Name: Stuff Island DESTROY Bar Bathrooms - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip
Uploaded: 2022-03-15T23:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stuff Island DESTROY Bar Bathrooms - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Stuff Island DESTROY Bar Bathrooms - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-15. Transcript available.

Are you garbage?
What do you two do on a normal night?
Well, when I was there, I can...
O'Connor pooped at the bar.
Oh my God.
I threw up.
Tommy went into the bathroom.
It smelled so bad that he then threw up in the bar.
The next one.
The next bathroom.
There's two bathrooms next to each other.
He came out.
This was just after we had a podcast going,
you don't shit in public.
You don't...
There's never a reason outside of eating raw chicken.
You should never be dumping in public.
You should never smell shit and puke.
Yes, that's my point.
We got to get you to a dock.
No.
Something's not right down there.
Dude, it was like the reptile section of the zoo.
It was simple.
He did it on newspapers.
It's like hitting the face with a shit shovel.
Nah, he's too sensitive.
I can't.
I just started dry heaving.
I threw up in the next...
Wait, what do you mean you don't poop in public?
You don't poop in public?
Never.
That's insane.
It is insane.
You figure out your own schedule and you work around that.
And if you have something set when you normally go
in your bowel movements,
you move your schedule around that.
If you got to go to the zoo.
What if you go to like a music festival?
Bro up.
You don't, okay?
You had a job longer.
You're not 18.
Yeah, what a weird thing to say, man.
Well, porta-potties.
Oh, porta-potties is like a football game?
You're shitting at a football game?
I'll shit.
If I have to shit, I'm shitting.
I told you this.
I mean, he was shit at a bar and there was four people in the bar.
Yeah, yeah.
He was 25% of the patrons.
He got up and left for like 45 minutes.
And I'm like, where the fuck is O'Connor?
We had done like four shots.
I'm like, where the fuck is O'Connor?
Well, it's either that or I have to leave.
I'm not opposed to it.
I understand.
When you're hemmed up, you got to take care of it.
For sure.
I didn't realize Tommy would go in there and intentionally smell it.
Intentionally?
Yeah.
There's only two bathrooms.
I knew exactly what happened in there.
You went in there to smell it.
He does that all the time.
He smells something.
I respect it.
Dude, the first time I was able to go away and stay, go on vacation with my
friend's family.
All right.
Real nice place down the shore they had.
Fucking grandparents.
Imagine taking you on vacation.
Brother and sister.
Yeah.
I'm like 12 years old.
Oh, I'm like 12 years old.
I'm real insecure, real low self-esteem.
Can I have some more mac and cheese, please, Mrs. Robinson?
Not until your shirt dries off.
You know he's pool hopping with a shirt on.
No, never.
You can't wear your wet clothes on the couch, Henry.
Never.
We're not going to get the security deposit back.
That's a fucking disgrace to fat kids.
You always take your shirt off.
You fat kids out there.
You fucking bite the bullet.
Yeah.
Show them who you are.
Never go in there with a t-shirt on.
I did it once or twice.
Loser.
And the second I got in, it makes that suction.
It's a condom.
I'm like, this is bad.
It's crazy.
It's crazy.
It makes your titties look even worse.
I know.
Or better.
Anyway, we get down there first night, all right?
And I had to fucking poop really bad.
And it was like a little shore house, so the fucking bathroom was right off the
living room.
I'm talking whole family.
The grandma, the grandma, the mom, the dad, the hot older sister.
Everybody's in there.
We're all watching fucking TV or whatever it was.
I go in there and dump.
I come out like 15 minutes later, try to blend back into the couch, you know
what I mean?
Like I was there.
Start laughing or something.
I try to hop in the story.
Ha, ha, ha.
Great little pop-up.
I was here the whole time.
Come out with a plate of hot hors d'oeuvres.
It was hungry.
Puff pastries, anyone?
Yeah, just slide a frozen e-o's on the plate.
But my boy, just to be a dick, fucking goes in the bathroom and then comes out
and he goes,
Oh my God, Henry!
In front of the whole fucking family.
And I haven't shit served.
Did they laugh?
Did they laugh?
No.
See, that's awkward.
Fuck those people.
Yeah, no, I agree with that.
Fuck those people.
People take shits.
No, they felt bad for me.
They were like, what the hell?
Yeah, yeah.
It's all about the courtesy.
You have to flush as soon as things happen.
I was 12, man.
That's it.
Let it out flush, then you wipe it, clean up.
Connie, I imagine you want everybody to know.
No, I'm not trying to push it on people.
I'm not trying to get people to smell it.
It's your mixed name.
But it's just like, it's a natural human thing.
Sure.
You're going to get mad because you smell some barts?
Fuck you.
It really bothers me.
It really bothers me.
It's just like, dude, shit happens.
We'll get over it.
I understand.
So is that a typical night?
Do you ever have someone get mad?
No, we get shit in a bar and then almost get in a fist fight.
We film on Tuesdays and then we usually go to the bar down the street for a
couple pops
with the guests and then fuck off home.
Yeah.
He usually edits two, three nights a week.
We got this cooking show coming up.
How many nights are you going out together?
Four or five?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're close.
Yeah.
This is all I got.
Yeah, we have a good time.
We have a great time.
Yeah.
It's fun.
Keep your bowel movement, Tim.
We were fucking, we really hit it off.
No more shit in the Denny's.
I'll tell you that.
Again.
Also, you were about, I forgot, we didn't, Matt, you were about to steal that
drink that
night.
You were about to steal the pint glass.
Do you remember that?
No.
Yeah, he was walking out, he had about a half a pint glass, and he goes, all
right,
I'll see you late.
Like, you were like, all right, I'll see you, and you had it.
And then she's like, all right, see you, Tommy, and I saw your conscience kick
in.
And you're like, okay, I'll see you.
Walked back.
Yeah, and then cleaned up the glasses because you felt bad.
I don't think I did that.
Are you a pint glass dealer?
I've stolen pint glasses in my past.
Yeah.
Habitually, though.
No, no.
I used to do it from the place Bards in Philly because they had these nice
little tulip
glasses.
They had some real interesting tulip glasses.
with brand names on them, so I put a couple, and I hated the fucking bartender.
I hated them.
Yeah.
And I hated the bar, so I was like, yeah, fuck you, you know?
Yeah, I agree.
I'm going to take a couple of these home.
Do you steal anything else?
No.
Do you steal?
I can picture you stealing.
You look like a convenience store stealer.
Or like a 401k or something.
I can't stand.
I don't steal.
Calling an old lady.
Scamming her.
Your son was arrested.
I got a couple scams.
I got a couple scams that I run.
Thank you.