Name: Bert Kreischer is the FLORIDA MAN - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip
Uploaded: 2022-03-29T21:53:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bert Kreischer is the FLORIDA MAN - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bert Kreischer is the FLORIDA MAN - Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast Clip' from Are You Garbage Clips on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-29. Transcript available.

Are you garbage?
Florida, baby.
Holy fuck, dude.
Tampa does have great...
It's just got...
Especially if you booze, it's got fun vibes.
Strip clubs.
I was there within 20 minutes.
I'm like, I could...
We talked about...
I talked about moving this whole operation down to Tampa.
I would...
Just for the fucking fun of it.
I would...
The problem with Tampa is alligators, number one.
Lots of alligators.
Lots of lightning.
Lots of rednecks.
And everything you just told us for the last 10 minutes.
Guns pulled on you a lot.
Really?
Like, a lot.
I mean...
Everybody's packing down there.
Everyone's got a gun.
Everyone has a firearm.
And everyone is willing to pull it out in a traffic stop and show you that they
have a gun.
I distinctly remember having a gun pulled on us.
I won't say everyone's name, but...
I want to so bad, but some of them are successful now.
And we were in...
It was two sets of cousins.
Three cousins and me.
There were three cousins.
And we used to do scavenger hunts on the day before this big mass.
On Friday, we had a big mass.
We'd all go to scavenger hunt and then strip clubs.
And so the scavenger hunt, we stole a birdbath or a lawn jockey out of someone's
yard.
And the guy came up.
Did you say a mass?
Yeah.
Big mass on...
Because all those...
Like a church?
Like a church?
Yeah.
So you do a scavenger hunt where you steal property from individuals, then go
to the
strip club, then go to church.
And then church Friday morning.
Everyone stay up and then you...
That's right.
I heard that correct.
Yeah.
Because you had to do confession, so you'd confess.
So you'd get it all out.
Oh, yeah.
I don't hate it.
Clean as a whistle, baby.
Yeah, yeah.
Ready for Monday morning.
It's like the purge.
Hey, I'm in.
And then after that mass, we'd go and streak the girls' school.
Jeez.
Isn't that crazy?
Yeah.
But I remember we streaked the girls' school and we didn't know the setup of
the girls'
school.
This is...
I mean, this is like hardcore cancel shit now.
We didn't know the setup, so we get totally naked.
We're in a van.
It's like fucking 20 of us.
Stuck in traffic.
And we're outside the girls' school and we're like, all right, go.
And we all take off inside of Academy Holy Names is the name of the school.
And we hit the first floor first, which is first grade and kindergarten.
Jesus.
And we are like, fuck, go, go up.
And so the girls our age were on the third floor.
So we had to go up three.
You were all out of breath when you get up there.
Winded.
Winded.
Naked.
Winded.
Winded.
I mean, it was like fucking...
You girls, see anything you like?
Hey, Tammy.
You going to the scavenger hunt next week?
But on that scavenger hunt, guy comes out.
He was in the CRX.
The CRX, there's the little one with the shoe seater.
I know it well.
CRX.
Blue CRX.
He comes out, pulls up next to us.
We were on...
God, fucking wish.
Bay to bay.
We're on bay to bay, and we're going to take a left to get onto Bayshore.
We go to take a left.
He pulls up next, and he pulls out a gun, and he's, this is *** car.
Or what?
I just edited his name out.
This is *** car, and this is our, his car.
And he's pulled up, and he puts the gun in the window.
And I'm sitting shotgun, and I just go, it's a gun, like, right here.
And I'm like, motherfucker!
Completely naked.
No, no, no.
We have clothes.
This is the scavenger hunt.
This is the scavenger hunt.
And so then, this guy, we fought this guy down Bayshore.
I mean, the last I saw this guy, he was holding on to the side of our car, and
we were, and
punching at us, and we pushed him off the car, and he rolled off on Bayshore,
and we kept,
and then that night, we quit the scavenger hunt.
We were terrified, and we parked in a parking lot, and just in trauma, just
waiting for someone
to pull a gun on us.
Jesus Christ.
Florida was, Florida was kind of fucking, yeah, the wild west of the south.
I remember one time, I remember one time driving, and my buddy came to his
house, and I had a
Fox, and this Mustang pulled up, we were on 275, and I was going fast, you know,
like maybe
80, and this Mustang flies up next to me, and gets in front of me going faster.
So I pull out to get, to pass him, I'm in a Fox, and he just punches it, and
gets in front
of me again.
They've been raining, and he hits a puddle, and he hydroplanes, spins on the
interstate,
going probably 90 miles an hour, spins, hits the side, goes off the fucking
interstate
into a tree, and because he was in front of me, he emptied the puddle, and I
went through
it, and I didn't hydroplane, and I went, mother fucker.
Damn.
And I do have anxiety, and I wonder, now that I'm telling you all these stories,
I wonder
if that's where it comes from, all the shit that happened to me.
Yeah, I mean, it's been 14 minutes, and I can see where your anxiety comes from.
You watch a guy die in a Publix fucking parking lot.
He lived, I'm sure.
There's no way that guy's alive today.
What about the guy in the Mustang?
I know two other dudes that got struck by lightning also.
What about the guy in the Mustang?
What about the guy in the Mustang?
What about the guy in the Mustang?