
What's the least you would give?
That you would consider you're embarrassed, or you wouldn't go?
You were coming to my wedding, what are you dropping?
If I was coming to your wedding and I was down on my luck, I'd give you 300
cash with
a post that says, I'm really sorry, I'm embarrassed.
Yeah, I'd give you 300 cash.
And just, you know, I owed it to chicken, not to steak.
And I didn't have the dessert.
I only had two drinks.
300 cash with a little fucking chip, with a little recording from Sebastian Maniscalco
saying, aren't you embarrassed?
Wow, that's fucking class, man.
300 cash.
I come to your wedding, you're going to get 300 is the minimum, and I'm giving
the bartender
100 to fucking hook me up all night.
You start.
Start off with that.
That's almost the first thing you do.
Hit them heavy.
Is you put, and I'll remember you.
I say, look, here's what it is.
This is what it is.
All night is what I want.
Okay, four eyes.
Hoo-hoo right here.
All night.
Because it's like, really, because in the grand scheme of things, I look at it
as, I spent
400 for a fun night out.
If it was going to be make or break, I can't remember going around with that.
I can't do it.
But 400, money is money.
You can make 400 bucks.
I'm not, I'm like, 400 I don't think is going to make or break my life.
So it's like, we're out of marriage, celebrating love.
Why not just have a, if I went out on the town and fucking dinners, drinks, I
might spend
that anyway.
So, you know, why not give it to these fucking people probably just, you know,
this poor girl's
father just spent 100K on this fucking wedding.
She's going to divorce this guy in three years anyway.
You know?
Talk about celebrating love.
Yeah.
It's never going to work.
Here's 100.
Here's a hundo.
Keep it moving.
Classy, man.
Classy.
So, so far, am I moving, am I going towards garbage or class?
I'm on the fence.
I don't know.
I'm not on the fence at all.
I can't get a read on you.
Yeah.
That's what it is.
Well, that's why.
You're saying, what are you leaning?
Chrissy chaos.
Fucking class all the way.
Wow.
I haven't heard one fucking thing.
Wow.
He's a fucking doctor.
All right.
How about this?
If I